Cheerfully child-free. Anyone else?

[Hixski]

dolcezena.....I am hoping you are agreeing with what I said to my DD? Not sure, but I find it interesting that at the young age of 16, she felt like she would be "selfish" to not have kids at some point in her life...but sounds like there is a LOT of pressure and "why not's?" out there. Sorry you have to deal with that...
If it makes you feel any better, when I have been having a bad day WITH kids, I have had to endure comments like, "If you can't handle it, you shouldn't have had any!" Like I had a crystal ball or something 17 years ago. So I guess both side get slammed!


Pam

As a childfree person I have had to listen to the "selfish" comments and plenty more. We wanted a child but it just never worked out. We did not want to do "everything" possible to have a child. I think we were probably fence sitters anyway. At that point we decided to be childfree. We listened to the selfish comments from people that did not even know we wanted a child. We listen to the selfish comments now that we have chosen to remain childfree. Your daughter should not feel selfish. This is her life and she should be able to choose how she lives it.

You might want to check out "Marrieds choosing not to have kids" thread on the adults and solo board. You will see a real variety of childfree folks. You will also see how some folks are not very nice to us too. It would give you a look at how your daughter will get treated.

 

[nealymouse]

My DD is now 17, She has told use from early childhood say age 5 or 6 that she never wanted kids. She played dolls but was not the Mommy type with the doll. She wanted to take it to the babysitter and go to work LOL.

I dont ever expect her to have kids and I am thrilled. She will make a great aunt(has a niece and loves her to death) but not a great mom.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I am completely baffled by the "selfish" comments. How on earth could anyone think it's "selfish" to choose not to add more people to a world whose population is outgrowing it's resources? Or to choose not to have kids when you don't want to parent them?

I'm sorry you have to hear those comments. Those people couldn't be more wrong.

 

[Fitswimmer]

My DD is now 17, She has told use from early childhood say age 5 or 6 that she never wanted kids. She played dolls but was not the Mommy type with the doll. She wanted to take it to the babysitter and go to work LOL.

I dont ever expect her to have kids and I am thrilled. She will make a great aunt(has a niece and loves her to death) but not a great mom.

I LOVE being an aunt!! (she's really my Godchild, but we've used Aunt/Niece for years-less complicated) She's 20 now and we've had a great relationship since she was born. She's been to WDW with me, vacations down the shore, day trips...just yesterday we spent the day in NYC!

Not only did I choose not to have kids, I chose not to marry. In my religion, kids are VERY important and there is a lot of pressure to have them. I never dated a man of my faith that was willing not to be a father. So, I figured that God's plan for me was to be single and be of service in other ways. My DN's mother pretty much abandoned the family when she was about 18 months old, and if I had had a family of my own, I wouldn't have been able to help her the way I was as a single person. If my not marrying and not having kids happened so that I could help raise her to be the confident, self-assured young woman that she is-then it was worth it!
Oh, I've gotten the selfish comments from people-my personal favorite is "Didn't you want to give your parents grandchildren?" As if that was a valid reason to have a family!

Being childfree is a valid choice whether you are married or single and I think it will become more acceptable as time passes.

 

[Andy B]

Well, I'm not, but I can guarantee you that if I were child free I would be pretty darn cheerful most days.

Cheerful maybe but I would miss the highs that parenthood has brought me.

 

[RC Fan]

I wish I could give my female reproductive organs to someone who really wants a child and can't have any.

I'd gladly give mine up too if it were possible. I've always thought it was unfair that people who have had children for the wrong reasons and then have neglected them could have like 20 kids, but that people who would really love and cherish children are unable to conceive. Who knows, maybe someday it will be surgically possible to donate reproductive organs?

 

[Muushka]

I have had to use birth control for more years than I can count. Does anyone else (other than me) wonder if you were actually able to conceive? Wouldn't it be sad (not really, just hypothetical) if I used BC all these years and I was infertile?

 

[goofygirl]

y. I'm not the one who brought another thread into this discussion...you didn't exactly have "pure" intentions when you posted what you did. For being so "happily" child free, you seem to take a lot of issue over this.....

I'm not "belittling' anyone. Nor I am "taking issue."

