Can I vent?

[n2mm]

I had another thought. If you continue with your plans and mom goes, why not book a nice lunch for you and your mom when your DH arrives and let DH take the kids for a few hours while you treat mom to some special times for the two of you. It sounds like you are spending time with everyone, (mommy and dd time, and DH time) except your mom. I think it would be very touching if you planned a special event for just the two of you. I think it might be what you need. I only wish my mom was here to spend time with her today! Enjoy your time now.

 

[Venoxen]

I feel so sorry for the OP's mother...

 

[snykymom]

Now I'm confused. So what you're saying is that when your DH comes down, you, he, your mother and the 2 kids will all be in the same room??? Yes, I know the 1 year old doesn't count for occupancy purposes, but frankly, that's absurd! Why shouldn't she want some privacy?

And if you're taking your mother along to act as nanny, then you damned well better be paying! Unless your mother has agreed to act as your employee for the week, then you are way out of line here. (And I say that as a mother going with her grown daughter - no kids yet.) It's one thing for Gramma to babysit for a couple of hours; it's quite another to make demands of her. "I need her to . . . " No, you don't. You need an au pair. Hire one and leave your relationship with your mother in tact.

 

[summermac]

Wow. I am really surprised at some of the responses. I didn't feel like you were asking your mom to babysit 24/7 or anything. But that being said, I do think "expecting" her to watch your youngest every single day while you have fun in the pool with your oldest is kind of crazy. On our trip, there were 6 adults total (me, DH, my two sisters & my parents) and so we all took turns staying in the room with my 2 year old and the rest hit the pool during our breaks. I'm sure your mom would enjoy some pool time as well & especially after your DH joins you - that's 3 total adults so 2 could hit the pool & 1 could stay behind.

I definitely don't think I'd cancel the trip but I would discuss with my mom ahead of time how to best handle the naps, etc. I made it clear to my sisters & my parents that I'd really appreciate it if they'd take at least one day to stay in the room with my daughter allowing us all a chance to enjoy the pool. We didn't do any special dinner or night out though - just the two of us - we did all dinners together. I did go to Epcot for EMH one night but my mom offered to stay behind with the kids b/c she was tired and I also hit AM EMH at MK w/ my sister and that time my DH stayed with the kids and met me later.

As far as "expecting" her own room, well that's fine but she pays for that. At least she would in my world.

 

[catne]

As a 53 yr old mother of grown children, I do think the OP has some very unreasonable expectations here unless the invitation to her mom specified that she would like the mom to come along, share the room & bath and be the babysitter whenever daughter wanted her to. If the daughter referred to it as a vacation at all to her mom - or suggested it was any sort of treat for the mom, well then daughter is out of line. If I was in the mom's position, I would be very grumpy, too. Mom's requests for private bath is not unreasonable in the least. If the daughter really wants a no-hassle vacation with a nanny, she needs to hire a nanny for the vacation...but she better be prepared because that's going to cost a lot more than taking mom along.

I have a sister who nannied, and DD's best friend nannies every summer...what the OP is proposing would never fly with a paid nanny. All of the people I know who take nannies on vacation with them get a separate room (with a bath) for the nanny...none of them would even think of expecting a nanny to share a room with their kids/husband. If they rent a house or condo, there is always a private room & bath for the nanny -- the nanny is never expected to share with anyone. Because even though the nanny is with the family 24/7, she's not actually working 24/7 -- so the assumption is her private room/bath is for her "away time" use when she's "not working" -- it's like her time to go home from work, and get away from her charges.

And all of them know that nannies cannot be at their beck & call 24/7. There is a set schedule in advance for the nanny's time...including if they need the nanny in the evening, then nanny gets comparable hours off that day (and it's usually the nanny's choice if she wants the morning or afternoon off...a lot of nannies choose the morning off so they can have some sleep-in mornings. Which they couldn't have if they were expected to share a room & bath with family members.)

 

[dalt01]

I feel so sorry for the OP's mother...

as stated earlier i disagree too but that may be a bit harsh, after all we do not know the family dynamic.

 

[kshattuck]

OP -- Sounds like your mom might be as stressed out as you are about the upcoming trip. Asking for her own bathroom and some free time might be in anticipation that she WILL be doing a good deal of babysitting vs. vacationing.

