Can I vent?

[Dominus]

Easy people! Ya'll are way too hard on the OP. Asking over and over if she was clear with her mom about her intentions. Shouldn't her mom also make her intentions clear? If someone were offering to pay for me and expensive vacation I'd have to ask what the catch was. If she wants no part of watching the kids she should say something like "I'm not going to be your babysitter". Then the OP could decide if it's worth it to pay her way. Maybe her mom wants to go, but doesn't want to say that she won't keep the kids. Now, my advice to the OP. It's been my experience that if a grandparent doesn't freely offer to watch the grandkids, that they really don't want to . And that it's not a great idea to enter into an agreement with them that they're predisposed to break. Not everyone has great parents who are a pleasure to be with and that would do anything for their family. People who have parents like that often assume everyone does. This is not the case. Ease off of people.

 

[lirija]

But I am still having a hard time understanding how so many posters can be so nasty to the original poster.

Agreed. And I would like to commend the OP on not getting too defensive...I admire her measured responses to some of these posts.

I guess each family dynamic is different, and in some cultures, there are even specific role-expectations about rearing grandkids. Its interesting to hear all the differences.

 

[WDSearcher]

I had another thought. If you continue with your plans and mom goes, why not book a nice lunch for you and your mom when your DH arrives and let DH take the kids for a few hours while you treat mom to some special times for the two of you. It sounds like you are spending time with everyone, (mommy and dd time, and DH time) except your mom. I think it would be very touching if you planned a special event for just the two of you. I think it might be what you need. I only wish my mom was here to spend time with her today! Enjoy your time now.

This is a GREAT idea! I wish my mom were still around to do this with too.

 

[RabFlmom]

I feel your pain. I don't know if venting will help - it's an answer you need - and I ain't got one for you. Good Luck is all I can say and it sounds like you are going to need more then a little pixie dust and Disney Magic to solve your - um - situation. Or you could just say - "Hey mom, I'm paying for the whole &^#@ thing! Give it a rest and give me a break! GEEZ!

Wow what an attitude toward a parent? How would you have liked it if your parent had that attitude with you when you were a kid at Disney and said" Hey, kid, I'm paying for the whole **** thing so you stay in the room while I go meet Mickey! "

Geesh ..... I say give mom a break---enjoy your time with her while she is here with you. I'd give anything if I could have taken my mom to Disney with my children just once---shoot I would be tickled to death if she would have lived long enough to meet my kids just once. Be thankful you have a mom you can enjoy your vacation with.

Maybe while your husband is there with you , you and mom could have a day with just the 2 of you doing special things together that she likes to do, too. Maybe making mom feel special and loved would maybe change the attitude she is having. Personally I would feel like I was being used if my sons only wanted me on the trip to watch the grandkids. Thank God mine seem to like to see my reaction to things and take me to experience things I probably would not do without them encouraging me to go do with them.

 

[mefordis]

Okay, I feel like I'm going batty going back and forth with what I want to do. All of your advice has been read and weighed carefully. I think I want to go with the original plan:

- My mom will come with us for 6 nights and I will make it crystal clear that most of the time we will tour as a family. I'll also ask her what she wants to do and when she wants to be left alone for some solo time. I know up front she likes about 1 hour in the morning to get ready, so I won't bug her at that time.

- My dh will join us for 3 nights at the end of the trip. This is all he says he really wants to do anyway.

This solution ends up being less expensive in the long run because dh insists on an extra room for the added space. He's a night owl and of course the kids go to bed early. If it were only us we'd need 2 rooms at the bc or a 1 bedroom villa for 5 nights (no way can I go to wdw for just 3 nights!)

Thoughts on this?

 

[Gabes_mommy]

OP - I would let your mother off the hook and go on your own or see if someone else wants to go with you. You said that she is sick of Disney so she probably just doesn't want to go but doesn't want to let you down.

My mom is my best friend too but she doesn't love Disney - she'll tolerate it every few years for a few days but there is no way she would want to go as often as I do and that's OK. Sometimes I wonder how I'm even her child.

