Can't stop fighting about the in-laws

[OceanAnnie]

I agree with the pps. You can't change people. But you can change your reaction to them.

Be your own best friend.

 

[Deparfea]

Wow - thanks so much for all the fantastic responses. I was feeling so low last night, and it truly helps reading all your advice and opinions. A few years ago, I did remove myself from my in-laws completely. I think it lasted for one year or so. I did like aspects of this decision, but it also meant that I was forbidden to see the rest of dh's family. Dh was miserable as lots of questions were asked of him, and I must admit that I was sad about not seeing some other members of his family. I gradually decided to come back for holidays and just ignore MIL wherever possible. Today, we are right back where we started. I take ownership in the fact that I let it happen.

The rest of the family just roll their eyes at MIL when she says her outlandish comments. She says outlandish things to me, but there are also personal insults and biting comments directed at me due to our history. That's the difference between how MIL treats me versus the rest of the family. Dh just wishes I could roll my eyes like the rest of the family, but I have tried to explain that the cutting remarks directed at me are hurtful. He says he understands and agrees with it, but he just wants me to let it roll off my back nonetheless.

I'm feeling more focused today and will take all your thoughts and comments into account and really think about what needs to be done. Thanks a million.

 

[ICF]

You're an adult...quit going over there if it leads to fights or speak your mind to her if it makes you feel better. Tell her you dont appreciate the way she treats you and as such you wont be coming over with your husband anymore to see her.

The husband is a tough place to try to have to defend each of the women in his life to each other. He's in a no win situation....espcially if his mother is actually 'disturbed' as was described.

 

[luvavacation]

I have been married for 20 years, and my MIL was the exact same way - she had nothing nice to say to me or about me, ever. She did not get along with my FIL, and since he actually really liked me, she did not. I almost divorced my DH because it hurt me so bad that he didn't seem to care enough about our marriage to defend me when his mom was being awful.

Really, for me, that was the crux of it, the fact that my husband did no defend me, because he didn't think it would change anything, and he would rather have me upset and hurt than to stand up to his mom. She treated him like the sun rose and set upon him, he was so wonderful, but even our children were treated poorly by her, because hey, they came from me! He didn't stand up to her, even when she was mean to our children. It just wasn't worth it to him. This made me feel like me and our children were just not worth it to him, either.

Eventually, I just didn't go to see her anymore, and did not let our children go to see her, either. It still hurts me that my DH did not stand up to her, but after 20 years of marriage, I suppose his other redeeming qualities have helped me push down that hurt and not constantly beg him to tell his mom to stop being mean to me and our children.

One and a half years ago, my MIL had a couple of strokes that she did recover from. Now, she is incredibly nice to me and our children! It is as if all the words and actions of the previous 18 years never happened. I don't mind answering the phone now if she happens to call, and the kicker, she has set up savings accounts for our children this past year and also paid some of eldest DD's college tuition! Sure, she did this for all the other grandchildren since the day they were born, but I am thrilled she is acknowledging my children now, when she never did before. I would have been happy even if she had just started being nice to them, but she has gone beyond that, and I am still amazed at the change.

I suppose what I am trying to say is, things can change. They may not, but you just never know. You may feel like your husband isn't holding your worth above his mother's, but if he has other qualities that are still there from when you married him, focus on those redeeming qualities. Yes, you are hurt, it is so painful to feel that your spouse is not protecting you from the hurt his family is causing. Try to remove yourself from his family, and see if that can help you clear the cloud of disappointment you have in your husband right now, and perhaps then you will be able to focus on whatever positives are in your marriage. Sadly, accepting that he will not change is going to be incredibly hard, and very hurtful and disappointing, but if your marriage is strong otherwise, you will be able to put this aside.

And as I always told myself (after I entertained the thought of divorcing my DH because he didn't stand up for me), leaving DH would be the one thing that would make the MIL happy, so there was no way I would give her that satisfaction!

 

[agnes!]

Wow - thanks so much for all the fantastic responses. I was feeling so low last night, and it truly helps reading all your advice and opinions. A few years ago, I did remove myself from my in-laws completely. I think it lasted for one year or so. I did like aspects of this decision, but it also meant that I was forbidden to see the rest of dh's family.

Ummmmm...you were forbidden? Exactly how was this accomplished?

Dh was miserable as lots of questions were asked of him, and I must admit that I was sad about not seeing some other members of his family. I gradually decided to come back for holidays and just ignore MIL wherever possible. Today, we are right back where we started. I take ownership in the fact that I let it happen.

