Child related Vent...

[tpettie]

I have been a foster parent for 9 years... I have had this young man placed with me when he was 8yrs old he lived with his grandma and she couldn't manage his behaviour so he came into care... He stubbled at that time with ADD and un diagnosed oppositional defiant... He is now 15 and I don't know how to cope with the cronic stealing

He is stealing us blind... I have every room in my home locked except his and his sisters room and the bathrooms... it is anything from pens, tape to large ticket items like IPods , iPod headphone cell phone laptops...

Yesterday I found he had stolen my Nintendo DS we have along talk about why and he says because he is bored and has not money of his own to spend....

You have no money because your allowance can't cover the cost of all the your steal... You can't be bored your in Cadets 2 -3 nights a week , plays hockey, has a curfew of 6pm ... has street hockey equipment, bike, softball equipment...

So after a long talk and tears yesterday my DH does a bag check as he walks out the door for school and his has PS3 games in there with prices marked on them.. Check the shelf and yes at least 3 other games are missing.... again he did this last year about this time and stole 22 games in total from the house

I have done therapy... counselling, Attachment programs, meds, talking and more talking, for the pas 4 years

I just don't know what else to do.... Ok off now to do more paperwork thanks for the vent...

 

[Wishing on a star]

My first thought is that this is not a child vent.

This is a 15 year old teenager with some very real problems/issues.
Issues that may require more than you have already been giving and are able to give.

I imagine that there are alternative programs for teens like this.
Foster care is not always the most appropriate placement for teens.

I also know that in most all cases...
Teens that are stealing items to sell for money are doing it to finance things that they should not be doing. Just trying to put it nicely....

I know that you have known this young man for several years.
I know that there are tough decisions.

I just wonder if you and your family are prepared to effectively deal with the issues of a teenager like this. Tough measures may be required.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

Is he on medication for the ADD and other issues? Sounds like an impulse control issue if he's saying he's bored. Though I highly doubt he's bored, sounds like he's selling the stolen items at school for money for who knows what.

 

[TacoBaco]

Aww, best of luck to you tpettie. Kudos to you for hangin in there. I too have a very difficult 15 year old daughter. She use to play sports, was popular, and well liked by everyone including her teachers. Then one day one bad decision sent her world spiraling out of control. Multiple suspensions, now she's currently expelled, drugs, stealing, boys, sneaking out, breaking cerfew, etc. etc. etc.

I put her on probation (don't know what that’s like in Canada) but here in Ohio it was a JOKE! A HUGE WASTE OF MONEY AND TIME on my part, and now she has a record. This may work for some kids, but mine just thought it was a joke... We've done counseling for over two years, and she won't open up to anyone....

She has had to learn EVERY lesson in life the hard way. And all this started early, like 12 early,,, so its been a very long 2+ years. BUT, she is growing up, and learning, and has now decided that’s NOT the road she wants to head down and is trying very hard to change. Its been difficult for her because we live in a small town, and her “reputation” now follows her, and its been difficult for her to break away from.

Unfortunately I don’t have any words that can help, I think some kids push, and push and push… HOPING that everyone will give up on them, I know mine did… And the more I punished her or took things away, the less she cared, cause then she had nothing else to loose… It can be a fine line. But stay consistent, let him know your there for him, and that he’s worthy of being a good person, some kids don’t get that… Nobody wants them, so obviously they are just pieces of crap (that’s how they feel anyway). Just keep hammering into his head, that he doesn’t have to make these “bad” choices, that people do care about him, and that he is worthy of something more and something better. Hopefully something will finaly click as he continues to mature.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Take everything he values away & lock it up. EVERYTHING. When he asks, tell him you've stolen everything he owns & you need for him to understand how that feels. Tell him he'll get it all back in a month if he behaves but that he needs to understand what it's like to feel that kind of violation so he can perhaps refrain from doing it again.

 

[Erin1700]

Until you figure out what to do for the issue as a whole, he is not to use any sort of bag for his things. He carries his books, gym clothes, lunch, etc. Or get a clear back pack. He is to be searched every time he leaves the house.

The bigger issue as to why and what to do to make it stop for good, I would seek help from the foster care system. He may need to be placed in a home for troubled teens.

 

[DopeyDame]

Obviously this kid has had a rough and unsecure childhood and has some really deep-rooted issues. None of the typical parenting tips or advice will likely get you anywhere with him. Do you ahve a good relationship with his social worker? Are there some alternative settings that might help? (with you guys still being actively involved in his life)?
This is a hard road... I wish you tons of luck and hope and pray that you can get through to him and get him help before he ages out of the system.

