Can I vent about my snowflake and school?

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I'm all for participation but the one thing missing here is how your DS feels about the way things went. Not all kids like the spotlight and some are much happier being worker bees in the background which is what Stage Crew is I think. I understand you would have liked your DS to be part of the mix and would have liked them to give him a push towards trying but maybe your DS was more stressed about this than you realize. Maybe his teachers saw this and let him be who he is. Not everyone is comfortable with throwing themselves out there to be criticized... I know I always hated it. Did your DS ever complain to you about his position or was he content?

Stage Crew is not what I'm upset about, first of all it was an extracurricular so it makes sense to have auditions, and secondly he did something and contributed something. I actually gave it as an example of the fact that he can participate and chooses to participate (I didn't make him do the play at all). If there were the equivalent of stage crew in the classroom I'd be fine. For example, if he made the poster explaining the science concept and someone else talks, or he wrote the questions and answers for the Jeopardy game, or wrote some of the poetry that was up on the wall but didn't read it aloud).

As far as them recognizing this "stress", then they have a responsibility to tell me. It's not like they haven't had 15 parent teacher conferences, 10 report cards, and 2 child study teams (which I requested so that we could look into the issue, and at which they insisted that he was "fine" and that it was just a coincidence and he'd be chosen next time).

This time every kid that came to the science showcase explained something scientific/did something scientific except mine -- they didn't all have 3 things or 4 things to do like his best friend, but every other 5th grader had at least one. Most of them had artwork, posters, etc . . . on display -- I didn't actually check to see if if was everyone.

As far as whether he wants to, he never complains about not doing it, but he was so excited about the Spanish poem (which the whole class recited in unison) practicing in front of the mirror, telling me "I'll be on the right, look for me", he chose to audition for the play . . . I don't know that he's dying to do these things, but I do thing he was willing to do them.

 

[ilovefh]

I see what you're saying OP. If he doesn't want to perform, fine, no big deal. BUT I think what has you worried is the work leading up to the performance is part of the curriculum and if he isn't doing that work, he is not learning. I have known lots of kids who didn't like to perform, read their pieces aloud, but they still had to complete them. I think that is where the problem lies in this school.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

You didn't answer my question. Does he want to even be there?

If he was like this for five years, why didn't you jump up to the occasion sooner instead of just relying on just what the teachers and principal stated?

Up until last year he didn't want to leave. If I mentioned moving him he'd cry and say he liked his friends and his teachers. I had heard from so many people that the fifth grade teacher was great, so I decided to leave him there through then and let him start middle school somewhere when everyone is new. This year he's been willing to look, and when he saw some of what the other schools were offering he was willing to move.

Please give me an example of something (other than moving to another state which is what we're doing) that I could have done. I wrote letters, requested meetings, brought it up at parent teacher conferences. I put him in extracurricular activities so he'd keep his confidene up. I did academic work with him outside of school so I could be sure he was learning.

We are moving -- it will mean a 40 minute commute for me round trip, and a small apartment rather than a house like we have now. It's also a much much bigger school (400 kids per grade rather than 25), which wouldn't be my first choice for a slightly shy kid.

 

[Christine]

We're leaving the school after this year, and moving to a better school district where he can go to a regular public school (the schools in my city are awful), so this is venting not a WWYD, but I wonder if people think I'm overreacting -- would you expect every child to get a turn?

I don't think you are overreacting. The basic concept of the school sounds fabulous. And as you are seeing, there are a lot of people/kids in the world who are vocal, they are leaders, they demand the center of attention, etc. There is nothing wrong with that, but in this type of learning environment, the teachers/administration needs to make sure that every student gets a chance at "showcasing" even if they are shy. The "actors" in this school are sometimes going to have to take a back seat and the teachers are going to have to insist that your son take a more active role. They aren't, they are letting it slide so, in this way, this school is not a good fit for your son.

You may find that when your son does get to public school, those vocal and extroverted kids will still be there taking center stage. The upside is that your son should have another arena to have his skills assessed.