The rest of the family just roll their eyes at MIL when she says her outlandish comments. She says outlandish things to me, but there are also personal insults and biting comments directed at me due to our history. That's the difference between how MIL treats me versus the rest of the family. Dh just wishes I could roll my eyes like the rest of the family, but I have tried to explain that the cutting remarks directed at me are hurtful. He says he understands and agrees with it, but he just wants me to let it roll off my back nonetheless.

I'm feeling more focused today and will take all your thoughts and comments into account and really think about what needs to be done. Thanks a million.

Ok. I'll say it...your MIL is really a true witch, she won't be happy unless she thinks she's making others miserable and the family enables her behavior plus she seems to take special delight in torturing you. As other have said, she won't change, so you have to decide what you can do to make the situation with her bearable for you. Let your DH go for visits as often as he likes, keep your visits to a minimum. Consider taking two cars, so when she starts in on you, if your DH won't go to bat for you, accept that fact but you can then (if you've decided that this is what you're going to do) quietly and calmly get up and LEAVE. You do NOT have to stand there and take her abuse. YOu could also, when she starts in on you, chuckle like she's a child and say something like "Oh, bless your heart" and change the subject. If you can steel yourself to not allow your hurt feelings to show, it will drive her CRAZY...well, crazier. If you decide to stay, practice laughing at home so when you chuckle or smile or laugh (at her, your behavior will seem sincere. I am telling you, you will then have the satisfaction of watching her start to boil over.

If Disney Doll happen along, she always has some good advice about how to deal with mean/nasty/power-trippin'/rude in-laws.

I'm glad that you're feeling better, hope you have a clearer head about how you'd like things to proceed. Whatever you decide, having a plan will take away a lot of the hurt & anxiety that you have about this situation. Also, your DH must be on-board about how *your* nuclear-family will interact with his relatives from now on.

agnes!

 

[Planogirl]

I'm wondering how you were forbidden to see other family members too. How was that accomplished exactly?

It's too bad if your DH is unhappy when you don't go. He should do something to relieve that unhappiness then.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, BTDT..... I know how you feel!!!!

I think most here are on the right track with their advice.

If you husband admits to you that he realizes his mother is in the wrong and has issues... Then, really, you have no battle. And, in a way, your DH is right... Confrontation is not always the answer. And, in your situation, I think this is the case.

While you feel slighted and hurt and want to fight back and duke it out... and you want your husband to defend you.... There really is no reason. Your husband only sees his mother once every few weeks.... And, really, I see no need to choose this battle. Your husband has admitted that his mother is in the wrong... And, really, you need to let that be enough and let it go.

Like I said, I am speaking from very similar experience.
But, in my case, my husband (as an only child who was too close to his overinvolved parents) could NEVER see that his parents were wrong. His parents, as the worst Narcissists that I have ever personally known, like your MIL, simply could NEVER be 'wrong'. My husband expected (as in no discussion or compromise) that we see his parents every single weekend/holiday/etc... etc.. etc...

Honey, let me tell you... If your husband is on your side, that is all you need!!! Remember that, no matter what, she IS his mother, and he is simply not choosing to completely severe their relationship. So, give him that.... One visit, without you if necessary, should not be enough to be a problem. Just let it go...

If you choose to make this molehill a problem, just realize that you are choosing this battle, and it does not bode well for you and your relationship with your husband.

Again, I know how you are feeling....

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: it is just occurring to me that, perhaps, there are other areas where you feel that your husband is not 'with you', or 'behind you', or supporting and defending you... Which could be making this one situation with your MIL the kicker....

If that is true, then you need to really think about why you feel so strongly about this, and have a talk with your husband about this larger issue...

If it truly is just this situation with your MIL, you need to decide if you truly want this to be a battle that could come between you and your husband in a big way.
The title of your thread is "Can't stop fighting about the inlaws"....
Simple answer, do NOT choose this battle.
There really is no need!

Hope this helps!

 

[Kitzka]

I will say that i have not read any of the replies (will go back and do that when i am on a break from work) but why are you putting up with her and her behavior? the person with the issues and the problem is her. I say stop seeing her. Why does your husband feel the need to see his mom once a month?! Esp when he seems to agree with you assement of her.

I can share my situation and hope that will help. My MIL is an old bigoted woman. Raised her son and daughter in a small town in PA that she hated. made her kids feel as if they were inferior to other children because they were not what she wanted. the moment he could her son (my DH) left. During college he only made the 9 hour journey home for 12 hours during Christmas, thanksgiving and maybe 1 day here or there in the summer.

