Calling all parents

[Kurby]

oh i like the idea of a sticker board - maybe we can make it together and see if that works better

 

[MushyMushy]

With a 4 year old? I can't imagine punishing a 4-year old for not being able to clean.

I know with mine until they were even older than that, I did things right alongside them and made a game of it. See who could toss the most toys in the toy box, race to beat the clock, etc. But I was always working with them, not making them do it themselves.

 

[Kurby]

With a 4 year old? I can't imagine punishing a 4-year old for not being able to clean.
.

i didn't mean punish as in a spanking or grounded for a week i meant it as in i asked you to put your stuff away so we can go to the ikea park but now we aren't going because you won't put it away.

 

[Binnie]

My not-quite-4-year-old is able to follow instructions like the OP has mentioned (OK, not the blanket thing, but picking up her toys, for sure!). We started making her pick up her stuff when she was really young, so it's not strage for her.

We take away Scooby Doo or Princesses for the day when she misbehaves, which would include not following an instruction. We take away privileges, like bath vs. shower (she prefers a bath) or movies. She lost the privilege of seeing Toy Story in the theater because she had several temper tantrums, those sorts of things. We're trying to help her understand that there are consequences when you don't do what you're supposed to do. She's not fully there, there's a lot of whining that goes along, but she's getting it over time.

Just so no one thinks I'm mean, DD is otherwise thoroughly indulged! I make sure she has lots of privileges (so there's plenty I can take away when necessary!).

 

[npmommie]

ok i've got a question for you.

how do you deal/punish/ground a 4 year old who refuses to clean her room?

so far nothing i've done seems to phase her.

i've taken toys away, put her on time out, taken away "park time" ok ikea park but still.

i've sat with her, stood in the door, gone down the hall and it's like she's waiting till i get very angry then yells OK and halfasses it

i'm trying to be a different mother but i need some advice

I don't think a 4 yo should be punished or yelled at for not cleaning her room.
and I know you clarified that you are not saying "clean your room"
but I think 4 is still young and yes they do need to learn to keep their stuff neat and orderly, but I don't think punishing her is going to help.

I agree with the others . ....make it a game, sing songs, do it along with her, or make it a race like someone said.
positive reinforcement works way better than punishments.
when she does it, give her a special treat of some kind, ( a trip to the park, play a game, etc) doesn't have to be elaborate

I think "clean your room" is a tough concept at four.
Turn it into a game.

Saying let's see if you can pick up all your dolls before I say the alphabet.
Then move on to blocks
then stuffed animals.

Does she know where stuff goes? Is there one big toy box or labeled bins with photos? My son did much better when he knew exactly where something belonged.
Good luck!

I agree with this

i didn't mean punish as in a spanking or grounded for a week i meant it as in i asked you to put your stuff away so we can go to the ikea park but now we aren't going because you won't put it away.

taking away ikea park is a punishment, you said you would go then you don't go because she didn't make her bed,thats a punishment.

Is that her in your sig pictures? she is adorable!!!

 

[themilesfamily]

Similar to other posters, with my five year old we always make picking up into a game. A few she likes:

1) Putting toys away in her toybox, we play "basketball." We see how many baskets she can get by throwing her stuffed animals and other soft toys into the box. We'll say, "Let's see if you can get 10 points!"

2) We put a song on the CD player and say, "Let's see if we can pick up this whole room before the end of the song. If we can, you get to pick a reward." (We have a little reward box that we keep tiny toys in. When DD does something great, we let her pick out a toy.)

3) If I have something specific she needs to do, I'll say, "I'm going to time you! Let's see if you can do it in 30 seconds." Kids like to beat the clock!

When there's a whole room to be cleaned, I always clean along side her. I want to role model for her how to tackle a room. My mother was a hoarder and I was never taught how to clean or pick up -- I really had to learn it all as an adult. So I'm trying hard to teach DD the techniques and be a good role model for her.

Good luck!

 

[dicar123]

I think you need to choose your philosophy.

When you say, "You get 5 cents for X." it is implied that if the kid doesn't care about having 5 cents, then not doing the chore is fine. The same thing with other reward programs. Adding punishment (denial of going to the park or whatever) is unfair. You offered a choice and she chose the option you didn't like.

If your point is: this is your job because we take responsibility for our things and we all work together to have a tidy home. Then we work first and play after. There isn't a choice. Not going to the park is less "punishment" and more a natural consequence.

I think either will work with a 4 year old, and you aren't asking too much of her (you haven't said whether you are right there to help out if the blanket gets tangled or to surpervise. Leaving a 4 year old to her own devices often doesn't work). But mixing the two ideas can be confusing for some kids.

 

[bas71873]

yep this works for us too, I count down from say 50 and count real fast until about 20 and then I s l o w it down....they get a kick out of this.

another vote for this tactic. my DD's preschool used it but with a regular clock with numbers.....when the big hand gets to the 6 everything must be picked up. I went out a bought a princess clock with numbers so it was in her room and she could see it. Helps with time telling too

 

[Kurby]

When there's a whole room to be cleaned, I always clean along side her. I want to role model for her how to tackle a room. My mother was a hoarder and I was never taught how to clean or pick up -- I really had to learn it all as an adult. So I'm trying hard to teach DD the techniques and be a good role model for her.

