Called into the Teacher's Office- New Update Page 6

[tw1nsmom]

An update:

My DH came home today at lunch brought me some very yummy Mexican food and then convinced me that I could not spend my weekend stressed about all of this. I called the school and they just called me back. I spoke with the principle. She knows Cat rather well (especially after the bus bullies incident). She said she had spoken with her teacher yesterday.

She said she is concerned because Cat can already pass all the end of year requirements. She mentioned again moving her up a grade. I told her why we were not comfortable with that. She said she understood but she also didn’t want Cat to spend a year bored. She said she is sweet and that one of the school’s counselor asked her if she was bored and Cat became very quiet and then finally said that saying you are bored is rude but that it was all baby stuff. (Oh well. She was trying to be polite.)

The principle recommended that Cat be tested to see exactly where she is. I said I don’t want her to skip a grade. She said that she understands why I am hesitant but she rarely suggests that students be moved up a grade. She explained the testing would give the school more options about her education. She will be going in for testing at the end of the month.

I am still meeting with her teacher. The principle said we needed a game plan to make it through the end of September.

I know I worry a lot. I am a rather young mom. I had her at 18 and raised her on my own until I meet and fell in love with my DH. She was born premature (32 weeks) and I often feel like I don’t know what I am actually doing. All of her friends’ parents are ten years older than me. I feel a lot of the time that she deserves a better parent than me, someone who knows what to do with a child that is so very driven. I am not trying to insult any parents on here. I am just a mom doing my best in a situation that is overwhelming to me.

She has been a perfeconist since she was a toddler. We constantly tell her that all we care about is her trying her best but she never seems to care about whether or not we think she did a brilliant job. She only cares about what she thinks about her own work (whether in school or dance or anything really). And like I said I am worried. I don’t know if that is normal or not. And I tend to feel like a better parent would know if it was or wasn’t.

-Becca-

Oh honey, I'm 40 with two 8 year olds and I'm flying by the seat of my pants most days and from what I see of other moms a lot of them are the same.

You love your DD and are trying to do what's best for her. I don't like it when kids skip grades either, but I can't begin to say whether it's the right move for your DD. Talk to the school and have them work with you on a compromise to the problem. Your DD will be fine.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have another thought that I wanted to post.
Especially after reading this:

An update:
She has been a perfeconist since she was a toddler. We constantly tell her that all we care about is her trying her best but she never seems to care about whether or not we think she did a brilliant job. She only cares about what she thinks about her own work (whether in school or dance or anything really). And like I said I am worried. I don’t know if that is normal or not. And I tend to feel like a better parent would know if it was or wasn’t.

-Becca-

I do not have a gifted and 'driven' child.

But, the more I read the OP's comments about how she is 'driven', is a 'perfectionist', and can even alienate other kids who are not the same way she is..., social difficulties, etc... That just really is beginning to concern me. Especially at only six years old.

Is that normal for a bright 6 year old???

Or, could there be some other concerns... I am thinking of issues that may affect social skills, perseveration, etc... but with a very high IQ.

As I said earlier, a very high IQ does not mean that other issues and deficits may not be present.

Just my thoughts...
I thought that the OP might benefit if anyone here has any input on this kind of thing.



OP: DO YOU KNOW WHAT EVALUATIONS THEY ARE PROPOSING? WILL IT BE STRICTLY BE IQ AND ACADEMIC TESTING???

 

[phorsenuf]

Can I just add too that I was the same age as you when I had my first. Please don't use that as an excuse, many people have children at a young age. Just trust your gut and don't worry about being the perfect parent, you have nothing to prove. I get the feeling you put this pressure on yourself because you need to show somebody that yes at 18 you were old enough to be a parent. There are plenty of regular old parents out there that had kids later in life and flounder and feel as insecure like you.
Cut yourself a break, and your child too.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I know that there have been a lot of comments about the dance-moms at the studio situation...

I do not have a daughter in dance, so correct me if I am wrong... But, I would guess that this type of thing actually goes on at many dance studios, cheerleaders, sports, etc....

I am concerned about the number of hours and the amount of pressure that the OP's child may be under, doing as much dance as she says she is doing...

