Children of Hoarders Support and Steam-Venting

[EMom]

I've told this gem before, but it's worth repeating.

Several years ago, I was visiting MIL's home and I got sick. Nausea, migraine headache. I was in DH's old bedroom, laying on the bed, trying my best not to barf and as miserable as could be. I hear MIL offer up a (Phenergan?) suppository to help with my nausea. Immediately my alarm bells went off, knowing her history of hoarding. Thankfully, so did DH's and all his siblings' because this is what I heard from their end of the house:

Sane ones: How old are those things?

MIL: They're still good. They've been in the fridge the whole time.

Sane ones: That doesn't answer the question. Let me see the bottle.

MIL: They're fine.

Sane ones: I said let me see the bottle. My God! How old ARE these things?!? Are you trying to kill her?

Me: DH, Can you come here?
Uhhhh....Just how old are those suppositories?

DH: They were from 19XX. (This was just before I was born.)

Me: There's no way in hell I am putting anything up my butt that is older than I am, I don't care how sick I am. She IS trying to kill me.

DH: Don't worry. My brother threw them away.

Me: Yeah...But you know she'll just dig them out of the trash and put them right back in that fridge.

At this point, I was probably 30 years old and so were those suppositories.

 

[mamacatnv]

My Mother is a hoarder to the point it eventually got her evicted from her Senior Apt. complex. She is schizophrenic (went undiagnosed until I got the Guardianship) and has issues with OCD as well as now she has severe dementia. When she was evicted I was finally able to get legal guardianship, she was suffering from malnutrition as well as being filthy. She had "friends" that took her to church every week and then usually for a meal. I think this was the one decent meal she ate a week, the rest of the time it was all dried nibbly cereals, crackers etc. Her Apt. was full of canned goods, she had a full size freezer that was full in the living room and another buried in the back bedroom. Lack of food was not her issue.

Her Apt. was 1200 sq. ft. there was a walkway from the front door to the kitchen that was exactly 12" wide (I measured) her stuff reached the ceiling in each and every room. The 2nd bedroom could not be entered at all. Her bed was 5' off the ground and she used stacked boxes to reach it. It was surrounded by boxes, bags etc. The kitchen was unusable, the stove was buried as were all the counters. There were boxes piled up in front of all cabinets and then the cabinets were full. The fridge was accessible but so full of rotten food it was unusable.

She saved all the usual stuff; empty toilet paper rolls, papers, books, boxes, jars, cans, clothing, hygiene items etc. the "usual" hoarder things.

The strange stuff...........She saved her hair. There was a stack of paper towels that were clothes pinned together in 1" increments each layer had pieces of her hair, she was saving it, it was "special". Everything was special. The shower was completely full of puzzles, she was obsessed with puzzles-1000's of boxes of puzzles. She saved empty food containers and boxes. We found 100's of cereal boxes that looked brand new, they were taped shut and had the original plastic liner (cleaned, dried and put back) inside. Almost every item was in multiple layers ie....the box was wrapped in plastic and then secured closed with either tape or a rubber band. Everything was clean, it was weird. She had closets full of clothes and yet always wore the same thing. We found bags of shredded paper. She would sit and cut the newspaper colored ads in shreds - the pieces were almost always identical in size and we found hundreds of bags of different size clippings.

I along with a team of 6-10 adults from her church spent 5 days trying to clean it out - we dumped, donated etc. Eventually I walked away and let the management company that evicted her deal with it. They sent her a bill for almost 10K in additional disposal costs. She is in a care facility I told them to stuff their bill! I could have made a fortune if I had lived there and had been able to sell it.

On top of the apt. I learned she had 4 - 10 x 30 storage units (I knew avout 1) that were top to bottom, and we know there is stuff in peoples garages all over the place.

Never found anything personal, no pictures etc. I really wanted to find my brother and I's babybooks. Never did.
Out of all that chaos I came home with less than a shoebox full of things.

It's sad but it is a mental illness and the family usually cannot "fix" the person. So talk about it, laugh about it (we do) and then go home and clean out your closets (I did) and vow to never do that to you children

 

[almburr]

My mother, If something is on clearance she buys all of them. It could be anything. One time it was wal-mart hair siscors she bought 10pairs.

 

[almburr]

I on the other habd can toss stuff with ease. I keep some of my kids art work it takes center on the fridge, most go in the trash few are kept. My kids know I love thier work., but know you cant keep evey piece of paper from k-12.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I had no idea there were so many of us!



I am in shock. It is so heart-warming to see the same pattern with my mom in others. I believe she must feel physical pain to throw away something, too. Her tears were real and she was truly in a panic.

My grandmother had it, too. She also had the same issue with not allowing in any service people to fix the house.


Oh, and to the one poster who mentioned their parent always buying stuff so they can learn, or do or make something...mine too! She has a storage room behind the garage that is full of quilt material. One day, ONE DAY, she says she's going to start making quilts. The funny thing is that when I was little, she did make quilts. Beautiful hand-stitched quilts. One at a time, for a specific person or event.

