Co-workers wedding wwyd

[okeydokey]

My husband and I would have missed a lot of weddings if we had to pay 125 a plate to attend. I would have been embarrassed if it was found out why I wasn't attending.

 

[disykat]

We also would have chosen not to attend many weddings. I don't know that I would have been embarrassed at that point though. We choose not to do many things because of expense. Anyone close enough to us to invite us would know we wouldn't be coming. If it was someone we cared about, we'd send the gift we would have sent in honor of the celebration anyway.

 

[Imzadi]

I mean no bad intent in my posts.
I am just asking some questions to try and understand the 'norms' that appear to be mentioned in some cultures here.
My apologies if persons were offended by the questions.
Saying that it is just the way it is and it is a guideline didn't really explain (to me anyway) what the thought was behind this concept.

Is it that people want to get enough to make sure the wedding is paid for as much as possible?
Also if the parents pay for the wedding, do they get the gifted money?
Again more questions to try to understand.
Thank you!

Shoney posted the "why" two posts above your post. Maybe you were still reading or in the process of writing your post & didn't get to read her "why" explanation?

shoney: "I agree. I asked my mom about it since it was around when she got married in the 60’s. Both parents are decendents of Irish immigrants and lives in nyc. They were not wealthy by any means She said it was a way to help the couple start out. The brides family would scrimp and save and instead of just handing the money over without a reception they would throw an elegant party. The friends and family would “cover the plate” so the bride and groom would essentially get that money back. Then the next person would do the same for another close friend or family member.

Granted weddings were cheaper My mom said hers was $25 pp and it was a multi course prime rib dinner.

She also said it was a way to socialize and go out for a fancy night. People didn’t have the money to eat out every week."​

I grew up all around NY state. And I had never heard the term, "Cover your plate," until I read it on the DIS. However, I am aware of the custom. Maybe it's that term that is so objectionable to most people who aren't from here. It does sound very cold & financial - lacking "heart" which many have said is where their gifts come from. That is NOT the intent of "Covering your plate."

Shoney's mom said it really well. Here in NY, north NJ, & parts of CT, we do "big weddings" according to others from other parts of the DIS. That has always been customary at mostly all the weddings I've been to and have catered in all 3 states. (Except for a couple of young, still in grad school couples, who were naturally on a very limited budget.) Our "big weddings" consist of a hors d'oeuvres while waiting for the bride & groom to appear, open bar (negotiable,) a full 3 course meal or buffet (with choice of one of 2 entrees,) the wedding cake, usually a band for dancing, not a DJ, done at a wedding hall, a tent or huge backyard with hired waiters for the latter two.

While most couples aren't spending the amount an overboard Bridezilla might, they do spend quite a bit. They want their family & friends to attend & celebrate with them. So YES, we do "big weddings" to include them and give them the full 9 yards.

In return, as most family & friends attending know how much the wedding costs probably run, they gladly give some of the money back if they have it, in the form of gifts or money. So the bride & groom don't go bankrupt having a huge wedding reception just to see everyone. Remember, in generations past, the bride & groom often didn't live together and already have much of the items being given. A nice 6-slice toaster oven or stand mixer would really be appreciated - because the couple wouldn't have been able to afford it since they paid for the "big wedding" to see everyone.

As Shoney's mom said, instead of being financially set back because of a "big wedding," it was a way to help the bride & groom back. It is an honor & privileged to be invited to someone's wedding, knowing they could have cut you out. (General) You don't have to attend. Notice on the R.S.V.P.s there's no section to give a reason as to why you are NOT attending. REAL family and friends want help out in return if they have the funds to do so.

I think some people are confusing or conjoining Bridezillas with the "cover your plate" concept, thinking a Bridezilla & groom would be eyeing each plate with a tit-for-tat attitude. Sure, there are some people like that. Yet, they are out there in all parts of the country. That has not been the case for the "big weddings" I go to. (Don't know enough about the ones I was at catering.) But, MY friends don't do that. Do YOURS??? (General yours - that is.) They wouldn't be my friends for long if they are like that. Especially if they know our mutual friend Susie recently lost her job due to downsizing, yet they STILL expected a gift to cover her plate. If they were that way, that's a values problem, a superficiality, and having a lack of compassion & understanding for Susie, and I'd be seriously re-thinking about them as friends - because they'd do it to me too, when I'm down on my luck.

