Contacting the "other woman"

[MushyMushy]

I agree with the others. By all means, write the letter and make it a doozy! Get it all out and say everything you've ever wanted to say to the hateful wench. Then burn it or toss it.

I wouldn't do it - nothing good will come of it and it gives her the power in the situation. She might even get a rise out of knowing how much it affected you. I like the above poster's suggestion of writing a letter with everything you would say to her if you could. Just the act of writing out your thoughts and feelings will be healing - then burn it.

I agree.

I think these things never go in a way that would be satisfying. No matter what you say and how thick you try to lay the guilt on, the OW isn't going to have the reaction you want her to have. She can gloat, she can laugh, she can even deny it. Even if you do make her feel an ounce of guilt, I doubt she'd ever show it to you.

Totally not worth it.

 

[NJMomma]

I don't think it would help in the long run. It's like picking a scab - sometimes you really want to, but if you do, you will bleed again and take longer to heal.

Hope everything works out for you

 

[maddmike]

My Husband had an affair earlier this year with a younger woman. It started out as an emotional affair but turned physical and I found about it shortly after the physical affair started.

We are trying to work out our relationship in Marriage Therapy.

Anyway, I did some digging and found her on Facebook. I know the rational side of me says to just let it be but I have a very strong desire to tell her off via e-mail in FB. I know it's not a good idea but is it that weird or wrong for me to feel this way? She is single and much younger than my Husband and probably has no real clue what she did to me emotionally. I know it was my husband who broke his marriage vows to me but I have e-mail and voicemail proof that she was definitely the one who initiated/chased my husband for months. I guess in some way I want her to have consequences for her actions.

Any thoughts, suggestions? I haven't asked my therapist about this but i'm sure thinking/dwelling on this is probably not helping me move further forward at this point.

You didn't mention if she knew if your husband was married or not when the affair began but know one thing for sure...YOUR HUSBAND DID! He is the one who is responsible for the emotional stress caused to you and your marriage. He is the one that had the responsibilty in your marraige to put the brakes on an affair and stop it before it started. I agree you have every right to be angry at the other woman but I would place all blame on your husband. Broken trust is very hard if not impossible to repair. I wish you well.

 

[java]

That would be a big no. The one that deserves the telling off is your DH. I understand the anger. Just try to direct it towards the one that actually had a relaionship with you. Plus you don't want that "out there" to be used against you at any time. I'll tell you what I tell my kids. If you put it on facebook you have to assume EVERYONE saw it. Would you want that?

I'm sorry.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Your feelings... Yep, COMPLETELY understandable!

But, everyone is right... DON'T DO IT.

I like ideas of venting to your therapist
(a good round of scream therapy!!!)
Have your therapist, or best friend, whomever, put in some earplugs, and just have at it.... use every word in the book and call her every name in the book if might help!

You will know that you have risen above and gotten past this when you get to the point where you see this person as the pitiful woman that she is, and do not feel the need to vent anger at her.... When you realize that you need to vent your anger and frustration in a more effective way, and put all your efforts into working thru this with your husband... Remember, you can't really place any more anger or blame towards her than you can him....

Know that all of us here on the DIS hope for the best for you and your marriage!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Tempting as it may be, I wouldn't do it.

 

[rie'smom]

If you contact her, you afre inviting her back into the relationship which would be a terrible idea.

 

[OceanAnnie]

If you contact her, you afre inviting her back into the relationship which would be a terrible idea.

Yes. You would be inviting her to contact your DH again, and to have a relationship with you (adversarial as it may be).

 

[Christine]

You need to ask yourself what the purpose of contacting her is?

Do you just want to scream at someone?

Do you think you will actually *get* to her? You won't.

As others have said, contacting her will just probably validate her importance in this whole thing and you really don't want to do that. Your issue is not with this girl at all--it is with your husband. So many woman who've been cheated on seem to do very well with "forgiving" their cheating spouses but then they transfer their anger and blame over to the other woman. That's not where belongs. Believe me, she will have her own lifelong issues to deal with regarding this behavior. Direct your anger and your feelings where they belong--toward your husband.

 

[manning]

My job before retirement involved negotiating, The very first thing we where taught was check your emotions at the door. In other don't get emotional. If you do you lose. And I found that out the hard way. I was told by my boss to apply what was taught me or start looking elsewhere for work. He was right.

You may get emotional satisfaction, but at the risk of losing the battle.

You unload on her and she has the chance she is looking for. She is saying to herself "I'm getting to her, great".

Keep your emotions in check and control the situation!!!!! You'll drive her buggy. she loses.

 

[Disney Doll]

Do not give her the satisfaction of thinking she has upset you.

