Can I vent?

[kaytieeldr]

She is very moody lately

TOTALLY off-topic from a Disney trip, but you need to sit down with your mother and find out why she's moody, why her attitude is changed in general.

Okay, you don't NEED to, but it would probably be a good idea.

 

[mousemom11]

TOTALLY off-topic from a Disney trip, but you need to sit down with your mother and find out why she's moody, why her attitude is changed in general.

Okay, you don't NEED to, but it would probably be a good idea.

Depending on her age, it could be menopause. Or is her Dad having some health issues and Mom is becoming a caretaker? That can wear someone out real quick.

 

[PrincessKara22]

I had to beg her to go on this trip. She said, "You want to go back again? We were just there!" I want her to be excited about going and she's really not, she's just going to please me. At least I get that vibe. I know she doesn't want to spend any $$ because she is saving to go to FL with my dad in December. And she knows even though I am paying everything, she will still be spending on a daily basis for this or that.

It sounds like she's being grumpy about this trip because she really doesn't want to go. Between that and the fact that she realizes she's going to be babysitting and spending a week (or more?) living at the pace of her adult daughter and the whims of a five year old. Even just thinking about it is probably wearing her out! If you aren't going to let her stay home the least she deserves is her own bathroom and PLENTY of alone time. I don't think it's unreasonable for a grandmother to occasionally watch the children on a family vacation just as I don't think it's unreasonable for grandma to get some alone time--but if it is a trip she doesn't want to be on then let it go. You have great memories of her at Disney--don't let them be spoiled by new, unhappy memories of her at Disney!

 

[PrincessKitty1]

OP, I agree with some of the other posters who say it sounds like your mother just really doesn't want to go, period. I think you should let her off the hook.

I'll tell you that I've come to resent "vacations" with my inlaws who pay for a rental house and then expect everybody (family reunion-type vacations) to do what they want to do and enjoy what they enjoy. It's not a vacation if you feel pressured into doing things you don't want to do! Your mom doesn't want to go to Disney--you said so yourself.

 

[Planogirl]

How old is this lady anyway? Some people are talking about her like she's an elderly woman. Maybe she is but either way she should have some input into this trip.

OP, you mentioned that she agreed to go as a favor to you. That could make a person resentful if you put a lot of pressure on her. I don't know if that's the case but if it is I can see why there might be this stress right now.

I'm wondering too about you and your DH and two kids and your Mom all in one room? That seems a bit cozy and it seems good that you now have two rooms.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

As another perspective... if you decide to need a babysitter, if you know someone of age- 15-18 (or whatever age) that is close enough like a cousin or neice, see if maybe in exchange to taking her along on the trip and paying for the basics, she could babysit for you.

One of my friends did that for her older brother. She was 16 when her brother and sister-in-law decided the go to Disneyland but also wanted to take their DS3. They offered to pay for everything in exchange for her babysitting while there so they could go to romantic dinners and what not.

 

[aubriee]

I feel so sorry for the OP's mother...

Me too! If one of my kids pulled a stunt like this I'd tell them exactly what they could do with their offer of a free vacation for me. I'd have no problems voluntaring to take care of the grandkids for awhile, but no way would I be willing to go along as an unpaid babysitter to be at their beck and call. That's what paid nanny's do and even they get time off to do their own thing.

Edit: OK, I posted this before I read all of the thread. However, my initial reaction stands for the most part. I'd sit down with mom and make sure she truly understands that you want her on this trip to spend some quality time with her. Ask her if she'd be willing to watch the kids a few times and then agree on certain dates for her to do so, but understand that the other time is hers to do what she wants (be it spend time with your family or do her own thing). A previous poster had a good idea when she said to plan something special for just you and your mom and let your husband take care of the kids one day for a couple of hours. I love both of my D-I-Ls dearly, but they also know not to try to take advantage of me (and I know they never would). If they ask, we are usually OK, but they better never try to tell me I'm babysitting or doing things by their schedule.

 

[Brad Bishop]

Usually, unless one or both parties are not reasonable, if you just lay things out on the table from the beginning and address issues as they come up rather than stewing about them, you can both come to an amicable agreement.

I think it's important, too, in how you state it:

"Mom, come with me. I'll pay for everything. I'd like you to watch the kids certain nights"

is different from:

"Mom, come with me. I'd like you to watch the kids certain nights (spell these nights out) and, in exchange, I'll take care of your bill."


Most people would probably go with #1 which really isn't horrible but I think #2 is better.

#1 is saying: I'll pay for everything. Would you please watch the kids?
- it's a statement and then a request. In my mind she'd be fine taking your gift of paying for everything and then saying, "No, I really don't want to watch you kids." It'd be really nice if she did, but she isn't agreeing to it.