I would use that as an "in" to the conversation that it sounds like you really need to have with your mom before you become resentful of her requests and she becomes resentful of her perceived role on this vacation.

Good luck!

 

[ScrapperBelle]

We recently went on a trip with DD, DSIL and DGD. We paid for everything. We had our room, they had theirs. When we were in the early planning stages of the trip, we made it clear that we would not be the designated babysitters. It was a family trip and we would do family things together, but we would all have our own space and our own private time.

Of course, we did keep DGD in our room on a couple of afternoons while we were staying in anyway. DD and DSIL needed a break to do some laundry/take a swim and we were more than happy to give it to them. We all took turns letting each other ride things that she couldn't and of course we all spent plenty of time doing things strictly for her. We tried to give DD and DSIL an evening out on their own...but we all enjoyed having meals together and if DGD got fussy or cranky, there were more than enough adults to take small breaks with her.

But...If they were to invite me on a trip they were paying for and if they asked nicely I would be glad to do any babysitting they asked of me. I would want to know this up front so that I could plan accordingly and if I insisted on having my own space and bathroom....well I would have to insist on paying for it as well.

Good luck!

 

[mefordis]

I have repeated over and over that we want her there for babysitting only once in a while, but mainly because we've taken past trips with her and had a lot of fun!

Did you make it clear to her that you were taking her for babysitting purposes?

 

[mefordis]

Great advice. I will look into the babysitting. I don't usually leave my kids when they are babies with strangers, but maybe for a couple of hours if I get a good vibe from them.

I didn't mention that I had to talk her into going because she wants to save her $$ for a trip to FL with my dad in December.

Leave mom at home and hire one of the Kids Nite Out people to come and take the younger child for a bit and then both kids when hubby arrives. It would probably make for a much nicer vacation all around and save you money. Give mom a spa certificate as an apology or something.

That being said, if your mom's personality has really undergone a radical change recently, she should be evaluated by her doctor.

 

[mefordis]

I definitely would not be treating my mom like a slave. The times we have invited her on vacation with us, I have been with her and the kids about 98% of the time. My mom has been my best friend for the past several years. Things were different last trip. She just seemed very quick to fly off the handle, and kind of pensive. She has been trying to lose 10 lbs so I chalked it up to her being hungry all the time.

I had to beg her to go on this trip. She said, "You want to go back again? We were just there!" I want her to be excited about going and she's really not, she's just going to please me. At least I get that vibe. I know she doesn't want to spend any $$ because she is saving to go to FL with my dad in December. And she knows even though I am paying everything, she will still be spending on a daily basis for this or that.

But no, I would never use my mom as just a babysitter. I love my mom and we used to be best friends but she seems distant and less excited about disney.

Everyone is sick of disney except for me and my 5 year old!!!

Respectfully, "free" does not mean "slave." Just because you're paying for Mom's trip doesn't mean Mom is on 24-hour duty. While I'm not sure from the info you give whether it's asking too much for Mom to want her own bathroom, I don't think she's out of line wanting free time.

Also, one reason why Mom may seem grumpier is because Mom's treating you more like an adult and she doesn't feel like she has to disguise her feelings as much. I have to say I'd probably be kinda grumpy if a child of mine invited me on a trip and expected me to be at his/her beck and call.

Rather than have hard feelings, I'd sit down with Mom and have a discussion about what she's willing to do to help and what she wants as far as free time. If you and Mom can't work it out, you should look at Plan B.

 

[la79al]

Is it possible that you are changing more than her. I mean, obviously she is getting older and not used to dealing with small kids 24/7 but is it possible that you are more stressed out, having 2 kids, one being pretty little? We are on the opposite end in that my mom decided she is coming along with my sister and I to take care of my DD and I'm a little upset because I want to take care of my DD. But I know at the same time, now that I am in mom mode, I am not as fun as I used to be. I'm worried about making sure we have everything we could potentially need, worried about keeping track of schedules, preventing meltdowns, finding time for myself, etc. I'm really hoping that I can chill out for our DW trip.
I agree with other posters who suggested you sit down and come up with some kind of schedule for both of you. It's not unreasonable for her to want some time to herself, as I said before, it's rough being with kiddos 24/7 if you aren't usually. The bathroom thing I won't go into. I guess just explain to her the room has one bathroom, she is more than welcome to share or get her own room. A lot of posters jumped on you because it came across as you wanting mom to constantly be on standby in case you wanted her to watch one/both of the kids. Though this may not be your intention, perhaps this is what your mom is picking up on as well. Again, I would recommend setting up a schedule that you can both agree on before you leave to minimize stress when you are stuck in Florida sharing a room.