2 years after college he told his parents he was seriously dating me. they wanted to meet me. I not being the lilly white girl she imagined her son dating hated me for no reason than my race. For the next 2 years i was referred to as "the Asian" around this time her daughter started dating a very nice Jewish boy. Well, apparently being Jewish was worse than being Asian because he became the hated one. She use to spit venom about him and what he stood for (um what does he stand for? he was a 22 year old kid going to law school!)

DH and I become engaged. She is furious and does not attend the luncheon we have for our families to meet. 3 months into our engagement i find out i am pregnant. DH to be tells his parents. His mom says "We raised you better than this." (We had been together for 4 years at this point) we decide to hold the wedding after the baby comes. She does nto attend the baby shower or the wedding shower. Does not come to meet her first grandchild until said child is 3 months old. Does attend the wedding but throws a fit during the ceremony when she finds out that we have a JP and not a minister.and is upset that we hvae included our daughter in the ceremony.

I will admit that i am not the pleasing type and never tried to make her like me. i wasn't fake sweet or nice. i was just me. we invited her to dinner, went to their house, etc. It was never a pleasant trip. Questions arose such as 'were we going to raise our daughter as an oriental." What would happen to the family when her daughter married a jew?(um what does that even mean?). I wasn't a good enough mom, i wasn't a good enough wife. how come i didn't cook more american foods? comments that my husband (her son) was fat.

I never put up with any of her crap and would defend myself. she is very passive agressive and would argue but not really. One time we were at thanksgiving at my sister in law's in laws (aka her husband's parent's house). they live on a beautiful lake and the dining room look out onto the lake. MIL has brought a nut bread to eat with dinner. She was thanked but my BIL and his father nor was it passed down to their end of the table. Turns out they are very allergic to nuts. but when the hostess tried to tactfully say she wasn't going to pass it down to them and that they were allergic she freaked out about not being appreciated. threw the bread towards the lake and left.

Okay so this is a long way to say my mother in law sucks. She is not a good grandmother to my daugther (when her daughter had children she quit her job and will go and spend 2 weeks a month with them. she rents a little efficency apt near them. i live 40 mins from my SIL and when she is here visiting the other grandchildren she will not visit my daughter. does not even ask to see my daugther. unless my newphew or neice are otherwise engaged. How does a 10 year old feel when grandma calls and says "K, I can't see E and H today. So i am free to hang out with you." My child will not be your safety grand kid!)


My MIL is just not a nice person. I am fortuante that my husband knows this and we do not see them very often at all. maybe 3-4 times a year? this is inspite of the fact they spend about 2 weeks a month in the area (about 20 mins from where we live). My FIL is lovely but my MIL is toxic and i don't want that around my daughter.

So, i am saying that you should nto go visit her. if your husband goes that is his thing but it doesn't have to be yours.

Sorry this was so long! Buti dealt with her verbal abuse of my husband and her bigotry of my race for too long before i said enough!

Lara

 

[Wishing on a star]

About not being able to see other members of DH's family....

Hey, you are all adults...
If they let her control them, and refuse to see you (outside of you going to her place with her behaviors) then that is THEIR choice. Or if your DH refuses to have your family occasionally socialize without it being under his mother's thumb, with her behaviors... Then that is HIS decision.

It is what it is....

I will say, very simply, there is no way that I would subject myself to this situation just in order to 'see' other people who do not wish to meet halfway. It it is their decision to NOT see you, because of your MIL..... then so be it.

If they, and your husband, wish to occasionally see each other and socialize, then great... But, if not, realize that this is THEIR decision, not yours.

Again, you can't 'force' anything.
You can't force your DH into confrontation.
I agree with him that, with her issues, this would just be painful and fruitless.
You can't force the other family members to see you.
And, I really wouldn't want to force myself on seeing them.

I would advise you to choose your battles....

Personally, my DH seeing his family once every few weeks might not be a battle that I would let cost my marriage. Your husband does see your side!!! Let that be enough.

 

[Deparfea]

I wasn't forbidden in a dramatic sense from seeing the rest of the family. The inlaws simply told dh that if I chose not to see them anymore, than I was no longer welcome to join other big family events. We live far enough away from dh's family, that we couldn't see extended family on a separate occasion since we only get to their area for special occasions. It may have been different if we lived closer, but even then we both felt it would put the extended family in an uncomfortable position.

Dh does support me in one sense. He agrees that his mother has issues. Also, I'm almost to the point where I understand why he doesn't defend me to her. It would accomplish nothing, and just cause even more tension between everyone. What is still bothering me tremendously is what he says to me in private. Instead of being supportive and saying that he's sorry I had to turn the other cheek yet again, he instead tells me how he thinks I SHOULD have reacted differently. He'll say that I was a bit too abrupt or sharp in my reaction, whereas he would have preferred if I just walked away or changed the subject. He says that I can't expect her to like me (or be civil to me), if I sharply say anything to her in my defense. To me, he's basically telling me to roll over and play dead.