The parties & receptions I've been to where a Susie had lost her job, the bride & groom would fold her in a big hug, say how glad they were that she came, instead of staying home depressed. They'd hope she can forget about her troubles for the day, celebrating with them, get some more hugs from fellow friends, maybe get in some dancing and have a piece of the to-die-for wedding cake that can make anyone forget their troubles for a little bit. If they seriously think the $14.99 Sterling silver gravy ladle that she had specially monogrammed with their initials as less than, because they spent $47 on her plate, sooooooo not friends of hers. And good riddance to them. Susie deserves BETTER.


I'm tired of DISers bashing our metro-NY/NJ/CT "big weddings." I think many of you have watched the "big wedding" in The Godfather, too many times, and that Corleone, Long Island mafia wedding image is stuck in your head as to what OUR big weddings are like - with someone keeping score. "We do a little for you. . . Later, you do a little for us in return." NOT!

 

[Imzadi]

I will found this seems to be a cultural thing during my wedding I received a lot of wrapped gifts at my wedding none off my registry. Mostly things people think I needed and only from family (who are Jamaican and who also gave me wrapped gifts during my bridal shower). Growing up in NY and NJ there is also the cover plate mentality but I had a lot of coworkers and such who were shocked at how many wrapped gifts I received.

Of the weddings I've been to or catered, there was always a small, unobtrusive table in the corner for wrapped gifts. Usually, people traveling in may bring the gift so they wouldn't have to mail it later. They are already going to be where the bride & groom can get the gifts. So it's just expediency. Usually, someone in the bridal party takes all the gifts at the end of the reception & holds it for the bride & groom.

I agree who ever said not to attend co worker B's wedding. From person experience I changed jobs 11 months prior to my wedding.

I was thinking the same thing. I've changed jobs a lot. Co-worker B hasn't even been there a full year! She might also decide to get pregnant soon after marrying and become a SAHM after birth. She might not be there a full 2 years. The OP may regret later giving her a big present - or even a bigger present than her 10 yr coworker, who's also a sometimes outside of work friend.

 

[Princessclab]

Shoney posted the "why" two posts above your post. Maybe you were still reading or in the process of writing your post & didn't get to read her "why" explanation?

shoney: "I agree. I asked my mom about it since it was around when she got married in the 60’s. Both parents are decendents of Irish immigrants and lives in nyc. They were not wealthy by any means She said it was a way to help the couple start out. The brides family would scrimp and save and instead of just handing the money over without a reception they would throw an elegant party. The friends and family would “cover the plate” so the bride and groom would essentially get that money back. Then the next person would do the same for another close friend or family member.

Granted weddings were cheaper My mom said hers was $25 pp and it was a multi course prime rib dinner.

She also said it was a way to socialize and go out for a fancy night. People didn’t have the money to eat out every week."​

I grew up all around NY state. And I had never heard the term, "Cover your plate," until I read it on the DIS. However, I am aware of the custom. Maybe it's that term that is so objectionable to most people who aren't from here. It does sound very cold & financial - lacking "heart" which many have said is where their gifts come from. That is NOT the intent of "Covering your plate."

Shoney's mom said it really well. Here in NY, north NJ, & parts of CT, we do "big weddings" according to others from other parts of the DIS. That has always been customary at mostly all the weddings I've been to and have catered in all 3 states. (Except for a couple of young, still in grad school couples, who were naturally on a very limited budget.) Our "big weddings" consist of a hors d'oeuvres while waiting for the bride & groom to appear, open bar (negotiable,) a full 3 course meal or buffet (with choice of one of 2 entrees,) the wedding cake, usually a band for dancing, not a DJ, done at a wedding hall, a tent or huge backyard with hired waiters for the latter two.

While most couples aren't spending the amount an overboard Bridezilla might, they do spend quite a bit. They want their family & friends to attend & celebrate with them. So YES, we do "big weddings" to include them and give them the full 9 yards.

In return, as most family & friends attending know how much the wedding costs probably run, they gladly give some of the money back if they have it, in the form of gifts or money. So the bride & groom don't go bankrupt having a huge wedding reception just to see everyone. Remember, in generations past, the bride & groom often didn't live together and already have much of the items being given. A nice 6-slice toaster oven or stand mixer would really be appreciated - because the couple wouldn't have been able to afford it since they paid for the "big wedding" to see everyone.