I hope it all works out whatever you decide.

 

[WDSearcher]

Sounds like you really want to go to Disney, but no one else much does (except the kids), and you're trying to work it out so everyone is happy.

You want to celebrate something special, and I get that. But if you're celebrating that by going to a place no one else isn't all that into, are you going to get out of that celebration what you want? You're already worried about dealing with your mom, your DH isn't all that excited about going, and you've got a baby to deal with. Are you sure you're not setting yourself up for disappointment?

I don't suppose there's any way you can leave the baby home with DH and just take a short celebration trip with DD5, is there? That seems like it would give you much more of what you want. It also allows your mom to save her money and stay home and your DH doesn't have to deal with Disney!

Just a thought ...

 

[CathieArms]

I haven't read all the responses or any updates you might've made, but...

*IF* you invited your mother with the understanding that you were inviting her because you needed help with the kids (i.e. a nanny), then I think your vent is warranted. If, however, you invited your mother EXPECTING her to take this role without having ASKED her, then I think you need to step back.

Personally, I think it'd be cheaper to have one of Disney's on-site babysitters come in and stay with the baby when you need to go out.

 

[trainingupmy4princes]

I must be the most spoiled DIL in the world. This September will be the third year in a row that my DMIL will be joining us on a Disney trip. She pays for room, park tickets, dining (which will be free this year), airfare for herself and my DS5. I pay for DH and myself, and then DD2.5 and DS1 are free. She gets a seperate room for DS and herself (we've only stayed at value). And she is constantly helping us with the kids while we are there, including things the first year when she stayed at hotel with the kids one night (they were 3 and 18 months that year) so DH and I could go out to pleasure island, last year she stayed back so baby & herself could take a nap a couple mid-days while DH and I took the older two kids to the pool.

She also lets (actually she expects) me to make all the plans, because she says she doesnt know anyone know could plan our trip as well as I do as far as dining, park plans, evening activites. I usually ask her input during my planning process, but she always says whatever I think we will all enjoy.

Now we have never asked (nor expected) her for money towards the trip, babysitting, etc. She wont go on the trip unless we let her pay for herself & DS. If she ever asked for a little alone time we would absolutely want her to have some time to relax, but she seems to want to spend all her time with the kids/us. We want her to enjoy herself and for the children to enjoy being with her. And she always is soooo excited to be coming and spending time with us. These are also her ONLY grand-children, and her husband is gone too, so at home she is alone alot, so she dedicates ALOT of time to my kids. We consider ourselves to be SUPER lucky, and after readin the original post here I consider myself even that much MORE lucky now! But I am still having a hard time understanding how so many posters can be so nasty to the original poster.

**Side note, DMIL is also no spring chicken, she is 65-years old and really keeps up all three grandkids!!

While I understand her wanting to pay her own way. I'm not sure why she feels she has to pay for your kid's way.

OP: I think letting your mom "off the hook" so to speak is best. While I understand you were wanting your mom along to spend time with with only a few babysitting times, she is clearly not wanting to this year. My mom is going with us this year to help with our 1 autistic son and the preschooler (instead of babyswap- she doesn't ride the thrill rides) at the parks and when I asked her for a dinner out w/ DH she was telling me she felt I wasn't asking enough of her and to take several nights out. Now, I think she picks up on the fact that with our ASD son our marriage has been strained and she wants us to have time to connect without stress. I appreciate it but it was an unexpected offer as my parents get older I feel they want to be able to offer things not be expected to do things. Maybe in a couple years she'll feel like another trip with your family but for now she is sending signals that she doesn't want to this time. I have also heard good things about the hotel babysitting at WDW so that might be an option if DH and you want a dinner out.

 

[mefordis]

That is a good idea, except I couldn't bear to be away from my 1 year old for more then one night.

Sounds like you really want to go to Disney, but no one else much does (except the kids), and you're trying to work it out so everyone is happy.