If she knowingly cheated with a married man, then she is a skank. You have no need to tell her. You know, and deep down inside, she knows.

I don't excuse any woman who knowingly goes after a married man, but the fact remains that your husband broke his vows to you. She could have pursued him till she was blue in the face...if he didn't respond or reciprocate, eventually she would have moved on. So your "beef" is with him, as I am quite sure you know.

You FB her, and she'll be on the phone to your DH faster than you can blink, you'll be the nasty hag wife picking on the poor innocent young thing...the whole thing has trouble written all over it.

Talk to the therapist. Write her a letter and burn it, imagine her married in 10 years with a husband who's cheating on her...do whatever you've got to do in order to get it out of your system but don't contact her.

 

[Ronda93]

No good can come of it. Don't do it. Don't give her the satisfaction.

I agree with some PPs. Write it down. Use all the words that **** out. Be angry. Put it away. Burn it later. I've had a couple of fire ceremonies. They feel great!

Your gripe is with the guy across the table.

to you as you work through this.

 

[Serena]

yeah, get a best friend, even your husband and tell them you need to vent, loudly. I think using your husband to yell at, and then turning it onto your husband, how could he ruin what you have for that?! Ect, etc. Would be a great idea, maybe talk to the therapist first so they can help talk you through it.

but do not call, text, contact her for any reason. Your revenge would be the marriage working in spite of her.

 

[bumbershoot]

You didn't mention if she knew if your husband was married or not when the affair began but know one thing for sure...YOUR HUSBAND DID! He is the one who is responsible for the emotional stress caused to you and your marriage. He is the one that had the responsibilty in your marraige to put the brakes on an affair and stop it before it started. I agree you have every right to be angry at the other woman but I would place all blame on your husband. Broken trust is very hard if not impossible to repair. I wish you well.

Absolutely. Definitely. For sure.


**********

So listen, I was single for ages, I worked in a bar...I've been the other woman, briefly, a couple of times. Each time I was told that "sure I'm married but she's cold, unfeeling, our marriage is dead, I'm waiting for whatever to file for divorce", whatever. I was naive and young and I believed it. (and actually divorce did always happen, even after I was well out of the picture) I was the symptom of the problem, not THE problem.

It's possible that in this case he didn't start off with that stuff, but I bet at some point some of that was told to her, and I bet she believed it.


So...until she gets it, she's not going to get it. And you won't help her get it. She'll remember everything he told her about you, and that will act as a filter to what you are saying. It will be useless. Don't do it.


And I get it more now. But. I stand firm with...the only one messing with their morals is the MARRIED one. If my husband had an affair, she would merely be the symptom. HE would be the problem. If I had an affair, the guy would be the symptom...I would be the problem. Not the other people.

I remember being single...if I didn't want to date someone, no wheedling they did could get me to date them if I didn't want to. So just b/c she pursued him doesn't mean that that gives him a pass. If he truly did NOT want to see her, he wouldn't have.

HE caused the problem. Work it out with HIM. Ignore her. She's like a cough or a sneeze. A symptom.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Terrible idea....
If you are trying to truly work things out you need to discuss this with your therapist.

Sounds to me you are more upset with her age

 

[Mad4Mickey]

see I am a bad person because not only would I contact her but I would let everyone she knows she is a tramp ! But the reality is that if you are working on your marriage then you love him and are willing to let it go with him so you have to let it go with her

 

[alexandria674]

Let me first say I am really sorry this is happening to you. I hope everything comes out for the best for you.

Now, personally I would want to send this girl a message, in fact a few calling her the things I can only think in my head and not type on the DIS boards however, in the end it would not really help the situation. I agree with everyone else that it is probably not a beneficial thing to FB this girl.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

see I am a bad person because not only would I contact her but I would let everyone she knows she is a tramp ! But the reality is that if you are working on your marriage then you love him and are willing to let it go with him so you have to let it go with her

I'd be tempted to do the same (particularly if it appeared that she had family members as friends...I'd want her mother, aunts, or whatever to know what she did.) But, in the long run I wouldn't do it.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I'd be tempted to do the same (particularly if it appeared that she had family members as friends...I'd want her mother, aunts, or whatever to know what she did.) But, in the long run I wouldn't do it.

Inflicting pain on someone's family is just cruel.
They weren't in bed with the OPs husband.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Inflicting pain on someone's family is just cruel.
They weren't in bed with the OPs husband.

You did see that I said I'd be tempted, but wouldn't do it right? The reason I'd be tempted is that the thing that would embarrass me more than anything else is if someone told my mom or my dad something like that about me (of course, I would never do something like that in the first place.) But the fact that it would hurt the family member is one of the major reasons I wouldn't do it. The other reason is that I wouldn't want to stoop to the other woman's level.