Cheating friend - WWYD?

[Carly_Roach]

I guess the question is what is more important:

Doing the right thing?
Or doing what's convenient/easier for you?

The "right thing" is to mind your own business and it has nothing to do with convenience or ease. It's not comfortable at all knowing what's going on, but the choice is to either be friends with the wife (and provide a lifeline in case she decides to leave) or distance yourself from both relationships.

I'd hazard a guess that 9 times out of 10 the woman who's being cheated on KNOWS ALREADY that something is wrong in her marriage. Just because she doesn't talk about it with you doesn't mean she's unaware of the loss of intimate relations or a certain coolness between them that wasn't there before.

Blaming everyone else ("I wish someone had told me") is another way to save face or excuse the action of not paying attention to her relationship or (worse) taking her relationship with her DH for granted in the first place. And 9 times out of 10, the outside person who gets involved is very sorry for saying anything at all.

Most of us who are older had to learn THAT lesson the hard way but some of us learned by watching others "Doing the right thing" by justifying their need to play marriage counselor so they could stick their nose in where it wasn't wanted. Then we had to listen to all the resulting drama about how awful it was that they were being punished by their friend for "Doing the right thing".

If it's not your marriage, not your pregnancy and not your husband, stay the hell out of it.

 

[krcit]

MYOB. Noone knows what goes on in a marriage except the 2 people in it. For all your sister knows, the wife knows that he cheats and prefers to keep her head in the sand. It happens more than you would think. Also, some people have open marriages and don't talk about it. I was in a situation with a family memeber and I had to speak up. The one being cheated on did not want to hear what I told them and it caused a strain for a long time until the marriage ended. I spoke up because I had to but wouldn't do it again.

 

[Bob NC]

I have a friend Bob. He has a g/f Susie


Apparently, Susie isnt a friend of mine so I stand pat.

Who is Pat?

 

[Frantasmic]

In times like this, I like to listen to the words my good friend Eddie Burke said. Though it was many years ago, that Eddie was a pretty good purveyor of humanity.


All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In times like this, I like to listen to the words my good friend Eddie Burke said. Though it was many years ago, that Eddie was a pretty good purveyor of humanity.


All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

Oh throwing out quotes are we....

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.
Benjamin Franklin

​

 

[FredinFL]

"Honey, if it ain't your tail, don't wag it."

 

[SaraJayne]

I am unfamiliar with prenatal protocol, having no kids of my own. It's reassuring to know they do test...or should. Do they usually test for everything?

I've had two children and unless they did it without my consent, I've never been tested for STD's during pregnancy.

 

[Carly_Roach]

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

So butting our noses into other people's personal relationships is "thwarting evil"? Not in my book.

Hitler was evil. Bubonic plague, that's evil. A dirty bomb going off in any major city killing millions, that's evil. No affordable health care in one of the most prosperous countries in the world, that's evil. Men and women throwing away their birthright of freedom for the illusion of safety, that's evil.

A guy cheating on his wife? Sorry. Not evil. Not even close.

 

[FireDancer]

I'd stay the heck out of it. I don't care what my sibling's friend's spouses do. What kind of dolt doesn't know their spouse has cheated with multiple people at multiple stages of their relationship? Not even the CIA is that good at covering their tracks.

 

[Rora]

I would mind my own business and ask them to keep me out of it.

Agreed.

This is a tough situation. I have no clue what the right thing to do is...

 

[2binak]

Op - If I was your sister, I would find a way to tell Susie. We have a friend who found out 5 years & 2 kids into his marriage, that his wife cheated on him while they were dating and for the first 6 months of their marriage, until they moved out of state. His wife reconnected with her boyfriend 4 years into the marriage and our friend & his wife are now divorced. It turned his life upside down. She moved out of state to be closer to her boyfriend and less than a year later, they too broke up. It's a nasty mess. Our friend is in treatment for depression and they are in a nasty custody battle.

These days, any doctor who wants to keep his license to practice medicine and who follows 'protocol' will have already tested for any STD's that could be a problem for the unborn baby.

Where I live, pre-natal STD testing is only done with consent from the woman. If you say it isn't necessary, they don't do it.

 

[Greenepona]

I say NOW that I wished I'd been told, but I am sorta glad I wasn't. I would never have met my wonderful Boyfriend, or grown up as much as I have, or found what I wanted in life.

My soon to be ex husband and I were married (for over 8 years. He Cheated on me for at least 3 of those years. I always took his word when i was suspicious, that he wasn't doing anything, and everyone around me knew, or had an idea. I didn't want to see it then, but looking back I do.

