Co-workers wedding wwyd

[Poohforyou]

I personally wouldn't pay for a hotel to go to the wedding of a colleague I'm social friends with.

If I were going I'd give a gift based on my relationship with the person not how much they're paying for their wedding. I wasn't consulted when they chose to be extravagant so it isn't my responsibility to fund that.

I live in NJ and am well aware of the "cover your plate" expectation. I find that extremely tracky.

 

[focusondisney]

I work in a very small office with 4 “girls” during the day we are all very close.

co-worker A and I have worked together over 10years. We are friends outside of work and have dinner maybe 2x a year based on our availability.
She is getting married (2nd marriage) in a small casual ceremony at 10am on aSaturday at a local herb farm. It’s about 20 minutes from us. There will be about 75 people in attendance. No photographer, no dj, no flowers, but a seated meal. It’s costing her approximately $25per plate.

Co-worker B is getting married one week later. She has only worked with us for 8 months. We have never gone out outside of work. Her wedding is 2.5 hours away on a Sunday evening. We all booked hotel rooms due to,distance. She has gone ALL out can we say Bridezella? It’s a black tie event and will have a wandering painter, breakdancers, ice sculptures, a live band, sit down meal, passed food ANd a food buffet. Photo booth, shuttle to and from the hotel,to the venue, you get it. Anything and everything will be here. I know it’s costing over $200 a plate (and that does NOT include all of the extras I just listed.

Do I give equal wedding gifts?

Personally, I would have declined that invitation. I can’t imagine traveling 2.5 hours & booking a hotel for a coworkers wedding. I would have to consider the person a very close friend to go to that trouble & expense. So looking at it that way, I would give relatively equal gifts.

And can’t help but wonder: if you are all going to be out of town for this girl’s wedding, is your office closed that Monday? And do you have to use vacation or PTO time too? Between the travel time & expense, personal time commitment & either using paid time or losing work time, sounds like a huge financial commitment already. Taking all that into account, I certainly wouldn’t increase my gift just because she is having a fancier wedding.

 

[sk!mom]

I would not travel and pay for a hotel for a coworker that I don't socialize with outside of work. For as short lived relationship as it has been, I probably wouldn't give a gift at all. I would just offer regrets. If I felt compelled to give a gift it would be something small. I would give my longtime coworker/friend a nice gift and attend.

If, for some reason, I decided to attend both weddings, I would give equal gifts. The extravagance of the one wedding would make me feel as if a nice gift was in order. I would want to give my longtime friend a nice gift.

I'm always in the camp of, my budget and relationship with the couple, dictates the gift amount but if you are willing to go to the expense of travel then I would assume budget isn't an issue.

 

[Shanti]

Do I give equal wedding gifts?

No.

You give the person you have known for 10 years & who is a real friend a nice gift, and attend her wedding.

You regretfully decline to travel hours out of town to attend the wedding of someone you've known only at work and for less than a year. You do not give her a gift. (No, you don't "owe" her anything because she's getting married & she invited you. That is a common, but puzzling, misconception.) You do send a gracious letter in which you send her your best wishes on her upcoming marriage.

 

[1GoldenSun]

I saw the word "wedding" and thought there would be drama. But you are all being so reasonable.

 

[aprilgail]

I would not travel and pay for a hotel for a coworker that I don't socialize with outside of work. For a short lives relationship as it has been, I probably wouldn't give a gift at all. I would just offer regrets. If I felt compelled to give a gift it would be something small. I would give my longtime coworker/friend a nice gift and attend.

If, for some reason, I decided to attend both weddings, I would give daily equal gifts. The extravagance of the one wedding would make me feel as if a nice gift was in order. I would want to give my longtime friend a nice gift.

I'm always in the camp of, my budget and relationship with the couple, dictates the gift amount but if you are willing to go to the expense of travel then I would assume budget isn't an issue.

I won't even travel for a family members wedding never mind a co-workers! I would send my regrets and call it a day and go out and spend the money I would have spent on a hotel and gift and do something fun!

 

[bellebud]

oh yea to another posters question, what's going on Monday morning? Is the office closed?

 

[focusondisney]

I won't even travel for a family members wedding never mind a co-workers! I would send my regrets and call it a day and go out and spend the money I would have spent on a hotel and gift and do something fun!

I was gonna say I would’t even travel for a family member too, but thought it would sound like I was just a cranky old lady. Glad I’m not the only one!

 

[aprilgail]

I was gonna say I would’t even travel for a family member too, but thought it would sound like I was just a cranky old lady. Glad I’m not the only one!

LOL- naaa I hate going to weddings, will do anything to get out of having to go. Weddings are just not that important to me and to have to spend an entire day on one, between the ceremony and reception, is just not something I care to do- my daughter is 18 and I keep saying "hey you know what is a good idea when you get married- saving money and elope" LOL-

 

[Nancyg56]

I give a set amount for weddings regardless of relationship or cost of the event. Honestly, based just off what you told us here, I probably would have found a reason to be unavailable for wedding B just because I can't see traveling that far and paying for a hotel to see the wedding of a coworker I'm not friends with outside work.

I also give a set amount for weddings that are outside of my family. My nieces and nephews get more, and that amount is determined by our relationship. I love them all, I attend all their weddings, however I have very special relationships with a few and gift them more.

