Co-workers wedding wwyd

[kirstenb1]

I have been going to weddings from one end of this country to the other for 50+ years. I grew up in Arkansas where weddings receptions were punch and cake in the church basement and a perfectly acceptable gift might be matching dish towels and potholders.

But I went to fairly expensive schools (Tulane and Stanford) with friends from all over the country. Many of my friends were debutantes who were from wealthy families who had fancy weddings at elite country clubs.

But I had never heard of the "cover your plate" rule until I read it here on the DIS.

Years ago I gave my roommate a place setting of her sterling silver for a wedding present. I was maid of honor in her wedding and did not have to buy a dress as we borrowed them from another friend who had married earlier so I spent more on the present. She was a debutante from a prominent family who had a very classy and expensive wedding. She was dumbfounded that I gave her such a nice present.

So I am so not used to brides who have "expectations".

Do what you WANT to do. It will be okay.

A place setting of sterling is a very generous gift! Many years ago I worked in china/crystal in a Southern department store. Frankly a place setting of china was always a generous gift, or a couple stems of crystal, but sterling really was!! I too hadn't heard of cover your plate before the DIS, but I'm a big advocate of adhering to local customs. If we ever move up north, I"ll observe that tradition.

 

[okeydokey]

A place setting of sterling is a very generous gift! Many years ago I worked in china/crystal in a Southern department store. Frankly a place setting of china was always a generous gift, or a couple stems of crystal, but sterling really was!! I too hadn't heard of cover your plate before the DIS, but I'm a big advocate of adhering to local customs. If we ever move up north, I"ll observe that tradition.

It’s not really everywhere up North. I grew up in the Boston area and it is not a thing with anyone I know here, or in NH. And I have a big extended family, lots of college friends and have attended dozens of weddings.

 

[BLAZEY]

I would attend wedding A of my work close friend of 10 +years, and send my regrets to wedding B. No way would I travel out of town and pay for a hotel for someone I've only know for 8 months.

 

[Disney Doll]

Only if "tradition" = DISboards. Honestly, I never heard of "covering your plate" until I read about it on these boards.

I love weddings. I go to as many as I can afford to attend (to which I'm invited, of course). I give gifts based on my relationship with the couple, not on their wants/needs or the cost/size of the party, and on what my budget can afford. I get that where you work is a small office, but if the brides decide to compare gifts (and my guess is that it'd be bridezilla who brings it up), oh well. If she wants to be insulted, so be it. I personally would be insulted that she chose to discuss the monetary value of my gift- now THAT's tacky and rude!

Actually in my area of the country the cover your plate thing is a guideline for thos who wish to use it as such and it’s fairly well known.

The word Tradition makes it sound as if everyone thinks that your wedding envelope is opened at the door and you’re not allowed entry unless the cost of the plate is covered. That’s not the case. And obviously if the couple chooses an exceptionally expensive venue, most people will not be able to cover their plate. And of course, relationships dictate gifts as well. I’m certainly going to give my beloved nieces and nephews more of a gift than I would the child of a friend.

You guys get so balled up about something that is really a guideline in some areas of the country. If it’s not a guideline in your area of the country, then what do you care? Cake and punch receptions aren’t typical in my area. I know they’re common in other areas. You don’t see me getting all balled up when someone posts about their cake and punch reception. If it works for you, that’s great. Enjoy it!

OP, in your case I’d probably give more to the person I’d been friends with longer. Or give the same amount of $ and try to find something personal or reflecting our relationship to add to my longer term friend’s gift. Like if I knew she likes to wear brooches I’d try to find a lovely antique brooch, or something like that. If she's a wine person, get her an unusual bottle of wine or one from a local vineyard. You get the idea.

 

[Disney Doll]

I have been going to weddings from one end of this country to the other for 50+ years. I grew up in Arkansas where weddings receptions were punch and cake in the church basement and a perfectly acceptable gift might be matching dish towels and potholders.

