Can I vent about family?

[daughtersrus]

Thanksgiving this year was at my BIL and SIL's house. They decided not to do anything fancy and served the food buffet style and everyone had to find a place to eat. There were about 20-25 of us all together. They only have 2 tables in the house that each sat about 6 so that left the rest to eat with their plates on their lap.

My youngest DD is disabled and uses a wheelchair. She isn't able to feed herself so I (or DH) have to do it for her. That's really difficult to do with a plate on your lap so I took her upstairs to eat at the dining room table as the other table was already full with teenage kids (not mine but from the other side of the family). I don't really know them well enough to ask them to move so that we could eat there.

My BIL and SIL are at the table with us. About 1/2 way through, BIL comes over behind DD and gets down on his hands and knees. He's looking at her wheelchair but doesn't say anything to me. He goes upstairs and comes down a few minutes later with a rug. He tells me that DD's wheelchair scratches their wood floor and if we have her chair in the living room or dining room, there has to be a rug under it. He said that last time we were there, they noticed all kinds of scratches in the floor from her chair.

I look at him completely shocked. First of all, I can't believe that her chair scratched the floor. There are two bicycle type wheels with two other rubber wheels up front. We've been to several other homes that have wood floors so I called all of them and asked them to be honest and tell me if they've seen any scratches. They all said no and asked me why I thought that the rubber wheels would cause scratches.

The second thing that made me mad is if he didn't want us in there, why didn't he (or his wife) go ask the kids at the other table to move upstairs so that we could sit there?

My DH is very angry! We're supposed to go there for Christmas but he's thinking about not going. If DD's chair is not wanted in their house, to us it's the same as saying that DD is not welcome there as the chair is and always will be part of her.

Keep in mind that DD is rarely, if at all, acknowledged by these cousins, aunt and uncle. They will greet DH or I with a hug and not even look at DD even though she is right in front of us because one of us is pushing her chair.

So tell me honestly, are we over-reacting?

 

[XYSRUS]

I'd be pissed. Really? Family has this kind of nerve? It breaks my heart to read this story and makes me mad! I would continue to visit with family but tell them to make sure you guys have a place to sit and let everyone-including your daughter and enjoy their meal. I have people over all the time and something always gets ruined and I would never say anything to my guests...never! Ooh..some people!

 

[purpletiger]

No, I do not think you are overreacting. I would have had the same reaction. Like you said rubber wheels do not scratch floors, that is why they make wheel chairs with rubber wheels for this very reason.

I would think there is some underlying reason as to why they are reacting this way. Like you said, they do not even acknowledge DD is even there. The very least they could at least say HI and give her a hug just to be polite.

 

[luvsJack]

I don't think you or your husband are over reacting. I wouldn't want to go there for Christmas at all either. How could you be comfortable and have an enjoyable holiday when they act as though your child is a problem to them?

And, the not acknowleding your dd would have been an issue for me long ago.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I'm mad reading this! What a crummy thing to do! I doubt I'd want to spend my holidays with people who didn't acknowledge my child, let alone blamed her for any kind of damage to their home.

 

[ogreenlee]

i would not go back.

 

[pearlieq]

Unless something was dragging or exposed there was no way her chair was scratching the floor. None on my mom's manual or power chairs have ever left a mark on our floors.

For what it's worth, you really could have asked the teenage boys to move. Even if you didn't know them well, if you had asked with a smile and briefly explained why, 99% of teenagers I know would have fallen all over themselves to accomodate you

That being said, I would also decline to go back for Christmas. They are treating your DD as if she is not wanted. To them, their floors are more important than her, and that's not OK.

If I recall correctly, you have a fairly large family. That should be plenty to make merry on your own for Christmas! Have a great holiday at home and don't look back!

 

[EthansMom]

If BIL really thought the chair was making scratches, then it would have been reasonable for him to politely point out a scratch that it had made and say, "Oh, it looks like DD's chair may be leaving scratches. Perhaps you could look and the chair and figure out why." While it is possible that one or both wheels had picked up some debris, which could cause small scratches, it's more likely that the scratches were from some other cause.

I think his insisting on putting a rug under her chair anytime you moved it was unreasonable.

I'd stay home for Christmas.