So My advice? don't tell her unless she asks.

Hindsight is always 20/20

 

[4greatboys]

I've had two children and unless they did it without my consent, I've never been tested for STD's during pregnancy.

They routinely check for syphilis and HIV in the prenatal panels. Dating back a while, since my oldest is 23, I'm sure syphilis was included in the panel back then. I'm not sure when HIV was added in the panel.

http://www.babycenter.com/0_common-first-trimester-blood-tests_9273.bc

 

[Ciao Mickey]

If it was my sister being cheated on and I had proof my BIL was doing the cheating, then I might (and I said might) say something to her. And even then, I'm still not sure that I would get involved at all because...

It's

none

of

my

business.

I swear I just don't get why people have such a hard time figuring out what is their business and what's not their business. If it doesn't directly have a detrimental affect (and I'm not talking about "Oh, it bothers me") on your kids, your husband or yourself, then butt out.

Friend Bob is cheating you out of money. Your business.
Friend Bob is beating up your kids. Your business.
Friend Bob is cheating on his wife. None of your business.

(I don't know if you really have a sister or not, but assuming you do then my response is as follows...)

It's none of your business that your bil is cheating on your sister?

WTH kind of relationship do you have with your sister that you would even have to think about telling her?

Where is your family loyalty?

Not only would I tell my sister that her husband is cheating on her, I would have to refrain from beating the crap out of him.

Any one that is close to me, be it family or friend, deserves to be told.

I would want to be told if my husband was screwing around behind my back and was making me look like a fool. Wouldn't you want to know?

All I know is, if the people around me knew what my husband was doing and didn't immediately tell me, that would hurt almost as much as find out about my cheating spouse...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

(I don't know if you really have a sister or not, but assuming you do then my response is as follows...)

It's none of your business that your bil is cheating on your sister?

WTH kind of relationship do you have with your sister that you would even have to think about telling her?

Where is your family loyalty?

Not only would I tell my sister that her husband is cheating on her, I would have to refrain from beating the crap out of him.

Any one that is close to me, be it family or friend, deserves to be told.

I would want to be told if my husband was screwing around behind my back and was making me look like a fool. Wouldn't you want to know?

All I know is, if the people around me knew what my husband was doing and didn't immediately tell me, that would hurt almost as much as find out about my cheating spouse...

And BAM....that is exactly why you keep your yap shut.

When someone gets the courage to come and tell you then you beat them into the dirt like it is there fault.

Cased closed.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

And BAM....that is exactly why you keep your yap shut.

When someone gets the courage to come and tell you then you beat them into the dirt like it is there fault.

Cased closed.

Did you read and understand what I wrote?

Why would I blame the person who cares enough to tell me my husband is a cheating scumbag?

I said I would be *hurt* if I find out my friends or family knew about the cheating and didn't tell me about it.

 

[pixiefairy]

I had a situation like this years ago involving my best friend and her husband. Her husband emailed another friend in our group...making inappropriate comments and trying to get her to meet up with him while the other friend was pregnant with her dd. She told us (myself and one other close friend) and we agonized over telling her. My best friend was so in love with her dh and none of us really liked him...so we figured if we told her, she might think we were trying to cause strife in their marriage and the fall out would be on our heads...and we'd risk losing her as a friend. So we collectively decided to keep out of it. Other friend did not act on anything and in fact felt it was thoroughly disgusting.

A few years later, my best friend and her husband separated for other reasons and after their divorce was filed, the three of us decided we should tell her. In hindsight, she did say she wished we had told her, however, she did agree that she might have thought we were sabotaging their relationship due to our dislike of her ex.

Because she is like my sister, it killed me to not tell her, but she needed to come to the decision herself.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Did you read and understand what I wrote?

Why would I blame the person who cares enough to tell me my husband is a cheating scumbag?

I said I would be *hurt* if I find out my friends or family knew about the cheating and didn't tell me about it.

Because people do? I don't understand why it is like that but it just is.

There is some weird psychological dynamic that goes between the "confessor" and the "victim".

It is like until the "victim" is "ready to see" they get mad at the confessor. Because when you go to your spouse and then they deny it, you believe your spouse because you do not want it to be true.

 

[ilovepcot]

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

No! In this case that's a nice little ditty to use when you attempt to justify being a busybody.

 

[hambirg]

I would stay out of it. Chances are she already knows.

This is EXACTLY what I was going to say.