 

[golfgal]

Up until last year he didn't want to leave. If I mentioned moving him he'd cry and say he liked his friends and his teachers. I had heard from so many people that the fifth grade teacher was great, so I decided to leave him there through then and let him start middle school somewhere when everyone is new. This year he's been willing to look, and when he saw some of what the other schools were offering he was willing to move.

Please give me an example of something (other than moving to another state which is what we're doing) that I could have done. I wrote letters, requested meetings, brought it up at parent teacher conferences. I put him in extracurricular activities so he'd keep his confidene up. I did academic work with him outside of school so I could be sure he was learning.

We are moving -- it will mean a 40 minute commute for me round trip, and a small apartment rather than a house like we have now. It's also a much much bigger school (400 kids per grade rather than 25), which wouldn't be my first choice for a slightly shy kid.

Actually, having a larger class will probably be MUCH better for him. He will be able to find kids like him and feel more comfortable with them. If the 24 other kids in his grade now are all about being outgoing and performing and he is not, that alone has to make him feel uncomfortable but since he doesn't know any differently, he probably doesn't even realize that.

I don't know what else you could have done other then move him earlier. Sometimes you just have to slap on the big girl panties and go against what the kid wants when you know it is the best for him. He can still keep in touch with his old friends quite easily through facebook, texting, etc.

 

[Cornhusk]

Please give me an example of something (other than moving to another state which is what we're doing) that I could have done. I wrote letters, requested meetings, brought it up at parent teacher conferences. I put him in extracurricular activities so he'd keep his confidene up. I did academic work with him outside of school so I could be sure he was learning.

How about seeing this problem in the first year instead of five years of not participating in the performance beyond passing out pamphlets? Weekly meetings with the teachers? As strange as this sounds, a larger school may be the best option for him. Not only because he will be comfortable but to make new friends but also he will not be expected to perform out of his comfort level.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Actually, having a larger class will probably be MUCH better for him. He will be able to find kids like him and feel more comfortable with them. If the 24 other kids in his grade now are all about being outgoing and performing and he is not, that alone has to make him feel uncomfortable but since he doesn't know any differently, he probably doesn't even realize that.

I don't know what else you could have done other then move him earlier. Sometimes you just have to slap on the big girl panties and go against what the kid wants when you know it is the best for him. He can still keep in touch with his old friends quite easily through facebook, texting, etc.

To be clear, I wasn't saying "he doesn't want to leave" as a reason why we didn't move -- I make those decisions, not him, and I felt like staying was the right choice when we did, and now it's time to move. I was giving it as an answer to the "does he like it there", "does he want to be there" questions.

He's a super social kid, makes friends easily, he'll make new friends at the new place. I do worry that he'll kind of slip under the radar there too, but he can't really slip any further, if you know what I mean, and he'll keep his old friends too, he'll still be on the sports teams with them, and see them on weekends.

Do people really let their 11 year olds go on facebook?

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

How about seeing this problem in the first year instead of five years of not participating in the performance beyond passing out pamphlets? Weekly meetings with the teachers? As strange as this sounds, a larger school may be the best option for him. Not only because he will be comfortable but to make new friends but also he will not be expected to perform out of his comfort level.

I brought it up at every single parent conference (including the ones before the first showcase in first grade when I didn't know there was a problem, but told them that he came home talking a lot about hoping to be chosen to lead the assembly, but was probably too shy to ask them, and could they ask him in he wanted to do it), I met with the principal in 2nd and then in later years. I requested the child study process. Are you saying I didn't see the problem because I didn't tell you?

 

[Cornhusk]

I brought it up at every single parent conference (including the ones before the first showcase in first grade when I didn't know there was a problem, but told them that he came home talking a lot about hoping to be chosen to lead the assembly, but was probably too shy to ask them, and could they ask him in he wanted to do it), I met with the principal in 2nd and then in later years. I requested the child study process. Are you saying I didn't see the problem because I didn't tell you?

Whoa, what is that about?