 

[Shelly888]

You say he did this last year at this time...do you notice an increase around this time of year? Two thoughts popped into my mind. The first actually being allergies. I know it sounds weird and bizarre. There have been many, many studies done on children in foster care and also adults in the prison system, and many of them have actually been found to have allergies. There seems to be a strong correlation between the two.

My son had severe, horrid allergies as a child. I really researched and read up a lot on the topic. Being a nurse, I found it all interesting. One book that I read really stands out in my mind is called Is This Your CHild. It is a fantastic read. http://www.amazon.com/This-Your-Child-Doris-Rapp/dp/0688119077 I can you you besides the typical allergic reactions he had, he also could be a spaz until the allergen left his body.

My other thought is possibly some sort of bipolar...and the only reason I say that is because it corresponds with the timing of the season and the increase in sunlight. Just a thought. I could be totally off with both of them, but at least wanted to throw out the ideas.

 

[bumcat]

We have been fostering for 6 yrs. Two were recently adopted and now we have one teen left. He is a really good kid. He has been here for 4 yrs. now 18 and headed for college. He has a home here for as long as he needs. After that we are done due to my health issues.
Sadly some times no matter what you do nothing works. I had a teen like yours, he was here for 4 yrs and shared a room with my other teen but he was also violent and he chose to leave because he was tired of the rules. It's been two yrs and he still calls us. I know he regrets so much. Sadly, he has not changed. He was extremely impulsive and loved it when he could pull one over on us lol. He was good at that!
Okay if he is stealing things to sale maybe pay him for extra chores around the house. That is what we did and most of the stealing stopped. Once my kids reached a certain amount of money or had enough to buy what they wanted they no longer needed to steal.
One thing I did learn, you can not fix all of the kids no matter how much you talk to them and do everything else for them. Some learned to steal and survive at a very early age and it becomes habit, a real hard one to break.
My kids did simple chores for allowance money and then they could do extra chores for even more money. It teaches them to reach a goal.
Thanks to a 10 yr old that I had that loved money and buying things, I rarely had to clean my house lol.
Taking all their things away usually does not work. They are use to living with nothing and they just deal. Alot of the kids are very manipulative, they also learn that early. So sad all they have been through and seen in their early years.

 

[tpettie]

My first thought is that this is not a child vent.

This is a 15 year old teenager with some very real problems/issues.
Issues that may require more than you have already been giving and are able to give.

I imagine that there are alternative programs for teens like this.
Foster care is not always the most appropriate placement for teens.

I also know that in most all cases...
Teens that are stealing items to sell for money are doing it to finance things that they should not be doing. At this point I'm not thinking he is using the money for Drugs or such things just "stuff"... he has hoarding issues... Just trying to put it nicely....

I know that you have known this young man for several years.
I know that there are tough decisions.

I just wonder if you and your family are prepared to effectively deal with the issues of a teenager like this. That is what I'm trying to work through... I don't know if we can give him what he needs anymore... Tough measures may be required.

Is he on medication for the ADD and other issues? yes his meds are ADD meds a mood med and one for OCD as well...Sounds like an impulse control issue if he's saying he's bored. Though I highly doubt he's bored, sounds like he's selling the stolen items at school for money for who knows what.

Aww, best of luck to you tpettie. Kudos to you for hangin in there. I too have a very difficult 15 year old daughter. She use to play sports, was popular, and well liked by everyone including her teachers. Then one day one bad decision sent her world spiraling out of control. Multiple suspensions, now she's currently expelled, drugs, stealing, boys, sneaking out, breaking cerfew, etc. etc. etc. this made me cry as I too just had this stubble with my teen girl (Bio) I ended up pulling her out of school and homeschooling her last semester of grade 9...

I put her on probation (don't know what that’s like in Canada) but here in Ohio it was a JOKE! A HUGE WASTE OF MONEY AND TIME on my part, and now she has a record. This may work for some kids, but mine just thought it was a joke... We've done counseling for over two years, and she won't open up to anyone....

She has had to learn EVERY lesson in life the hard way. And all this started early, like 12 early,,, so its been a very long 2+ years. BUT, she is growing up, and learning, and has now decided that’s NOT the road she wants to head down and is trying very hard to change. Its been difficult for her because we live in a small town, and her “reputation” now follows her, and its been difficult for her to break away from.I can relate my daughter is now doing "ok" and I'm not so scared for her now but that was hard road and others don't forget so easliy

Unfortunately I don’t have any words that can help, I think some kids push, and push and push… HOPING that everyone will give up on them, I know mine did… And the more I punished her or took things away, the less she cared, cause then she had nothing else to loose… It can be a fine line. But stay consistent, let him know your there for him, and that he’s worthy of being a good person, some kids don’t get that… Nobody wants them, so obviously they are just pieces of crap (that’s how they feel anyway). Just keep hammering into his head, that he doesn’t have to make these “bad” choices, that people do care about him, and that he is worthy of something more and something better. Hopefully something will finaly click as he continues to mature.

