Child-free, but not by choice?

[Nennie]

Hello All!

I was just wondering if there were any other couples out there that were dealing with infertility, or the loss of a child, that also love Disney as much as we do.

We have been trying to have a baby for 3 years, and have been treating with a RE. We did get pregnant twice, but lost one to an ectopic pregnancy, and our second pregnancy resulted in our son was stillborn in August. We aren't giving up though, and will probably go back to the doctor this summer to try again.

Family and friends think we're nuts for going to Disney (we go 3 times a year), b/c of all the children. I admit that it's hard to see all the children laughing, playing, hugging the characters, etc. I burst into tears once, after sitting next to the cutest little boy on Soarin' and watching his reaction to the ride. I just have to believe that one day I'll have a child to share Disney with as well.

Just wondering if there was anyone else out there dealing with a similar situation, and wanted someone to chat with!

 

[heimlichfan]

Usually I don't post for comments, (only my own selfish questions!) but when I read your post it was like me speaking!

DH and I have been trying to have a baby for 3 years as well. At the beginning stages of our path of infertility we were told that we could never have a baby due to male factor infertility. Well we decided to see an RE anyways and have gone through 3 cycles of IVF/ICSI. The final try we had this past fall resulted in a singleton pregnancy (even though they put in four embryos - yikes!) which I unfortunately miscarried at 8 weeks. I CANNOT imagine experiencing the pain of an ectopic AND a stillborn baby. My heart aches for you and I admire the fact that you have not given up.

As for the Disney thing - it's my best cure, children and all! After we found out about the miscarriage my immediate thought was, "WDW as soon as possible." The children at the park thing rarely gets to me but that's probably because I'm a teacher (DH is a principal) and am around kids all day long. But I do know that WDW is a place that helps me feel better about anything - including this unbelievably hard road of infertility. I don't think it's strange at all that you and DH love WDW so much that you go there as often as you do - whatever helps you deal is the best thing that you do for yourself.

It was great reading a post from someone who lives the "Disney lifestyle" and is also going through something like me. Thanks!

 

[Nennie]

WOW! We really have a lot in common outlook. I'm so very sorry to hear about your m/c. I can absolutely relate to planning a WDW trip after that. Everytime we've had a loss, or a failed cycle, we start thinking about our next visit to the Mouse.

Have you ever had anything left to freeze? We've only done 2 IVFs, but had poor quality embies, with nothing to freeze. Our two pregnancies were actually from IUIs, which surprised me (we don't have MF though, it's all me). Our current plan is to give it a few more tries (which will hopefully yield some success), and if that doesn't work, look into donor embryos.

I wish you all the luck in the world!!!! I just have to believe that we will oneday have little ones to share our Disney lifestyle with! I'm so glad that you posted, and that I'm not alone!!!

 

[aclov]

Hi there! Your not alone! I have been trying for 6 years and have done several IUI's (lost count) and one failed IVF. I'm waiting to do the next IVF later this month or in Feb. Ours is unexplained infertility and it's so difficult getting questioned constantly by everyone. I don't think people understand that for some it's difficult to conceive and automatically just assume that you don't have any children because you don't want them. When people ask me if I have kids and I tell them no, they usually ask "WHY?" Hmm....I usually say because I haven't been blessed yet or I have two dogs to keep me busy. Some people even get up the nerve to ask if everything is okay. I'm not talking about friends or family but coworkers or acquantainces. Our families and close friends know we are seeking treatment but other than that I really don't want to go into details with others. But I don't mind sharing with others like yourself who are going through the same struggle.

As for Disney, DH and I are DVC owners. I bought the year before we got married with the intention and excitement of going to WDW with our children. DH and I first experienced WDW as adults when were dating so we wanted our children to be more fortunate. Throughout the past years, we've gone to WDW with family and friends, and really enjoyed ourselves. Our last trip in August, DH said he wasn't going to any more parks until we have kids He'll still go to the restaurants and other places in WDW and we have good friends that live in Orlando, but no more parks. On this last trip I ended up going to MK alone. So I guess if I want to take a trip to visit the parks, I'll go with my best friend who is also childless or my parents.

Thanks for starting this thread. Hopefully, others will respond.

 

[roxannex]

I'm so sorry. I do understand how you feel. Our first child was stillborn in December of 2004. I know the pain of that loss, although I have not had problems conceiving.

We went to Disney in May of 2005 when I was 8 weeks pregnant with our second child--who thankfully was born healthy in November of 2005. Looking back, it was probably a crazy thing to do. I was so terrified and there were kids everywhere, of course. I was not prepared for how many visibly pregnant women would be there! (I was very uncomfortable around pregnant women and small babies.) Silly. Of course there would be!