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Okay, clearly the shyness is something your son has to work at. It's not just an aspect of his personality that others have to work around, it's something he has to stop in order to make something of himself in the world. Sure, maybe the teachers should be helping him with this, but you can too.

Tell him, "Son, next time you will volunteer for the first thing suggested. If you do not get it, volunteer for the next one. Volunteer for them ALL! Your father and I WANT to see you doing one of the special performances, and if we do not then we will be very disappointed in you. If you volunteer for all the special performances and still do not get one, come talk to me."

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

I'm really stunned that you've tolerated this situation for as long as you have. The lack of concrete feedback on the part of the school, and the total lack of participation from your son, are two huge red flags. There's no way I would have left my child in such a program.

I also find it very difficult to believe that you had NO other options. There are always options! In our area, there are several regular private schools, and several religious schools of various denominations. They have big signs out front, stating that financial aid is available if needed. Even my son's preschool--PRESCHOOL--offers financial aid to those who need it. I also know of several families who rent, rather than buy, jsut to live in a better school district.

As a mom, I would never have allowed this situation to get to this point. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but if my child needed a better education, i would be living in a shoebox and eating mac and cheese every night to meet his needs.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Oh for pete's sake.


(That's the second time in two minutes I've posted that on a thread. What is WRONG with people today?!)

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

but if my child needed a better education, i would be living in a shoebox and eating mac and cheese every night to meet his needs.

Sounds like a safe place to raise your child.

 

[Scurvy]

I was a shy kid for most of my school years, and would never have volunteered to do anything in public. I would have been the first to volunteer to give up my part in just about anything.

That was me for most of my school years, too. If I had been thrown into a school where the emphasis was on performance, I would have been horribly stressed and would have withdrawn even more than I did in "normal" school. A school like this one would have been pure torture for me. OP, it sounds like your son is in the same boat. While I do agree that the teachers should have forced your son to be more "front and center" some of the time, I can understand why they might not have wanted to. It's hard to force someone to participate in such a public way when they really don't want to, especially when the other students do really want to. If your son was constantly hanging back, trying not to get chosen (which is what I would have done) and he was constantly volunteering to be the one left out, I can understand why the teachers wouldn't have wanted to force him.

Charter schools are great, for those who fit the teaching style they use. For the other students, they can be much worse than a "normal" school would have been, since the teaching styles at "normal" schools tend to cater a little bit to everyone instead of focusing primarily on those who learn one certain way. Obviously this school wasn't a great fit for him. Hopefully after your move he will really begin to thrive in an environment that is more suited to him.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I'm really stunned that you've tolerated this situation for as long as you have. The lack of concrete feedback on the part of the school, and the total lack of participation from your son, are two huge red flags. There's no way I would have left my child in such a program.

I also find it very difficult to believe that you had NO other options. There are always options! In our area, there are several regular private schools, and several religious schools of various denominations. They have big signs out front, stating that financial aid is available if needed. Even my son's preschool--PRESCHOOL--offers financial aid to those who need it. I also know of several families who rent, rather than buy, jsut to live in a better school district.

As a mom, I would never have allowed this situation to get to this point. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but if my child needed a better education, i would be living in a shoebox and eating mac and cheese every night to meet his needs.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I brought it up at every single parent conference (including the ones before the first showcase in first grade when I didn't know there was a problem, but told them that he came home talking a lot about hoping to be chosen to lead the assembly, but was probably too shy to ask them, and could they ask him in he wanted to do it), I met with the principal in 2nd and then in later years. I requested the child study process. Are you saying I didn't see the problem because I didn't tell you?

I really hate to say this but honestly I think you needed to be more aggressive. After the first year if you had to call that school every week you should have. Once you found out that your child had not been chosen for anything the 2nd time you should have been up there with the principal. I am not trying to be terrible here but sometimes you have to be a nuisance when it comes to certain things. At the end of the day YOU know that your child needs to do this work. You have to make sure it happens sometimes. Also, I personally would not want only 25 kids per grade. IMO there will never be a chance for your child to change how he is perceived because he is with a very small group. So he may blossom over the years but the teachers and kids already have him pegged in a role. Good luck with the junior high. I think it will be much better for him but I would be concerned that now he is going to actually have tests and homework and he never did.