Thank You keep that in my front brain

Take everything he values away & lock it up. EVERYTHING. When he asks, tell him you've stolen everything he owns & you need for him to understand how that feels. Tell him he'll get it all back in a month if he behaves but that he needs to understand what it's like to feel that kind of violation so he can perhaps refrain from doing it again.

Done that 3 times now and he has never gotten to the point to getting it back as he can't stop the stealing / taking....

Until you figure out what to do for the issue as a whole, he is not to use any sort of bag for his things. He carries his books, gym clothes, lunch, etc. Or get a clear back pack. He is to be searched every time he leaves the house.
Yes I have done this and just gave him back his bag but we will be back to lock down mode and no bag no pockets....
The bigger issue as to why yes I need him to identify why until he know of himself there isn't anything that can be done...and what to do to make it stop for good, I would seek help from the foster care system. He may need to be placed in a home for troubled teens.

Obviously this kid has had a rough and unsecure childhood and has some really deep-rooted issues. None of the typical parenting tips or advice will likely get you anywhere with him. Do you ahve a good relationship with his social worker? Are there some alternative settings that might help? (with you guys still being actively involved in his life)?
This is a hard road... I wish you tons of luck and hope and pray that you can get through to him and get him help before he ages out of the system.thank you yes we will have to see what else there is for him this isn't working...

You say he did this last year at this time...do you notice an increase around this time of year? Two thoughts popped into my mind. The first actually being allergies. I know it sounds weird and bizarre. There have been many, many studies done on children in foster care and also adults in the prison system, and many of them have actually been found to have allergies. There seems to be a strong correlation between the two.

My son had severe, horrid allergies as a child. I really researched and read up a lot on the topic. Being a nurse, I found it all interesting. One book that I read really stands out in my mind is called Is This Your CHild. It is a fantastic read. http://www.amazon.com/This-Your-Child-Doris-Rapp/dp/0688119077 I can you you besides the typical allergic reactions he had, he also could be a spaz until the allergen left his body.

My other thought is possibly some sort of bipolar...and the only reason I say that is because it corresponds with the timing of the season and the increase in sunlight. Just a thought. I could be totally off with both of them, but at least wanted to throw out the ideas.

I too was thinking about the timing of it as I was typing it... I will look into those at this point anything is worth a try....

 

[tpettie]

We have been fostering for 6 yrs. Two were recently adopted and now we have one teen left. He is a really good kid. He has been here for 4 yrs. now 18 and headed for college. He has a home here for as long as he needs. After that we are done due to my health issues.
Sadly some times no matter what you do nothing works. I had a teen like yours, he was here for 4 yrs and shared a room with my other teen but he was also violent and he chose to leave because he was tired of the rules. It's been two yrs and he still calls us. I know he regrets so much. Sadly, he has not changed. He was extremely impulsive and loved it when he could pull one over on us lol. He was good at that!
Okay if he is stealing things to sale maybe pay him for extra chores around the house. That is what we did and most of the stealing stopped. Once my kids reached a certain amount of money or had enough to buy what they wanted they no longer needed to steal.he has had access to lots of money he work one summer and then got a $700 dollar cheque and spent it all in two days... bought a $400 RC car... the things he wants money for are so expensive he don't realize the true value of money I couldn't posibley pay him for all he wants ...
One thing I did learn, you can not fix all of the kids no matter how much you talk to them and do everything else for them. Some learned to steal and survive at a very early age and it becomes habit, a real hard one to break.
My kids did simple chores for allowance money and then they could do extra chores for even more money. It teaches them to reach a goal. we do have a chore book but he doesn't use it...
Thanks to a 10 yr old that I had that loved money and buying things, I rarely had to clean my house lol.
Taking all their things away usually does not work. They are use to living with nothing and they just deal. Alot of the kids are very manipulative, they also learn that early. So sad all they have been through and seen in their early years.

He once did a christmas list with items on it that were $200-$900 dollars beats headphones, apple laptop, 48" tv...

 

[roxysmum123]

Does your agency provide foster parent support or have workers available to assist with behaviour problems? That would be my first instinct personally, since this behaviour should be their concern as well.

 

[tpettie]

Does your agency provide foster parent support or have workers available to assist with behaviour problems? That would be my first instinct personally, since this behaviour should be their concern as well.

I do have a support worker and all that I seem to get from them is to go to more therapy... We did a TAG program last year every tuesday morning for about 7 months ... I have tried not getting angry and talking about what he wants and how he can get it the right way...

it's so hard he just wants be able to come and go as he pleases have his allowance with out having to repay people for what he has taken he doesn't have remorse he is just belligerent...