But I went to fairly expensive schools (Tulane and Stanford) with friends from all over the country. Many of my friends were debutantes who were from wealthy families who had fancy weddings at elite country clubs.

But I had never heard of the "cover your plate" rule until I read it here on the DIS.

Years ago I gave my roommate a place setting of her sterling silver for a wedding present. I was maid of honor in her wedding and did not have to buy a dress as we borrowed them from another friend who had married earlier so I spent more on the present. She was a debutante from a prominent family who had a very classy and expensive wedding. She was dumbfounded that I gave her such a nice present.

So I am so not used to brides who have "expectations".

Do what you WANT to do. It will be okay.

And without knowing it, giving someone a sterling place years ago setting probably covered your plate.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I would give more to co-worker A, who I considered a friend. I might attend co-worker B's wedding if it was local, but I would not travel, pay for a hotel, etc., for it.

 

[MrsPete]

The cost of the wedding is the bride's choice.
The gift you give is your choice.
The two are not related, and the cover-your-plate thing is just plain silly.

Only if "tradition" = DISboards. Honestly, I never heard of "covering your plate" until I read about it on these boards.

My Southern impression: When I was a child, this was not "a thing" at all. It seems to have been bantered about since maybe the 80s, but it's never really taken hold here; rather, people tend to say what I said in the above post -- give or don't give based upon the relationship, not the event to which you're invited.

Probably a dumb question, but how do guest knows how much a plate in a wedding costs?

If you're invited to a wedding in your general vicinity, you probably know whether a place is expensive or not. If your invitation says "Punch and cake in the church basement", you know it's a budget wedding (and I don't say that as an insult); whereas, if it says "Dinner and dancing to follow", and the location is an old plantation house, you know it's a spendy event.

 

[mjkacmom]

It’s not really everywhere up North. I grew up in the Boston area and it is not a thing with anyone I know here, or in NH. And I have a big extended family, lots of college friends and have attended dozens of weddings.

It’s more NYC metropolitan area, not New England. It’s a small pocket of the country.

 

[ronandannette]

It would be classless of them to compare their gifts from you, but I would give the same thing to both just in case.

And if they did compare, the only reasonable conclusion they could draw would be that the OP is closer to, and values the relationship of Coworker A over Coworker B, which is the truth and entirely logical. I'd have no problem with them comparing, if it were me.

 

[ronandannette]

I'm in agreement that your gift should be based on your relationship to the couple, not on how much the wedding is costing them. I know "tradition" says your gift should at least cover your plate as rule of thumb, but in actuality you are just giving a gift to the couple - not reimbursing them for your food expenses. Give what you feel is appropriate for your relationship with each.

That's not a tradition, it's apparently an expectation localized to certain areas and it seems totally bizarre to the rest of us.

 

[Anastasi]

Cover your plate has been a thing here for decades. Plus, you try to keep it even, if possible, my mom wrote down what family gave me, as did her mother, I don’t know if it’s an Irish thing or a regional thing (I’m thinking region, as this was the norm for my Italian friends).

I also think it would be the ultimate tackiness if the brides found out what you gave each of them. In light of the above post, you do need to keep it in mind that it might happen. It seems there are actually people out there tacky enough to keep score by keeping lists of who gives what.

 

[AppleDumpling]

That's not a tradition, it's apparently an expectation localized to certain areas and it seems totally bizarre to the rest of us.

I’m sure there are lots of things that are customary in one region that might seem bizarre to someone from a different region. Doesn’t mean it’s necessarily wrong or tacky. As others have said, in the NYC metro area (and maybe other places as well, Idk) the notion of covering your plate is commonly used as a guideline, not a hard and fast rule. It’s nothing new. Of course you don’t know exactly what the cost per plate is, but you have a general idea. And the overwhelming majority of wedding gifts here are cash. Tangible gifts such as toasters, dishes, linens and other household items are typically given as bridal shower gifts.

