College Parents - What am I going to do?

[TammiMcMan]

We had huge reservations about sending DD, then 17, to college last fall. She really wanted to experience dorm life and finally after researching the college, visiting and speaking to the staff, we felt comfortable letting her move 5 1/2 hours away. She had the usual first year struggles with being home sick and keeping up with all her work, but her first term grades were pretty decent. Now flash to present day. She's been home for 6 weeks and I've been bugging her because I haven't gotten any mail from her school. This is our first child in college though and we have zero experience with this type of thing. I did kind of figure that we'd have some grades, or the fall bill coming along. Mother's instinct all of sudden kicked in and it just felt like something was very wrong. Well, I ended up finding some college envelopes that had last weeks date on them. Guess my DD was trying to hide the fact that she only obtained a 1.94 gpa and she has lost all her scholarships and stafford loan for next year. I am so sick at this moment. She needed a 2.0. There is absolutely no way that we can afford to send her to this college without those scholarships. I'm upset with DD for hiding all of this from us and I'm upset with the school for not letting us know that there was a problem. I understand that she is now 18 and considered an adult, but everyone know's that it's us, the parents, who are footing the bill. When she was accepted, we talked to her admissions officer and she assured us that if there were any problems with her maintaining the scholarships, that we would hear about it. Plus during the freshman orientation, the president of the school addressed a question regarding parent notification. She even said that they tried to work it out with the students, but not to worry, if it was a major problem, the parents would be brought in. I guess I need to hear her definition of a major problem. Now with 6 weeks to go before the fall semester begins, we're just hearing about this and I feel like there's nothing we can do to fix it. At this point, I think her only option is going to be to transfer to our local state college (hopefully, she can get in at such a late date). So many people told us that she was not mature enough to go off to college on her own, but I really thought that she would be okay. My heart is just breaking right now and I have to wait until Monday before I can get any answers from the school. Sorry guys, just had to vent.

 

[Bojangles]

I would suggest having her go to a community college (if there's one nearby) and live at home until her grades come up and she re-qualifies for the Stafford. A lot of kids aren't able to live on their own at 17. Good luck.

 

[poochie]

My daughter too wanted to go to a state university, this too turned out to be too much too soon. After learning the hard way, the following year she transferred to the local community college. This was a much better fit for her. They all want to fly the nest after HS, but reality strikes hard, and some cope better than others, we can only be there for them when they falter. I think that will work out better for your DD. Good luck and take a breath, she just needs to find a fit in a more relaxed surrounding. This way she can concentrate on her studies and not have all the other distractions and worries.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

If I was in your shoes, first of all there would be MAJOR consequences for HER not telling me (much less hiding mail!!!!) about her grades. IMHO, the college did hold up their end of the responsibility by sending a grade report. She knew WELL in advance what kind of GPA she was going to pull.

Secondly, in order to remain in my home there would be strict requirements which included a curfew and mandatory attendance at community college classes.

Around Christmas (at the end of the first semester) I would begin to give her more freedom in preparation for returning to the other school next year.

Best of luck to you.

 

[bumcat]

The question really should be what is your daughter going to decide to do, not so much what are you going to do.
My oldest (now 21) did the same thing. Really good grades the first year and terrible the next year. She thought I would be disappointed if she quit so she kept quiet. Instead we wasted lots of money on a private college. Her heart just wasn't in it.
Try to talk to her and ask her what she wants to do right now. She might just want some time off and who knows maybe she will go later.
I also agree about the community college if she is interested. If she isn't you will still be wasting your money.
I told my daughter that once she quit college all her bills would be paid by her and not us. It took her three months to land a really good job and she was lucky that they hired her with no experience.
She is happy and loves her new job and can make a career out of it.

 

[sk!mom]

We should start a support group.

My DS was also a freshman this past year with the same disappointing results. A GPA that low at his school has resulted in academic suspension for one semester. He has gotten a job- an outdoor, hot, hot, hot job. Which DH and I hope will help him learn the lesson that a choice to forgo higher education could result in some pretty tough, low paying jobs. He plans to go back to school in January. We have also gotten him some counseling to help him figure out what he is interested in and what he might want to study. The counseling seems to be helping him come up with a plan. We chose counseling because he is still enough of a teenager that he really doesn't put a lot of stock in any advice that DH and I have.

