Cussing/swearing

[Mickeyherewecome123]

Does anyone else have a problem with their 5 year olds swearing? My boys are starting to swear and I want to nip it in the butt right away.

One of my sons said to me on the way to school today, mom you know that Kevin's (not his real name) mom lets him swear. I about fell out of the drivers seat of my van. I of course told him we don't speak like that in our family and swearing is not a nice thing to do.

What should I do. I have been putting them in timeout when they swear, but its not working. Any suggestions.

THanks
Fran

 

[jeepgirl30]

My DD8 never swore and seemed to always know the "bad" words were bad. DS6 was a different story! He tried to slip them in all the time and still occassionally will try.

Now this was mostly when he was around 3, not so much now. Except the other day we were doing flash cards and SHE was his word, he sounded out the SH and then said IT! He was clearly shocked and covered his lil mouth right away so I just gave him "the look" but did not scold him this time.

I tried ignoring it at first, then explained we don't talk that way and even did time outs but it just got worse. He actually told daycare teachers he was allowed to swear.

So I got out the bar of soap. I touched it on his tongue, I did not keep it in his mouth or make him eat it or anything harmful at all. It was a new bar and literally touched it to him but it did the trick. No swearing except for the flash card incident.

 

[scouthawkk]

DS6 gets a small allowance. Any time he says a bad word, he has to put $1 of his money into a swear cup. Same thing goes for DH and I (if we do it when he is around...whether he can hear it or not). What really nipped it in the bud for DS was when he was also earning money for our Disney trip this past August. For some reason he was ok with parting with regular money, but the Disney $ was a different story! Especially since he knew that anything he wanted at Disney, he'd have to buy out of his saved up money. It has been a long time since he has had to add money to the cup.

Plus, if we are watching TV or a movie, and a word pops up that we don't want him saying, we will say "no repeats." He has gotten so used to us saying that, now whenever he hears a word he isn't suppose to say he'll simply say, "I know, I know...no repeates!"

 

[ms_missy66]

My daughters don't swear, but they definitely say words that we don't allow. Mostly it's potty talk. So what I tell them is that those words aren't appropriate for our family and if they want to say them, they need to go in their room and talk to themselves. If I hear it, I will take away XYZ for 1 day. And XYZ needs to be something that hurts...something beloved.

It ended up being a phase for my daugthers. When they didn't get a reaction (because they were in their rooms saying the bad words) they stopped.

Hope that helps! But for what it's worth, I also know someone who lets her children swear. No word is off limits. I find it horrible, but the bottomline is that different people have different rules. And oddly enough, those kids know better than to say anything off-color in my house. So I guess that goes both ways! LOL

 

[Alesia]

You definately need to stop giving them a reaction. When they say that so-and-so's mommy lets him swear, calmly say, "That's fine, but I'm your mom and I don't want to hear you say words like that." Then drop it.

Tell him that if he wants to talk like that, he will have to go to his room and say those words to himself. Forbidding him from saying bad words just gives those words more power.

 

[Stephres]

I would explain to them why you don't allow swearing, that it is not a respectful way of communicating. Then state what the consequence will be when they choose to break the rule. When my son was getting that pre-teen sarcastic mouth I told him it was disrespectful and if he chose to speak to us that way he would lose all electronics (DS, TV, etc.) for the day. You have to find whatever they hold valuable or you can punish all day long and they won't care. For my daughter, it is the little family restaurant that we go to once a week. She knows that if she brings home a red dot (for mishavior at school) she will not be going. Follow through is so important too.

Good luck!

 

[nessz79]

We haven't had that problem yet, but we have had issues with words that were mean or spiteful. We try not to react too dramatically, as another PP mentioned. We would calmly tell them that that is not a nice word to use and we didn't want them to say it. If it became a repeated problem, we would enact consequences such as time out, etc. However, we really don't have much problems with this particular thing. They seem to respect this rule.

Now, acting crazy and hyper when they aren't supposed to be? That's another story?

I think the most important thing is not to react too strongly but also be firm.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

I have a DD3 & DS5. The problem is not so much swearing (except my DD saying cr*p after me) but the back talk. It was not a bg problem and nipped in the bud when he was in nursery school, but now that he is in 1st grade, UGH!!! Will it ever stop??? nothing seems to deter him.

 

[Mickeyherewecome123]

Thanks everyone.
I have been trying to ignore the mean words and the cuss words today and its working. I am also going to try to implement the money jar idea. My boys are saving for our Disney trip in April. So that just might work.

Thanks for all the reassuring words. I am going to try to continue to keep calm about the situation.

 

[*Seanaci*]

Every time they swear, make 'em do a chore they don't like to do. Or even make 'em pay a quarter or other amount (decided by you and your hubby) to a "swear word jar".

