Cheating friend - WWYD?

[Nancyg56]

Did you read and understand what I wrote?

Why would I blame the person who cares enough to tell me my husband is a cheating scumbag?

I said I would be *hurt* if I find out my friends or family knew about the cheating and didn't tell me about it.

Years ago the jerk who was going to marry my SIS IL made a pass at me two days before they were going to get married. He knew he made a huge mistake and went directly to my SIS Il and told her what he did and that he was "testing me and my loyalty to her". Yeah. Now I had not said anything to her because I really believed she would not believe me. Her reaction validated this.

She did not want to believe that he would cheat on her. At that time nothing I would have said would have changed her mind and if I had popped that bubble she was in she would have hated me. You see, she was not ready to hear the truth about the man she loved.

Most people know if there is something wrong in their relationships and when they are ready to make a decision they will "see" what is happening. Perhaps some women want to be told but I would think long and hard before intruding and perhaps forcing someone to either defend her man and isolate herself or to make a decision becasue of embarrassement and pressure.

 

[Mary•Poppins]

My mentor during my first year of teaching, left her husband of 23 years after she found him cheating on her. When I met her, she had been divorced for 2 years, but still had to see him since he worked in the district.

After she left him, she had "friends" that came up to her and told her that her husband had been cheating on her for years. My mentor said that her friendship with them dissolved. She couldn't understand that is these women were her "friend" WHY wouldn't they have told her ... as hard as this would have been to swallow. She said it lead to years of unhappiness that could have been averted.

 

[Carly_Roach]

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

No! In this case that's a nice little ditty to use when you attempt to justify being a busybody.

Exactly.

(I don't know if you really have a sister or not, but assuming you do then my response is as follows...)

It's none of your business that your bil is cheating on your sister?

WTH kind of relationship do you have with your sister that you would even have to think about telling her? Where is your family loyalty?

Not only would I tell my sister that her husband is cheating on her, I would have to refrain from beating the crap out of him.

Any one that is close to me, be it family or friend, deserves to be told.

I would want to be told if my husband was screwing around behind my back and was making me look like a fool. Wouldn't you want to know?

All I know is, if the people around me knew what my husband was doing and didn't immediately tell me, that would hurt almost as much as find out about my cheating spouse...

My sister and I share a very close relationship. It is THAT relationship I'm concerned about maintaining, not the relationship between her and her DH (whom I really don't care for).

Concerning family loyalty, don't even go there Ms. Busybody. A big part of loving a family member is stopping your own emotions long enough to discover whether the action you're about to take is for their benefit or yours. The correct choice is to put my sister's well-being above my own, even if I knew her husband was a tramp and had evidence. Until she's ready to leave the bum, there ain't nothing I can say or do that's going to do anything else except hurt my relationship with her and force a family break in the whole ensuring "choose sides" argument that would follow.

Those who preen themselves that they're so "loyal" and would go running to a family member with the least little hint of scandal aren't truly concerned about the "wronged woman". I'd have to say 99% of the time they're simply addicted to drama and want to be in the thick of it. We typically have to listen to them whine on Monday mornings when they're complaining about how they did the right thing but now everyone's mad at THEM when it was the husband that was doing the cheating.

And BAM....that is exactly why you keep your yap shut.

When someone gets the courage to come and tell you then you beat them into the dirt like it is there fault.

Cased closed.

Thank you. MTE.

Years ago the jerk who was going to marry my SIS IL made a pass at me two days before they were going to get married. He knew he made a huge mistake and went directly to my SIS Il and told her what he did and that he was "testing me and my loyalty to her". Yeah. Now I had not said anything to her because I really believed she would not believe me. Her reaction validated this.

She did not want to believe that he would cheat on her. At that time nothing I would have said would have changed her mind and if I had popped that bubble she was in she would have hated me. You see, she was not ready to hear the truth about the man she loved.

Most people know if there is something wrong in their relationships and when they are ready to make a decision they will "see" what is happening. Perhaps some women want to be told but I would think long and hard before intruding and perhaps forcing someone to either defend her man and isolate herself or to make a decision becasue of embarrassement and pressure.

I had a situation like this years ago involving my best friend and her husband. Her husband emailed another friend in our group...making inappropriate comments and trying to get her to meet up with him while the other friend was pregnant with her dd. She told us (myself and one other close friend) and we agonized over telling her. My best friend was so in love with her dh and none of us really liked him...so we figured if we told her, she might think we were trying to cause strife in their marriage and the fall out would be on our heads...and we'd risk losing her as a friend. So we collectively decided to keep out of it. Other friend did not act on anything and in fact felt it was thoroughly disgusting.

A few years later, my best friend and her husband separated for other reasons and after their divorce was filed, the three of us decided we should tell her. In hindsight, she did say she wished we had told her, however, she did agree that she might have thought we were sabotaging their relationship due to our dislike of her ex.

Because she is like my sister, it killed me to not tell her, but she needed to come to the decision herself.

Thanks for posting your stories.

Bottom line, any woman who says she wasn't aware that her husband was straying is very likely lying to save face. ALL women know when the bull isn't coming around the pasture anymore. ALL woman know when he seems to have lost interest and/or things seem different. ALL women.