But I think with the material she has now, she'd have to be sewing for 100 years to use half of what she bought. She has the makings for baby quilts for babys who are now parents.

 

[Aisling]

Not my mom, but a very close loved one is a hoarder. He's an insulin-dependent diabetic who saves his disposable syringes. He doesn't re-use them, but they're all over the place. He saves the cardboard from bakery cakes "to sketch on them" even tho he doesn't sketch and has piles of unused sketch pads. He can't stand to throw away newspapers because he says he might need the paper for something. There are piles of newspapers and magazines everywhere, and not even neatly stacked, just tossed. He's also a book hoarder. If he sees a book in someone else's trash, he'll take it, even tho he'll never read it. He has literally thousands of books taking up every inch of floor space and table space.

He refuses to believe, or sincerely doesn't realize, that he has a problem. He gets nervous when I ask him to let me straighten up. Whenever I go there, I always bring a big handbag and take some of the stuff to throw away. I used to feel guilty about doing this, but now I don't. Some hoarders know where everything is, and they know when something's missing, but he has so much mess, he doesn't suspect a thing as piles of stuff disappear. It's sad. He just doesn't care about the horrible condition of his personal space. The one good thing is that he keeps himself very clean, won't wear dirty clothes, showers every day. By looking at him, you'd never know he lives like that.

 

[Diznotyzed]

He can't stand to throw away newspapers because he says he might need the paper for something.

My mom saves newspapers and says she plans to donate them back to the original publisher for their archives, like they need her to be their curator or something.

 

[SCHBR'smom]

I guess my mom isn't that bad. She does throw away trash, newspapers, toilet paper rolls, etc. She just has so much stuff. She keeps all of her teaching stuff just in case she teaches a different grade again. She builds doll houses, so the houses and furniture for them are everywhere. All my dads radio equipment, old toys, tons of books, wrapping paper (which she forgets she has and buys more), and I don't know what else. It's just a mess, but sounds like it could be worse.
I do dread the day I'll eventually have to sort through it all. She's talking about moving closer to us one day, so I also dread helping her move.

 

[minkydog]

My mom saves newspapers and says she plans to donate them back to the original publisher for their archives, like they need her to be their curator or something.

 

[MoniqueU]

My mom lives with us so it is confined to her space. If we throw something out she digs through the trash. The newspaper thing is big for her, I talked her out of getting daily delivery.She has left just enough room for one of the dogs in her room.

 

[dolcezena]

Come to think of it, my mom is not currently a hoarder - although she may become one!

Right now she's just a shopping addict. Buys stuff (clothes, accessories, shoes), without trying it on, or thinking about whether or not she needs it. On the positive side....guess who gets the stuff she changes her mind about? Seriously, whenever she visits ('bout every 6 weeks) I get a huge garbage full of stuff!

 

[minkydog]

I do dread the day I'll eventually have to sort through it all. She's talking about moving closer to us one day, so I also dread helping her move.

You have my complete sympathy. My mother refuses to do anything with my step-dad's stuff even though he passed away 6 years ago. He left behind his vast(>300) plastic model airplane collection. He told her ONE of them was worth over $5000! and of course, if *he* said it, it must be true. Unfortunately, she is so paralyzed by fear of doing the wrong thing, she refuses to do anything. and she won't let anyone catalogue the collection either!

A couple years ago, we(my sisters & me) were sitting around the kitchen with Mother and she was telling us what stuff she was leaving to us( side note--her furniture is a collection of cheap pressed wood from the 1950s). I made the remark that I hoped she didn't think I was waiting around to get her stuff, because I have enough of my own stuff and I don't want hers. She got her feelings hurt and said that I would not receive anything, not even a pin. Don't care. We've already told her that when she goes we're going to have the Salvation Army back a truck up to the house and unload it all.

 

[Chim Chiminy]

Whoever said that their mom will clean out the clearance rack of items, my mom does that.
She will joke that the employees at Target hate to see her come in.

One year, she cleaned out a dept. store of clearanced Marvin's Magician Magic Sets. Then a few years later, gave them as Christmas gifts. One to my 28 year old brother and one to my 14 year old son. Not what you are expecting......gifts are never what you would expect.

This year, everyone got a copy of a book called the Kitty Kama Sutra.

The items are always useless and a huge waste of money, she just doesn't see it that way.

She also still has all the furniture and clothing from both sets of grandparents.
Her mom passed in 2003, and my dad's in 1997!!! She has disbursed a few items to us, but it is junk and we don't want it.
When I told her I was selling the red metal little kids bed, she brokedown and forbade it. My son is 15 for goodness sake, he can't use it nor does he want it.

It is going to be such a mess when they pass, I dread it.

 

[robinb]

I swear ... when my mother dies I will have to rent one of those giant dumpsters and a back hoe. Every. Single. Room. Is filled with crap. Some of it all the way up to the ceiling. Her refrigerator and dryer both quit working in 2008 but she won't have workmen in her house to replace them. There is no way she could even clear a path to the dryer to have it hauled out. PLUS to replace those items they would have to be the most PERFECT clothes dryer and refrigerator on the planet. After using a COOLER for most of last year instead of a fridge (she spent a FORTUNE in ice!) she actually went shopping for a fridge a couple of times but she never found the PERFECT one. When she found one that "would do" she didn't want to buy it because she was always waiting for a better sale.