But, seriously, is it not true that if you have your child in any endeavor like this, especially one that focuses on the body and on physical ability... there will always be a few of 'those moms'

That alone would not make me pull my child out.

 

[kendall]

This may be hard, but look at what you wrote, OP.
Your daughter, out of politeness, indicated that she was indeed bored in school - fortunately she is able to make her own learning (as you demonstrated in your first post describing her knowledge in applying the shapes).
The teacher and principal both see that she can already meet the outcomes of the current grade. If her reading, writing, science, and math skills are indeed above current grade level, she is ready. Your daughter obviously loves to learn - don't let that light extinguish by being stuck in a class for a year where she can already do the work and that boredom continues.

The other aspect to consider is social - how will she do with an the students 1 year older?

I agree - find out what evaluations they are proposing.

Perhaps you can work out a 2-week trial in the next grade. If she is ready, she is ready. Let her bloom! It is early in the year, easy to make the decision now.

 

[MELSMICE]

I do not have a daughter in dance, so correct me if I am wrong... But, I would guess that this type of thing actually goes on at many dance studios, cheerleaders, sports, etc....

If the studio owner/teachers allow it to happen then it will. I can honestly say that I nip it in the bud IMMEDIATELY when I hear anything like this.

I have taken time out of class to sit my students down & tell them, "I will not tolerate that kind of cattiness (sp?) & if I see it continue you will be asked to leave." I have told them that not everyone will be best friends, but we will all get along & we will all be kind to each other.

Last week when a mom approached me & began bad mouthing another student I told her in no uncertain terms, "We don't talk about the other students here. If you would like to speak about your daughter we can do that, however, I will not talk about any other student that attends my school."

I am sure she was embarrassed as other parents were around, but I will not have a studio with caddy moms or students. I am the person that can stop it & I do.

OK - off my soapbox now!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thank you Melsmice,
We appreciate your thoughts!

 

[dreamer17555]

I am going to share about my childhood. This is hard for me as it is for most people but I thought the question deserved an answer and that maybe someone would have some insight.

My mom is Bi Polar. She has been since I was born. She is a career woman with a very good job, who got pregnant by a half hearted boyfriend. She spent a lot of time resenting me and saw me as a burden. She would be amazing one day and terrible the next. One day she would invite all my friends to go shopping and buy them all these clothes and stuff and the next day she would be kicking me out.

My dad lived in Texas. He worked for an airline and when I was very young did a lot of drugs and spent his time sleeping around and surfing. I had his flight benefits. Starting at age 8 whenever my mom got mad at me she would drop me off at the airport with a ticket and a bag. I became an expert at flying. Sometimes my dad wouldn’t pick me up from the airport to prove a point to her. I used to roam around for two days at a time in Houston’s airport. I really loved the underground train there. By 13 I knew to keep extra cash on me at all times and would take a cabs to my dad’s house. He hated when I did that but I didn’t have a choice. Sometimes he flew me back and I would stay at the airport in Ohio but normally not as long. My mom was always worried I would call someone in her family and tell them what was really happening.

My mom did not accept less than perfect in anyway. I was never told just to try my best. Every paper, everything needed to be an A. She enrolled me in gymnastics and pushed me so very hard. By 12 I had broken my knee 3 times and finally ended up shattering the socket and needing a replacement. I did very well in High School. I was I guess popular, homecoming court, prom princess, those things but I never knew if I had a safe place to sleep.

Only me and two of my friends knew the truth about my mom and I worked very hard to not let anyone know. I used to keep canned soup and food in my locker at school so I knew I at least had something to eat. I slept on the floor of my two friends room so many times I cannot count and sometimes in the fitness center at a nearby apartment complex and more than a handful of times I slept outside. I worked very hard at school and a part time job. I loved my car not why most kids loved the freedom but because it meant I had somewhere to sleep in those cold winters.

Eventually my mom snapped and while she used to be violent with a slap here or there she got much worse, one day she pushed me down a flight of stairs. I couldn’t hide that. My leg was broken as were both of my wrists from trying to catch myself. The school caught wind and I was put into Foster Care. I was 17. The Foster care was 40 minutes away and was a temporary holding place. I was there for a month.