Blaming someone else for not saying something is a great smoke screen and a convenient way of taking your hurt, anger and aggressions out on a third party. Especially if that third party is stupid enough to go up to them after the divorce and say, "I knew he was cheating".

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

 

[punkin]

Bottom line, any woman who says she wasn't aware that her husband was straying is very likely lying to save face. ALL women know when the bull isn't coming around the pasture anymore. ALL woman know when he seems to have lost interest and/or things seem different. ALL women.

You have no idea what you are talking about. Sorry.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Exactly. My sister and I share a very close relationship. It is THAT relationship I'm concerned about maintaining, not the relationship between her and her DH (whom I really don't care for).

Concerning family loyalty, don't even go there Ms. Busybody. A big part of loving a family member is stopping your own emotions long enough to discover whether the action you're about to take is for their benefit or yours. The correct choice is to put my sister's well-being above my own, even if I knew her husband was a tramp and had evidence. Until she's ready to leave the bum, there ain't nothing I can say or do that's going to do anything else except hurt my relationship with her and force a family break in the whole ensuring "choose sides" argument that would follow.

Those who preen themselves that they're so "loyal" and would go running to a family member with the least little hint of scandal aren't truly concerned about the "wronged woman". I'd have to say 99% of the time they're simply addicted to drama and want to be in the thick of it. We typically have to listen to them whine on Monday mornings when they're complaining about how they did the right thing but now everyone's mad at THEM when it was the husband that was doing the cheating.

Thank you. MTE.


Thanks for posting your stories.

Bottom line, any woman who says she wasn't aware that her husband was straying is very likely lying to save face. ALL women know when the bull isn't coming around the pasture anymore. ALL woman know when he seems to have lost interest and/or things seem different. ALL women.

Blaming someone else for not saying something is a great smoke screen and a convenient way of taking your hurt, anger and aggressions out on a third party. Especially if that third party is stupid enough to go up to them after the divorce and say, "I knew he was cheating".

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Sorry Roach, or should I say Ms. "With friends/family like you, who would need enemies?"

I disagree with the way you and some on here would handle the situation.

I know my sister and I know my family and friends and how they would react to infidelity by their spouse and I can assure you they would ALL want to know. We don't bury our heads up our butts when it comes to things like that.

I would suggest you look into yourself if you could rationalize not telling a sister about her cheating spouse because that would *hurt* her.

I think a person would hurt more knowing that everyone around them knew about the infidelity and wasn't told about it.

In my book, the only reason someone wouldn't tell is because they enjoyed that the person is being made a fool of.

So, keep patting yourself on your back and keep telling yourself how great you are for keeping your trap shut, I will continue to give the person a heads up so they can do what they have to do.

BTW, I would only tell a person if I was 100% sure about the cheating. I don't speculate about things like that.

 

[Nancyg56]

Sorry Roach, or should I say Ms. "With friends/family like you, who would need enemies?"

I disagree with the way you and some on here would handle the situation.

I know my sister and I know my family and friends and how they would react to infidelity by their spouse and I can assure you they would ALL want to know. We don't bury our heads up our butts when it comes to things like that.

I would suggest you look into yourself if you could rationalize not telling a sister about her cheating spouse because that would *hurt* her.

I think a person would hurt more knowing that everyone around them knew about the infidelity and wasn't told about it.

In my book, the only reason someone wouldn't tell is because they enjoyed that the person is being made a fool of.

So, keep patting yourself on your back and keep telling yourself how great you are for keeping your trap shut, I will continue to give the person a heads up so they can do what they have to do.

BTW, I would only tell a person if I was 100% sure about the cheating. I don't speculate about things like that.

I am not sure how anyone can know what is best for another person. I do know that when I kept the information about my future BIL to myself I was not enjoying the fact my DSIL was going to be hurt. No way! I did know that she was not going to believe me, she had shown all of us that she was blindly in love with him. If I had said anything to her seh would have felt that I was the one at fault.

I cannot say that a woman knows her husband is cheating on her but I do believe that most people know when there is something wrong and they will let you know when you can share information about their spouse. If I was asked I would not lie but I would think long and hard before charging into anothers marriage and making an acusation about a spouse.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sorry Roach, or should I say Ms. "With friends/family like you, who would need enemies?"

I disagree with the way you and some on here would handle the situation.

I know my sister and I know my family and friends and how they would react to infidelity by their spouse and I can assure you they would ALL want to know. We don't bury our heads up our butts when it comes to things like that.

I would suggest you look into yourself if you could rationalize not telling a sister about her cheating spouse because that would *hurt* her.

I think a person would hurt more knowing that everyone around them knew about the infidelity and wasn't told about it.

In my book, the only reason someone wouldn't tell is because they enjoyed that the person is being made a fool of.

So, keep patting yourself on your back and keep telling yourself how great you are for keeping your trap shut, I will continue to give the person a heads up so they can do what they have to do.

BTW, I would only tell a person if I was 100% sure about the cheating. I don't speculate about things like that.

I would tell my sister. We are very close.

As far as my 2 brothers, nope. They would consider their issues with spouse or GF's private matters and none of my business.

Blanket statements are just don't always work in most situations. There are too many factors to consider.