Can I vent about my snowflake and school?

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Perhaps your child is just trying to please you? His need for connection is such that he's willing to audition for all this stuff, but it is to please YOU, more than it makes him happy. His pleasing you is what makes him happy. This stuff was a value to YOU, not to him, but he was willing to do it, as it makes YOU happy. parents try all the time to make their kids into something they are not, or don't really want to be, like the star baseball player. The kid goes along with it to make their parents happy.

I see your point, but this isn't actually my kid you're describing. I was a painfully shy kid, he's not, it's subtle and more like an initial hesitance. I didn't ask him to try out for the play, or even suggest it. He came home from school and said "try outs for the play are next week, can I stay late?" and I said yes.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

i would be living in a shoebox and eating mac and cheese every night to meet his needs.

But would you have moved your child into a shoebox, and fed him mac and cheese? If so, your values are different from mine. Moving my child before fourth grade would have meant him living in a tiny one bedroom apartment. It would have meant he'd be at school/childcare 11 hours a day because of the commute. Given that I had the ability to keep him up academically easily, I chose to leave him there, where he was happy (there's an implication throughout this that he was miserable, he wasn't. People are going to have to trust me on that), rather than subject him to that. I sought a new job with higher pay, I saved up, and now we're able to move and still have him have his own room (as is separate from mom, sharing with a sibling would be fine, except he's an only child) -- that was important to me.

As for private schools, I'm glad you have those options. Where I live private schools are both ridiculously expensive, and ridiculously competitive. We applied to multiple schools for PreK, K and 1st, and this school was the first time he got in anywhere that we could afford. Other times he was either passed over for non-financial aid candidates or we'd get a letter saying the he qualified for $28,000 in aid (I'm not exaggerating) but that they didn't have any, so sorry.

I raised concerns with the principal in second, because the second incident happened at the end of the year showcase in first grade. After the first showcase in second I initiated the child study process. I didn't wait around for things to fix themselves.

 

[Scurvy]

If he asked, I'd look into it, but my understanding is that you have to be a certain age to sign up -- 13 or something. Maybe I'm wrong, but I wouldn't allow my child to do something where he had to lie about his age to participate. Even if I thought the rule was dumb, I'd still expect my child to respect it.

You're right. Facebook's rule is that no one under the age of 13 is permitted to have an account. Many parents have decided that the rule does not apply to their children. I'm with you, though. Even if I disagreed with the rule (which I really don't) I would still expect my son to respect it. It isn't my rule, so I'm not the one who has the right to tell my son it doesn't apply to him. I was surprised to discover that there are many parents who don't feel that way.

 

[golfgal]

To be clear, I'm not judging people who let their 11 year olds go on facebook, I'm saying I've never met one -- which is to say that none of the kids my child knows are allowed to do it. He's never asked, of course, because he knows he's not allowed to talk to strangers on line, and no one he knows is on facebook, so what would be the point?

If he asked, I'd look into it, but my understanding is that you have to be a certain age to sign up -- 13 or something. Maybe I'm wrong, but I wouldn't allow my child to do something where he had to lie about his age to participate. Even if I thought the rule was dumb, I'd still expect my child to respect it.

Then set him up with a computer camera and MSN IM and he can chat with is buddies that way. That is what our kids did when we moved when they were between 5th and 6th grade. Facebook wasn't really around then.

 

[MrsPete]

We're leaving the school after this year, and moving to a better school district where he can go to a regular public school (the schools in my city are awful), so this is venting not a WWYD, but I wonder if people think I'm overreacting -- would you expect every child to get a turn?

I think you've already solved your problem by choosing to go elsewhere. This seems to be an odd way to measure student's grades.

The thing is, how's he going to learn to do these things -- to step up, speak up, find his voice -- if he never gets a chance to do it?

Sounds to me like your son and that school are not a good mix.

Exactly what I was thinking.

Yes, he's perfectly happy to not have to do it, just like a lot of kids would be really happy not to have to solve any math problems in math class, or not write the essay in English.

Yeah, if I'd been allowed to do what I wanted, I'd never have learned my multiplication tables, and I certainly wouldn't have learned any higher-level math. The thing is, I am really GOOD at math, but I despise it. In retrospect, I am very glad that my teachers and my parents forced me to do something that I found disagreeable.

I already addressed the fact that this is the public school he got in to. I live in an area where schools are assigned by lottery. I could have chosen to send him to our local public, but the level of violence there is high, and very few kids end up knowing how to read.

This statement concerns me and makes me think that you're judging these schools without much knowledge about them. Yes, some schools are sadly lacking, but if "very few kids end up knowing how to read", the school should've been closed. In fact, it would've been law. I'm seeing some public-school snobbery here. Be sure he doesn't pick up on that as he begins his new public school.

My own kids started in a small private school, and they had a great kindergarten experience, but after that it was good. Just good. We couldn't see the sense in continuing to sacrafice financially for good. So we changed, and it was a big step UP academically for them.

Actually, having a larger class will probably be MUCH better for him. He will be able to find kids like him and feel more comfortable with them.