 

[mefordis]

I did invite my mom for companionship first and foremost. But I don't think she fully believes me when I tell her that.

If you didn't invite your mom because you enjoy her company and want her to enjoy WDW with you and the grandkids, you would be better off hiring a sitter at WDW. It costs less, and you would be less resentful. Even a hired sitter that you would bring from home wouldn't expect to work all the time he/she was there.

 

[la79al]

I definitely would not be treating my mom like a slave. The times we have invited her on vacation with us, I have been with her and the kids about 98% of the time. My mom has been my best friend for the past several years. Things were different last trip. She just seemed very quick to fly off the handle, and kind of pensive. She has been trying to lose 10 lbs so I chalked it up to her being hungry all the time.

I had to beg her to go on this trip. She said, "You want to go back again? We were just there!" I want her to be excited about going and she's really not, she's just going to please me. At least I get that vibe. I know she doesn't want to spend any $$ because she is saving to go to FL with my dad in December. And she knows even though I am paying everything, she will still be spending on a daily basis for this or that.

But no, I would never use my mom as just a babysitter. I love my mom and we used to be best friends but she seems distant and less excited about disney.

Everyone is sick of disney except for me and my 5 year old!!!

It sounds like your mom does not really want to go and just because she doesn't want to do DW again, not because of money or not wanting to be with you. Maybe she thinks if she puts unreasonable expectations out there, you will call off the trip.
After reading this, I think you should tell mom you changed your mind, let her stay home. I wouldn't want to put a baby in Kids Night Out either but you could use it for both kids and at least the older one would be able to help the sitter/let you know of any problems. Maybe plan your swim time for a time when the little one could join you or wait until when your DH gets there and take turns with your older child in the pool. It really sounds like mom would be happier staying at home.

 

[mefordis]

Thanks to everyone for the advice and opinions!

I think we are going to shorten the trip to 5 nights, and make it a family trip with just me, my husband and children. My mom gave me the vibe that she thinks we are using her for childcare anyway, so I don't really want her there if she thinks that. She has gone on 3 vacations with us so far and 99% of the time she is with us, not babysitting the kids. I don't know how she gets an idea that she will be doing nothing but babysitting. I think she is less than excited to go because 1) she hates leaving my dad (who never wants to go anywhere) and 2) she is saving her $$ for a trip to FL with my dad and she knows a vacation still means spending money even if hotel, food, etc. are paid for. I'm not handing over spending money even though I would she would never take it.

She is very moody lately so I hope when i tell her she is off the hook because my husband is going the full time she doesn't do a switcheroo and make me feel like I uninvited her. Even this morning when I told her dh was going to meet us out there she said well, since he will be going she should just stay home and I told her that he isn't going for the full time. So I think she may be relieved, or if she wants an argument or something to be negative about she will tell me she really wanted to go.

I'll let you know how she receives it all.

 

[golden6911]

We go to WDW with our in-laws but they pay their own way. They go because they really want to spend time with our kids and enjoy watching them have fun. The last trip, we traded nights off for a nice dinner. They watched the kids for a night and then another night went out for a nice dinner by themselves. I guess we really just consider it more of a family trip, not thinking about what we can get out of it from each other. We really sat down and discussed plans ahead of time. I never would expect them to babysit on a whim, unless there was an emergency.

 

[mefordis]

We have taken her 3x to DLR and WDW so far and I think she has babysat for one night each time for us. The rest of the time we were together as a family. I am the one who tends to the little one while the rest of them (dh, dd5 and my mom) eat their room service in the other room, or get to eat their meal at the restaurant, etc (dh helps me, too).

I think it is a huge jump if she thinks I treat her like a nanny (even though the kids call her Nanny!) I treat her more like a friend on vacation but she is very helpful by nature and jumps in to give baths, etc.'