As Shoney's mom said, instead of being financially set back because of a "big wedding," it was a way to help the bride & groom back. It is an honor & privileged to be invited to someone's wedding, knowing they could have cut you out. (General) You don't have to attend. Notice on the R.S.V.P.s there's no section to give a reason as to why you are NOT attending. REAL family and friends want help out in return if they have the funds to do so.

I think some people are confusing or conjoining Bridezillas with the "cover your plate" concept, thinking a Bridezilla & groom would be eyeing each plate with a tit-for-tat attitude. Sure, there are some people like that. Yet, they are out there in all parts of the country. That has not been the case for the "big weddings" I go to. (Don't know enough about the ones I was at catering.) But, MY friends don't do that. Do YOURS??? (General yours - that is.) They wouldn't be my friends for long if they are like that. Especially if they know our mutual friend Susie recently lost her job due to downsizing, yet they STILL expected a gift to cover her plate. If they were that way, that's a values problem, a superficiality, and having a lack of compassion & understanding for Susie, and I'd be seriously re-thinking about them as friends - because they'd do it to me too, when I'm down on my luck.

The parties & receptions I've been to where a Susie had lost her job, the bride & groom would fold her in a big hug, say how glad they were that she came, instead of staying home depressed. They'd hope she can forget about her troubles for the day, celebrating with them, get some more hugs from fellow friends, maybe get in some dancing and have a piece of the to-die-for wedding cake that can make anyone forget their troubles for a little bit. If they seriously think the $14.99 Sterling silver gravy ladle that she had specially monogrammed with their initials as less than, because they spent $47 on her plate, sooooooo not friends of hers. And good riddance to them. Susie deserves BETTER.


I'm tired of DISers bashing our metro-NY/NJ/CT "big weddings." I think many of you have watched the "big wedding" in The Godfather, too many times, and that Corleone, Long Island mafia wedding image is stuck in your head as to what OUR big weddings are like - with someone keeping score. "We do a little for you. . . Later, you do a little for us in return." NOT! [/QUOT

TL;DR all of it....
My questions weren't really answered other than it is a 'guideline' and very old (60s?) financing of a wedding. Anything else seemed an attempt at lack of common courtesy.
It is not clear of what cover your plate is vs putting a down payment on a house.
It is the expectation that is the big question.

And, yes, we have BIG weddings but pay for our own, do not expect others to gift to cover the costs.
We pay for our own and do not have a wedding we can't pay for up front.
Everyone lives differently; is this how it is done for every party etc.?
Funny, IMO.

 

[mjkacmom]

You are rude. I’m wondering where you live and how big your weddings are? I don’t know a single person that didn’t pay for their wedding outright, the Irish immigrant history went back 100 years ago when our ancestors came to this country, poor and mistreated.

 

[Imzadi]

You are rude. I’m wondering where you live and how big your weddings are? I don’t know a single person that didn’t pay for their wedding outright, the Irish immigrant history went back 100 years ago when our ancestors came to this country, poor and mistreated.

Meh, it has been explained to her 3 times now, and about 5 different posts by different posters, not even addressing her, talked about how there is no "expectation," any more than people who love each other dearly and exchange big Christmas presents to each other have nefarious "expectations." So, it's become clear she is purposely NOT going to "get it" and use her constant misunderstanding to be rude.

The poster you were addressing probably thinks we are going to stay on some hamster wheel to try to keep explaining it to her. . so she can continue to be rude in her not understanding. Nope. "Move along. These aren't the droids you are looking for."

(I hope I did explain it well enough to people who genuinely want to understand the concept & intent. And it's not just Irish immigrants. Italian Catholics also had huge families. When I first met my ex-roommate's Italian family at a holiday gathering, it really was like the whole Godfather cast (minus Don Corleone,) had stepped out of the movie. Basically, as Shoney's mom stated, these celebrations are excuses/reasons for the whole family to get together at once. And in some ways, the money gets passed back & forth to each other. THIS bride & groom will be attending some other family member's wedding in a couple years, when they are more financially stable, and they will will be giving a gift (covering their plate,) to help out that new bride & groom. But it's NOT an expectation, especially if they don't have it. )