Contacting the "other woman"

[dismom2005]

My Husband had an affair earlier this year with a younger woman. It started out as an emotional affair but turned physical and I found about it shortly after the physical affair started.

We are trying to work out our relationship in Marriage Therapy.

Anyway, I did some digging and found her on Facebook. I know the rational side of me says to just let it be but I have a very strong desire to tell her off via e-mail in FB. I know it's not a good idea but is it that weird or wrong for me to feel this way? She is single and much younger than my Husband and probably has no real clue what she did to me emotionally. I know it was my husband who broke his marriage vows to me but I have e-mail and voicemail proof that she was definitely the one who initiated/chased my husband for months. I guess in some way I want her to have consequences for her actions.

Any thoughts, suggestions? I haven't asked my therapist about this but i'm sure thinking/dwelling on this is probably not helping me move further forward at this point.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think it sounds like a bad idea.

At this point, if you all are trying to work through things, let that go the best that you can. Don't let her think for one second that she has any control over you and your feelings.

I think writing it all down (or typing it out) might help you. Pretend you are sending it to her but DO NOT. Either tuck it away or burn it. Sometimes putting your feelings down on paper really helps. I did this when my dad was dying of cancer and found it to be more helpful than I could have ever imagined.

Good luck on healing your marriage.

 

[creativeamanda]

My Husband had an affair earlier this year with a younger woman. It started out as an emotional affair but turned physical and I found about it shortly after the physical affair started.

We are trying to work out our relationship in Marriage Therapy.

Anyway, I did some digging and found her on Facebook. I know the rational side of me says to just let it be but I have a very strong desire to tell her off via e-mail in FB. I know it's not a good idea but is it that weird or wrong for me to feel this way? She is single and much younger than my Husband and probably has no real clue what she did to me emotionally. I know it was my husband who broke his marriage vows to me but I have e-mail and voicemail proof that she was definitely the one who initiated/chased my husband for months. I guess in some way I want her to have consequences for her actions.

Any thoughts, suggestions? I haven't asked my therapist about this but i'm sure thinking/dwelling on this is probably not helping me move further forward at this point.

I wouldn't do it.

 

[DrCavin]

Nothing good will come from it, move on

 

[holycow]

Just a HUG.

If you are trying to work this out I would probably take up kick boxing to work out my anger/ aggression. She is young and sounds immature and probably would really love hearing from you. It will make her case that much stronger that your hubby should love her instead. You know what I mean???

Good luck working things out.

 

[NMAmy]

It's not weird to feel that way--it's really a pretty natural response. HOWEVER, do not act on it. You're giving her more power over you than she deserves. Talk to your therapist but please don't contact her. Writing it out and burning the letter is a good idea.

I know how hard this situation is and I'm sorry you've been going through it.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

My Husband had an affair earlier this year with a younger woman. It started out as an emotional affair but turned physical and I found about it shortly after the physical affair started.

We are trying to work out our relationship in Marriage Therapy.

Anyway, I did some digging and found her on Facebook. I know the rational side of me says to just let it be but I have a very strong desire to tell her off via e-mail in FB. I know it's not a good idea but is it that weird or wrong for me to feel this way? She is single and much younger than my Husband and probably has no real clue what she did to me emotionally. I know it was my husband who broke his marriage vows to me but I have e-mail and voicemail proof that she was definitely the one who initiated/chased my husband for months. I guess in some way I want her to have consequences for her actions.

Any thoughts, suggestions? I haven't asked my therapist about this but i'm sure thinking/dwelling on this is probably not helping me move further forward at this point.

I think I would be like you and really WANT to do it, but I think it would be best if you didn't. You are mending your relationship and like a PP said I wouldn't want her to think she got the best of me and has control over my emotions. I hope everything works out for you! Good Luck and stay strong.

I also think it is something you should talk to your therapist about, let her know what your feeling.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

I agree with the PPs...while I would also really, really, really want to confront the other woman, no good would come of it.

