Cell phones and relationships/marriage

[lisaviolet]

I'm a little sad I missed this spectacle though. Sounds like a magnificent people watching experience

I'm an absolutely unabashed lover of people watching. But trust me, this became very uncomfortable, very quickly.

 

[Robinrs]

I'm not sure this was about the difference between men and women. It is more likely about the difference in high strung people who always need to be connected and those that don't.

In your question about hurting relationships I don't think it is really technology that does that, it is distractions. Technology just happens to be the vehicle for the distraction. I do think that if either party of a relationship ignores the other when they are supposed to be together it can (and probably will) be a problem but that isn't the technology's fault. It is the person misusing it.

I don't check work email at home and don't answer calls or emails from work while on vacation ever. If there is an emergency that I absolutely have to deal with there are people I work with who can get a hold of me but those are few and far between. When I see or hear of people who drag their work home regularly or check emails and take calls on vacation (outside of rare emergencies of course) I do feel bad for them and even more so for their families. They deserve your attention when it comes to family time but I don't blame the technology, I blame the person overly attached to it.

I somewhat agree.

I don't like being totally accessible to people, never have. I don't like talking on the phone, either, so texting and emails work for me. I hate it when people have a fit when they can't reach me... maybe I don't WANT to be reached???

My BF likes the accessibility. He grew up with the technology and think it's just a part of life. I didn't and don't. My son texts me nonstop... I think the over accessibility is a part of what causes that tirade at the gym..

 

[lisaviolet]

I'm not sure this was about the difference between men and women. It is more likely about the difference in high strung people who always need to be connected and those that don't.

In your question about hurting relationships I don't think it is really technology that does that, it is distractions. Technology just happens to be the vehicle for the distraction. I do think that if either party of a relationship ignores the other when they are supposed to be together it can (and probably will) be a problem but that isn't the technology's fault. It is the person misusing it.

I don't check work email at home and don't answer calls or emails from work while on vacation ever. If there is an emergency that I absolutely have to deal with there are people I work with who can get a hold of me but those are few and far between. When I see or hear of people who drag their work home regularly or check emails and take calls on vacation (outside of rare emergencies of course) I do feel bad for them and even more so for their families. They deserve your attention when it comes to family time but I don't blame the technology, I blame the person overly attached to it.

Okay. Thanks for the perspective, FireDancer. Appreciated.

As for men/women - I do feel that there are differences in processing emotional situations - and needs in those times. Of course, there are men and women who don't fit the stereotype. But nonetheless, I do think it's different.

 

[Granny square]

My thoughts exactly. DH and I text more than we talk, especially if I have a specific question. I know he'll always respond when he can, so if he didn't pick up or text back in an hour I'd assume he was busy.

A little different than knowing someone just chooses not to respond.

 

[lisaviolet]

I think the over accessibility is a part of what causes that tirade at the gym..

Robin succinctly saying what I was trying to get at. That's exactly my issue with it all.

Thanks for entering my brain, Robin and sorting it all out.

 

[lisaviolet]

. My son texts me nonstop...

Cute.

 

[jrmasm]

No, I don't think so. I suspect without cell phones, the fight would have still taken place. Some people are just really needy.

 

[lisaviolet]

A little different than knowing someone just chooses not to respond.

But here's what I'm getting at. Sometimes space is needed to quiet down a situation. Sometimes. And that's where I think cell phones are causing an ability to instantly overreact, not think things through and not see one's responsibility in something and the often difficult *other side*. But of course it depends on the personality as well, I guess.

I guess at 46 - I'm a much calmer, happier, more giving and definitely fairer person. I can't even imagine the crap I might have caused with a cell phone at different, more immature, points in my life. ---- to have such instant access and reaction.

 

[FireDancer]

No, I don't think so. I suspect without cell phones, the fight would have still taken place. Some people are just really needy.

Yes. Needy is exactly what I would use to describe anyone who needs to have immediate access to their significant other at all times. Either that or controlling.

OP, I'm not sure what you are getting at with the men vs women aspect. I've seen needy and controlling members of both genders.

 

[tvguy]

If not answering a cellphone call is enough to hurt your relationship is wasn't long for this world anyway. There are times I don't have my phone on me or just don't feel like answering it so I don't. This shouldn't be a problem for any rational, normal human being to deal with. I'll eventually return the call.

Everyone is different.
The whole reason we have cell phones is to get ahold of each other immediately. Friends, work, sales people don't have our cell phone number, they can call our landline. I think almost every family emergency from auto accidents, to illnesses, to deaths has been communicated over a cell phone in the past 23 years. Not feeling like answering it doesn't cut it in our house. We all have landlines at home and work, if it isn't urgent we call that number.

I should probably explain why our mindset is this way. I have worked odd hours for 33 years, so I often sleep odd times. Past 4 years DW has worked odd hours too. The cell phone allows us to be reachable in an emergency, and the land line allows us to be left a message that can be dealt with later without our sleep being disturbed since we turn off the ringer and turn down the volume on the answering machine when we sleep.

 

[jrmasm]

But here's what I'm getting at. Sometimes space is needed to quiet down a situation. Sometimes. And that's where I think cell phones are causing an ability to instantly overreact, not think things through and not see one's responsibility in something and the often difficult *other side*. But of course it depends on the personality as well, I guess.