I agree. I also think that a "new start" will be good for him. I'd play this up: new friends, new methods, etc. It's vitally important that he have a strong start next fall.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Then set him up with a computer camera and MSN IM and he can chat with is buddies that way. That is what our kids did when we moved when they were between 5th and 6th grade. Facebook wasn't really around then.

Ummm, we're moving 40 minutes away, 20 minutes farther from his best friend (who lives 20 minutes away now). I'm not sure why he wouldn't just call his friends on the phone, meet them at the playground, play with them at soccer practice, swim practice, snowboarding lessons etc . . . You know, like kids have done for years.

I somehow think that I've given this impression that I have this incredibly pressured, vulnerable kid, who will need lots of hand holding, and is miserable at school, and terrified of public speaking. I don't. I have a happy, social, kid who has lots of friends and sometimes finds it challenging to advocate for himself in a group setting.

 

[golfgal]

But would you have moved your child into a shoebox, and fed him mac and cheese? If so, your values are different from mine. Moving my child before fourth grade would have meant him living in a tiny one bedroom apartment. It would have meant he'd be at school/childcare 11 hours a day because of the commute. Given that I had the ability to keep him up academically easily, I chose to leave him there, where he was happy (there's an implication throughout this that he was miserable, he wasn't. People are going to have to trust me on that), rather than subject him to that. I sought a new job with higher pay, I saved up, and now we're able to move and still have him have his own room (as is separate from mom, sharing with a sibling would be fine, except he's an only child) -- that was important to me.

As for private schools, I'm glad you have those options. Where I live private schools are both ridiculously expensive, and ridiculously competitive. We applied to multiple schools for PreK, K and 1st, and this school was the first time he got in anywhere that we could afford. Other times he was either passed over for non-financial aid candidates or we'd get a letter saying the he qualified for $28,000 in aid (I'm not exaggerating) but that they didn't have any, so sorry.

I raised concerns with the principal in second, because the second incident happened at the end of the year showcase in first grade. After the first showcase in second I initiated the child study process. I didn't wait around for things to fix themselves.

You have neglected another solution to this problem-long ago-you find another job in an affordable place to live. I know NOW things are tight in the job market but 4 years ago they were not. Even with the current job market, there are plenty of jobs to be had in better towns that are affordable.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I TEACH in a public school in my city, I believe strongly in public education, and have devoted my life/career to it. I do actually know what I'm talking about there.

ETA that this was in reply to Mrs. Pete's comment, Golfgal posted after I had already started to do this.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Wow.... judgmental much?

I almost never fit in at school... I loved school itself, but I wasn't very social. I was shy and quiet. I suppose the best solution would have been for my parents to up and move me to a new one where I would fit in better. Of course, that wouldn't have been good for my brother. So obviously my mom would just move to a new neighborhood with me, while my dad stayed at the old one so I could go to the school that best suited me and my brother could go to the best school that suited him.

Yes. That's exactly what they should have done. I'm going to call them right now and tell them what horrible parents they were for not meeting my needs.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

You have neglected another solution to this problem-long ago-you find another job in an affordable place to live. I know NOW things are tight in the job market but 4 years ago they were not. Even with the current job market, there are plenty of jobs to be had in better towns that are affordable.

So, because I'm upset that my child didn't get a part in the school showcase, at a school where he's happy, has friends, and is making good academic progress, I should give up my seniority/pension, rip my child away from both sides of his family, and his 2 grandmothers who love him more than life itself, and move to Minnesota where I might be able to find a school I liked better?

Just clarifying.

 

[kaytieeldr]

You have neglected another solution to this problem-long ago-you find another job in an affordable place to live. I know NOW things are tight in the job market but 4 years ago they were not. Even with the current job market, there are plenty of jobs to be had in better towns that are affordable.

Hindsight IS 20/20, isn't it? I bet if the OP knew five years ago what her son's learning experience was going to be like, she'd have done something different, sooner.

But she's not asking what she should have done differently. She's venting. It appears she has a good handle on the entire situation, and I still think if he was 'performing at grade level' with, really, only tangential participation, he's going to do GREAT in a regular school setting.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Yes. That's exactly what they should have done. I'm going to call them right now and tell them what horrible parents they were for not meeting my needs.

Hey! Don't you start! I can't call my parents and tell them what 'horrible' parents they were for not meeting my needs... while also trying to meet the needs of, and support, five other children - on one check, because that's just how things were done back then. Your parents, my parents, Mickey'snewestfan's parents, her son's parents... all did/do the best job possible raising us.

So, because I'm upset that my child didn't get a part in the school showcase, at a school where he's happy, has friends, and is making good academic progress, I should give up my seniority/pension, rip my child away from both sides of his family, and his 2 grandmothers who love him more than life itself, and move to Minnesota where I might be able to find a school I liked better?

Just clarifying.

Should have, should have - not "should". The Delorean burned up on its last reentry into 1985, remember? No more time machine, no way to go back now and change the way you did things. "All" you can do now is move forward. You can't change the past, you can only affect the future. Personally, I think you're doing great.