Writing a letter and talking to your therapist about it are both good suggestions. You could even try having a friend "be her" so that you can tell "her" what you really want to say.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Telling her off via FB will give her a reason to contact your DH & it will be counter-productive with working things out with your DH.

I understand the desire to do it but I would not act on it.

 

[RadioNate]

Your feelings are 100% normal. Though I'd tell you not to act on them.

I love the letter writing suggestion. Write it all down.

I know it is your DH who broke his vows BUT she knew he was married and an honorable woman wouldn't enter a relationship with someone else's husband.

 

[supercarrie]

I wouldn't do it - nothing good will come of it and it gives her the power in the situation. She might even get a rise out of knowing how much it affected you. I like the above poster's suggestion of writing a letter with everything you would say to her if you could. Just the act of writing out your thoughts and feelings will be healing - then burn it.

 

[7165red]

Don't do it. If you feel tempted come here and let it out.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I understand - I just left my DBF of 7 years (we had lived together for the past 2 years and just got a puppy together 8 months ago) last week because I found out he cheated and then had an ongoing dialogue with this person for several weeks after.

I really wanted to text her or email her and let her know that he was a "taken" man and to leave him alone - but you know what - my anger wasn't really with her. It was with him for breaking his commitment to me and to our "family."

I stayed away from it and focused my hurt and anger where they were really meant to be - on him for having so little respect for me (and for "us") that he felt he could go out and do something like this.

I wouldn't contact her - no good will come of it.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

Also, she sounds immature so she would probably fight with you and this would be an on going terrible thing. She'll never realize or even think she is wrong until she is married, if that even happens. So, please don't act on the feeling.

 

[HERSEY]

I am sorry you are going through this. Nothing good would come from confronting this woman. I went through this. I could have made a lot of trouble for the woman since this was happening on company time but I figured it took two to tango. I figured it was better taking the high road. I did run her over several times in my dreams though.

I wish you and your husband much luck in overcoming this. It will be a tough road.

 

[Scurvy]

Unless she was your friend before this (and I'm assuming she wasn't since you had to track her down) then you should not confront her. First, she could have chased your husband forever but if he wasn't receptive to her advances then it wouldn't have mattered. If she knew he was married and was involved with him anyway, she isn't the type of person to care that you were hurt by their relationship - in fact she might be happy about it.

Anyone who would knowingly have a affair with a married person is a horrible person with no morals. You aren't going to be able to reason with her, and you are better than she is - you don't need to be fighting with her. In the end, she doesn't matter. Your vows were between you and your husband - she wasn't a part of that and obviously felt she didn't owe you or your marriage any respect. Your husband is the one who matters. If you can forgive him and repair the relationship, great. But forget about her - she wasn't your problem. He was. She's probably moved on to someone else's husband by now.

 

[mtemm]

don't do it.

it always sounds good, but from experience I can tell you it rarely feels as good as you expect it to.

trust me, I've btdt. granted, I knew the woman my husband had an affair with (he worked with her, I had met her at parties and such).

feel free to pm me, or ask me any questions.

one thing that might help is to write her a letter...pour anything you want to say to her in it. then BURN it. don't send it, just light that puppy up and set it free.

I hope you and your husband are able to work things out! it can happen.

 

[KAMKIM]

I'm so sorry and hope things work out between you and your DH.

I would not contact her, she will love every minute of it...because she got to you. Women like this are...well I wont go there...but you will just make her day if she realizes you took the time to look her up.

But if I was you I would have done the same thing - I wouldn't contact her...but chances are she has also looked you up...make you page public and note how happily in love you are

 

[SNylund]

Does she know that he's married? That would be my only question if she thinks he's single, it may be worth it to let her know she is messing with a married man, but barring that I would leave it alone.

 

[NikitaZee]

Don't do it. Talk to your therapist about it - as often as you need to - and force yourself to stay off of her facebook page.

So sorry that happened in your marriage.