I have thought about giving him more freedom but how do I do that when he can't even be trusted in his own home ...

 

[bumcat]

He once did a christmas list with items on it that were $200-$900 dollars beats headphones, apple laptop, 48" tv...

Sounds very impulsive. Not good. Make sure all the other kids are leading as much of a normal life as they can. If he is interfering too much you might have to let him go. I know much easier said than done but you and your family can not live so stressful in your own home. Sounds like you have tried everything.
Have you checked out www.fosterparents.com? they might be able to give you some suggestions.

 

[cornflake]

Has he been through a scared straight type program where he goes to prison and meets thieves?

Though, honestly, as long as this has apparently been going on and that he apparently has no insight into his behaviour, no remorse, no understanding ....

It'll probably get me flamed but some people are what they are and what they are is future inmates. I don't mean it in a pejorative way, really, but same as some people are whatever positive thing from birth so some people have whatever negative traits from birth. He may have many positive traits as well and be a nice person save this behaviour but... there this behaviour apparently is.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Though, honestly, as long as this has apparently been going on and that he apparently has no insight into his behaviour, no remorse, no understanding ....

Cornflake, to be honest... he just may NOT have this insight and understanding. That would be common with children who just did not experience a normal family and normal relationships and give-and-take from a very early age.

If being with the OP's family from the age of 8, years and months of therapy and support, etc... etc... etc... have not begin to have positive effect, and now he is a 15 year old teenager, with all of those added issues...

OP, I can only send hugs.
If all of these underlying and complex issues really are there... Unfortunately love is not always enough.

I would caution you, however, to know when the bigger issue is well being of your immediate bio-family.

It sounds like you have really always tried to do everything possible to help your foster son!!!!

 

[cornflake]

Cornflake, to be honest... he just may NOT have this insight and understanding. That would be common with children who just did not experience a normal family and normal relationships and give-and-take from a very early age.

If being with the OP's family from the age of 8, years and months of therapy and support, etc... etc... etc... have not begin to have positive effect, and now he is a 15 year old teenager, with all of those added issues...

OP, I can only send hugs.
If all of these underlying and complex issues really are there... Unfortunately love is not always enough.

I would caution you, however, to know when the bigger issue is well being of your immediate bio-family.

It sounds like you have really always tried to do everything possible to help your foster son!!!!

I agree he doesn't seem to have the insight and understanding, that's what I was saying.

If he were 8, I'd say therapy. As he's apparently had nine years worth of such intervention, combined with discussions and living with a normal, loving family that is trying to help with this - and frankly, from the OP's post, there's no indication he didn't have a normal family from the start.

It says his grandmother relinquished custody because she couldn't handle his behaviour. As I said, and as much as mostly I think people don't like to acknowledge this (and some certainly just disagree), some people are just born ... to be what they are.

His grandmother may be a perfectly loving, normal person who raised him normally and appropriately and got this in return. She also may not be and there could be some issue in his early childhood but... it's been nine years of apparently constant professionally directed intervention that has not had any affect on this behaviour. At a certain point... people are what they are, imo. Especially when they lack the desire to change, for whatever reason (because they don't want to or don't understand why they'd want to or etc.).

 

[NotUrsula]

Kids who steal compulsively are not going to give it up if you take everything they value away from them; that tactic just makes them steal more because they have a need to replace the "stuff" that they value.

Trying to use morality has no effect whatsoever, and neither does having them work toward a goal; stealing offers immediate gratification with minimal effort, so to a kid like that it is logically a lot better than working.
The list is telling; all of those items are status symbols, and I'd be willing to bet quite a lot that the root of all this is trying to gain status among peers.

As to the timing, look into major ugly events in his life, such as a parent's death or arrest. Odds are that something happened to him around this time of year, and the stress of the anniversary is causing him to act out more than usual.

 

[poohlover]

I work in a group home for boys with similar issues. I also noted the "same time last year" line, it could be that this time of year is a trigger for him for some reason he may not understand or know.

I also agree with some of the other PP's in that due to the disrupted relationships in his childhood he may not be able to understand the difference between right and wrong or why you are upset about it all.

I wish I had a magic cure for it, sounds like you are doing everything you need to. Best of luck with him!

 

[tpettie]

when I say this time last year I'm only referring to the taking of the video games ... the stealing in general is all year long I do a room check nearly everyday and he doesn't go more than 4 days without me finding property that isn't his

Today I'm just ruffled because it was personal house property again.... Honesty I know its wrong but I don't care what he takes out side the home.... It's when he steals from the family I'm cranky...

His stealing is anything it isn't just large ticket items it's note pads, pens, post it notes, tape, anything... we did one christmas buy him all the "office supplies" we could thinks of that were "cool" to help off set it....

I need a Disney Trip....