Dad's 80th birthday wish... but I don't think I can make it happen... Update 10/5

[jerseygal]

LOL @LovesTimone! I had to stop & double check if I posted this message in my sleep or something!
Please know you are not alone, families are complicated.
I hope everything works out,

YES, families certainly are! Hope all works out for you also!

 

[mrsstats]

I hope you can work things out. My FIL had the same wish 1 Christmas. MY DH asked for his Dad to call everyone together to talk things out. MY DH's 3 sibling and mother refused. My FIL died before the next Christmas. MY DH and his mother and siblings do not speak any longer. It's aa sad situation so if you can fix it great, if not just move on.

 

[disykat]

Of course OP can plan and invite. It doesn't sound like that's really the issue. It may come down to having to tell Dad that they were invited and simply chose not to come. The invitation is the easy part.

 

[ronandannette]

Well I did not get along OR even like my brothers who went beyond being mean to me as kids as adults they sexually abused me for years. They we a few yrs older than me.

Out of RESPECT for my parents I and my DH an children did attend every Christmas and other family events. It was not the time to be petty it was a time for my parents to enjoy an maybe pretend we was 1 happy family.

Did I enjoy myself not always but I did make the best of it.

Grace and peace to you. FTR, this is an entirely different set of circumstances and one in which I would never, ever suggest the survivor "suck it up".

 

[lifesavacation]

I agree with the rest. Make it happen for your dad. While it may not be comfortable, you should be able to trust yourself to respond without drama to whatever happens in those few hours. Think of it as a challenge.

Having said that, I acknowledge that these situations are difficult. I couldn’t even talk about the weather with my sister without her making it seem like I was out to get her. Seriously, there wasn’t a single surface-level topic that wouldn’t get twisted around in her mind and set off an argument. But I learned that while she was horribly difficult to be around and it was all on me to make the effort, I could handle it.

Now that she’s been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, I see things differently and I can shrug off everything she says and does. But for years I tried to avoid being in the same room with her outside of holidays or special occasions. So I get where you’re coming from.

 

[Marchand63]

To be honest my brother and I despised each for years. Long story. But we began & have mended fences because he stepped up when my DM developed Altzheimers. He has mild FAS (adopted not my parents fault)so explains some behavior, now my DH & I are making sure he is ok.

Friends - no. Family - yes

 

[jt'smom]

I would just call him up, be forthright, and tell him that it's your dad's wish to have everyone together to celebrate his birthday. And follow that with, we can do this for Dad while he's still alive, or all be together for his funeral, which would suck for Dad since he wouldn't know. And then leave it up to your brother to decide if he'd rather be a schmuck or a mature adult. But don't be snotty or anything, just matter of fact. It's funny how that works sometimes. I hadn't spoken to my sister in 6 years when my mother was dx'd with stage 4 lung cancer, and we had the hot mess of me having POA for my mom and being her caregiver, and my sister being the executor of her will. In the last week of my mom's life, I finally called my sister and said this is stupid, don't let our mother die without being there for her because you don't want to have to talk to me! That flipped a switch, and years later, we are extremely close.

 

[Disney Doll]

Plan a party and invite him. If he comes, behave yourself no matter what. Don’t be drawn in.

If he doesn’t come, you tried.

Your other possibility is to call and say “Dad wants an 80th birthday party with everyone there. Give me some dates that work for you”. You’ll know your answer then.

 

[jerseygal]

Reading these threads, realize that we are "NOT ALONE" in family drama, deep rooted as it may be....
May God Bless everyone with peace in their lives!
Marchand63...Love your comment, Friends, No, Family Yes...….

 

[LovesTimone]

Okay, I know that this is just SO difficult and maybe painful.
But, I will offer some simple, sage, advice, that might help.

Remember, you can not be responsible for anyone else's behaviors, actions, attitudes.
Only your own.

I would not 'beg'.
I would not exclude anyone.
I would not make excuses....

I think you should make sure to have nice plans made, and set, well in advance.
Put the invitation and information out there...
And how everyone else happens to respond is really up to them!!!