But we still did have a lot of fun. Disney really is such a happy place, and I think it's very romantic. We stayed at the Yacht Club, which had a more adult atmosphere.

My heart goes out to you. I really hope that you do get pregnant again and have a child to hold and love.

 

[TDS373X]

from someone who went down this road. We tried for 13 years problems on both sides. Finally decided and had saved enough $$ to give IVF a shot. I produced 5 eggs, 4 fertilized we put them all back (I had a choice to freeze 1 or 2). We at first ultrasound had twins by the next ultrasound I had lost 1. Thankfully I have an awesome daughter. Do whatever you need to do to make you feel good if it's Disney then do it. You can find children and pregnant women everywhere (especially it seems when it's all you want to be is a mom) infertility is a long, hard road it is important to take care of yourself not just physically but emotionally as well...DH and I went to WDW every year prior to our marriage and during and wanted this for our children sadly DH never got to share this with his daughter. My prayers are with the OP and everyone who is going down this road that you may one day be as blessed as I am. Hang in there and if you need that Disney break you just do it..ya never know you may just come back with that "lil souvineer"

 

[heimlichfan]

Nennie - No, we've never had anything left to freeze unfortunately.

We have one more IVF try left under insurance which we are currently debating whether or not to use. DH is DONE with all of this stuff and ready to head to Korea (where we plan to adopt pending IVF decision) but I really feel I owe it to myself to use what I have been given. I know I do NOT want to be one of those people that do IVF 50,000 times and put huge strain on their marriage but I also don't want to be 45 years old someday and say "What if I had used that last cycle?"

As for the Disney part of the dealing and healing process... Can you think of a better place to restore your hope and faith????

 

[Nennie]

I'm so glad that we are not alone out there!!!

Aclov -- I'm a DVC owner too! We bought after we knew we were having problems, but before we did IVF. We were just hoping (and still are hoping) that we'd eventually have children to share DVC with. My heart breaks for you and your DH that he doesn't want to so the parks right now. I know where he is coming from, and I hope that I don't get to that point too. I also know what you mean about not wanting to share your struggle with people who haven't been through it. They just don't understand....and instead try to give tips, like "Relax" or "Eat pineapple!" Gee, thanks! I'm at DVC 3 times a year (Jan, May, Sept) so maybe we'll be at the same resort one of these days!

Roxanne - I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I'm also very happy to hear that you now have a healthy child. Thanks so much for the kind words!

TDS - I am so happy to hear that you have a dd, and am sorry that you lost her twin. Thanks for the advice on taking care of myself. I don't know if I'll be able to bring home a lil souvenier (unless I bring my doctor to WDW, lol), but there's always that Disney magic!!

Heimlich - so sorry you had nothing to freeze. I swear I don't know who these people are that freeze 10-12 embies. I've never met them!! Disney is definitely the place to go to heal old wounds though. I'm just not one of those people that wants to go lay on a beach on some remote island and drown my sorrows away. I'd rather do it on Tower of Terror! LOL! Best of luck to you, in whatever path ultimately leads you to parenthood!

 

[dorazio8]

Would love to chat, I just sent you a PM.
Kim

 

[Claudia Kellenberger]

I am totally obsessed with WDW, and I have had 6 annual solo vacations. We will arrive at WDW on Jan 21st. This time DH is coming with me for only a day and a half, and I'm staying for 4 more nights.

We don't have children, we are an "older" couple.

I don't have any children, and it's only partly by choice. In 1976 I had a difficult pregnancy because I was vomiting at least 3 times every day, for 5 months. I was in hard labor 4 different hospital stays. In the end, she was born premature, 3 lbs. 4ozs. She only survived 3 days. Then in 1977 I had twin daughters, born premature, and only survived about an hour.

Even the specialists could not figure out exactly what was wrong with my body. I knew it could all happen like that again. I became more and more afraid of going through it all again. I waited five full years after the last pregnancy and I got my tubes tied. Yes - I gave up.
I am now 53 years old. I will miss my children every day of my life - but I do not regret getting my tubes tied. Due to the circumstances, it was the right thing to do.

Oddly enough, seeing all the children having a great time at WDW, makes me happy, and not sad.
Maybe that's because more time has passed.
I guess life really does go on.

 

[hematite153]

Thank you all for sharing your stories. We have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years but have only managed 1 chemical pregnancy that ended early. I've been feeling sad lately but I guess we've avoided a lot of pain as well. I'm not anywhere near ready to give up though. Good luck to all of you and thank you again for your willingness to share.

 

[Mischa]

Finally a thread for CNBCers! I think there are more of than we may even know...

My DH & I tried for 12+ years to conceive. We tried on our own, tried IUIs several times (with no success), we were going to try IVF until I was told my eggs were "too old" (gee that made me feel good) and we were going to try donor egg earlier last year.

