Child related Vent...

[roxysmum123]

I need a Disney Trip....

You do indeed!

What about having him "earn" things? You know, like "you want that Ipod, well minimum wage here is $xx/hr, so you'll have to help out around the house or volunteer for xx hours". You'll obviously have to follow through, and start with small goals like a video game or night at the movies with his friends, but that's a tactic that worked with my friends son who has ODD. It helped give him something to accomplish, rather than just be "the bad kid everyone expects me to be anyways" (his words).

 

[Wishing on a star]

Again, OP....

Your last post is even more telling....

The fact that it is 'family' just simply, neurologically, may not mean anything to him. (not like it does to me and you)
The fact that he is not stealing to meet any immediate need also says a LOT.

It almost is beginning to sound like there is an aspect of hoarding involved.

Hoarding, stealing, a lack of a normal respect for others, and a lack of understanding re: 'family'.... These are all known hallmarks of a child who had a traumatic disruption in their development with family, loved ones, caregivers, etc... This is VERY common with children who grew up in a troubled situation without a constant and dependable caregiver... (mother, grandmother, whomever). These things are very common with children who were 'institutionalized'... orphanage, foster care, etc... at a crucial young age.

They may also not have developed a good sense and understanding of personal property ownership, personal boundaries, etc....

To me, in your posts... all of this jumps right out at me.

It must really hurt so bad to not understand this, and to feel that in some way all of this is because of you, or directed at you, personally...

Like you said, it almost wouldn't matter if he actually blatantly stole from stores, etc... but it is 'family'.....

As one poster above has stated. It is possible that with many kids like this, the regular, normal, and most trusted approaches, that are used and recommended for most families, are just not what will be effective.

If the issues that I am concerned about are indeed involved here. Know that a teen like this may simply not have a normal understanding of what family is. They may not have the ability to have normal cohesive 'family' relationships. The word 'family' is the key.

If you, in the very least, might consider this type of issue to be the problem... and if you live in an area where you might find a real specialist in this type of thing with adopted/institutionalized/foster children... (might not be easy to find) I would very highly suggest that you seek their information and guidance.

Again, I am an outsider. I do not know you and your family personally at all. I am not an expert. Just have enough knowledge to be dangerous... And I am NOT advising any drastic action right away. I know that you love your foster child beyond words!!!! I can see that love, and your pain and concern in your posts! I am just offering some of my insight and information. I am just stating that, in some cases, a regular family home is not always the best and most appropriate place to provide what troubled children and teens like this really need. I am just offering information and suggesting that you dig deeper, in a slightly different direction.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Sending you support.....

 

[pigletgirl]

A few thoughts here -- DH has a younger brother who is 17, who is adopted with stuggles similar to yours OP. He is Bi-Polar with RAD and learning disabilities and is on meds.

1. Has he had a full psychiatric work up? I know you mentioned ADD and ODD, but do you think the ODD could be mistaken for RAD (reactive attachment disorder?)

2. How does he relate to others? How do his teammates view him? Does he have a pretty regular social life outside of team sports?

From what I've learned, sometimes the family gets the worst of the behavior especially the mother. Kids with RAD cannot "attach" themselves to the family and home environment. They constantly have theiir guard up due to unpredicability in their lives. Now that you have given that to him, it is scary and unknown. His was of stealing is protecting that little bit of "freedom" (lack of a better word) he once had.

I think there could be many many different things going on and the earlier you figure it out the better, so he doesn't become involved criminally with the courts. (We have already been there! The courts didn't know what to do with him, they're overcrowded and the best thing is to KEEP HIM OUT! )

Major to you OP! My brother in law is now out of the home and being treated at an inpatient facility. It took many many years of confusion, exhaustion, and stress to finally sort of put the pieces together. Will he ever be able to move home? We don't know at this point and most likely probably not.

 

[tpettie]

A few thoughts here -- DH has a younger brother who is 17, who is adopted with stuggles similar to yours OP. He is Bi-Polar with RAD and learning disabilities and is on meds.

1. Has he had a full psychiatric work up? I know you mentioned ADD and ODD, but do you think the ODD could be mistaken for RAD (reactive attachment disorder?)

2. How does he relate to others? How do his teammates view him? Does he have a pretty regular social life outside of team sports?

From what I've learned, sometimes the family gets the worst of the behavior especially the mother. Kids with RAD cannot "attach" themselves to the family and home environment. They constantly have theiir guard up due to unpredicability in their lives. Now that you have given that to him, it is scary and unknown. His was of stealing is protecting that little bit of "freedom" (lack of a better word) he once had.

I think there could be many many different things going on and the earlier you figure it out the better, so he doesn't become involved criminally with the courts. (We have already been there! The courts didn't know what to do with him, they're overcrowded and the best thing is to KEEP HIM OUT! )

Major to you OP! My brother in law is now out of the home and being treated at an inpatient facility. It took many many years of confusion, exhaustion, and stress to finally sort of put the pieces together. Will he ever be able to move home? We don't know at this point and most likely probably not.

We are dealing with RAD, PTSD, ADD, Non Specific Depression, ODD, OCD.... I do know the reasons behind what it happening but I'm just in the frustrated place that after 4 years of therapy, group programs, one on one bonding... I'm wondering when all this time, tears, and work will make a difference....

That being said we had a a team meeting today and they are looking at what kind of training we can take in relation to this...

Thank you all for the ideas, and support it has given me some new ideas to think through and just a good vent is therapeutic too...

 

[cornflake]

We are dealing with RAD, PTSD, ADD, Non Specific Depression, ODD, OCD.... I do know the reasons behind what it happening but I'm just in the frustrated place that after 4 years of therapy, group programs, one on one bonding... I'm wondering when all this time, tears, and work will make a difference....

That being said we had a a team meeting today and they are looking at what kind of training we can take in relation to this...

Thank you all for the ideas, and support it has given me some new ideas to think through and just a good vent is therapeutic too...

It may not.

Obviously, everyone hopes it will and perhaps it will - I'm not at all suggesting you stop trying or anything. You kind of have to give him all the tools possible to be able to do something about this.

However, I think maybe it may help you and your family to recognize that it may not make a difference. That you can do every single thing right, get him all the help possible, try everything and he may not change. That's not what you'd want, but that doesn't mean you can't care about him anyway, you know?

Like with an addict - at some point, the people closest to them have to let it go and say 'the choice is on you; we're happy to help, we've tried and tried, love you to pieces but will not torture ourselves over your continued choice to do this to yourself.' It's still bad, it's not that it makes it ok but there are some things in life that you cannot fix and sometimes some level of acceptance (not allowance, doesn't mean you let him steal or unlock things or stop bag checks, just that maybe you come to do it with less of a churning gut and more of a wry sigh) can free YOU, if not them.