My dad came and got custody. He then left to go back to Texas and sent me back to my mom. She had started meds and so it was rough but not nearly as bad. I finished school with a 4.00 GPA and went to a four year college… My boyfriend at the time really was pressuring me for sex. It was stupid I know that. I was on birth control but at 18 and freshman in college I found out I was pregnant.

My mom is much, much better now. In fact it’s like she is a different person. She is on meds and therapy and it’s almost impossible to associate her with that horrible woman that raised me.

I had very bad depression after Cat was born but with therapy I did much better and haven’t been in that place since. Its very, very important to me that Cat is allowed to fall without being afraid. That she can fail and is still an amazing person. I don’t want her to have my childhood. I never want to be anything like my mom.

Cat has friends. She is very close with the girls at dance and has a few friends at school, plus neighborhood kids (that go to private school) that she runs around playing with every weekend. But sometimes she would much rather be reading in her room or practicing dance in front of her mirror. We tend to make her put the book down, turn off the music and go out and play. Once out though she has a ton of fun.

Cat is not Bi-Polar like my mom. She is very focused little girl. Its off putting because I don’t want her to be like me, or have my high pressured childhood.

Please do not use this information to attack me. I am looking for advice not to be raked over the coals.

-Becca-

 

[NMAmy]

One thing we have tried to do with her is to have her try lots of different things - soccer, baseball, girl scouts, karate, swim lessons, gymnastics and ice skating to name a few. (Not all at the same time, of course, but over the years.) She understands that she is not going to be an expert at any of those things right off the bat, which opens up the opportunity to have space in her life for something that might be just for fun, and forces her remember that she isn't perfect, and that no one expects her to be. This year I am encouraging her to try skiing.

I agree with Denae on this. When dd was younger, she was a lot like Denae's dd. She was good at school and good at sports but extremely competitive and a perfectionist. The best cure for the perfectionism was to have her try things that she WASN'T good at. There's no way I would have let her exclusively do one activity that she was good at since that would have simply fed into her drive to try to achieve perfection which just isn't possible. Often, little girls who want to be perfect turn into teenagers who have an eating disorder. I'd imagine that waist size comparisons wouldn't help avoid that either.

There is no magic instruction book for kids. We all do what we feel is best. But children pick up on our tension and worries--if the parent is all stressed out about small things, the children will do the same thing. I think you need to take a deep breath and relax about things, OP.

 

[scottishduffy]

I think the two weeks in a higher level classroom that someone else suggested may be a good way to test the waters with her.

While she may be a bit off socially, if she is truly that bright it will continue to make her stand-out to other children through the entirety of her school career. She will always be the odd 'brainiac'. (Been there, done that) What ages are the friends she has now? Does she gravitate to friends a bit older than her?

Perhaps some of the social trouble she has in school is because kids in her grade don't "get" her. I once took care of a very bright little girl who had a lot of trouble in school because NOBODY else understood what she was talking about. She was into different things than the other kids. She was polite, nice, and sweet... but on a different level. When she was around older children they "got" her and she had a much easier time making friends.

Talk to Cat about this. Ask what her opinions are. If she is such a clever girl you can give her some pro's and con's to this and maybe ask if she would like to try out the other grade. She will ALWAYS stand out for her intelligence. Keeping her in her peer group will not change that. However if she gets too bored being below her level, or if all the other kids start believing that 'Cat thinks she is so much better than us', than her life at school could become diffcult. If you are going to skip do it in the early grades.... That way as the kids age she will have always been there. Most won't remember she was skipped a grade.

Talk to Cat about it, see how she feels. Your mom pushed you nto perfection and you resented it. Try not to hold her back because you are afraid of pushing... just let her lead.

 

[Disney Doll]

Boy, OP, some people are sure kicking the crap out of you, huh?

I will preface my remarks by saying I am not a parent, nor do I play one on TV. I have observed parents, the good, the bad and the ugly, for about 30 years.

I understood your TV comment. For years, all we have heard about is how bad parents are who let their child sit in front of a TV constantly. Of course, you pass a comment on it, and suddenly we have parents coming out of the woodwork saying that they let their kid watch TV and you wanna make something of it???????. For those of you who felt like the OP was directing a negative comment at you...get over yourselves. There is no one who thinks that you letting your kid watch TV for a prescribed period of time every day is going to turn your kid into a dunce, including the OP. I watched TV as a kid. I turned out to be a contributing member of society. So don't all be so touchy, for crying out loud. FWIW, if you are a parent hat lets your kid watch TV for 16 hours a day, you may be doing them a disservice, and sorry if the truth hurts.