I never feel compelled to "pay for the plate" and while I am cognizant of the venue, I did not choose it, therefore I refuse to bankrupt my spending for that meal. I also do not "punish" friends who choose a simpler affair. They all get the same.

In regards to this situation, I am not sure if I would have attended the out of town wedding, but if I did I would not feel compelled to gift that couple with in excess of $400. My close friend would be treated differently, and would get my regular gift with perhaps a little extra.

 

[sam_gordon]

As far as the question in the OP, I think it's ok to give slightly more to A. I would probably not have agreed to go 2.5 hours with an overnight stay for a coworker, unless we seriously "clicked" and were BFs.

Edited because I read the OP wrong.

 

[Ladyandthepuppies]

It would be classless of them to compare their gifts from you, but I would give the same thing to both just in case.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Haven't read any of the replies....
I do not, in any way, go with the 'cover your plate' thing.
I am one who believes that one should be a cheerful giver, and give according to what they want to give.
And, always be a cheerful giver.

I also hate command-performances.
If the whole office, except for you, will be attending the second wedding, I might want to go, just as part of the group of women. But, I would go because I wanted to do this, not just because I felt obliged to the one bride.

The only kicker I see is that these women, perhaps the "bridezilla" is one who is into 'the numbers', and bragging about financial values.
My first guess is that she would be the one to want to compare and brag about, or complain about, the gifts received.
Which may, or may not, leave you looking bad.
That of course, would so VERY inappropriate. But, I know how things happen.
Which is why I might consider giving any additional gift/amount, other than a standard equal amount, privately.

I might want to get creative here...
Give an equal amount, and then, privately, add to the gift(s) that you give the coworker that you are closer too.
Would the ladies in the office consider going together and doing something as a group?

 

[focusondisney]

Co-worker B is getting married one week later. She has only worked with us for 8 months. We have never gone out outside of work. Her wedding is 2.5 hours away on a Sunday evening.

I don't understand the concern for Monday work time. According to the OP, Coworker A gets married on Saturday. B gets married a week later (so a Saturday). A 2.5 hour drive to me means driving up Saturday, going to the wedding, spending the night and driving home Sunday. Why does it affect Monday?

As far as the question in the OP, I think it's ok to give slightly more to A. I would probably not have agreed to go 2.5 hours with an overnight stay for a coworker, unless we seriously "clicked" and were BFs.

You missed the bolded part. The 2nd coworker’s wedding is on Sunday evening. Thus staying over Sunday night. How would you drive 2.5 hours & get to work on time on Monday morning?

 

[piglet1979]

I give a set amount for weddings. I would give equal amount. If it were me in this situation I would have declined to go to Co-worker B's wedding. It is too far on a Sunday. I would not be spending the extra money for a hotel and a fancy dress. I would still get her a card with what ever amount I give for weddings.

 

[focusondisney]

Which is why I might consider giving any additional gift/amount, other than a standard equal amount, privately.

I might want to get creative here...
Give an equal amount, and then, privately, add to the gift(s) that you give the coworker that you are closer too.

Ummm, “privately” increase the amount? I don’t understand. Any monetary gift I give, I give privately. And I would expect it to stay private. I can’t imagine anyone comparing amounts that they received as wedding gifts. Heck, I never told my parents what amount I got from anyone & neither of my kids told me how much they received from anyone. Not even the total amount received. If I found out either one told the other what I gave, I’d be seriously ticked.

 

[focusondisney]

LOL- naaa I hate going to weddings, will do anything to get out of having to go. Weddings are just not that important to me and to have to spend an entire day on one, between the ceremony and reception, is just not something I care to do- my daughter is 18 and I keep saying "hey you know what is a good idea when you get married- saving money and elope" LOL-

I actually love weddings! But it is mostly family members that I get invited to, they are all local & I am very close to them all. I love getting to share their happiness & celebration. I’m actually sad that the recent wedding for my niece will probably be the last wedding for a long time.

Now random coworkers, that’s another story.

 

[TiggerTrigger]

I would not give equal gifts as the relationships are not equal in nature. I understand that one wedding is a second wedding and more informal, but it's your relationship with the person getting married that dictates the gift.

I realize it's a small work group, but I'd give more to the one who has been in my life longer and is both coworker and friend.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

I give wedding gifts based on the need of the couple in their lives together. Do they not own a single dish between the two of them and will be taking odds and ends from Mom? Well okay, you can have some Bed Bath and Beyond stuff. Have they made it more than clear they have a whack-tastic gift registry full of top-dollar items and they have large expectations to completely purge their previous belongings and buy all-new? Ahhhh yes, you can have a nice card and maybe $50.

Yeah I am the unpopular opinion here. My DH and I were not spring chickens fresh out of university when we got married and we didn't see the point in buying a bunch of new things when we both already had more than the basics and had been living on our own separately for many years.

 

[nkereina]

I'm in agreement that your gift should be based on your relationship to the couple, not on how much the wedding is costing them. I know "tradition" says your gift should at least cover your plate as rule of thumb, but in actuality you are just giving a gift to the couple - not reimbursing them for your food expenses. Give what you feel is appropriate for your relationship with each.