As some of you have pointed out, I am an adult and I shouldn't put myself through this anymore. I agree with you. I'm probably wrong for being angry at dh and should have more sympathy for him being stuck in the middle. I'm just not there yet. I'm sick and tired of having to change my behavior while MIL can say and do whatever she wants. I realize that I could always just not see her anymore, but I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to that for dh's sake. Thanks for all your replies as it helps tremendously.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Your MIL is a piece of work. I would still eliminate her from my life.

And if my DH even remotely tried to force a relationship, I would have to reevaluate whether or not he truly meant his wedding vows the day he married me.

Your husband is only "stuck in the middle" b/c he allows you to be abused by her. There is no need to sympathize with him when he allows such emotional abuse to affect you and refuses to do anything about it.

Sorry to be blunt--but if what you say is true about the MIL--your DH is an active participant in that abuse by reflecting only on you and what you are doing wrong.

You being nicer does not stop the abuse, does it?

 

[Inigo]

I wasn't forbidden in a dramatic sense from seeing the rest of the family. The inlaws simply told dh that if I chose not to see them anymore, than I was no longer welcome to join other big family events.

Does your MIL and FIL host every other family event? If not, and the person(s) hosting those events invites you, go anyway. If the host invites you, it's not up to your MIL if you go or not. Just don't talk to her when you're there. If she says anything about you being there, just say, "So and So invited me," and then walk off.

My husband's brother's first wife and her daughter hated me. Personally, I think they wanted DH to marry that daughter. The wife is now dead, but Psycho Wench (our pet name for the daughter) still hates me. It's completely irrational. For example, she blames me for the fact that she flunked out of college as a freshman, even though she never even knew I existed until 5 years after she flunked out.

Back when DH and I were dating and first married, these two did and said all kinds of things to me. It bothered me, and I'd talk to DH later and ask him when he was every going to stand up to them. He never noticed them doing anything, even if it was blatent and right in front of him. He thought I was exaggerating, and continued to believe that until Psycho Wench would call him up and laugh about the things she and her mother did and said. After she did that a couple times, DH finally realized I was not making this stuff up. We finally cut off contact, although we would still see BIL when he came to family things. When his wife or stepdaughter would show up, we just ignored them (as did everyone else except for BIL.)

25 years later, no one in the family talks to her except for DH's brother (her stepfather). Her own 1/2 sisters have no contact with her at all. She's reaping what she has sown.

Of course, I take great pleasure in the fact that my nieces and I are close and talk all the time.

 

[Bren's Mom]

My mom taught me something very wise a long time ago...

You cannot control other people's behavior. But you CAN control your own, and how you REACT to other people is YOUR behavior and YOU have control over it.

First you have to decide which is more important to you; never being in MILs presence, or spending time with other members of dh's extended family.

If you choose not to be in her presence, own that choice. It's a perfectly acceptable one. If your dh chooses to spend time with his own family, support that. If you have children and he wants them to attend these functions as well, support that. IF she says anything about you in front of your children, that's when I'd put my foot down and expect my dh to tell her to keep her mouth shut, or remove his children from the situation and not allow them to be around her either.

But if you want to see the extended family, and you know that your MIL has a problem that it seems she can't control, then make the decision to let it roll. Whatever she says, let it roll. Walk away.

 

[Handbag Lady]

For starters, stop fighting about your inlaws. That is step one.

Second step is to tell your dh that since he cannot support you when you are attacked then you are no longer going to be going over there, period, the end.

Yes, the fallout may be harsh and who knows what is going to happen. However fearing the fallout is not a good enough excuse to endure abuse from someone.

The fact you go back for another beating and your dh thinks it is OK, is not good.

So make some decisions, tell your dh the deal and then go from there.

Totally this.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

my DFIL and I don't really get along. he's from the era where the men run everything and the women just sit there and do whatever the husband tells them to, and DH and my relationship isn't like that AT ALL so he doesn't like it. he's said some pretty nasty stuff TO me and ABOUT me and there's nothing my DH ever really does when he says those things.

i also have a DSIL who's pretty nasty to me, too. no one ever says anything. and if i defend myself, i end up looking like the jerk in the family.

so i've learned to just suck it up and take it when we have to see them. i try to ignore it, and we don't visit for very long. i just gave up on trying to change anything.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Mystery Machine's comments, that were just quoted above, are SPOT ON!!!
Read this again, several times....
Make your decision and take ownership.

OP, as I just mentioned... I have been EXACTLY where you are sitting. And, from your post above...

