Can't stop fighting about the in-laws

[Deparfea]

I just don't know what to do anymore. Dh and I can't stop fighting about our relationship with his parents. I am at the end of my rope. I feel so unsupported by him. His mother is so nasty towards me (long history there), and dh refuses to defend me to her because he says, "what's the point?". She is never wrong, in her opinion of course, and she defends herself until the cows come home. He thinks there's no point arguing with her, because we'll just go in circles. He admits she is very disturbed and has a lot of serious issues, but feels helpless to do anything to help.

His silence feels like a betrayal to me. We went to therapy, but it didn't work. I just feel so alone. It seems so unfair that she says and does whatever she wants to me, but I have to suck it up and say nothing to defend myself for fear of starting another big fight. We don't even see the in-laws very often (probably once a month), but those visits are absolute torture for me. We've talked about me just ending my relationship with them completely and never see them anymore, but wouldn't that open up a whole other can of worms/problems?

Does anyone out there have any success stories pertaining to relationships with their in-laws? Can a bad relationship ever get better? I'm worried about my marriage.

 

[turkeymama]

I wouldn't let in-laws jeopardize my marriage, especially if your DH admits that MIL has issues and is disturbed. Unless absolutely necessary, I would cut out visits for now. There is no law saying you have to be involved with them or see them on a regular basis.

I don't know if I've ever shared my in-law stories on here, but trust me when I tell you, things could always be worse. The secrets that have been kept from DH and me would make your head spin. I limit my contact when possible.

 

[Jillpie]

My burning question to you is why in the world are you doing this once a month?? Why are you putting yourself through that, and better yet, why is your husband putting you through all that? You've got the power to make a change. Don't go to their house any longer, period. If your husband wants to see his parents, wonderful. Say have a blast. But please, for the love of God, don't you go. It doesn't make sense.

 

[Gigi22]

Agreed. There are two reactions to a threat/stress, fight or flight. If you are in a position where you can't fight, then your only remaining option is flight.
Don't see the woman again. As of right now. Oh, and don't make excuses either. If you must say something a simple, "I don't want to see you any more," is enough.

 

[minkydog]

IMO, your problem is not your MIL--it's your husband. What he is doing is very disrespectful to you. I understand that he doesn't want to take on his mother--he may be somewhat afraid of her. But you don't throw your wife under the bus. He needs to man up and be your defender. And you need to put *your* foot down and stop going over there. So what if it causes more grief. Don't you think there's a lot of grief going on now? I mean, whats the worst that she could do--stop speaking to you? sounds like a plan...

 

[luvmy3]

You should stop visiting them, and your dh should support your decision. If your MIL questions why, tell her the truth and leave it at that.

Op, do you have kids? I only ask because if my kids knew that grandma treated me like that and dad did nothing to stop it I'd have some real issues with my marriage. For your sake I hope thats not the case for you.

 

[mom of 3G's]

Cut them out of your life. I have had issues with my FIL and I decided that for me to be truly happy I needed to sever the relationship. I will be cordial to him when he says "Hi" but if i see that it's him calling on the caller ID I will not answer and I don't make a point of holding a conversation with him -- just an occasional "hello" when we are in a room together. I have to say I am much happier and my husband fully supports my decision.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Hmm, this is a no win situation. Right now you are fighting with your MIL and you are fighting with your DH... his Mother is ruining the poor guys life. Why give her that much power? If your MIL is bent on making you miserable she will be successful no matter what if you give her any room in your life so don't giver her any room. Please keep in mind, your DH didn't choose her I'm sure he'd like an easier person as his Mom but she is what he got and there is no changing that. Even so, he has apparently made peace with her disturbed behavior for the sake of keeping his mother in his life. Try not to put him in a position where it becomes an ultimatum between you & her because in the end the only person hurt is your DH. Fighting with a spouse is a horror but losing parent is no less tragic. Since these visits aren't too frequent why not skip them and get your hair done or something else nice instead. Sure, she'll carry on anyway but so what, you won't have to be the one hearing her. At least that will be a one sided argument and you and your DH will be able to skip the drama home. Even better, she will finally have something valid to complain about

My own MIL who lives next door can get under my skin too but when she does I just get up and leave the room, sometimes I leave the house altogether. When DH comes looking for me I tell him I put myself in a mental health 'time out, he knows she's a pill so he respects my need to time out. Try one for yourself... they are very enjoyable: )

 

[Planogirl]

Quit going to visit! If this opens up a new can of worms as you said, it will be your DH's problem not yours. There is no reason for you to put up with this.