Also, I agree with a poster above that you need to figure out what it is that they hold dear to (be it a toy or video games) and take it away as punishment.

 

[kremenos]

I have a DD3 & DS5. The problem is not so much swearing (except my DD saying cr*p after me) but the back talk. It was not a bg problem and nipped in the bud when he was in nursery school, but now that he is in 1st grade, UGH!!! Will it ever stop??? nothing seems to deter him.

interesting

 

[bclydia]

Thanks everyone.
I have been trying to ignore the mean words and the cuss words today and its working. I am also going to try to implement the money jar idea. My boys are saving for our Disney trip in April. So that just might work.

Thanks for all the reassuring words. I am going to try to continue to keep calm about the situation.

I have heard the suggestion that you can use Listerine to wash out "dirty" mouths. I thought this was a brilliant idea and am holding it in reserve.
I know that as an adult, it tastes pretty awful, I bet kids would HATE it!!

 

[sdoll]

My kids are still a little to young. But I know it will be a no go. Which is quite funny because my mouth can resemble a truck drivers when my kids are not around. But I am very careful around my kids. As was my mom. In fact I am so crazy I don't let my kids say poop or pee. My husband thinks I am nuts but its worked so far we go potty or stinky. Even I admit thats a bit odd but that was the rule when I was a kid and it has carried on. Oh and they have bottoms too... no butts in this house

 

[ScrapperBelle]

I have always taught my son that "dirty" words are just words like every other word. I explained to him they are what people use because they lack the vocabulary to express themselves with any sort of dignity. We did go through a phase where he wanted to "cuss" (he was about 6-7). I told him he could go in his room and say anything he wanted for 5 minutes a day, other than that, I didn't want to hear it. These were also "minor" 4 letter words...no "f" word or anything like that.

My biggest issue is with being a hypocrite. It is not right for parents to use bad language, or allow kids to watch movies, listen to music, whatever that contains "cussing" and then never expect them to say any of it.

My son is now 15 and when a swear word slips out, I remind him that he is being lazy and I know that he can find a better word to express himself. This seems to work...but he is 15 and not 5 or 6. I think they do it alot at that age because it sounds funny to them.

 

[justtobeme2]

I don't get this "explain this, explain that" mindset. I am 46 years old and to this day I wouldn't swear around my parents OR another person, esp one that I don't know or heaven forbid in public or a heated debate. I was raised that if you swear then life as you know it comes to an end and that's how all the kids are raised. Plain and simple and so we didn't/don't. It's respect, or lack of and when I hear kids swear in public and the parents ignore them I think they are trash. It would only take one time (my sister tried saying a minor cuss word ONCE, she's 56 and I still remember it..haha) Of course no one in my family has ever been arrested, stolen, been cited for DUI, had a drug/alcohol problem (yes we have a drink now and then), failed a class much less a grade but then we were raised "that way". Respect is a REQUIREMENT not a request. Yes ma'am and yes sir are still ingrained in my vocabularly....you'd be surprised how far that can get a a kid. I wish parents would stop begging their kids to behave and REQUIRE them to behave. I don't believe in spanking but I believe in "Say what you mean and mean what you say".

Little story about my brother and his step son (whom he adopted at the age of 5). His mother was fairly lax parent. Chad brought home progress report that said he wasn't behaving in class. His dad, my brother, gave him one semester chance. He said you have 6 weeks and next time if I get the same report you see that BRAND new basketball goal you got for Christmas? He said "yes sir"...well I am giving it away if we get another report like this...well you know what happened don't you...next report was bad, my brother called the boys parents down the street and explained the situation and asked them if it was OK if they gave them his basketball goal...they said yes...my brother said it was the best 100.00 he ever gave away because Chad got to look down the street and see his basketball goal being played with by another boy and he never brought home another conduct report like that again. Now he is a grown man of 26 with 3 boys of his own, closer to his adopted dad, and us than most blood realitives and they have the most well behaved, fun, playful boys. You can take them anywhere. They aren't robots and kids will be kids but you ask them to stop doing something and they do....hmmm I wonder where their dad got his parenting skills from? Actually he thanked his dad several years ago because he could've gone down the wrong path. His mom and my brother are divorced but we love him and his family just as much as blood family.....

