Daily joke thread......

[clkelley]

Subject: HYMN # 365
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> This is too funny - but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.
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> A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
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> 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
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> With even greater emphasis he said,
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> 'And if I had
> All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
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> And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said,
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> 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
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> Sermon complete, he sat down..
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> The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
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> 'For our closing song, let us sing
> Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
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> Smile - life is too short not too!
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> If this brightened your day
> Don't let it stop here
> Pass it on with a smile
> Keep spreading the Cheer.
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> See you at the river !!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of
goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't
ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

 

[CDNCruiser]

A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes me proud to be Canadian!!

 

[Lil' Lisa]

A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes me proud to be Canadian!!

 

[ntsammy5]

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

However the average Czech drinks 42 gallons a year! Americans average 22 gallons also - I'm doing my best to increase that!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

You know your getting old when you feel bad in the morning,,,
without having any fun the night before.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?” The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”


(sorry,,but it is funny)

 

[Born 2 Fish]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Licken to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Licken tried to warn the farmer. She read, " . . . and so Chicken Licken went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused, and then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure. After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.

Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the priate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp. It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.

Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination. The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"

 

[mnsprk]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

 

[mnsprk]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?

 

[Lil' Lisa]

 

[Judy in Texas]

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

The Senator's soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

St. Peter says, "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules", replies St.Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven," St Peter says.

So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and the 24 hours in heaven passes by and St Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now which will you choose for your eternity?" St Peter asks.

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I never would have thought it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be happier and better off .. in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...

 

[Just Beachy]

On Monday, President Obama got off the helicopter at The White House. He was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention,saluted and said, "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied, "These are not pigs, they're authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton & I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The Marine again snapped to attention,saluted and said,"Excellent trade,sir."

 

[2goofycampers]

Calories are the little buggers that get into

your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter

 

[mnsprk]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad.... After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[Tnbob]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

When I die,I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep --
not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

 

[ntsammy5]

When I die,I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep --
not screaming, like the passengers in his car.