OP, your child may be scholastically gifted, but I agree that being scholastically gifted doesn't mean she is developmentally, socially or emotionally ready to be moved up a grade. I would share my concerns with the powers that be at the school...that while you want her to be academically challenged, you want her to be socially & developmentally well-placed as well. Perhaps they can keep her in her grade so she socially and developmentally in an age-appropriate setting, and offer a lot of additional "enrichment" type learning. Perhaps you can hire someone to work with her on enrichment learning, or you can continue to do so yourself...it sounds to me as if you have been doing a good job so far!!!! I would listen to the professionals for suggestions, but keep in mind that you do ultimately hold the cards.

As far as dance....if she loves it, I see no reason for her not to do it. It doesn't seem to be negatively affecting her. As far as the other parents...I have watched various children I love (nieces, nephews, godchildren, friends' children) at pretty much every type of extracurricular activity know to mankind in the last 30 years (I had a friend who had a child at 16, so I have literally been an "aunt" for 30 years). For all that has changed in childrens' extracurricular activities, there is one thing that has remained constant...parents that feel the need to compare their child to everyone else's, and to sometimes be catty and nasty about it. I have often said that the worst thing about childrens' activities is the fact that, by virtue of the fact that there are children involved, parents have to be involved. Because some parents see their children as extentsions of themselves, rather than their own little person. Some parents "replay" the slights, the failures, the successes of their own childhooods through thier children.

I can recall when I was going into 4th grade, my school was trying an e"educational experiment"..hey, it was the 70's, what can I say? Anyhow, they took 15 4th graders that they thought were academically advanced and put them into a classroom with 15 5th graders. We had a very "avant garde" (for her era) teacher who did things like enrichment programs, a reading area which consisted of a bright orange rug and a bunch of floor pillows that you could lay all over while you were doing your reading. She was very artistic so we did a lot of pretty advanced arts and crafts projects. I thought it was fun. My parents agreed to let me into the class. The parents of the kids who didn't get into what they considered to be this "special"class were upset..."Why wasn't my Johnny chosen?". Throughout history, parents have been the same...competitive where their children are concerned. The parents of the kids NOT chosen started ragging on the parents of the kids who were chosen that being in that type of school environment was going to "ruin" us and so forth. Meanwhile, here I am. I survived.

You were young when you had your DD, but it doesn't mean you were stupid. You sound like you are doing a great job, you sound like a concerned involved mother who wants a nice all-around kid. You sound like you get wonderful support from your DH. It sounds like your DD knows she is well-loved. Kids are pretty resilient. You are going to make some parenting mistakes...believe me, she won't die. She probably won't even need lots of therapy. If she knows you love her and want what's best for her, she'll be fine.

I had parents. They are great people. They were good parents who I always knew loved me. Did they always do the absolute right thing?? Well, probably not, but they always did what they thought was the best thing, and I always knew, no matter what, that they loved me. And I'm OK...I am a nurse, a contributing member of society, still love them and all that, despite being allowed to be in the split 4th/5th grade class.

So relax..you're doing great.

 

[hpygrll]

Becca, How wonderful that your daughter is so gifted and how wonderful that you are such a caring mom to really worry about what's best for her.

I was the same way as your daughter - when I was in first grade, I went to second grade for certain courses. When I was in second grade, I went to third grade for everything except for Math - finally they decided to just skip me a grade. So I skipped second grade.

Honestly - didn't affect me at all!!!!!! I'm a very successful (in my eyes ), married mother of two. And once I skipped a grade I wasn't bored. I didn't think anything of it to be honest, it was just nice to be with people of my level.

You're doing a great job - so whatever you decide will be great - but I wanted to give you a been there done that perspective.

Jenny

 

[Amlee]

An update:

My DH came home today at lunch brought me some very yummy Mexican food and then convinced me that I could not spend my weekend stressed about all of this. I called the school and they just called me back. I spoke with the principle. She knows Cat rather well (especially after the bus bullies incident). She said she had spoken with her teacher yesterday.

