As to comprehending that neurotypical’s social structures distorts and often just lies as to the facts, I have found it best just to accept this as unchangeable fact that goes along with the society that we live in. That does not mean that I like it or am ever comfortable with it but is more like translating from a foreign language, with the requirement to ask what is really meant when the information is “critical”
As to the specific situation, just explain that the individuals were not honest with you in the beginning (which is common place with neurotypicals) and once they studied the “facts” figured out that it was not a viable situation. As to all the reasons that require information, which you did not state, so it is hard to help with that level of detail if it is needed. With the landlord if may be as simple as the lease did not allow for additional occupants even for a limited amount of time, so since that is factually based would be easily accepted.
I hope that helps a little
bookwormde
That does help, quite a bit. I think the biggest roadblock we're having is "why would they lie?" which is an entirely different question to address at some point. I've been making more of an effort to break things down into smaller, more logical pieces for him when he gets overwhelmed and confused.
What you say about translating things from a foreign language is a perfect metaphor, I do feel like a translator to him when he gets confused and overwhelmed. I'm not always a very good one, though.
Oh yes, all neurotypicals are commonly liars...
People with Asperger's never, ever lie (not! One of my students lies quite a bit).
How about that the situation changed? At first it was OK to stay, because one person said it was OK, even though the other wanted you to leave. People disagree, and one person can make a decision without the other person agreeing. Perhaps there was a policy that stated that guests could only stay for a certain time. The landlord found out that you were staying too long, that made the guy happy (as he didn't want you to stay longer) because he had a rule on his side that supported his position.
In the strictest sense, even sarcasm is lying. Things are black or white for my husband, with no malleability. To him, things shouldn't be able to just change. They said it was okay, therefore it should be okay. If it was not okay (which it wasn't, as we found out after the fact- the male half of the couple being upset about our presence) they should not have said it was. I have, time and time again, tried to help him understand that sometimes things can change at the dop of a hat, but it's no use, really. He can't wrap his head around it.
First of all make sure you reassure him that the two of you did nothing wrong. The way that the other people handled the situation was wrong. You were just doing what you were told (staying when someone said it was o.k., but now you know not to make that mistake again) and then someone up and decides to get nasty about it and make everyone miserable (NOT yours or his fault). Next, you have to remember that (with your husband probably) there is no middle ground. It is either black or white no gray area it is either right or wrong no in between. This is how it is with my son and it aggravates people to no end. well that is why we have rules isn't it? He's just better at following them than everyone else because he knows the given boundry and can't determine the "gray" area that he can bend those boundries. Sounds like your husband is the same way -- it is either this or that no in between. You can't change it just try to reinforce that some people occasionally "bend" things a little to fit their situations; he may never understand.
You're very right about things being solely black and white. That itself is largely why he has such a hard time understanding the fluidity of situations like the one I used as an example. It's a matter of trying to work out the intricacies of certain social interactions in simple, logical, black and white terms he can understand that we're really struggling with.
My son is 14 and we have been working on this for many years. He still won't "speak" (not even HI) to anyone in the school hallway and the school admin don't understand why he is not more sociable. I keep reminding them that besides being ASD, they have harped on the rule on more than one occasion that "you don't talk in the hallways" so that is just the way it is. How does he do at "reading" people; facial expressions, body language, etc. We haven't found a way to compensate for that either.
Actually, when he is calm enough he is very good at reading people. His biggest drawback is that his talent in reading people applies retroactively, he has a hard time reading interactions and conversations while they are happening. After he has time to turn things over and examine them from all angles, he generally works things out very well. When he's calmed a bit (we've had a very hectic and overstimulating week) I'll ask him how he's worked it out. He can watch social interactions from the outside and understand them very well, but to understand the ones he's involved in he generally looks to me for prompts.
One of the things that I've found has helped us a lot is breaking down people's behavior into cause/effect scenarios. Making the effort to have him talk about situations as he sees them, to really listen and try to see things through his eyes is pretty amazing. I spent a long time trying to make him understand things in my terms, and not translating them into his. Even though there will always be some problems there, having someone who is so caring, compassionate, and kind is an incredible blessing, and that far outweighs any of the difficulties we might face.
Also, we just started watching the Big Bang Theory and had a marathon over the weekend of seasons 1 and 2 to catch up in time for this past Monday. If you haven't seen it, you really should. Watching Sheldon is like watching my husband, and he loves seeing someone "like him" on TV. We've only recently gotten the official diagnosis and that's helped make things far less scary for him.
Actually, we(neurotypicals) do commonly lie. We do it by choosing to omit information that we might deem to be irrelevant or hurtful. We do it by telling "white lies" we do it to save face. We do it because, to some degree, "appropriate" social behavior demands it. Those types of "lies" are not made by those who see the world as strictly black and white. Can an individual with an "aspie" oriented thought process lie? Yes, but not in the same way, and I would certainly argue, not as often by a long shot. It simply isn't the way that the wiring works imho (as mom of two "quirky" thinkers) and quite frankly, that directness is one of the things my kids have an advantage over me on.
Yes. It's amazing how many little lies you notice when you're suddenly faced with someone who will not only point out those little untruths, but will be deeply hurt and confused by them. I'm still adjusting to that, to be honest. I do think I'm getting better at keeping myself in check.
To the OP, thanks for asking this question, because we are just really getting to the point of trying to explain this in a way that makes sense to my 9y/o. The most recent was why she hadn't been invited to a birthday sleepover at the neighbors house (their daughter is considered by Caitie to be a "good" friend; she's two years younger, more of an acquaintance but her mom is a very good friend of mine.) First, I tried the: well honey, you're not in the same grade... struck out, finally, i went direct. : Her mom doesn't completely understand the ways in which your brain is unique. She knows that you prefer a clear structure, and this party couldn't provide that, and would have interrupted your sleep, which you know can precipitate a seizure. (FWIW, not the whole truth, i.e. her mom was "uncomfortable" with you being there overnight, but certainly true enough- and facilitated further discussion between us.) I know the situation is not the same, but I find that the best way to explain-so far- is to take my emotional read of a situation out of my explanation, and try to stick to the facts. It might be ok to say to DH; my friend was happy to let us stay. There were two problems. 1. the landlord does not allow overnight guests; we were not aware of the rule until today. 2. my friends companion needs his routine, and having guests disrupts that, which is very difficult for him.
keep us posted
What I've been trying to do is explain what you said in the previous paragraph, that people will occasionally tell white lies and half-truths in order to fit a certain social expectation. We're still working on getting him to accept that there are some aspects of social interaction that really don't make any sense and never will.