But you've got to see there is a cultural bias to those who are childless and can't conceive vs. people like me. Do you think I'd get any sympathy from anyone, especially infertile people, if I became pregnant and went for an abortion? They can take a lesson of what NOT to say to a childfree woman who does not want to carry a baby she does not want:

Here's only some of things I've been told:

"Don't you know to use birth control?"
Um, YES, but what if it fails?

"If you don't want a baby, keep your legs closed."
I'm not living like a nun just because I don't want a kid.

"You BABY KILLER! If you are barren or die later, you deserve it!"
Um, I guess you'll be outside the clinic with your blown up/Photoshopped fetus photos. Thanks for your support.

"How selfish. You don't have your priorities straight."
Choosing a procedure vs. ruining my life? Um, yes I do have my priorities straight! And besides- my body, my choice!

"Don't you know a baby is a gift from God?"
Gift?? What kind of gift is THIS?? In my case, it's a CURSE!

And:
"Maybe God made you pregnant for a reason."
And that reason would be....???? Well, using that logic, maybe God made you infertile for a reason.

"I want a child and can't have any. You should feel LUCKY that you can get pregnant!"
Ok, #1 it's not all about you. and #2 How would you like it if I told you that YOU should feel lucky that you CAN'T get pregnant? That you should feel lucky you don't have to worry about "accidents" and birth control going wrong.

"Don't abort it. There's couples who want to adopt a baby so badly."
So, let them go adopt a baby that's already here. What do they need MINE for?

 

[goofygirl]

I have had to use birth control for more years than I can count. Does anyone else (other than me) wonder if you were actually able to conceive? Wouldn't it be sad (not really, just hypothetical) if I used BC all these years and I was infertile?

I take the Pill for my cramping, so it's not just a birth control method for me. But yeah, I've wondered if I was infertile or not. But I'm not about to find out! LOL

 

[Muushka]

I'm not "belittling' anyone. Nor I am "taking issue."

But you've got to see there is a cultural bias to those who are childless and can't conceive vs. people like me. Do you think I'd get any sympathy from anyone, especially infertile people, if I became pregnant and went for an abortion? They can take a lesson of what NOT to say to a childfree woman who does not want to carry a baby she does not want:

Here's only some of things I've been told:

"Don't you know to use birth control?"
Um, YES, but what if it fails?

"If you don't want a baby, keep your legs closed."
I'm not living like a nun just because I don't want a kid.

"You BABY KILLER! If you are barren or die later, you deserve it!"
Um, I guess you'll be outside the clinic with your blown up/Photoshopped fetus photos. Thanks for your support.

"How selfish. You don't have your priorities straight."
Choosing a procedure vs. ruining my life? Um, yes I do have my priorities straight! And besides- my body, my choice!

"Don't you know a baby is a gift from God?"
Gift?? What kind of gift is THIS?? In my case, it's a CURSE!

And:
"Maybe God made you pregnant for a reason."
And that reason would be....???? Well, using that logic, maybe God made you infertile for a reason.

"I want a child and can't have any. You should feel LUCKY that you can get pregnant!"
Ok, #1 it's not all about you. and #2 How would you like it if I told you that YOU should feel lucky that you CAN'T get pregnant? That you should feel lucky you don't have to worry about "accidents" and birth control going wrong.

"Don't abort it. There's couples who want to adopt a baby so badly."
So, let them go adopt a baby that's already here. What do they need MINE for?

I am just trying to understand. If you already are planning on an abortion if you get pregnant, why do you tell people what you are going to do if you know that your plans will elicit this type of response?

 

[SplshMtn99]

I'm childfree by choice. I SURE hope people don't think we ALL think the way a previous poster does. I'm not guilty by association.

Ironically, my only other sibling is also childfree by choice.

 

[luvwinnie]

I have had to use birth control for more years than I can count. Does anyone else (other than me) wonder if you were actually able to conceive? Wouldn't it be sad (not really, just hypothetical) if I used BC all these years and I was infertile?

I have endometriosis, so it's very possible I am infertile, but even if I was I'd have to take the Pill anyway for the endo pain.

THe one good thing about being almost 39 is people will soon stop asking when I'm having kids!!!!

 

[Mrs.Toad]

SplshMtn, don't worry, we know not all child-free folks feel that way (actually, I personally have encountered exactly one).

GoofyGirl, I don't think anyone should be saying those things to you, either. There are plenty of rude and insensitive people in the world, parents or not, fertile or infertile.