But then, what do I know? I didn't get over my shyness until last week. Okay, maybe last year.

 

[golfgal]

Hindsight IS 20/20, isn't it? I bet if the OP knew five years ago what her son's learning experience was going to be like, she'd have done something different, sooner.

But she's not asking what she should have done differently. She's venting. It appears she has a good handle on the entire situation, and I still think if he was 'performing at grade level' with, really, only tangential participation, he's going to do GREAT in a regular school setting.

Actually, she did specifically ask what she could have done differently if you check a few posts back. She knew at the end of 2nd grade that this school wasn't working and chose to do nothing about it for 3 more years. She asked for help, we have given her ideas, she doesn't like them, but that's the community board for you.

There is no way to know if he is going to do great in a regular setting or if he is 3 years behind because his progress has never been measured.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

You're ruining all my fun I've always told my parents how amazing they are... but now my eyes have been opened

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Actually, she did specifically ask what she could have done differently if you check a few posts back. She knew at the end of 2nd grade that this school wasn't working and chose to do nothing about it for 3 more years. She asked for help, we have given her ideas, she doesn't like them, but that's the community board for you.

There is no way to know if he is going to do great in a regular setting or if he is 3 years behind because his progress has never been measured.

3 years ago the economic troubles were already beginning. Even if I think moving would have been a good choice then, there's no way that 3 years ago I could have decided to move 4 years ago.

My son attends a public school, so obviously he takes statewide testing. I've also had him tested privately. I'm also a teacher so I have a pretty good sense of what "on grade level" looks like. I will stand by that statement.

 

[Magpie]

3 years ago the economic troubles were already beginning. Even if I think moving would have been a good choice then, there's no way that 3 years ago I could have decided to move 4 years ago.

My son attends a public school, so obviously he takes statewide testing. I've also had him tested privately. I'm also a teacher so I have a pretty good sense of what "on grade level" looks like. I will stand by that statement.

If he's on grade level, and happy, and well-adjusted, then what's the problem? It seems to me the school has done its job, even if you never actually got to see him perform.

Personally, I consider schools a useful tool, but ultimately I'm the one responsible for my children's education. I taught my children to read, do their sums, handle money... I've always known what they're learning and whenever they've needed help, I've helped them. If you're concerned that your son is missing out educationally, then you either do something about it, or you decide it's not that big a deal after all.

I'm sure your son's school is wonderful for many children. There are probably lots who flourish in that kind of environment. I know my daughter would have - when she was a little girl, she was always jumping to the front and enthusiastically volunteering to perform.

So the school wasn't an ideal fit for your son - he seems to have done fine, regardless.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I'm amazed at how judgmental some posts on this thread come across to me. Wow! Some folks should realize that just because private schools are affordable and easy to be accepted into where they live, it isn't like that that everywhere else in the U.S. (And frankly, I'm shocked that no one has started in on the OP for not homeschooling him. )

OP, I think when it comes to our children, most of us do the best with what we know and what we have at the time. We don't have crystal balls to see into the future and know how things will turn out years up the road.

I don't regret any of the decisions I've made in regard to my own child's education, but if I did have that crystal ball, I'd have started my kid a year later and not in the Catholic school. In the long run, everything has worked out for us, but as they say--hindsight is 20/20 and knowing what I know now, I'd have chosen a different path. But that doesn't mean I think I failed my child in any way regarding his education and neither should you.

 

[portocall]

OP, I totally get what you are saying. I would have thought that after you spoke to the teachers and the principal year after year they would have made sure your child got a part by now. I think that by moving him, especially now that he is open to the idea, is the perfect solution.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

But would you have moved your child into a shoebox, and fed him mac and cheese? If so, your values are different from mine.

Obviously, the shoebox was metaphorical. But, we did move to a house half the size of our old one, in order to have our kids in a great school district.

And our values are definitely different, if you've been going to WDW every year, while claiming to be unable to afford any other school choice for your child.

I also have a really, really tough time believing that an elementary school is so filled with violence and the children aren't learning to read. That's ridiculous. I think you made this choice, it worked for you, personally, and it was easier to go with the flow than actually make the changes in your life to improve your child's school situation.

I've got 4 kids, and I'm always very aware of what the school is doing (and not doing) for them. It's not easy, and the four of them have very different needs. But, it's what I signed up for. I have one in particular, she's special needs, and I'm very, very mindful that the public school may not be the best place for her. I monitor her situation closely, and I would yank her in a heartbeat if I thought she wasn't getting what she needed.

 

[JerseyJanice]

And our values are definitely different, if you've been going to WDW every year, while claiming to be unable to afford any other school choice for your child.

Don't know where the OP lives, but if it were New York City, she'd have to spend at least $30K per year on tuition for most private schools and that's if her child could get into one. The waiting lists for private schools in Manhattan are hundreds long.

Our annual WDW trip runs $3,000-$4,000. Giving that up would barely make a dent in what we'd have to pay for private school if we lived in the City.