Remember, if you 'beg', or 'ask for a truce', then to your brother the implication in his mind will be that he is being blamed for the need for a truce. People who are perpetually offended and 'falling on knives' will defiinitely do so, once again. To say, can we call a truce, or can you 'be nice for one day', will be heard as you are a jerk and can you not be a jerk. I can see that going over like a lead balloon.

Send the invitation out.. State clearly that "Dad would love to see everyone there. It would mean a lot to him..."

Do what YOU can do to make this event happen.
And just know that you have done everything possible, and you really have nothing to regret or feel guilty about.

OP here,

This is exactly is what would happen... and yes he would take it as he's a jerk and make it all about him. When all I want is to give my Dad a nice party, and grant his wish.

 

[LovesTimone]

Honestly, I think the only thing to do here if you really want to honour your DDad’s request is to be the bigger person. Arrange the party in a neutral location (like your parent’s house) and invite everyone your DDad wants invited. If they choose not to attend because you’re there, well, that’s on them. If they do attend just stay busy and engaged with the other guests and refuse to be drawn into conflict for the 3 or so hours you need to be together.

Be smart about it - don’t try to share the planning, work or expense with your brother and don’t engage with him about a lot of details beforehand. Make sure you have separate accommodations (if you don’t live local) so you don’t all have to spend the night together. And for Pete’s sake, don’t draw your parents into it or try to get them to take sides. You could be 100% in the right here but this isn’t about that. It’s one simple afternoon - you can do this.

My parents house isn't really set up for parties, and its smaller but just right for the two of them. So the party will be at my house, I have plenty of room. As well they would be more comfortable here, than at a restaurant. If my mom needed to lay down for a bit, knowing that she could do that would put both of my parents at ease. I would never ask my brother for help with any of the planning, or work that would go into this, and I would never ever ask him to help with the cost of party... Just bring up money will cause him to start up.

 

[LovesTimone]

OP here,

Thanks so much for all the kind words, and knowing that I'm not the only one that has to deal with "family", is well very reassuring...

I did want to say that what issues I do have, I would never bring up in front of my parents. I can get through several hours around them, I did it for years, but now I will not put up with or tolerate their petty, whinny, knit picking, pity party, or argumentative behavior. While I love my brother and my nieces and great niece, and wish them nothing but happiness, and good health. For a long time I tried to make things work out... now I'm just over all of it.

 

[ronandannette]

...I wish I could make it happen and I feel guilty that I won't be able to make it happen... I just don't know how to tell him its not going to happen. I am planning on my family and parents getting together for a little party, but including my brother and his family is not in the cards.

OP here,

Thanks so much for all the kind words, and knowing that I'm not the only one that has to deal with "family", is well very reassuring...

I did want to say that what issues I do have, I would never bring up in front of my parents. I can get through several hours around them, I did it for years, but now I will not put up with or tolerate their petty, whinny, knit picking, pity party, or argumentative behavior. While I love my brother and my nieces and great niece, and wish them nothing but happiness, and good health. For a long time I tried to make things work out... now I'm just over all of it.

Based on your most recent post it would seem you have your mind made up and a plan in place and I hope you all enjoy his celebration.

It would seem to me you should tell your DDad beforehand that your brother’s family won’t be included, just to avoid awkward questions on the day. Just factually tell him - hard as it may be. You wouldn’t want your efforts tarnished by him staring out the window looking for them the whole time. And in fairness, if they weren’t invited, mention it so he doesn’t feel like they’ve just chosen to disregard his birthday.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks OP! I can pretty good at reading these things, sometimes.

Is the current plan to move forward without letting your brother know about the birthday event?

I can TOTALLY understand if you truly feel that this is the only way.
However, unless there is just NO other way, I wouldn't want to be the one to have to deal with being the one to make that decision.
Or any future regrets.
I am not sure it is really your decision to make....

I would plan a wonderful event...
Put all of the invitations and info out there.
Let everyone else be responsible for their own decisions, and any regrets.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Arrange the party in a neutral location (like your parent’s house)

Even more neutral, like a hall or restaurant. Or a park if its nice in March where the OP is.

 

[luvsJack]

OP here,

Thanks so much for all the kind words, and knowing that I'm not the only one that has to deal with "family", is well very reassuring...