But you really can't compare because women who don't want kids can choose to be child-free. The obnoxious comments you get are not heaped on top of a world of personal heartache, the way they are for infertile women, who cannot choose to be fertile. You are living the life you want to live, while infertile women are not.

Again, this doesn't give anyone the right to be so rude and obnoxious to you, but explains why people may have more sympathy for those who want children so badly and cannot have them, than for those who have exactly the number of children they want.

OK, and now I really will unsubscribe and stop replying to this thread, as it's not where I belong.

 

[goofygirl]

I am just trying to understand. If you already are planning on an abortion if you get pregnant, why do you tell people what you are going to do if you know that your plans will elicit this type of response?

Because I would hope I'd get a better type of response, like "Oh if this happens I'll be really sorry you have to deal with this." or "I'll support you through this if this happens to you." You know, I'd hope for some support, symapthy and understanding. But I guess that's hoping against hope.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Because I would hope I'd get a better type of response, like "Oh if this happens I'll be really sorry you have to deal with this." or "I'll support you through this if this happens to you." You know, I'd hope for some support, symapthy and understanding. But I guess that's hoping against hope.

I know I said I wouldn't, but just had to...

Goofygirl, I think it's because abortion is so controversial. Even most pro-choicers don't like that abortions have to happen sometimes. I think women who need to terminate a pregnancy should get more sympathy than they do as well, but I don't think it'll happen in my lifetime.

 

[goofygirl]

I LOVE being an aunt!! (she's really my Godchild, but we've used Aunt/Niece for years-less complicated) She's 20 now and we've had a great relationship since she was born. She's been to WDW with me, vacations down the shore, day trips...just yesterday we spent the day in NYC!

Not only did I choose not to have kids, I chose not to marry. In my religion, kids are VERY important and there is a lot of pressure to have them. I never dated a man of my faith that was willing not to be a father. So, I figured that God's plan for me was to be single and be of service in other ways. My DN's mother pretty much abandoned the family when she was about 18 months old, and if I had had a family of my own, I wouldn't have been able to help her the way I was as a single person. If my not marrying and not having kids happened so that I could help raise her to be the confident, self-assured young woman that she is-then it was worth it!
Oh, I've gotten the selfish comments from people-my personal favorite is "Didn't you want to give your parents grandchildren?" As if that was a valid reason to have a family!

Being childfree is a valid choice whether you are married or single and I think it will become more acceptable as time passes.

If I recall correctly, you are Catholic? I am just curious how you feel when your Church comes out against birth control and a woman's right to choose? It must be hard for you sometimes.

 

[goofygirl]

I know I said I wouldn't, but just had to...

Goofygirl, I think it's because abortion is so controversial. Even most pro-choicers don't like that abortions have to happen sometimes. I think women who need to terminate a pregnancy should get more sympathy than they do as well, but I don't think it'll happen in my lifetime.

Well, I have to agree with you here.

 

[MELSMICE]

Because I would hope I'd get a better type of response, like "Oh if this happens I'll be really sorry you have to deal with this." or "I'll support you through this if this happens to you." You know, I'd hope for some support, symapthy and understanding. But I guess that's hoping against hope.

I would imagine (& this is just a guess) that it's hard for people to be supportive & feel sympathetic when they know the abortion is used as a form of birth control.

I know, your body, your choice, but even some pro-choicers have a difficult time with abortion as birth control. JMO.

 

[goofygirl]

The obnoxious comments you get are not heaped on top of a world of personal heartache

Actually, yeah, they are. I've had childfree related personal heartache. Okay, my heartache may be different than an infertile person's , but it's still heartache. In the past I've had family fight with me until I'm in tears because I don't want children. I also lost a man I loved very much and whom I thought I was going to marry- because he wanted children and I didn't. It felt like a death to me. And it doesn't help when I see childfree women who have managed to meet a male soulmate who is also childfree, when I haven't been able to meet a decent CF mate, and it feels like I never will be able to. Heartache? Yep, I've got it.

 

[goofygirl]

I would imagine (& this is just a guess) that it's hard for people to be supportive & feel sympathetic when they know the abortion is used as a form of birth control.

I know, your body, your choice, but even some pro-choicers have a difficult time with abortion as birth control. JMO.

Just to clarify- I do not believe abortion should be used as your sole method of birth control. I'm talking about using it in cases where the condom, pill, etc fails.