 

[shortbun]

I agree with everyone else. Stop going to your in-laws. Tell your husband they are his parents and he's in charge of visiting them because the conditions are unmanageable.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

At this point, I would not be concerned about a new can of worms.

Per your observations and feelings, she is extremely toxic to you. No way, no how would I put up with it.

Many people feel when they marry, that they marry the family as well. Ummm--not me.

**my family is not like this--so this is what my thoughts would be if it were...
I didn't not say vows to my inlaws and if my DH recognized that I was treated in a poor way but figures there is nothing to do about it--there is no reason for me to put up with the behavior. No more phone calls, no more visits, no more nothing. Of course DH would be welcome to go and visit his MIL on her own turf...but that is all.

I find what your DH is saying to be disturbing and rather wimpy if it is true that he realizes what she is doing and then does nothing, says nothing, and continues to submit you to it.

Time to take matters into your own hands. You are not obligated to have any type of relationship with her including visiting her. End it now!

 

[Christine]

So, you've been in therapy?

I'm real interested in what the therapist had to say about this. Any decent therapist would have ripped your husband over his behavior and/or guided you to stop visiting. I'm thinking that didn't happen?

 

[lovemylife]

I just wanted to say that I feel sorry for you to be put in that situation. My family has not seen my DH in about 5 years. Why? Because they belittle him and treat him like dirt. I said something to them to stop it because it did hurt me too to see him treated like that. Finally, we decided that he didn't have to see them anymore. I still see them once in a while, since they are my parents, but he does not. My family doesn't even go out of the way to call here to talk to us or when in the neighborhood, stop over, but I have to be the one to do it all.
I feel that you stop seeing them and if they ask why, your DH needs to explain that it is because of the way you have been treated in the past, every time you see your MIL.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I just don't know what to do anymore. Dh and I can't stop fighting about our relationship with his parents. I am at the end of my rope. I feel so unsupported by him. His mother is so nasty towards me (long history there), and dh refuses to defend me to her because he says, "what's the point?". She is never wrong, in her opinion of course, and she defends herself until the cows come home. He thinks there's no point arguing with her, because we'll just go in circles. He admits she is very disturbed and has a lot of serious issues, but feels helpless to do anything to help.

His silence feels like a betrayal to me. We went to therapy, but it didn't work. I just feel so alone. It seems so unfair that she says and does whatever she wants to me, but I have to suck it up and say nothing to defend myself for fear of starting another big fight. We don't even see the in-laws very often (probably once a month), but those visits are absolute torture for me. We've talked about me just ending my relationship with them completely and never see them anymore, but wouldn't that open up a whole other can of worms/problems?

Does anyone out there have any success stories pertaining to relationships with their in-laws? Can a bad relationship ever get better? I'm worried about my marriage.

For starters, stop fighting about your inlaws. That is step one.

Second step is to tell your dh that since he cannot support you when you are attacked then you are no longer going to be going over there, period, the end.

Yes, the fallout may be harsh and who knows what is going to happen. However fearing the fallout is not a good enough excuse to endure abuse from someone.

The fact you go back for another beating and your dh thinks it is OK, is not good.

So make some decisions, tell your dh the deal and then go from there.

 

[VAN]

Oh, I agree with everyone.

You are allowing the abuse to happen and then blaming your DH for it. YOU need to stop putting yourself in harms way. Your DH has acknowledged the flaws in his parents, so leave it at that and stop interaction with them as much as possible.

You are not going to change your in-laws and your DH has accepted that and has acknowledged that. NOW you just need to stop fighting with them and just be the adult one and bow out of a no-win situation.

Focus on your marriage and forget the in-laws!

Your DH will continue to see them but that doesn't mean he doesn't like what they do and don't take it as a personal affront against you. Let him have a relationship with his parents, but also let him know that you've had enough.

If you do find yourself around them, be polite. If they start in, then just get up and leave. It is hard to continue a fight with someone who chooses not to participate.