Hmmm.... seems to me like you don't have your prioritites straight. She has every reason to be grumpy and upset with you! You are treating hr like a nanny instead of your mother. Have alone time with your husband at home. A vacation isn't for alone time, its for family time, and when you invite someone to come with you, that person would expect to be able to have fun too, not be at your beck and call for when you don't want your children around. Did you invite her telling her outright that you wanted her to come along as a babysitter? If not, you need to tell her so, or hire a nanny to watch your children so she can do fun things too. Sure, I would love to have alone time with my hubby during our trips. That would be fantastic!!! We even brought my mom with us the last time we went, but I would never ask her to babysit my kids while we went out and left everyone else behind. Alone time would be great - not knocking those who take vacations for alone time - but to us, vacations to celebrate or whatever, we spend that time as a family, because we don't get that time very often in the military. We want to spend every second we can with everyone.

 

[sabrecmc]

OP, read the reviews about the Disney babysitters over on allears.net...they consistently get exceptionally high marks. I'm normally totally opposed to leaving my child with a stranger, but with so many glowing reports and Disney's endorsements, I think I'd be willing. That would give you and your hubby some much-needed alone time and it seems from the reviews that many kids feel that was the best part of their trip! Your 5 year old could go to one of the resort kids clubs like they have at the Poly and AKL...bet that would be totally fun.

It sounds like your mom really didn't want to go on this trip, so it was probably smart to change your plans. FWIW, my mom and aunt are coming with me for upcoming trips in July and September, which I pay for (except for food and spending). It is sort of just understood that there will be times each of us will take off by ourselves while one or the other watches my daughter. Obviously, most of the time it is me with the Princess (actually most of the time, we're together since no one wants to be away from her for too long!), but they've always been great about giving me a bit of "me time" while we're on vacation. I truly appreciate that. It isn't some sort of quid pro quo for the vacation (I'd take them anyway b/c I enjoy their company), just that is how our family works.

 

[stinkerbellsmomm]

I must be the most spoiled DIL in the world. This September will be the third year in a row that my DMIL will be joining us on a Disney trip. She pays for room, park tickets, dining (which will be free this year), airfare for herself and my DS5. I pay for DH and myself, and then DD2.5 and DS1 are free. She gets a seperate room for DS and herself (we've only stayed at value). And she is constantly helping us with the kids while we are there, including things the first year when she stayed at hotel with the kids one night (they were 3 and 18 months that year) so DH and I could go out to pleasure island, last year she stayed back so baby & herself could take a nap a couple mid-days while DH and I took the older two kids to the pool.

She also lets (actually she expects) me to make all the plans, because she says she doesnt know anyone know could plan our trip as well as I do as far as dining, park plans, evening activites. I usually ask her input during my planning process, but she always says whatever I think we will all enjoy.

Now we have never asked (nor expected) her for money towards the trip, babysitting, etc. She wont go on the trip unless we let her pay for herself & DS. If she ever asked for a little alone time we would absolutely want her to have some time to relax, but she seems to want to spend all her time with the kids/us. We want her to enjoy herself and for the children to enjoy being with her. And she always is soooo excited to be coming and spending time with us. These are also her ONLY grand-children, and her husband is gone too, so at home she is alone alot, so she dedicates ALOT of time to my kids. We consider ourselves to be SUPER lucky, and after readin the original post here I consider myself even that much MORE lucky now! But I am still having a hard time understanding how so many posters can be so nasty to the original poster.

**Side note, DMIL is also no spring chicken, she is 65-years old and really keeps up all three grandkids!!

 

[floydfamily4]

We are going on a family vacation on Nov. and I have invited my DMIL. Now because we invited her it meant we were a family of 5 and housing needs changed, (we'll be at WH instead of onsite due to space and $$)etc. I wanted to have a 2 or 3 bdr. so she could have her own space and a bonus is she will have her own room and bathroom as well. I did ask her if she would mind watching the kids 1 or 2 nights so DH and I could go out after the kids (twins 4.11) were down/settled for the night. She said no problem but I felt like I needed to "ask" her because even though we are paying for just about everything I want it to be a vacation. My primary reason for inviting her is 1) I love her company and 2) I wanted my twins to have a "vacation memory" with Granny. It can be a challenge to ask for help and recognize that in asking the answer might be "no" but I think it will "feel" more respectful if you ask. JMHO.

Good luck!