You want to celebrate something special, and I get that. But if you're celebrating that by going to a place no one else isn't all that into, are you going to get out of that celebration what you want? You're already worried about dealing with your mom, your DH isn't all that excited about going, and you've got a baby to deal with. Are you sure you're not setting yourself up for disappointment?

I don't suppose there's any way you can leave the baby home with DH and just take a short celebration trip with DD5, is there? That seems like it would give you much more of what you want. It also allows your mom to save her money and stay home and your DH doesn't have to deal with Disney!

Just a thought ...

 

[MasterShake2]

I love all the people that automatically assume the OP is using her mom like a slave. Here are my feelings:

1 - Your mom has some nerve to expect her own bathroom when she is not paying the bill.

2 - Your mom should HELP with the kids. She should also have plenty of time to enjoy herself.

3 - If she can't deal with sharing a room and helping with the kids then do as a previous poster suggested. Leave mom at home and get a babysitter.

Over the years my father has become nearly unbearable to be around for more then a few hours. We love him but will not take an expensive vacation with him. He is very cranky and expects everyone to do what he wants. We tried a Disney vacation with him once and never invited him since. Only you know your specific situation so ignore those that assume you are mistreating your mother.

 

[trainingupmy4princes]

Sounds like you really want to go to Disney, but no one else much does (except the kids), and you're trying to work it out so everyone is happy.

You want to celebrate something special, and I get that. But if you're celebrating that by going to a place no one else isn't all that into, are you going to get out of that celebration what you want? You're already worried about dealing with your mom, your DH isn't all that excited about going, and you've got a baby to deal with. Are you sure you're not setting yourself up for disappointment?

I don't suppose there's any way you can leave the baby home with DH and just take a short celebration trip with DD5, is there? That seems like it would give you much more of what you want. It also allows your mom to save her money and stay home and your DH doesn't have to deal with Disney!

Just a thought ...

I think this is a good idea. If your mom doesn't really want to go and your DH isn't into the idea things could go downhill. Another idea is wait a year maybe by then DH will want to go again and the baby will be old enough to enjoy more out of it. We have done the trip with family that didn't really want to go and I ended up frustrated by everything and feeling like we wasted a lot of money for not enjoying much. (Due to the problems with said unenthusiastic family members.) So last year I did a quick weekend trip with my sisters to recapture the magic. And now this year our family is ready to go back and everyone is looking forward to it. Which will make it seem worth all that money. After all you can still celebrate next year WDW will still be there. Just a thought.

 

[topmonkeygirl]

Come on people she's not asking for her mom to be a nanny just asking her to help her out a little by staying with the 1 year old while while it naps. Why doesn't Grandma want to spend some alone time with her grand child anyway? It's not that hard looking after a sleeping one year old, grandma also gets a break out of the heat for a couple of hours.

Mom also said she would like a little alone time with her DH, not all the time alone with him. Mom said she was planning on taking the 5 year old to the kids club. If she puts the one year old down before they go out Grandma has nothing to do but sit back and rest. She did after all say she wanted some alone time, there ya go. Mom didn't say that she wanted to go out every night with DH just an evening. That's pretty fair.

On the other hand Grandma might feel more appreciated if you do something special for her, like have a gift basket waiting for her when you get there, or order a special cake saying thank-you from one of the resteraunts. Also what about Grandma taking the 5 year old to the pool a day or 2 if she wants and you stay with the napping child.

I really like the idea of getting a villa or a suite. There are suites at all 3 price range resorts. I think they have 2 bathrooms, but I'm not positive.

I would just sit down and explain to her that you're not taking her to watch the kids oll of the time but you would need a little help at least until the hubby gets there, and let her know that you don't want to invade her space.

Good luck I feel for you.

 

[Praying Colonel]

I definitely would not be treating my mom like a slave.

When you post things like "she is laying down demands like...her own personal time, etc.," it reads that way. Sorry if I took it the wrong way.