It is not YOU ... THEY are the ones with the problem and they will just have to find a new punching bag because, you need to make the decision that it is not going to be you anymore.

TAKE CHARGE and be strong. Just as you would remove a child from a bad situation, you need to remove YOURSELF from this one.

If you want your marriage to continue, you need to do this!

 

[SydSim]

My MIL was nice in the beginning, mean when we got serious (telling strangers that I was trying to "buy" my way into her family because I took her to see him in one of his shows - she was broke, he was sad that she had never come to see him in a show, so I thought it was a win/win situation. NOT), snotty when we got married, indifferent when we had a child and is now a sweet, loving mother, MIL and Nana. I've been happily married for 16 years.

When she became mean, all of my older, female friends said "Don't ever say anything wrong about his mama", so I followed their advice and DH never even knew that she treated me this way. I stopped visiting her (but never stopped him). Always encouraged him to take Dd to visit as well.

We never fought about her, and he loves his mama! I held my tongue, took myself out of the situation and guess what, he started to see how crazy she was behaving towards me! Since I didn't prompt him, he actually started saying things to her about her behavior (ya know how men can be sometimes - if you tell them to do something, they get in a snit, not wanting to be told. If you don't tell them, they're more likely to do something - go figure)

He may know that even if he tells his mother to be nice, her behavior won't change and she'll be angry at him! Either way, she probably won't change her behavior towards you, so he'd just as soon stay out of it.

And that's all I have to say about that.

 

[Frantasmic]

You mention his parents in the first part of your post, but the rest is all about your MIL. How do you get along with your FIL? Are the same issues you have with your husband the same ones you have with his father?

I.E., has the family just learned to cope with her behaviour knowing it will blow over or it is just easier to acquiese to her?

One of the previous posters also stated that you give her tremendous power by letting her actions define you.

Does she treat her son and husband similar to how she treats you?

The point is that if they have all managed let her treatment of others get a free pass all these years, then you won't have much chance of changing her at this late date. As others have said, you don't have to visit her. If she's going to have the same opinion of you whether you are nice to her or not, it benefits you to be nice and not give her any other ammunition.

Where does your spouse fit in in that family (only son, oldest son, middle, baby, etc.)?

 

[gottaluvPluto]

Do we have the same MIL? Your DH is right, she won't change if you say something, it will only make it worse. We tried. Anyway, I just ignore her and then explain to the kids that grandma has some mental issues. For my situation, the MIL wants to cause trouble in our relationship, don't give her that power.

OH! This past year, when my MIL makes some nasty comments, I give my DH a hug or a kiss. It has actually shut her up a few times. Good luck with your MIL.

 

[Sugardimples]

I would tell DH that he can visit anytime we wants but that I would not be joining him. I choose not to cooperate in my own abuse.

 

[DMRick]

This is all good advice. Nothing to add to it, except in the 4th paragraph, I think the poster meant that that doesn't "mean he likes what they do and don't take it as a personal affront against you.."

You most likely won't win, in the fights you are having with your husband, so I would follow the below advice. You don't have to be treated badly, if you aren't around her. If you are around her, keep it zipped and let her look like the nasty person you say she is.

Oh, I agree with everyone.

You are allowing the abuse to happen and then blaming your DH for it. YOU need to stop putting yourself in harms way. Your DH has acknowledged the flaws in his parents, so leave it at that and stop interaction with them as much as possible.

You are not going to change your in-laws and your DH has accepted that and has acknowledged that. NOW you just need to stop fighting with them and just be the adult one and bow out of a no-win situation.

Focus on your marriage and forget the in-laws!

Your DH will continue to see them but that doesn't mean he doesn't like what they do and don't take it as a personal affront against you. Let him have a relationship with his parents, but also let him know that you've had enough.

If you do find yourself around them, be polite. If they start in, then just get up and leave. It is hard to continue a fight with someone who chooses not to participate.

It is not YOU ... THEY are the ones with the problem and they will just have to find a new punching bag because, you need to make the decision that it is not going to be you anymore.

TAKE CHARGE and be strong. Just as you would remove a child from a bad situation, you need to remove YOURSELF from this one.

If you want your marriage to continue, you need to do this!