I really think the clutter is a symptom of her perfectionism. If she can't do things PERFECTLY she won't do them at all. *sigh*

I admit that I struggle with some of the same issues and I am fluttering along on FlyLady. That really helps A LOT. I don't feel overwhelmed by what needs to be done and my house looks a bit cluttered but clean. I actually had a neighbor in my house today and I wasn't too embarrassed!

 

[Chereya]

Wow, I never realized so many DISers were having the same Mom problems as me! So many of your posts describe my Mom. She was always messy when I was a kid and had piles of papers but after she got divorced it got progressively worse. She lives in Hawaii and I live in Wisconsin now and I hadn't been in her apartment in years. I visited for about 15 minutes on our last visit to Hawaii and I was just so shocked that I had to take pictures of the place! I'll have to put the pictures up so you all can commiserate with me. I felt so bad for my kids - she had taken them to her apartment trying to get them to nap the day before. She told me she was cleaning up so they could come over! It didn't look like she had cleaned at all! It was awful. During the day I was there, my 3 year old told me that it smelled bad and he wanted to leave.

She also keeps buying all kinds of stuff! Always more stuff and she mails me unwanted stuff that just aggravates me! Her credit is completely shot because she doesn't pay her bills. The only time she pays utility bills is when they threaten to shut her off. My husband and I have discussed how all her crap is going to be our problem one day. She hasn't had a working refrigerator in 2-3 years because the hinges broke and she doesn't want anybody in her apartment so she hasn't reported it to the landlord. I can't believe nobody has busted down the door from the weird smell. I don't think she ever opens the windows so it's musty and I dunno what else is making it smell weird in there. The ironic thing is, when she comes to my house to visit during the cold months, she complains that the air is stale and wants me to open up the windows to air out the house!

She also has a storage unit that I have no idea what's in it.

I love my Mom but she really burns me up sometimes. Thank goodness I live far away so I can pretend her hoarding doesn't exist!

 

[Shugardrawers]

"But Sissy, somebody might want this, it's perfectly fine if they (can fix/need one that's 20 years old/blah blah blah) "Momma, one man's trash ISN'T ALWAYS another man's treasure. Sometimes, it's just plain crap!"

Then, as she puts it in the thrift store pile, I wait until she's not looking and put it in the dumpster Nobody else wants your trash either mama

 

[robinb]

Then, as she puts it in the thrift store pile, I wait until she's not looking and put it in the dumpster Nobody else wants your trash either mama

At least your mother has a thrift store pile!

Mine also buys all kinds of things and she once had a serious eBay habit with a BUYER feedback of 715! She has boxes of Beanie Babies in the basement that she bought as "Your niece's college fund". Oh, how I wish she had just put that $6-$20 per pop into a bank account! At least we would have something other than a ton of Beanie Babies which all REEK of cigarette smoke (my step-father is a chain smoker).

 

[cteddiesgirl]

My mom saves newspapers and says she plans to donate them back to the original publisher for their archives, like they need her to be their curator or something.

At least my dad saves all newspapers and magazine and then donates to a local church or school so they can sell to recycling for the proceeds. It's just that all the newspapers gets stacked around the stove.

I looked in the bathroom closet today and said that I need to clean that thing out. There meds and other stuff from the '70's in there that my dad won't get rid of. "It's still good" he says. Uh...No.

I have to clean out the pantry every now and then when he's not home and the next day is trash day. There's stuff that's outdated (and some opened) by more than a year. If I get rid of too much at a time, he starts yelling at me because I'm "wasting money".
me: "No dad. You wasted the money when you bought crap that neither of us will eat. If I'd been able to get to it before it expired, I could have given it away to those that need food. Now it's just garbage."
dad: *grumble, grumble*
I swear. There is a gallon can of olive oil that has been sitting there that my mom bought. She died 9 years ago. But I can't get rid of it.

 

[MushyMushy]

Just wondering if any of you also struggle with cleaning issues because of growing up with that?

I'm so embarrassed because my house is a mess all the time -- not dirty, but just stuff everywhere (though my closets and drawers are empty and sparkling clean ). I don't hoard, but I just never know where to start to clean! I was never really taught any of that growing up. It's not that I don't *know* how now, it's just I get overwhelmed by it inside. My son isn't like that, but my daughter is picking it up. I know I need to make changes, but ugh! It's hard.

I remember making a post a couple of years ago because I was upset and didn't know how I'd manage the house when I started student teaching full time. A couple of people got really sarcastic with me like I was an idiot and I remember thinking how wonderful it would be for these things to come easily! I'm a smart and fairly capable person, but when it comes to this house, I'm a blithering idiot.

 

[perdidobay]

WOW! Hugs to all of you who are dealing with this. I can't even imagine in my mind what some of these homes look like. Do you have any pics you mind sharing?