What is still bothering me tremendously is what he says to me in private. Instead of being supportive and saying that he's sorry ....he would have preferred if I just walked away or changed the subject. To me, he's basically telling me to roll over and play dead.

Of course, regularly rolling over and playing dead while being treated disrespectfully and adversarilly is not a reasonable or healthy way to live.

OP, what you have to realize that YES your husband is naturally going to hope/expect that you just zip-it and keep the peace.
My husband was exactly the same way.....
They simply cannot see it clearly/objectively.
Not for a long time, anyway.
This is HIS mother...
This is the way HE and his family were raised.
It is the nature of the beast.
It is what it is.
They do not see that it is not reasonable or appropriate to expect their spouses to accept this the way they always have.
You have to try to not take that personally.

Here is what happened in my situation...
I 'kept the peace' for many years....
Then DS came along.
Believe me, when you have MIL's precious grandchild, if you continue to have any relationship with her, know that this is when the proverbial you-know-what will hit the fan.
Anyway, a situation arose where, very very clearly, I saw my young son be addressed in the same toxic manner that I had known for years. It was clearly a way for FIL to try to get to 'me'. I interjected when FIL demanded of my little six year old "what's wrong".... as in "What is WRONG with you...." This was at the dinner table, at their house. My son was overwhelmed and exhausted by the day, strung out on allergy meds because he is severely allergic to MILs FIVE indoor cats..... He wasn't eating, and wanted excused.. So, I interjected for my little son, excused him from the table... I was verbally and almost physically accosted!!!!! Even at that point, with both his young son and his wife being traumatized... My husband still did not 'get it'. And, you know what, I would fully expect that your husband simply does not 'get it' either. I gathered my things and went out front, waiting to leave, and DH spent another HOUR trying to appease his parents before he even came out and got us out of there. And, you know what, he didn't immediately apologize to me either

It is not that my husband is a bad person or a bad husband.
But, I seriously believe that, in this one respect, he is 'off kilter'... Affected by how he was raised in his family.

I had to finally, at that point, take control over my own decisions and issue an ultimatum to my husband.
I told him that I would simply never subject myself or my son to that behavior, ever again. That is when I finally made the decision to remove myself from that toxic situation.

So, what I am saying is.... quit waiting for your husband to 'get it'.
I would not advise anyone to let it get to the point that it did in my situation.

Make your decision, and OWN your decision...
No 'whining'
No expecting your DH to 'get it'.... (Cause, honey, it IS his mom, and he may never, ever, 'get it'.)

 

[cocodog]

Yes, you can get to a better place I used to be in a similar situation.

 

[klacey1]

I agree with PP, OP, you need to stop visiting the in-laws! It is honestly awful what they are putting you through.
My DBF's parents (soon-to-be inlaws) are wonderful people, truly, but DBF loves them more than anything in the world. Not that that is a bad thing, I understand, but if they do ANYTHING wrong to him or to me-- he can't get upset with them. They're just absolutely perfect in his eyes. It is INCREDIBLY frustrating when they make a snippy comment to me or fight with him (they think it's okay to scream still at their 26 year old son and tell him he's a selfish person, which is definitely not true!) and he does nothing about it. He won't stand up for himself or for me. If I even make the smallest comment, like "What your dad said to me today was a little hurtful," he's just make excuses and never acknowledge that they CAN be hurtful.
While I realize mine is not as tough of a situation as the one you are in, just know there are others of us who are in difficult situations! If you want your marriage to work, I would just try to avoid your in-laws as much as possible and attempt to take the higher road, as difficult as that may be. Try not to discuss the fights/whatever with your husband, so you can avoid the "you should have done this" conversation. I'd tell him that when he says things like that, it's as hurtful as when your MIL is rude to you, and if that is all he has to say on the matter, you'd rather not discuss it with him.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My DBF's parents (soon-to-be inlaws) are wonderful people, truly, but DBF loves them more than anything in the world. Not that that is a bad thing, I understand, but if they do ANYTHING wrong to him or to me-- he can't get upset with them. They're just absolutely perfect in his eyes. It is INCREDIBLY frustrating when they make a snippy comment to me or fight with him (they think it's okay to scream still at their 26 year old son and tell him he's a selfish person,..)

Ummmm, definitely NOT 'wonderful people'. (bolded above)

It sounds like you are young and in love.... If you think that this is just a small thing, but already describe this as frustrating... You may want to really stop and think about how you will really be feeling after dealing with this for 20 years, seeing your husband 'roll over', your children are involved, etc.... If your fiance/husband really doesn't 'get it' and does not see anything wrong with this... I'm just sayin'.... Sorry....