We did find out a few medical reasons as to why we couldn't conceive on our own (my left tube had to be removed because it had twisted somehow) and my right ovary wasn't producing a good enough egg.

We (rather I) had to do a series of shots to get ready for donor egg and I guess my body didn't agree with the medicine and I ended up with pre-cancerous cells when they did the biopsy (to see the lining of my uterus). That totally freaked my RE because she said she (nor any of her partners) had seen someone who has never had any problems with their monthly cycles (you could set you clock to how regular I am!) I then had to take progesterine for 3 months and that worked to get rid of the cells. We tried it again and guess what? Same thing happened. So after the progesterine again, DH and I discussed our option - our only option...no kids for us.

We've looked into adoption but because of the difference in our ages (and religions) most places won't even talk to us. And I'm sure there are other factors they would find - we decided not to go that route.

I guess our only hope would be if someone we know, knows someone who is pregnate and wants to give their baby up for adoption - and wanted us to adopt it. Part of me still hasn't given up I guess.

Meanwhile, DH & I became DVC members this past May (we had the same thought too - "oh we can bring our child"). We simply love Disney and look forward to enjoying each other more and Disney more too.

We took our last trip this past December, which was harder than we thought it would be. I guess because we made the decision that we would be childless (or rather the decision was made for us) it sort of hurt seeing all the families and kids enjoying themselves. Yet we are determined to get through these feelings! We don't want to shut ourselves off from kids - we love kids. Unfortunately, we don't have any kids around us. I'm an only child and DH has one nephew who is grown. Most of our friends who have children seem to have forgotten about us. We have only one couple we are friends with (and they don't have kids either).

We're planning our next trip to WDW for this May and I'm planning a girls' only weekend in November.

My wish for those of you who are still trying - that you do become pregnant and have a happy, healthy pregnancy and baby! But whether you do or not, remember to take care of you and your DH/partner. The whole process of trying to conceive and dealing with infertility can really take a tole on you both and on your relationship. Take time to care for one another!

Sorry for making this so long!

 

[Claudia Kellenberger]

For me - I think the MAJOR difference was that my Brother and his 3 kids lived right in the same town that I did. They helped me so much !
And to this day - I am still close to them.

And to some of you .... Don't give up on the IVF.
There's people that I'm close to, although they live in another state. They went through 2 failed IVF. The 3rd one "took". In one pregnancy, they had 2 boys and 2 girls. They were all healthy!
This May they will turn 4 years old.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Our Infertility is actually what got our love of Disney started. I had been through 3 unsuccessful IUI's and I decided that on my vacation I would head to Orlando to see the African Infertility Status at Ripley's Believe It or Not Corporate Offices. I thought what better time to make my first trip to WDW. Ifelt like I had been to hell and back after all of the hormones and failed treatments and my husband was in California for the Army.

Thinking about Disney kinds keeps my mind off of not being able to have children. We have been trying since the day we got married in December 2001 and I have all but given up now. We exhausted what we had doing the IUI's and I can't go throught that again and eveything else required for IVF (like we can afford that), and I go back and forth with the adoption thing. I really want a biological child and again we can't afford to adopt. We can't get pregnant at all, and I'm not so sure that my RE gave me correct information. Because we were paying for treatment (insurance doesn't cover much) we got as little as he could possibly give and I don't think I got treated as well as women that had insurance or were rich.

I cry alot (not quite as much as I used to), my family(DH, DM) says they understand, but I know they don't. I still have moments when I reach my breaking point and I have to let everything out. I have gone off on a few women in public for mistreating their babies. I'm tired of being told to relax, I just want someone to understand. We don't have any kind of support groups in our area and I don't know where to reach out, Disney seemed to be my way out. I know there are alot of children there, but somehow, I just didn't seem to notice, I guess I was just caught up in the moment, and well, I had to look out for my mother and keep up with her (I'm overprotective).

Well enough rambling, it's time to go home.

PrincessSuzanne

 

[Mischa]

Hi all,

Not sure if you all have seen/heard about this website called: www.childlessnotbychoice.com I'm a member there and it's similar to this board but it deals with just about all aspects of being childless not by choice. My name on that board is luv2paint.

Sometimes it's hard to find a support group in your area and I love this website because not only are the people nice, but they understand how I feel! We've got "sections" for just about anything - still trying, not trying anymore...etc.

 

[hmp2z]

I'm a teacher, and I see dozens of parentless kids each year go through my classes. It's difficult to see, and I hope that some of you might consider adoption. There are thousands of kids out there, many of them older (7+), who get paraded out at adoption fairs like dogs. They feel awful about it, and many of my students (I teach 7th grade) tell me that they know they'll never be adopted, because now they're older and not cute enough. Very, very sad. I know it takes a big heart to take an older child into your life, but they're out there, lonely, desperate for parents.

