Cross between a rant and a bit of advice please??

[T16GEM]

DS started at playgroup in September, he only goes 2 mornings a week at the moment, and loves it, but Last Friday I was told that he had bitten another child, obviously we were shocked as he hasn't done it before and we told him how bad it was etc etc, they didn't think that anything had happened to cause him to do it. DS is the youngest there and although his speech is very good he sometimes struggles to get his words out quick enough, it's like his mind is working quicker than his mouth (I'm sure that will change! )

Then yesterday he did it again, I felt so awful as it was the same child, I interrogated him and he said that he was "squeezed" so I asked him to show me what a squeeze was and he pinched my hand, so I mentioned to playgroup this morning and they said that they noticed there was a little fight over a bike yesterday.

Today, I recieved a call from playgroup who said that DS had done it again, to the same child, she did tell me that this child had been strangling DS at the time, so obviously DS had responded in the only way he could to get him off him. I fully understand that it's wrong of him etc to be biting, but when I am told that this other child's mother is very upset because her son has been bitten and then in the next breath I am told that DS has been strangled by him how exactly am I meant to feel. DS is being villified for his actions but the other child has apparently had nothing said to him.


I also noted on Facebook that the mother had sent the playgroup leader a message to say that he should have been in Nursery today but he wanted to come to playgroup's party so they were going to let him go there instead! I am shocked that someone would take a 4YO out of his proper school environment to take them to a toddlers playgroup party.

I guess I am wondering if any of you have had experience with this kind of thing - what do you do to stop biting?? DD did it once and that was the end of it so we didn't really have to find a rememdy for it then.

I am hoping that with having 5 weeks off now he can move on and it won't happen when he goes back at the end of Jan.

Any advice greatfully received!

 

[PoppyAnna]

My youngest DD went through a stage of biting her older sister between age 2-3. It is horrible, I really sympathise with you. Although it sounds like your Harley has been provoked it seems it doesn't matter what that child has done the bite (and the biter) is seen as the worse.

My DD did it at her pre-school once. I was mortified, although the pre-school didn't, DD told me the child that she bit and I made Poppy do a "I'm sorry" picture for the child. They both got over it and quite rightly so they get on well now

I cannot praise this book enough. You read it to the child in the form of their bedtime story it's a very simple board book but it re-enforces messages like "teeth are for chewing and smiling" etc.
It worked a treat for my Poppy and I'm am pleased to say that her key worker at pre-school has told me that she has been provoked a few times since and has never biten back, she was even attacked with a pair of scissors earlier this year but walked away. Even though she was four back in September I still read it to her every now and then.

As for the child coming out of pre-school to go to a playgroup party, I think it depends on the local school structure. My DD's pre-school isn't connected to a primary school, I guess most people would call it a nursery. I note that you call a playgroup somewhere that your leave Harley, to me a playgroup (or toddler group) is somewhere that I stay with Poppy and chat with other Mums whilst she plays. We go to a fantastic playgroup and if their party clashed with a session at pre-school I might consider taking her out. My DD's preschool is very play and social skill building focussed and they only do more formal learning with them a couple of terms before they are due to start school.

I hope this helps Gem, I do sympathise with you I dreaded Poppy going to pre-school sometimes wondering if she would do it again. We would man mark Poppy closely at family functions although, probably like you in my heart of hearts I don't think she ever would have hurt anybpdy else and she never did. I still have in the back on my mind sometimes now....
That book really is a worthwhile investment IMHO.

 

[natalielongstaff]

The biting phase is horrible, some kids do it and some never do..there is no rhyme or reason to it Poor harly was onviously provoked though, try not to worry about it he may well have forgotton all about it after the hols xx

 

[wideeyes]

biting is so common at that age, I have seen it regularly at the nursery I have been working at, It mostly seems to be caused by frustration or a child unable to express themselves. I don't think hurting the child is there intent. The mother must realise that at toddlers play group children, bite and shuffle with each other.


The best way to stop it is to stop it before it happens by watching him closely with other children, without making him feel punished or singled out. some children just don't get on so if it is the same child then the play group staff should be watching them when together. If he does bite tell him it hurts the other person and makes them feel sad.

 

[T16GEM]

Just ordered the book - and another one that Amazon recommends too
Thanks guys!

 

[joolz1910]

My middle DD has been bitten by two different children - not very pleasant but I let it go because the children were told to apologise. Most kids do something unpleasant at some point in their school career. I'm know my kids are no angels themselves. I would ask that your child and the other child are kept apart for a while - tbh I would be concerned that 'strangling' wasn't seen as being as serious as biting! I would point out that I didn't want my child to be strangled.

As for taking a child out to attend a playgroup party - I honestly don't see a problem with that. Formal education doesn't begin in some other countries until age 7 and it's not compulsory here until age 5.

 

[mickeyforpresident]

Hi - I don't post on the community boards much, but thought I would contribute to this discussion as my DS (now a young 4 in school) went through a terrible biting phase at Nursery so I could present another viewpoint to you. I hope this is ok.