Still, I think it's good to have a talk with Mom so you two can understand each other's expectations and decide if it's going to happen on those terms.

 

[trainingupmy4princes]

I don't think the problem is whether the OP wants the mom to be a nanny or not. This issue has been addressed as she only wants a few times at the pool and a dinner out w/ DH. The bigger problem is the insistence on going when noone else truly wants to. Her DH doesn't really want to and her mom is going so as not to disappoint her daughter. When you end up doing something you don't want to to make someone else happy you end up feeling resentful or unhappy. This may be why the mom is not acting like her "fun" self she has in the past. I think it is best to let the mom off the hook and rethink this whole trip, with either shortening to a 5 day trip that maybe DH would do or a trip w/ DD alone or rescheduling. OP I can understand your dilemna as sometimes I want to go back to disney before anyone else does but this situation doesn't sound good as your mom may not say anything outright but may passively let bad feelings out along the trip because she really doesn't want to be there. Good luck deciding what to do.

 

[tecdavidt]

All I can say is good luck with your trip and tread lightly ahead.

My cousin took her mother on a family trip on the old "Big Red Boat" and short WDW vacation years ago. Now my aunt loved to babysit her grandchildren but something went wrong this trip. When she got back she complained to my mother (her sister) that she was used as a babysitter and spent most of her trip in the cabin babysitting. Now my cousin's children were young but in grade school, no toddlers or infants. Even my cousin has no idea why her mother claims she was "used as a babysitter". We will never know why this grandma became grumpy about the trip. She never vacationed with them after that trip.

Listen to your own heart. If you feel your mom may not really want to go and wants an out, give her the out. Maybe plan a trip for only you and your DH? a short trip and hire a nanny for at home? I am just tossing suggestions on other ideas for the vacation. The villa may work. We have stayed in the DVC one bedroom rooms and they only have one toilet room but extra sinks. The AK DVC rooms have two seperate bathrooms for the one bedroom so they Villas there must be wonderful. Extra space makes a vacation much more relaxing if one came afford the splurge.

Vacations are expensive so think it all through before you choose an option you wished you hadn't done. We did that two years ago and it was the worst vacation we every had. We took my step son, his girlfriend and her then 7 yr old son on a Disney land and cruise. The most expensive trip we have every taken because we had two nights at the Poly concierge MK view, then we were on the 7 day cruise in a mid ship cat 3 and they had their own ocean view room. Well, the WDW part was awesome, the 7 yr old son stayed in their room but when we got to the ship they talked my husband into letting her son spend the night in our room so they had "alone" time. One night ended up being 6 of the 7 nights! Finally my husband had enough and told his son, no more. In the mean time our 15 yr old daughter had to put up with this 7 yr old teasing her. She ended up leaving us a lot to avoid the child. Our daughter also did not like the fact that she was sleeping in the same open room as this "stranger to her" child. My husband and I spent most evenings in our room because 7 yr old boy did not like kids clubs. It was a vacation we wished we never took. So please, learn from our mistake. Think through before you make a decision. It sounds like you are. Let us know how it plays out.

*you are not alone. We too can not get enough of the magic at WDW.

Kathy

 

[celerystalker]

Ditch your mom and I'll be your babysitter/slave! I'm dreading my upcoming solo trip as it is. I love sharing WDW with everyone - whether they are 5 months or 99 years! PM me.

 

[ma2jr]

I think when you look back this will have been a trip with many fun-filled memories..

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

I did invite my mom for companionship first and foremost. But I don't think she fully believes me when I tell her that.

I didn't mean to imply that you didn't want her company as well as her help. It does sound like either she doesn't want to go or there has been a communication breakdown concerning what you want for the trip and what she wants for the trip.

 

[Venoxen]

My appoligies for basically calling the OP a witch. But come on its your mother!!! Be nice, has she taken you to the world? Changed you diapers??? Its your mom so buy her a house and a car and whatever else she would like and who else would deny their mom? If she wants her own room and bathroom make it happen its a vacation!!