I guess at 46 - I'm a much calmer, happier, more giving and definitely fairer person. I can't even imagine the crap I might have caused with a cell phone at different, more immature, points in my life. ---- to have such instant access and reaction.

What about answering machines? Email? Regular old telephones? There were plenty of ways to ignore people way before cell phones.

For me this is like saying Facebook causes drama. No, people cause drama.

 

[Granny square]

But here's what I'm getting at. Sometimes space is needed to quiet down a situation. Sometimes. And that's where I think cell phones are causing an ability to instantly overreact, not think things through and not see one's responsibility in something and the often difficult *other side*. But of course it depends on the personality as well, I guess.

I guess at 46 - I'm a much calmer, happier, more giving and definitely fairer person. I can't even imagine the crap I might have caused with a cell phone at different, more immature, points in my life. ---- to have such instant access and reaction.

At that point it is respectful to say "I need my time" I'll call in blank amount of time or we will talk over dinner. BUT relationships are five and take and just like one partner might need space if he/she cares about the other partner they should be willing to see the other's needs/wants too.

Neither should ignore the needs of the other.

Jmo

Eta: lol, life is far calmer at 49!

 

[lisaviolet]

Yes. Needy is exactly what I would use to describe anyone who needs to have immediate access to their significant other at all times. Either that or controlling.

OP, I'm not sure what you are getting at with the men vs women aspect. I've seen needy and controlling members of both genders.

Of course there are needy and controlling members of both sexes. Agreed.

I'm talking how men/women process emotions. But I guess we disagree that there is a difference. I think women, in general, have a greater tendency to go on and on getting the emotions out. Do any men do that? Of course they do. But at this age of experience - it's my female friends and family that do this more - meaning talk it out - not any of my male ones even if they are completely involved in the argument or even started the discussion.

I also think women, in general, have less of an ability to let things go.

 

[lisaviolet]

Neither should ignore the needs of the other.

Jmo

Agreed. Easier said than done but agreed.

 

[lisaviolet]

What about answering machines? Email? Regular old telephones? There were plenty of ways to ignore people way before cell phones.

For me this is like saying Facebook causes drama. No, people cause drama.

But you highlighted me. Back in those days I had space to calm myself down (and still do as I don't use a cell often). And I was in a time with no answering machines as well. That's my point. But yes people cause drama.

 

[AuroraSheasMom]

I find cell phones and technology to be helpful for my relationship. My DH works over 2 hours away in a rural area for much of the week. While we do talk occasionally throughout the day, we usually text-especially if its just a quick message or question, nothing of a pressing nature needing an immediate response. Since he also misses many events, such as softball and basketball games or chorus performances, I will often record it on my phone and message it to him so he can at least feel somewhat included in DD's activities. I absolutely love text messaging and the ability it gives us to be connected without actually talking on the phone, as DH doesn't have necessarily enjoy having long conversations and it allows me to send pics and texts to him and not be distracted by a conversation while watching a tied score, bottom of the 5th inning, 2 outs, bases loaded ball game.

However, neither one of us believe in using Facebook as the vehicle with which we profess our love or air our grievances through. I find it to be utterly distasteful when couples complain about their spouse to get sympathy or when one posts comments that are way too personal to be put out in a public forum.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, I know they are here to stay.

But I was privy to a meltdown in my gym today. It really was a meltdown. A woman was having a huge fight - yelling and crying, by phone, with her husband - while working out. (laughing at the while working out only - the fight was ugly and very personal). And without saying too much - part of the argument was "you ignored my calls for over an hour - just admit it!".

I'm sorry but I was shocked over the statement. I guess I just think everyone needs some personal space at times whether they love another or not. And it must be greatly lessened by technology of course. And it got me to thinking - "have cell phones hurt relationships?"

(My gym is a private gym in a condo so happened to be not crowded at the time - but surprised she didn't care nonethess)

While working out?

There are just more ways to "tick off" or "love" people these days.

Everything really is dependent on the person or couple and how respectful the parties are to each other.

 

[Art 1]

Of course there are needy and controlling members of both sexes. Agreed.

I'm talking how men/women process emotions. But I guess we disagree that there is a difference. I think women, in general, have a greater tendency to go on and on getting the emotions out. Do any men do that? Of course they do. But at this age of experience - it's my female friends and family that do this more - meaning talk it out - not any of my male ones even if they are completely involved in the argument or even started the discussion.

I also think women, in general, have less of an ability to let things go.

Ya think?

 

[Colleen27]

I do think that in a sense they have. I think there's something to the idea that "absence makes the heart grow fonder", not to mention the old standard that "familiarity breeds contempt". Keeping in touch all day long undermines the desire to talk and reconnect in the evenings when you're face-to-face, so impersonal remote conversation comes to replace more intimate in-person conversation to some degree. And a constant connection makes it hard to impose any space or cooling-off time after an argument; if one person walks away to calm down, the other has the temptation of 'blowing up' the phone and/or leaving nasty voice mail or text messages that they might come to regret.

 

[Granny square]

Ya think?

Maybe!