My son had (still has) a very delayed speech and language issue and we felt that his biting was out of frustration more than anything (so I think that there is some mileage in your thoughts that he needs to react and can't communicate his frustration in words quickly enough).

Children also react kind with kind in the early stages of their development, so it's perfectly normal to bite. But! I think you should always consider, as should professionals who work with children, and recognise that all behaviour is first of all communication and has a reason and purpose and this should be fully investigated before sanctions are imposed so that children can be educated in the best ways of dealing with the situation next time in a better way (without knowing the cuase its impossible to deal with the action in a good way). All too often, teachers (I am one) and Nursery Nurses (often young) see the bite mark (and over react) and fail to notice (in this instance) the strangling, which is obviously much more horrific.

The book is a good idea - the use of a social story can have be a very powerful contributor to modifying a child's behaviour - but remember it might not work as it sounds like your child is being provoked and unless the nursery deal with both children well... well it's very difficult.

I guess there are two ways of looking at dealing with this. You could ignore it and it will probably go away. We did this a few times as by DS was punished by the Nursery, there was no way we were punishing him at home, especially after we found out that a child was constantly taking his toys off him. The second thing is to perhaps lay an understanding to the son that if he bites again then "this" will happen (perhaps no sweets / early bed etc.)

I also don't wish to sterotype, but the other child's parents are likely to be those who turn their children into bullies by not providing any boundarys and never telling their child off and letting them get away with murder (the terrible child who is never told "no"). This does this child no good for their future relationships in school or as adults in the world!

As for the other child missing school to go the nursery party - completely wrong in my opinion - how is the child forming relationships with his class mates if he's still being dragged to nursery. Seems odd to me.

Hope this helps!!

MfP

 

[wideeyes]

Hi - I don't post on the community boards much, but thought I would contribute to this discussion as my DS (now a young 4 in school) went through a terrible biting phase at Nursery so I could present another viewpoint to you. I hope this is ok.

My son had (still has) a very delayed speech and language issue and we felt that his biting was out of frustration more than anything (so I think that there is some mileage in your thoughts that he needs to react and can't communicate his frustration in words quickly enough).

Children also react kind with kind in the early stages of their development, so it's perfectly normal to bite. But! I think you should always consider, as should professionals who work with children, and recognise that all behaviour is first of all communication and has a reason and purpose and this should be fully investigated before sanctions are imposed so that children can be educated in the best ways of dealing with the situation next time in a better way (without knowing the cuase its impossible to deal with the action in a good way). All too often, teachers (I am one) and Nursery Nurses (often young) see the bite mark (and over react) and fail to notice (in this instance) the strangling, which is obviously much more horrific.

The book is a good idea - the use of a social story can have be a very powerful contributor to modifying a child's behaviour - but remember it might not work as it sounds like your child is being provoked and unless the nursery deal with both children well... well it's very difficult.

I guess there are two ways of looking at dealing with this. You could ignore it and it will probably go away. We did this a few times as by DS was punished by the Nursery, there was no way we were punishing him at home, especially after we found out that a child was constantly taking his toys off him. The second thing is to perhaps lay an understanding to the son that if he bites again then "this" will happen (perhaps no sweets / early bed etc.)

young children snatch toys, it is what they do. They don't understand that something is not just for them. Children snatching and biting are the most common things I see, and it is mostly the children who don't communicate who bite etc. I don't punish children for biting, I explain that it hurts and and makes the person feel sad and depending on the child's age get them to say sorry, if the child is a repeated biter then I will keep an eye on them. young children especially 2-3 years olds don't bite to hurt others or to be "bad".

If I saw a child strangling in a nursery I would be very concerned about that child's welfare and what they are seeing at home.

 

[T16GEM]

If I saw a child strangling in a nursery I would be very concerned about that child's welfare and what they are seeing at home.

I totally agree with you on this one, but in this instance his mother has just had a baby girl (last Wednesday) and I think he may be rebelling about this, maybe loss of some attention etc is having an effect on him, they send him to playgroup in the AM then he does nursery in the afternoon, so he may feel a little pushed out.

I do feel a bit better about the situation now, when they go back to playgroup I am going to ask that they are kept apart. We are in WDW for 3 weeks after the Christmas holidays so they will have some space too.

 

[wideeyes]

I totally agree with you on this one, but in this instance his mother has just had a baby girl (last Wednesday) and I think he may be rebelling about this, maybe loss of some attention etc is having an effect on him, they send him to playgroup in the AM then he does nursery in the afternoon, so he may feel a little pushed out.

yeah possible feeling fustrated and confused espcially if he knows his mum is at home with a new baby.

I think keeping them apart is the best thing they will probably both grow out of it soon.

 

[wicket2005]

You have had some sound advice here and I cannot add to it, but to say I hope it gets sorted soon.