Let’s be clear, you are under no obligation to give any more than you can comfortably afford. You still consider your relationship with the couple and give an appropriate amount based on what you feel is right for you. (And naturally the wedding should be in keeping with what the couple can afford, not put them into debt.)

OP, here’s how I’d handle it. Ask yourself what you’d give your long term friend if there were no wedding the following week. Then do the reverse for “co-worker B”. In other words, consider each a separate event, independent of each other, which they are. Don’t stress over it; just go with your gut.

Perhaps you give more to co-worker A because of your closer relationship. Perhaps you factor in the formality of the affair. To be honest, I’m guessing that coworker A, who’s having a casual affair for a second marriage, is probably expecting modest gifts. But it’s ultimately up to you, what you feel is appropriate and how generous you wish to be. I would not worry about the two brides comparing notes afterwards. If they did, IMO, it reflects poorly on them, not you.

 

[mjkacmom]

I also think it would be the ultimate tackiness if the brides found out what you gave each of them. In light of the above post, you do need to keep it in mind that it might happen. It seems there are actually people out there tacky enough to keep score by keeping lists of who gives what.

I can’t imagine people would tell coworkers or friends gift amounts. The only ones here who one would tell is their parents, because they wouldn’t want to give less to nieces or nephews. In this area, and I assume everywhere, money matters are private, salaries, home sales, car purchases, just never discussed.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I wouldn't compare the two. I'd consider them individually.

But what I might do is for coworker A give a more personable gift. You've known them quite a bit longer, you see them outside of work even if only a few times per year due to schedules, and it's their second wedding. I only consider the second wedding aspect because I do get what a PP was talking about in terms of what they may need. It's unlikely, though still possible, that they need stuff you might see from Bed, Bath and Beyond (like eating sets, utensils, other knick knack stuff). There may be more intrinsic value in this gift rather than financial 'making sure to spend the same amount as the other wedding' value.

Coworker B may or may not need more the stuff you might see from Bed, Bath and Beyond but that may be more likely than coworker A. I suppose picking up on any talk that might have been had about stuff they may need over time could have an impact, if they have a wedding registry would help too. I would opt for a more generic gift if they don't have a registry.

The actual aspects of the wedding (speaking towards dj talk, flower talk, roaming painter, ice sculptures, etc) do not have an impact on what I would personally choose as a gift.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can’t imagine people would tell coworkers or friends gift amounts. The only ones here who one would tell is their parents, because they wouldn’t want to give less to nieces or nephews. In this area, and I assume everywhere, money matters are private, salaries, home sales, car purchases, just never discussed.

While that is a nice thought.... this is not what I would automatically expect.
Not at all.
And, if we want to talk about differences in regions. I can think of one region of the country where it would be more than likely that financial numbers be 'thrown around'.
Whether to brad, judge, one-up, etc...

 

[mjkacmom]

Makes sense, but the thing is that people come up with exact numbers ($25 per plate, $250 per plate, etc) It's always very specific

Maybe in the backwards place where you live...

 

[mjkacmom]

While that is a nice thought.... this is not what I would automatically expect.
Not at all.
And, if we want to talk about differences in regions. I can think of one region of the country where it would be more than likely that financial numbers be 'thrown around'.
Whether to brad, judge, one-up, etc...

well, it’s certainly not mine.

 

[Feralpeg]

I would never give a gift based on the amount being spent by the couple. Gifts should come from the heart based on how you feel about the person. Sorry, I just don't go along with the idea of covering the plate. How much a couple decides to spend is their issue. It should not put a requirement on the guests.

 

[moon]

Maybe in the backwards place where you live...

That was really rude. It doesn't happen where I live, it's what I read here on the Dis

 

[shoney]

Cover your plate in the nyc area was around in the 60’s when my parents were married and prob well before that. Just used as a guide.

Same idea with children’s parties. They run around $20 to $25 a head and that is what the standard gift tends to be.

And we kept “the list” of gift amounts And my MIL did refer to it for future weddings lol. We were married in 1992.