#2 is more direct. It's saying: Here's the deal. Watch the kids certain nights and you get everything paid for. It's stating that she needs to agree to the terms and it really isn't a gift, though it may be a generous offer.


Just throwing it out there. I think people will say #1 and expect that to be the thing they're really after when, in reality, it's not what they said and the other person's expectations, based on the original #1 statement, were completely different and, thus, conflict.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

My mother has a friend that goes along on all of her children's vacations to act as babysitter. The family went on a cruise, grandma stayed on the ship at all the ports so the parents could do excursions, they went to Disney World and grandma took the kids back to the room for naps. They travel a lot and grandma always takes this role.

My mom always comments that she would never do that because it wouldn't be "fun". She is a great grandmother to my neice, but she wants to be a grandmother, not a babysitter and not a parent. She is very active and doesn't want to miss out because she has to watch a little one.

I would make sure that both sides are clear on why you are bringing your mom along before you go so that there are no hard feelings once you get there. I wouldn't want to ruin a vacation because it wasn't clear in advance about what each side was expecting.

I think this is a little much but my mom does and will with no problem babysit our kids so DH and I could do things on our own.

I would never tell her to stay on the cruise ship with them while DH and I do excursions , we would all go, but she has come to WDW and numerous other vacations and took the kids back for naps and watched them so DH and I could have alone time.

Even at home , she watches the kids a couple times a month so dh and I can have alone time and a week once a year so DH and I can vacation alone together.

Most of the time I don't even ask , like last Friday she said , You and DH haven't been out for a while, I'll watch the kids tonight. She wasn't there alot for me growing up, working full-time and weird shifts and weekends. She told me I missed so much of your growing up, I will not miss my grandkids too.

 

[Dorisk3]

Did you make it clear to her that you were taking her for babysitting purposes?

I agree totally. Maybe she thought you were doing something nice for her and not just taking her to be a babysitter.

That said, you can work out a schedule that allows everyone for some time- you don't need to look at it as an all or nothing scenario. Let her take an afternoon for herself, then maybe at night she can watch the baby while you take the baby out. Maybe she can watch the kids for a couple of hours while you go out on your own.

 

[luvthemouse71]

My mother has a friend that goes along on all of her children's vacations to act as babysitter. The family went on a cruise, grandma stayed on the ship at all the ports so the parents could do excursions, they went to Disney World and grandma took the kids back to the room for naps. They travel a lot and grandma always takes this role.

My mom always comments that she would never do that because it wouldn't be "fun". She is a great grandmother to my neice, but she wants to be a grandmother, not a babysitter and not a parent. She is very active and doesn't want to miss out because she has to watch a little one.

I would make sure that both sides are clear on why you are bringing your mom along before you go so that there are no hard feelings once you get there. I wouldn't want to ruin a vacation because it wasn't clear in advance about what each side was expecting.

I agree..you could look at it as this woman has already raised children-she did her part. Getting older is supposed to give you more time to yourself. I too would hire someone to do babysitting and not my mother. I would feel disrespectful paying for my mom to go on vacation and then expecting her to be at my beck and call.I took my Dad last year just as a thank you for all he did for me growing up..yes, I paid for everything but I didn't expect anything in return.

Plenty of people raise more than 2 kids and they don't rely on family to babysit. You choose to have kids, you kind of have to figure that you will be raising them and that there will be inconveniences..

I think nothing good can come of this situation..it may just cause family strife.

 

[WDSearcher]

That is a good idea, except I couldn't bear to be away from my 1 year old for more then one night.

OK ... but again, you're wanting everything your way so that you can celebrate and you get everything you want. All most people are saying here is that you may actually need to compromise.

• If WDW is the place you MUST go on your celebration vacation, then you'll need to compromise with your mom and make sure she's happy too. And you'll also have to plan with your DH in mind since he's coming later.
• If you want to enjoy WDW without the compromises with mom and DH, then you need to leave the baby home for a few days and deal with missing her/him.
• You could have DH there the entire time, except that you refuse to go to WDW for "only" three days. So you have to compromise on who is there and how easy it will be to deal with them.
• If you want everyone else to be happy and not have to deal with the drama or leave your baby for a few days, then you might need to compromise on where you go. Perhaps you choose a different location to celebrate the achievement this year, and plan a family trip at WDW for a point when the baby is a bit older and easier to deal with.

Unfortunately, you're not going to be able to get everything you want. And you need to understand that. No matter what happens, you will need to compromise somewhere. If it were me, I'd take a long weekend trip (3-4 days) instead of having to go for more days, do the whole trip with my DH and both kids, and let mom stay home. That way, you get WDW, you don't have to leave your baby behind, DH can deal with Disney for three days, and your mom can save her money. It will also cost you less, since you can go with one room. You can get onsite babysitting for a special night with your DH, and DH is available to babysit the baby while you swim with DD.