I did want to say that what issues I do have, I would never bring up in front of my parents. I can get through several hours around them, I did it for years, but now I will not put up with or tolerate their petty, whinny, knit picking, pity party, or argumentative behavior. While I love my brother and my nieces and great niece, and wish them nothing but happiness, and good health. For a long time I tried to make things work out... now I'm just over all of it.

I am so sorry that you and your brother have grown so far apart. I know it must be hard.

I do have to say though, if you don't include them because of your feelings, aren't you doing what you are accusing him of and making it all about you?

Perhaps I am misunderstanding your intentions.

 

[FayeW]

I threw a 90th birthday party for my father. I live 1200 KM away, all of my siblings live in the same province. I did all of the planning, and most of the paying, lol. One brother declared he "was having nothing to do with it", and then after I told him what the plans were for the hall, catering, etc he decided to offer up his house by saying "we won't see you stuck". I politely declined and told him the plans were already made. When he told me he wanted nothing to do with it, I believed him. He did eventually offer to pay the modest cost of putting a notice in the local newspaper. He is an amateur musician who plays occasionally with some others at these types of events. He originally declined my request to play a song or two for Dad and then decided he could get a few people to play a few tunes (they ended up playing all afternoon, and even a local politician showed up, grabbed a guitar, and sang a couple of songs!)

I have no relationship with one sister as a result of some shady things she did to my parents. She had to be shamed into visiting our mother in the hospital before her death. Even so, I made sure she was included in the party as it was my father's wish to have the five of us together. We were cordial to each other, as we had been at our mother's funeral. I have a tenuous relationship with another sister, for pretty much the same reason. She insisted on making the desserts for the event, even though she is in very poor health and is in extreme financial distress. I agreed to her request because he is her father also and and if that was how she wanted to be involved, fine, but I also had a Plan B for the desserts in case she couldn't come through.

The party was a great success with dozens of friends, neighbours, and relatives turning out for the afternoon "open house" style event. My point in all of this is that regardless of your current relationship most people can suck it up and be cordial for a couple of hours. My advice to the OP is not to invite her brother to the party, but include him in the party by asking if and how he would like to be involved in the planning. I would make a phone call or send an email along the lines of "Dad was talking about his 80th birthday, and said that what he would really like is a small party with all of his family. I think that their house is to small for that kind of gathering, but I am happy to host at my house, unless you think that a different type of venue might be more appropriate (i.e afternoon "drop in" at community center, lunch at a restaurant, etc). Give it some thought and let me know if you have other suggestions."

His response to that email will tell if he will be on board with any planning, and more importantly he will feel included in his father's celebration and not just an invited guest.

 

[gotomu212]

My last plug on this-and I get that everyone’s dynamics are different and there’s always way more history. I understand not wanting to be around pity parties and whiny argumentative brother and that you can never win, I understand not wanting to have a relationship with them, I understand making my peace that we will never have a relationship....but short of something like abuse, drugs, criminal behavior I cannot imagine deliberately excluding a sibling when a parent has specifically asked for them to be invited to a party in their honor.

Given that you are throwing a party for your dad and you typically ask the guest of honor who they would like to invite, it really seems extreme to say “no sorry you can’t invite your other son” unless it really is a safety thing. At that point it seems that you’re the one digging in your heels and refuses to suck it up for 3 hours to make your elderly father happy....

again I get it’s not how you would want to spend a few hours but the party is for your dad not you. Sending an invite at dad’s request doesn’t mean that you need to have any other relationship before or after the party with your brother. If you chose not to, I think you need to be point blank honest with your dad and accept that he’ll be disappointed and sad.

 

[jrmasm]

Is this a party with lots of people (friends, family, neighbors, former coworkers etc) or a small gathering of just family? I think that makes a difference. It's a lot easier to avoid someone when there are a 100 people vs 12.

 

[dreamin_disney]

Plan something now. In the invite put this is Dad's wish for everyone to get together for his special day. And hopefully everyone can make the party to make Dad's wish come true. Whoever wants to make his wish come true will show up and those that don't is on them. The main things is that you tried your to make his wish come true. And if people with issues show up and start something just a kind reminder that you are all there for your dad. Start planning now and get the info our ASAP so people can make arraignments. Good luck