 

[Mickeyherewecome123]

I don't get this "explain this, explain that" mindset. I am 46 years old and to this day I wouldn't swear around my parents OR another person, esp one that I don't know or heaven forbid in public or a heated debate. I was raised that if you swear then life as you know it comes to an end and that's how all the kids are raised. Plain and simple and so we didn't/don't. It's respect, or lack of and when I hear kids swear in public and the parents ignore them I think they are trash. It would only take one time (my sister tried saying a minor cuss word ONCE, she's 56 and I still remember it..haha) Of course no one in my family has ever been arrested, stolen, been cited for DUI, had a drug/alcohol problem (yes we have a drink now and then), failed a class much less a grade but then we were raised "that way". Respect is a REQUIREMENT not a request. Yes ma'am and yes sir are still ingrained in my vocabularly....you'd be surprised how far that can get a a kid. I wish parents would stop begging their kids to behave and REQUIRE them to behave. I don't believe in spanking but I believe in "Say what you mean and mean what you say".

Little story about my brother and his step son (whom he adopted at the age of 5). His mother was fairly lax parent. Chad brought home progress report that said he wasn't behaving in class. His dad, my brother, gave him one semester chance. He said you have 6 weeks and next time if I get the same report you see that BRAND new basketball goal you got for Christmas? He said "yes sir"...well I am giving it away if we get another report like this...well you know what happened don't you...next report was bad, my brother called the boys parents down the street and explained the situation and asked them if it was OK if they gave them his basketball goal...they said yes...my brother said it was the best 100.00 he ever gave away because Chad got to look down the street and see his basketball goal being played with by another boy and he never brought home another conduct report like that again. Now he is a grown man of 26 with 3 boys of his own, closer to his adopted dad, and us than most blood realitives and they have the most well behaved, fun, playful boys. You can take them anywhere. They aren't robots and kids will be kids but you ask them to stop doing something and they do....hmmm I wonder where their dad got his parenting skills from? Actually he thanked his dad several years ago because he could've gone down the wrong path. His mom and my brother are divorced but we love him and his family just as much as blood family.....

Thank you for your insight. I do agree the cussing is lack of respect. I just don't think my boys realized it was bad (seriously). They thouhght it was just any other word, until I repremanded them for it. Now that they know H+E+double L is a bad word, they are still saying it.
Now that is what is frusterating me. What am I doing wrong????

 

[Tiger926]

Thank you for your insight. I do agree the cussing is lack of respect. I just don't think my boys realized it was bad (seriously). They thouhght it was just any other word, until I repremanded them for it. Now that they know H+E+double L is a bad word, they are still saying it.
Now that is what is frusterating me. What am I doing wrong????

Thank you for your insight. I do agree the cussing is lack of respect. I just don't think my boys realized it was bad (seriously). They thouhght it was just any other word, until I repremanded them for it. Now that they know H+E+double L is a bad word, they are still saying it.
Now that is what is frusterating me. What am I doing wrong????

Since they know it's a 'bad' word, they are going to keep saying it, KWIM? Bad is a problematic word for so many reasons as it's totally misused, but for kids, they know that something that is classified as 'bad' is either dangerous or something that is going to tick their parents off. Swearing is something that is a fine line - you can't really make a big deal of it because they will keep doing it again. You also need to role model properly - if you don't want your kids swearing, you can't swear, you can't watch TV shows in which people swear, etc. as they will then learn it's ok. Not saying this pertains to you, but many parents make this mistake.

If they are hearing the words at school, or from their friend, Kevin, then you are going to have a hard time with it. Time outs are useless - most studies (I am a spec ed teacher, by the way) show that time outs don't really work at all, especially for stuff like swearing. Swearing is impulsive and attention seeking, and so time outs just aren't effective in this regard.

You need to get your boys to understand that using those words is unacceptable in your family and this might be hard to do as 5 year olds like to push the envelope, BTDT! My DD has heard swear words from my hubby's family (that's another thread entirely) and we've explained that they are hurtful, make people sound not very smart and that if used, mommy and daddy will not speak or help her at all. The worst word my daughter has said is stupid and she then apologized for that right away.

It takes hard work, consistency and patience as swearing is a difficult thing to deal with as many adults think it's not a big deal, when in fact it is for many of us.

I wish you much luck as your boys are exhibiting behaviours that are unacceptable for your family, and this must be frustrating for you!

I wish you patience and luck, Tiger

 

[bluefairy21]

We are at our wits end with my DS(5). My husband and I do not swear in the house. We spell everything questionable. It's like a spelling bee around here.
Now, my older son's favorite thing to call any of us though is "idiot" We have tried everything and he won't stop. It is so disrespectful to us but of course he doesn't do it at school. He is a different boy at school. Maybe his teacher could come live with us.