 

[btcrane]

Honest communication is definitely the key. If you are as frank with her as you've been with us, and she's amenable to the idea of babysitting a few days of the vacation, then great--have fun! But you won't know unless you're totally honest and if you leave on vacation with different expectations, resentment will grow and that is NOT an ingredient in the recipe for a fun vacation. While I don't have grandchildren, I do have a close friend who has invited me to vacation with her and her family at her beachfront condo. When this happens, I or my children end up babysitting (or "helping out" with the baby which involves compromising our own plans) so we just don't vacation with her anymore. I'd much rather pay my own way and have my own vacation.

 

[lessit]

Apologies in advance for a non-Disneyish post, but......I want, I need, I deserve, I, I, I......Ai-Yi-Yi!

 

[snykymom]

I have repeated over and over that we want her there for babysitting only once in a while, but mainly because we've taken past trips with her and had a lot of fun!

Maybe you did, and maybe mom now "gets it" based on your new revised plan. But the feeling I got from your original post was one of entitlement: "I'm paying for the trip so mom should do exactly what I want her to do when I want her to do it. How dare she ask for some time or space to herself???"

Maybe mom picked up on a vibe like that no matter what your words said.

I must be the most spoiled DIL in the world. This September will be the third year in a row that my DMIL will be joining us on a Disney trip. She pays for room, park tickets, dining (which will be free this year), airfare for herself and my DS5. I pay for DH and myself, and then DD2.5 and DS1 are free. She gets a seperate room for DS and herself (we've only stayed at value). And she is constantly helping us with the kids while we are there, including things the first year when she stayed at hotel with the kids one night (they were 3 and 18 months that year) so DH and I could go out to pleasure island, last year she stayed back so baby & herself could take a nap a couple mid-days while DH and I took the older two kids to the pool.

She also lets (actually she expects) me to make all the plans, because she says she doesnt know anyone know could plan our trip as well as I do as far as dining, park plans, evening activites. I usually ask her input during my planning process, but she always says whatever I think we will all enjoy.

Now we have never asked (nor expected) her for money towards the trip, babysitting, etc. She wont go on the trip unless we let her pay for herself & DS. If she ever asked for a little alone time we would absolutely want her to have some time to relax, but she seems to want to spend all her time with the kids/us. We want her to enjoy herself and for the children to enjoy being with her. And she always is soooo excited to be coming and spending time with us. These are also her ONLY grand-children, and her husband is gone too, so at home she is alone alot, so she dedicates ALOT of time to my kids. We consider ourselves to be SUPER lucky, and after readin the original post here I consider myself even that much MORE lucky now! But I am still having a hard time understanding how so many posters can be so nasty to the original poster.

**Side note, DMIL is also no spring chicken, she is 65-years old and really keeps up all three grandkids!!

The difference in your case v. the OP's case comes down to one of choice. Who decides what Gramma does? Gramma or Mommy? If it's Gramma, then that's great - if Gramma's offer & Mommy's wants/needs mesh, everyone's happy. But if they don't, who decides? Suppose Gramma pays and then says, "Oh, I made an appointment for DD at BBB, and I'm going to take while you watch the baby." How many mothers would be happy with that? No discussion, no choice.

In your case, you have the good fortune that your needs and her wishes mesh. But I've read posts about the "pushy grandmothers" who insist on babysitting when parents don't want them to.

Come on people she's not asking for her mom to be a nanny just asking her to help her out a little by staying with the 1 year old while while it naps. Why doesn't Grandma want to spend some alone time with her grand child anyway? It's not that hard looking after a sleeping one year old, grandma also gets a break out of the heat for a couple of hours.

Mom also said she would like a little alone time with her DH, not all the time alone with him. Mom said she was planning on taking the 5 year old to the kids club. If she puts the one year old down before they go out Grandma has nothing to do but sit back and rest. She did after all say she wanted some alone time, there ya go. Mom didn't say that she wanted to go out every night with DH just an evening. That's pretty fair.

Because you are deciding that watching the 1 year old while it naps is spending "alone time" with the grandchild. It's not. Interaction is. You're also deciding that grandma wants a break out of the heat at the same time that 1 year old does. And it's not that easy staying with a napping child in the same room. Is the 1 year old a light sleeper? Can grandma have a light on to read, or the TV on, or does she have to sit in the dark? Not all grandmas need afternoon naps, you know.