Good luck!

can you teach me - i'm a pack rat and can't seem to get out from under my on stuff but i'm trying not to pass it on to dd

 

[teskak]

For me it is getting my 5 year old to put away her washing. Usually saturday I do the laundry sort of washing and divide it into baskets for DD room, our room, bathroom etc. The laundry goes into her room, and then she has the weekend to put it away - does not have to be immediate but she can pick a time to put it away. BUT is has to be put away in her cupboards & drawers (sorted correctly so that jumpers do not go with knickers etc) by the end of the weekend. If it is not done by dinner time sunday then her favourite toys (large Cinderella etc) which usually sleep on her bed go and spend time in the garage.

She can plan her weekend of when she would rather play etc but she does get reminders of what will happen if it is not done. Sometimes she will choose to have a nap rather then tidying - great but that does not stop Cinderella from sleeping out. I help with folding sheets etc but the big thing is trying to teach time management, planning and consequences for her actions.

It works, but there have also been tears when Cinderella sleeps out.

 

[BelleWDW]

ok i've got a question for you.

how do you deal/punish/ground a 4 year old who refuses to clean her room?

so far nothing i've done seems to phase her.

i've taken toys away, put her on time out, taken away "park time" ok ikea park but still.

i've sat with her, stood in the door, gone down the hall and it's like she's waiting till i get very angry then yells OK and halfasses it

i'm trying to be a different mother but i need some advice

I think you're stressing over silly things. I never had my kids at 4 "clean". They had a toy room and it was ok for that room to be a mess.
From your pic, you look like an older Mom-maybe expecting too much from such a little one?

 

[Acklander]

When my kids were that little we would do team work. I'd say, the beds need to be made, you help me make my bed and I'll help you make yours. Or for picking up toys we'd usually have a race to who could pick the toys up and put away quickest. I'd even do the "get ready, get set, go!!!!"
I never paid my kids for doing basic house hold chores. That's something we all as a family had to contribute to as part of living in the household.
Unfortunately these tricks never worked on DH.

 

[mtemm]

I don't think 4 is too young for what you are asking her to do. I wonder, however, if paying her for it makes it feel more optional for her? my kids (7, 5, 5) are expected to make their beds (no, they aren't perfect) and pick up daily. some days are better than others, but generally speaking they know what is expected of them and they do it.

the playroom does tend to get away from us a bit. making a game of it can be fun. part of the problem when it comes to the playroom is definitely me, though. its much more out of sight/out of mind, so I don't enforce it like I do keeping their rooms picked up/beds made.

 

[mrsklamc]

I think you're stressing over silly things. I never had my kids at 4 "clean". They had a toy room and it was ok for that room to be a mess.
From your pic, you look like an older Mom-maybe expecting too much from such a little one?

Some people don't have a toy room, or prefer to have their house 'company ready' all the time, and there's nothing wrong with that.

And ouch...there is nothing in op's pic to indicate she's an 'older' mom, and most older moms i know are more laid back that the young ones!

 

[luv2sew]

Well we used the "team work" approach all the way through high school...you see, I work full time and my kids have their things they do....so we used to have a full out clean up party together.

But at four and a little further up the age scale...I would go into their rooms and we would together get it done.

Now the play area.....I had kids that were great players and even though different sexes they loved to get into playing something together like, school with the beanie babies, or something and have it all set up and just want to pick up the play the next day where they left off.....that was jussssst fine with me...I think picking up their play things everyday stiffles their imaginations that may run into another day or two.

 

[bigbabyblues]

We took everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - out of our DD's room. She had to slowly earn it back by keeping clean what she did have. (Think the Cosby Show when they made their house into "The Real World" for Theo.) It worked - at least until she got into high school!

We did this too, and the second time, DH threw away the toys they wouldn't pick up. Not everything, just the ones that they wouldn't pick up.

I've found that setting a timer, and telling them I'm setting it--20 minutes or so--and then telling them to see how much they can pick up before it beeps works well with DS6.

 

[luvmy3]

I think you're stressing over silly things. I never had my kids at 4 "clean". They had a toy room and it was ok for that room to be a mess.
From your pic, you look like an older Mom-maybe expecting too much from such a little one?

4 year olds are not too young to learn about responsibility or consequences of actions, so its not just about making a 4 year old clean, its about teaching them how to function, and follow rules etc. The OP has already stated she isn't asking her child to vacuum and dust, just to pick up her mess. I know when my kids were 4 they were in pre-school and expected to pick up after themselves, or sit out the next actvity if they refused.
At what age should we start expecting things from our kids If you wait too long, then its too late.

 

[mrsklamc]

4 year olds are not too young to learn about responsibility or consequences of actions, so its not just about making a 4 year old clean, its about teaching them how to function, and follow rules etc. The OP has already stated she isn't asking her child to vacuum and dust, just to pick up her mess. I know when my kids were 4 they were in pre-school and expected to pick up after themselves, or sit out the next actvity if they refused.
At what age should we start expecting things from our kids If you wait too long, then its too late.

This, exactly.

 

[OceanAnnie]

This thread has gone all over the place.

can you teach me - i'm a pack rat and can't seem to get out from under my on stuff but i'm trying not to pass it on to dd

Maybe you could clear some of the stuff out of your DD's room. Not as a punishment, but to rotate (maybe even donate -- we did some of that). It helped me to do that, and the kids didn't pull out so much looking for something to do. It's funny, the toys become a lot more attractive when there isn't quite so much. I don't know if that's an issue for you at all. It was for me, and that was my solution. (Christmas, birthday's and all of that really adds up!)

 

[MushyMushy]

I think you're stressing over silly things. I never had my kids at 4 "clean". They had a toy room and it was ok for that room to be a mess.
From your pic, you look like an older Mom-maybe expecting too much from such a little one?

Define older! Because she sure looks to me like she's maybe early 30s, if that. Many many many women have kids in their 30s!