Just a thought.

Heather W

 

[hematite153]

I'm a teacher, and I see dozens of parentless kids each year go through my classes. It's difficult to see, and I hope that some of you might consider adoption. There are thousands of kids out there, many of them older (7+), who get paraded out at adoption fairs like dogs. They feel awful about it, and many of my students (I teach 7th grade) tell me that they know they'll never be adopted, because now they're older and not cute enough. Very, very sad. I know it takes a big heart to take an older child into your life, but they're out there, lonely, desperate for parents.

Believe me, if we get to the point of looking at adoption we will definitely look at older kids--we've talked about fostering as well. However, at this point I am still hoping for a biological child. We don't have adoption fairs around here though so I won't be looking at it from that approach.

 

[Nennie]

It just feels so great to know that we are not alone in this!!!

We were at WDW last week for a long weekend, and had a great time. I got my courage up, and I finally called the RE and made told the nurse that I’m ready to cycle again in late March/early April. We have our next trip planned at the end of May, so it will either be a celebration, or a cheer–me-up trip! Either way, I’ll need the getaway!

Claudia – Bravo to you for taking those solo trips! I’m so glad to hear that you are at peace with your decision, and enjoy seeing the children at WDW.

Hermatite – I’m so sorry to hear about your chemical, but am glad that you are not giving up! Best wishes to you!!

Mischa – Thanks so much for the link! I will definitely be checking out that website!! I participate in another TTC website, but there are also ladies there who already have children, and they don’t quite get that the pain of TTC your first child is different from that of trying for #2, 3, or 4. It’s funny that you mention the hope of someone you know, knowing someone who is pregnant, and offering to let you adopt their baby. That exact same thing just happened to my good friend about 6 months ago…now why doesn’t that kind of stuff ever happen to me? Also funny that so many of us our DVC members! Maybe with no kids, we’ve all got the extra cash to blow on Disney, huh!

Suzanne – I go back and forth with the adoption thing too. It scares me (both financially and emotionally) to go through all of that, and then have it fall through at the last minute. At this point, we are still trying for a biological child, but then our next step will be embryo adoption (yeah it’s a controversial topic, but I’ll do anything to have a child), and if neither of those work out, we’ll take the risk with traditional adoption (not sure if domestic or international though). So many decisions, it is quite overwhelming!

Heather – Thanks for the input. I can assure you that we are all aware that the possibility of adoption is out there. Please don’t think any of us selfish for not jumping into adoption right away. There are a multitude of factors to consider (emotional, financial, legal, etc), and I can assure you that adoption is not always as easy at it looks someone on the outside looking in.

Best Wishes to all of us!!!!

 

[hmp2z]

I can assure you that adoption is not always as easy at it looks someone on the outside looking in.

Believe me; I know adoption, especially adoption of an older child, is not easy at all. I teach those kids - I am fully aware of their issues! But I've also seen it from the other side: that of the kids. So many of them, and so sad and wistful - some of them even hoping still though they realize all the odds are against them.

Cheers!
Heather W

 

[GSD4ME]

My situation is a little bit different in that I never actually got to TRY to have kids of my own. About 12 years ago, I was diagnosed with a condition where, according to my doctor (and subsequent ones), the chances of me conceiving let alone carrying a child to term is about zero. Oh, and by the way, it's a pre-cancerous condition. (Thanks, Doc! Could you give me any more good news?!?!!?!??) The next year, I was diagnosed with a pretty serious case of endometriosis. At the time, I wasn't in a position to try IVF or adopt (I was married, but we ended up getting divorced - but not because of the kid issue . . . that's a story for an entirely different thread! ).

It took a looooooong time for me to come to terms with not being able to have my own children, believe me - I love kids and was born to be a mom! Over time, I came to realize that although I would never have my own children, I could still have a positive impact on the lives of the children of my friends and family members. Then, 5 years ago, I got married to a wonderful man who has 2 children from a previous marriage. They live with their mom in another state from us, but I am pretty close to them. Even though they aren't my biological children, I still consider them "mine" (and my family treats them just as they do any of the other kids in our family). It's still not the same as having a biological child, but it's a close second for me! Also, I have my four-footed babies - 2 dogs and 2 cats (just look at my aviator and you can see my big monsters!).

My husband and I discussed adoption but, for a variety of reasons, decided against it. My husband's one comment still makes me laugh, though. He said that if we decided to adopt, we'd have to get rid of the cats. (WHAT!?!??!?! Ummmmm . . . Honey, don't you think the DOGS take up more of our time than the cats?) I was laughing so hard after he made that comment that I never did find out his reasoning behind it!

To those of you who are still going through treatments, I admire you and wish you all the best!!!