Or maybe grandma could take the 5 year old swimming and mom stays with the baby? Why doesn't mom want "alone time" with the 1 year old? Oh, yeah, because the 1 year oldwill be sleeping, so that's not "alone time."

Same for the evening out. How do you know that grandma wouldn't also like to play with the 5 year old? That would be "alone time" - grandma takes 5 year old to dinner and you get a babysitter for the 1 year old.

It's always a question of who is making the final decision. Unless the OP and her mother agree on what the expectations are, and discuss what they'd prefer ("Mom, I was thinking that Dan & I would like to go for a nice dinner on the last night we're there. Would you mind watching both kids? How do you feel about that? Would you rather we take Sam to the kid's club and you watch the baby? Or would you like to take Sam and we'll get a babysitter for the baby? Or would you prefer a different night and our last night is spent as as family?") Negotiation is the key to family harmony - everyone gets what she wants.

 

[Sorahana]

OK ... but again, you're wanting everything your way so that you can celebrate and you get everything you want. All most people are saying here is that you may actually need to compromise.

• If WDW is the place you MUST go on your celebration vacation, then you'll need to compromise with your mom and make sure she's happy too. And you'll also have to plan with your DH in mind since he's coming later.
• If you want to enjoy WDW without the compromises with mom and DH, then you need to leave the baby home for a few days and deal with missing her/him.
• You could have DH there the entire time, except that you refuse to go to WDW for "only" three days. So you have to compromise on who is there and how easy it will be to deal with them.
• If you want everyone else to be happy and not have to deal with the drama or leave your baby for a few days, then you might need to compromise on where you go. Perhaps you choose a different location to celebrate the achievement this year, and plan a family trip at WDW for a point when the baby is a bit older and easier to deal with.

Unfortunately, you're not going to be able to get everything you want. And you need to understand that. No matter what happens, you will need to compromise somewhere. If it were me, I'd take a long weekend trip (3-4 days) instead of having to go for more days, do the whole trip with my DH and both kids, and let mom stay home. That way, you get WDW, you don't have to leave your baby behind, DH can deal with Disney for three days, and your mom can save her money. It will also cost you less, since you can go with one room. You can get onsite babysitting for a special night with your DH, and DH is available to babysit the baby while you swim with DD.

Nicely said, I agree with this post. Also, let your mom stay home and go with her husband when they were planning to go, and you go now and celebrate your accomplishment. Everyone will be happier.

 

[loriandmatt]

i have to chime in an agree with those who have posted that....

IT REALLY SEEMS LIKE YOUR MOM IS TRYING TO GET OUT OF THIS.

out of character grumpy and irritable - she is on edge because of not wanting to come right out and say she does not want to go. you even posted that she said maybe she need not go (when you thought of changing trip details for DH to be there the entire time.) perhaps she is frustrated because you are not listening to her or not picking up on signals.
all of her other conditions (stating her own bathroom or specifying personal time) or comments, to me sound like she is throwing up roadblocks to try and make her going along seem less apealing to you - and therefore maybe get you to axe her going.

if she is really the friend that you stated, please have a real adult to adult conversation with her and let her know the vibe you have been picking up on and that you are cool with her not going if she would perfer not to. stess that no vacation/request for babysitting is worth hurting your close relationship and there will be no hard feelings.

i honesly think your solution of going with DH for longer and getting mom off the hook sounded ideal, you changed that notion two posts later though. i am guessing that DH (who you state is not into WDW as you are) wasn't going for it. it seems that you are wanting everyone (DH and mom) to do what you want. DH isn't bending and mom is the path of least resistance. she is less likely to flat out tell you no and is struggling to get out of this.

you state about the two rooms because DH is a night owl and kids would be in other rooom....who is in that other room with the kids? you or mom? if mom, well then, i can see where she would feel like the nanny.

it truely seems like you need to give something here....either a venue everyone is good with or a shorter time or being away from 1 year old for a while and have a trip with just you and 5year old.

not trying to be snarky, just an honest view of what might be going on here and how to fix it.

good luck - tender issue

 

[MissionMouse]

OP...Wow..not a great situation to have going on. There appears to be a difference in perspective and expectations. It is not clear if everyone is being forthcoming, but realize if you are having these issues now your trip is going to be even worse if you do not resolve these differences. You know the personalities and history of your family which is essential to getting this resolved prior to your trip.

Personally, we use to travel with extended family with joint plans. This later translated in later trips to where we made our own family plans and shared them with everyone else allowing them to join us if they want too. If they didn't no problems. Today, it is just our family, since we wanted our vacation to be our vacation (a relaxing vacation at our pace), without guilt, stress, indecision, manipulation, and other extended family "games" that can surface.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

So was this ever resolved?