 

[justtobeme2]

In order to stop the behavior the consequences have to be more severe than the payoff of saying the word. Honestly it will take only once or twice to control this. Give your child a warning "If you say that word ONE more time I am going to take away your favorite game/toy/event for X amount of time". If they do it TAKE it away for the exact amount of time you told them (remember say what you mean and mean what you say). Then when you give it back tell them "if you say any of these words again I will GIVE away this item to some child who DOESN'T say these words" and then if they test you, and yes it's a battle, you DO it! Your child will then learn that you mean what you say. You MUST be consistent and MEAN what you say. The value of the item you give away will pale in comparison to the YEARS yes YEARS of enjoyment you will have with your kids.

Here is a little analogy I make with adults. Kids and adults aren't nearly as different as we like to make them out to be, esp when it comes to human nature. If, as an adult, you walked up to a ATM machine and put in your PIN number 4 times before you got it right and an a gift card with 100.00 to your favorite store popped out free and clear with a note that said "please don't put your PIN number in 4 times again because you are going to wear out our pin pad by so many pushes and we don't like that". You know that 99% of all ADULTS will go back to that ATM and try to repeat what they did to get that giftcard (payoff) BUT if you put your PIN number in 4 times and a note popped out that said "if you put your pin code in 4 times we are going to keep your card for GOOD" how many people are going to put their pin code in the 4th time? NONE BUT we know that most people will go so far as to put it in 3 times because there are no repercussions. How many times do you think that people would put in the PIN code if that note said "after 2 times we keep your card"? You see we KNOW that the ATM MEANS what it says. We don't test it because the repercussion of losing our card is too great but if we had someone come up and say "I did it 100 times and they always gave me my card back and ONCE I won another giftcard" (payoff) most people would go back to trying to get that giftcard. Even the POTENTIAL payoff with kids is worth the risk if the repercussion large enough and if there is ONE chance that you will not follow through with the repercussion you promised. Always give your kids what you promise them. If you promise them a new toy when you go to the store then you buy it, if you promise them restrictions/time outs/loss of toys/game time whatever, then you follow what you tell them to the T! NO cutting down on time for good behavior. They are master manipulators. They MUST believe you are a person of your word OR they will ALWAYS test your word (remember the ATM that didn't always take your card)....Parents must be the ONE thing kids trust they mean what they say and say what they mean. Don't tell your kids that they are going to get a punishment that you can never follow through with, such as you are NOT leaving the house for 2 weeks if YOU know you can't stay home with them for the 2 weeks (age appropriate of course). If you are inconsistent in what you tell your kids even SOMETIMES they will ALWAYS test you to see if you mean what you say "this time". If parents could realize how much easier it is when your kids believe what you say. Imagine being able to take your children anywhere. Imagine all the opportunities they can have because they don't (swear/hit/lie/bully/pout/scream). YOu see letting children get away with those behavours actually is limiting to them. Imagine having your kids in a toy store and they start acting up and you say "if you don't stop we are leaving" and them KNOWING that you will put everything down and leave at that very moment. What would they do? Or little Johnny knows 100% that if he says that cuss word one more time his favorite game/toy is GONE. Not gone until he starts acting right but GONE for a week or forever. How many toys do you think it will take before he gets the point?

A few years ago I was keeping my girlfriends 8 year old daughter for about a week. I thought renting a movie and then getting some ice cream would be fun for her/us. We went to the video store and all she wanted me to rent was movies such as He ll Raiser. I said, "no lets find something we both can enjoy". Well she got annoyed and started sighing heavy and asking over and over "can we go, can we go, can we go" and I said "If you ask me one more time we are going to leave and go directly home, no ice cream"...well...she asked one more time and I said "fine lets go"...The ice cream store was right by the video store and as we left and I walked right by the ice cream store I saw her face fall. She got SO MAD that she wouldn't talk to me the rest of the nite and half of the next day. That was fine with me as long as she wasn't rude and answered me if I asked her a question. After she got over her anger we proceeded to have a nice week and if she started to get out of hand and I told her what the repercussion would be she knocked it off. I told her mom she wasn't a problem at all the whole week she couldn't believe it. But she was delightful and I was able to take her to some special outings like the movies/dinner etc.

 

[justtobeme2]

We are at our wits end with my DS(5). My husband and I do not swear in the house. We spell everything questionable. It's like a spelling bee around here.
Now, my older son's favorite thing to call any of us though is "idiot" We have tried everything and he won't stop. It is so disrespectful to us but of course he doesn't do it at school. He is a different boy at school. Maybe his teacher could come live with us.

How does that make you feel that your child is good for his teacher and not you? The fact that he CAN be good is a good thing. He is good at school because he trusts his teacher will do what she says 100% and he doesn't want the repercussions HE know SHE will dole out if he acts up. YOu can have this too from your son that's the good news, obvious he needs more motivation to stop being disrespectful of you, find that motivation and use it!!!