It has been almost two months since we learned his grades (he did tell us) and I am recovering from the depression that they put me in. I cried off an on all week-end when we found out. I will keep you in my thoughts. It is so hard to raise these wonderful young people- it hurts so much to see them wasting potential (DS graduated high school with honors).

Good Luck to you!

 

[TammiMcMan]

Thanks you guys. I have tears in my eyes while I read through all your support. We haven't even spoken to DD yet, but maybe she's had her fill of being away from home and just doesn't know how to tell us. Maybe I'm assuming a lot of things here. I do believe that everything does happen for a reason and while the college did seem like a perfect fit, maybe it just wasn't. I know that her dad and I would both be happier having her close to home and this past year it was hard not having her with us. In the end, we'll support whatever decision she makes and just hope for the best. This has been one tough life lesson, I will admit to that.

Thanks again, Tammi

 

[peachgirl]

Guess my DD was trying to hide the fact that she only obtained a 1.94 gpa and she has lost all her scholarships and stafford loan for next year. I am so sick at this moment. She needed a 2.0.

Are you sure she's lost them? I was on academic scholarships and had to maintain a 3.0 to keep them. Had I dropped below that I would have been put on probation for a semester before losing the scholarships.

As far as the school notifying you, at least here, the university isn't allowed to share any information with the parents unless the student specifically signs a waiver. I know it seems unfair, but it's the law.

If your daughter goes back out of town, I'd insist she sign that disclosure waiver.

Good luck!

 

[Serena]

I wouldn't do anything at all. Let her hang herself in her lies. She chose to keep this from you, let her deal with it. I'd set up ground rules right now for the house though.
There is no way she'd be living there rent free. She may have decided she's not ready for college. But let her figure it out. If and when she asks for help, then I'd give her some, but not until then.
Since she is hiding this, she may lose out on this next year of college, but it may be a lesson learned.

Of course, you can remind me of this if it happens with my daughter. It's much easier to sit back and make suggestions, than to live it. goodluck.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think BTP had some sage advice. I would add that you should be kept abreast of grades throughout the semester until she has earned your trust. Especially if you are paying for the classes.

It *might* be a good idea for her to get a part-time job to help pay for the classes. Maybe she will appreciate the privilege of going to college if she contributes. I know I did. (Plus, she will see for herself what she threw away.)

There are a lot of lessons for her to learn in what has happened.
I hope she sees them and can make some positive changes. Good luck to you both.

 

[Blueeyes101817]

that happened to two friends of mine this past year...One was sent to community college ..and the other took the semester off and worked full time in order to "pay" for someo f the classes that he failed...

the first year of college is rough, so maybe things will look up--good luck

 

[TammiMcMan]

peachgirl, from the little information that I've found, it does look like she did lose the scholarships and she has been placed on some sort of academic warning. I just saw this all tonight and I haven't had a chance to talk with her yet, so I honestly don't know the whole story.

I do realize that the college would not release any information to us in regards to grades. That really concerned me and as we had no experience with college stuff, we talked to her admissions officer and college president about it last fall. They realized that we are paying the bills and while they told us about the privacy issue, they did assure us that in a serious situation, we would be called in. I have no doubt that my daughter was well aware of her gpa and possibly what that entailed, but she is also just 18, a freshman and unfortunately still lacking in maturity. I don't blame the college, I'm just upset that they didn't follow through with something that I thought they would have. The problem rests entirely on her shoulders, but as her parents, we need to help her get through this.

sk!mom, I'd be happy to join a support group with you. I'll bring the bottle of wine

BTP, you're right. There has to be some consequence for her not telling us about the situation weeks ago. She made a big mistake and I really hope we end up doing the right thing and that she does learn from it. I knew that parenting was a full time job when I signed up for it, but some days are tougher than others.

 

[DawnCt1]

There are two schools of thought here. One to let her suffer the consequences and incurr some type of punishment for not being forthright as the circumstances were unfolding; the other, to try to salvage what's left and plot a course for the future. A child was put into an "adult" situation and she behaved like the teenager that she was. She dropped the ball. I would guess that she knew the situation was dire, which explained why she hid the evidence. Denial worked for a while. My approach would be the community college route. She may still require the structure and parenting that one can only get at home. I agree that there should be closer monitoring of academic performance of freshmen, before it becomes unsalvagable.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

It is a hard transition especially if you still need structure. High school has daily and weekly deadlines, homework has to be turned in. College has fewer deadlines, homework usually optional, fewer classes, usually 3 major tests.

