Cheney Prepared To ‘go It Alone’ Against Saddam

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CHENEY PREPARED TO ‘GO IT ALONE’ AGAINST SADDAM

Veep Opts to Parachute into Baghdad and Take Out Hussein Himself

Angered at the growing chorus of opposition to proposed military action against Iraq, Vice President Dick Cheney announced today that he plans to parachute into Baghdad and take out the Iraqi leader himself.

“To our so-called allies in the Middle East and Europe, I have only this to say: you’re all a bunch of pathetic wimps,” a visibly pissed-off Mr. Cheney said at a White House press conference today. “I guess if I want to get rid of Saddam, I’m going to have to do it myself, won’t I now?”

While Cheney had hinted in recent days that the U.S. was prepared to “go it alone” to remove Saddam from power, few suspected that the Vice President, who has a history of heart problems, was willing to do it himself.

But Mr. Cheney, who has been working out in recent days with a Bowflex ™ Home Gym, says he has “bulked up” for the task of taking out Saddam.

Sources say that Mr. Cheney’s decision to parachute into Baghdad himself may have been prompted by a recent Wall Street Journal opinion piece opposing a war against Iraq, penned by Mr. Cheney’s personal barber, Tony.

“The Wall Street Journal piece was significant because Tony is known for being the biggest suck-up in the White House,” one source said.

In the Journal piece, Tony the barber wrote: “While I agree with the goal of regime change in Iraq, a military mission to remove Saddam would alienate our allies around the world. Having said that, I should add that Mr. Cheney is a very handsome man, with excellent, healthy hair.”

**** BOROWITZ ON NPR THIS SUNDAY ****

This week, Andy Borowitz reveals what he didn’t do this summer on National Public Radio’s “Weekend Edition Sunday.” Check local listings.