 

[moon]

And, the not acknowleding your dd would have been an issue for me long ago.

ITA. I would never go back to that house. It's obvious that they don't care for your DD. It can't be good for a child to grow up thinking that the way they treat and dismiss her is normal or acceptable. She deserves better.

I hope you can share future holidays with people who make *all* of you feel welcomed

 

[megthewonderful]

Just reading your post made me angry. I would definitely not go back for Christmas!

 

[padams]

No, you are not overreaching. I strongly suggest that you stay home for Christmas and establish some family traditions in your own home. Your kids will thank you for it some day.

 

[Poohs Pal]

Dson has been in a wheelchair and completly depended on others since age 13. He is now 30 so I have had a long time to get used to how others handle our situation. Some people just are not able to be comfortable around others disabilities. That does not mean they do not want you to be there. Next time you take DD with you and they acknowledge you and DH and not DD you could say" DD is also happy to see you" or something to that fact. I still have relatives who advert there eyes and pretend we are not there. I just feel bad for them.
I would not have been offended if Dbil told me that he would like to put something under Dson's wheelchair if he said it nicely. Maybe the reason it took him awhile to bring it up to you is becasue he was uncomfortable having to say something to you. Maybe he was worried he would offend you.
I would have asked the teens if they would mind giving up there seats and explain why and I am sure they would have been more that happy to be helpful. In my opinon they should not have had to be asked in the first place but teenagers can be clueless. Of course had I been a parent to one of the teens I would have asked them to move before you had to.....
If you really want to attend these family functions just be prepared next time. Bring something with you to put under DD wheelchair and don't worry about having to ask a teenager to please give up their seat. Next time you won't have to ask and you will have taught them a importent lesson that their Dparents obviously have not taken the time to do so.
Just relax and enjoy yourself. If the next time does not get any better and you have done everything you could to change the situation I would not go back. If you care about these family get togethers you don't want to stop going and isolating DD from these situation only makes the holiday difficult.
I hope after reading this you do not think that I am being critical of you. I also think it stinks that you were unable to enjoy your holiday. Susan

 

[momof1princess]

just reading your post made me angry! how DARE he! and how dare they not acknowledge your daughter as they would anyone else! if it were me, i'd never darken their door again and they wouldn't have to worry about scratches on their precious floor.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Wheelchair or not- if you don't acknowledge my kids you don't get a repeat meeting. I would not go back.

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

That's terrible that you and DD were treated like that. Hugs.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

We had a guest in our home with a wheelchair once. They were not family--but I coordinated with his wife to make sure that we were as accomodating as possible. We had a sunken living room and there was a step into our home.

They travel with a ramp and I believe we used the ramp to get him into the living room and brought everything to him. But it has been so long ago, I do not recall.

We did what WE could do to accomodate him. We did not expect him to accomodate us (by having a rug underneath the chair.). I didn't for once think that there was even a possibility for him to ruin floors. I mean--who does that???

What your relative did was horrible and he should be ashamed of himself.

I certainly wouldn't return to a private home that is so seemingly unaccomodating to a wheelchair and who feels it is okay to treat any person as though they were nonexistent. I mean, I don't expect them to make the whole home wheelchair accessible or anything--but for goodness sakes, this isn't the same as taking shoes off before entering the home.

 

[Missy1961]

No, you are not over-reacting. Not at all. And I wouldn't go there for Christmas or for anything until they at least acknowledged DD.

 

[kim929]

In our family the youngest gets up for an adult. They are teenagers, they should of offered a seat and room at the table. If it was my brother or sister, I would ask what the problem is that they can't acknowledge my daughter. but then again my brother and sister wouldn't treat someone like they weren't there.
I don't really get the rug thing, because the rug would have to be under the chair as it is being wheeled, not when it's stopped. Is he going to run in front of you laying more rug?

 

[clovergirl5]

I agree with everyone else here. How dare he say those things or treat your dd with disrespect by not even acknowledging her Im sorry you, dh and dd had to witness that. I definitely wouldn't be going back. They owe your family a huge apology.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I would not go back for Chrsitmas. I don't think I would be going back for any holiday as a matter of fact. I am sorry they were like that I am sorry.