 

[golfgal]

To be clear, I wasn't saying "he doesn't want to leave" as a reason why we didn't move -- I make those decisions, not him, and I felt like staying was the right choice when we did, and now it's time to move. I was giving it as an answer to the "does he like it there", "does he want to be there" questions.

He's a super social kid, makes friends easily, he'll make new friends at the new place. I do worry that he'll kind of slip under the radar there too, but he can't really slip any further, if you know what I mean, and he'll keep his old friends too, he'll still be on the sports teams with them, and see them on weekends.

Do people really let their 11 year olds go on facebook?

Yes, people do. Facebook is an easily managed social tool for kids. It is only as "dangerous" as you allow. If he is only friends with his old friends from school, what is the problem with that? I have 3 teenagers and have NEVER had an issue with Facebook AT ALL. My kids aren't allowed to be friends with people they don't know and that takes care of any issues.

 

[Imzadi]

Up until last year he didn't want to leave. If I mentioned moving him he'd cry and say he liked his friends and his teachers.

There is a concept called The 6 Human Needs, that every human universally has. The degree of the need changes according to each person, but we all need them. The ones relevant to this discussion are: The Need for Significance - a need to be in the spotlight, to star, to stick out, etc. These would be those natural performers at your DS's school, the actors, the leaders.

Another need is The Need for Connection - it is to be connected to other humans, to be part of a group or family, to belong, to matter. THIS is probably why your DS cries at the thought of leaving his friends at school. This need is very important to him. More important than the Need for Significance. He doesn't fit at the school. He hasn't had any other school environment, so he really has no reference point that school can be another way. But, he does have his friends and he loves his connection with them. So of course, he's going to be upset at leaving them. But, he doesn't belong at this school. (That part you already know.)

But he's not painfully shy, just a little. He likes to perform but his voice is low when he does so, and sometimes he mumbles a little. He also doesn't ask as strongly as other kids who beg for all the starring roles. This time, he was perfectly happy to invite people in, make suggestions of where they should go, etc . . . His shyness comes in to play when it comes to advocating for himself, so when the teacher asks He tried out for the school play on his own accord last year .

Perhaps your child is just trying to please you? His need for connection is such that he's willing to audition for all this stuff, but it is to please YOU, more than it makes him happy. His pleasing you is what makes him happy. This stuff was a value to YOU, not to him, but he was willing to do it, as it makes YOU happy. parents try all the time to make their kids into something they are not, or don't really want to be, like the star baseball player. The kid goes along with it to make their parents happy.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I would move if those were my two choices for schools. The touchy/feely model you describe does NOT work anywhere except in the parents minds. How can you get a report card that your child is "at grade level" when they have nothing to measure that by?

It also sounds like, if he's performing "at grade level" without really getting much of the work done that the school seems to 'require' - that he'll do fantastic once you move to where he can attend a regular school.

Congratulations on the move; it's too bad this school isn't as fair as they claim to be in rotating all the assignments, work, displays, etc.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Yes, people do. Facebook is an easily managed social tool for kids. It is only as "dangerous" as you allow. If he is only friends with his old friends from school, what is the problem with that? I have 3 teenagers and have NEVER had an issue with Facebook AT ALL. My kids aren't allowed to be friends with people they don't know and that takes care of any issues.

To be clear, I'm not judging people who let their 11 year olds go on facebook, I'm saying I've never met one -- which is to say that none of the kids my child knows are allowed to do it. He's never asked, of course, because he knows he's not allowed to talk to strangers on line, and no one he knows is on facebook, so what would be the point?

If he asked, I'd look into it, but my understanding is that you have to be a certain age to sign up -- 13 or something. Maybe I'm wrong, but I wouldn't allow my child to do something where he had to lie about his age to participate. Even if I thought the rule was dumb, I'd still expect my child to respect it.