The bad grades, loss of scholarships, loss of loan are hard enough natural consequences. She is probably embarassed and ashamed.

BIL flunked out of Rutgers and had to live at home and work his way through New Jersey Institute of Technology.

I did poorly my first semester because of too much socializing and not enough studying. I even flunked a course! But I did learn my lesson and didn't quit and graduated college. Still have nightmares about final exams though.

My mom flunked out of college her first semester. She never told us because she was so embarassed about it. Only found out last year when I helped her move and had to sort through her papers. She also eventually graduated, after 15 moves,10 kids and 18 years.

Good luck!

 

[TammiMcMan]

Dawn,

Thank you for putting my exact thoughts so eloquently into words. You are exactly right. She is a teenager and acted like one in this situation.

We'll call the school on Monday and just verify all the facts (if they will talk to us about it) and we'll go from there. I'm pretty sure that following that conversation, we will be at the local college setting up a transfer. And yes, she will have to continue working at her part time job and helping to pay for some of her expenses. Maybe that and the maturity of another year will set her on the right path again. I didn't mention before, but she is majoring in Marine Biology, so she has a long road ahead of her.

 

[Simba's Mom]

I feel so sorry for you! We went through a similar situation with DS several years ago. He chose a rather expensive private college, which gave him lots of aid and scholarship. Then he went up to San Antonio and loved the city so much, he forgot to study-lost it all. Barely hung on by his fingertips there, insisting things would improve. Meanwhile he kept enjoying San Antonio and forgetting to study. Finally we laid down the law and transferred him to a much cheaper, closer, state college way out in the boondocks. Like he said, "There's nothing to do here BUT study!" He ended up graduating with honors, and now he'll finally admit (after we all spent this money) that the first college really wasn't for him, and not studying was probably his way to get out of there, without admitting he didn't belong there. Wish he'd admitted this to himself and us sooner, but he was really glad when we "punished" him by making him withdraw and switch schools. And the change made such an improvement in his attitude and success. So talk to DD (after you yell at her-there was lots of yelling and lots of tears in our house), and good luck to all!

 

[Lanshark]

I went to college on a full ride academic scholarship. If my grades dropped noone would have known it except me until final grades were released. Grades can drop quickly from blowing finals or final projects. Or...There could have been a steady decline. The fact that she hid this from you kind of tells that she doesn't have the maturity or desire to return in the fall. It sounds like communication is the biggest issue at this point. Find out what happened and see what she wants to do. The path could be made clearer after a good heart to heart. There are a lot of things in life that are worse than community college.

 

[TammiMcMan]

I would have no problem with her going to our local college. I was voting for that one last year. As I said, she's majoring in marine biology and in addition to college, she'll be looking at graduate school also. That's a lot of years and I want her to be happy. We will definitely deal with the communication issue tomorrow, after we all get a goods night sleep.

I'm glad so many of you have responded. I feel a little more calm now that I've seen all the idea's bounced around. And I'm sorry that others have gone through this, but it feels better knowing that I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing your lives.

 

[m&m's mom]

This was almost exactly me.
I went from small town to major university at 17. I did very poorly the entire first year. The only way I could come back the next year was to go to summer school and bring my grades up. My DM made me to to a bank and borrow the money to pay for summer school and pay for it myself. I did and that was the last time I did something like that again.
I ended up graduating from that university w/ honors and continuing on to graduate school.
Boy, was my DM relieved!

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I'm here representing the "other" side of this problem. When I first went off to college I was 17 as well. I did not have any scolarships, just money from my mom, state grants and student loans. I graduated high school in May and was off to college in July, I couldn't wait. My first week there I got into some trouble and was put on social probation for a semester. Not really a big deal cuz I wasn't involved in much yet. I got decent grades that semester, but fall semester did me in. I was kicked out for one semester and placed on academic probation. I was devestated, my mom was devestated, but we put our heads together, and decided that YES I could really do it. I worked for the semester that I was out of school, saved up money, learned my lesson and headed back out. My grades were never an issue after that. My mom treated me like an adult even though I made a kid's mistake. She didn't tell me what to do, we worked through it together. Just something to think about. I never did lose any of my funding so that was never an issue, and that makes my story a little different from yours. But work together, help her learn to be the adult she needs to be.