She said she is concerned because Cat can already pass all the end of year requirements. She mentioned again moving her up a grade. I told her why we were not comfortable with that. She said she understood but she also didn’t want Cat to spend a year bored. She said she is sweet and that one of the school’s counselor asked her if she was bored and Cat became very quiet and then finally said that saying you are bored is rude but that it was all baby stuff. (Oh well. She was trying to be polite.)

The principle recommended that Cat be tested to see exactly where she is. I said I don’t want her to skip a grade. She said that she understands why I am hesitant but she rarely suggests that students be moved up a grade. She explained the testing would give the school more options about her education. She will be going in for testing at the end of the month.

I am still meeting with her teacher. The principle said we needed a game plan to make it through the end of September.

I know I worry a lot. I am a rather young mom. I had her at 18 and raised her on my own until I meet and fell in love with my DH. She was born premature (32 weeks) and I often feel like I don’t know what I am actually doing. All of her friends’ parents are ten years older than me. I feel a lot of the time that she deserves a better parent than me, someone who knows what to do with a child that is so very driven. I am not trying to insult any parents on here. I am just a mom doing my best in a situation that is overwhelming to me.

She has been a perfeconist since she was a toddler. We constantly tell her that all we care about is her trying her best but she never seems to care about whether or not we think she did a brilliant job. She only cares about what she thinks about her own work (whether in school or dance or anything really). And like I said I am worried. I don’t know if that is normal or not. And I tend to feel like a better parent would know if it was or wasn’t.

-Becca-

Relax! Reread what you have posted above. Your doing a good job mom! Keep it up!!

My nephew is in the 2nd grade, his teachers wanted to move him up to 1st grade when he was 4. But his parents wouldn't let them. Now that my parents have him, we have a hard time in keeping him interested in school. As he is ahead of the class in leaning. But is right even with them on maturity.

So at the start of the year this year his new teacher tested him. He has tested at a 3rd and 4th grade level in some subjects. After talking things over with his teacher, it was decided to keep him in 2nd grade, but bring in higher level work for him in some areas. His reading and spelling words are at a 4th grade level. His math is at a 3rd grade level. As those were the subjects that he tended to be bored with the most. Maybe you can work something similar out with your daughter's teacher.

 

[dimimi]

I'm curious as to how old your daughter is? I'm wondering if she was close to the cut off...but you didn't send her and you could of? You are in a unique situation to have a gifted daughter, but you need to make sure she stays in an enriching environmnet for her. My neighbor (22 years ago) is a boy and he has an October birthday. An october birthday meant he missed the cut off for kindergarten. When he started kindergarten the teacher called the parent at the end of the week. The mom thought her kid was fine (he was her oldest). The school moved him to first grade. He has had staight A's all through school, graduated top of the class, went to college on a full ride scholarship and is studying to be a Doctor! Just make sure you aren't holding your daughter back. Good luck!

 

[dreamer17555]

Cat's birthday is at the end of January. So she isn't close to any cut off.

-Becca-

 

[ROIE01581]

I think you should cut back on the dance and put the effort on her education. Let her be a kid. Dance should be an activity and not a major part of her life.
When she gets older she could make dance her life.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I would like to give you a different perspective from somebody who has been in a similar situation.

I was your daughter. I was considered very gifted, and generally light years ahead of my classmates. The classic teacher's pet, self driven learner, perfectionist, etc. I qualified for the gifted program immediately, but it was enrichment, not a substitute for curriculum that really was too easy for me. My parents presented it to me as the alternative to skipping grades- I believe it may have been suggested to them. I did not end up skipping in elementary school.

It worked out for me because I went to a small elementary school with teachers that went out of their way to keep me engaged and challenged. I spent a lot of time with the librarian instead of in the classroom, and the even added an honor's reading group so that I would be challenged. It would not have worked for me if I had not had such wonderful teachers.

I tended to have friends who were younger than me (kid who lived in the neighborhood) and was the natural leader. I related better to adults than my age level peers because in maturity and intelligence I was several years ahead. I did have friends my age, but was never considered popular. Basically, I was the Hermione Granger of my school.

A lot changed when I started middle school. My teachers no longer had the option of providing the amount of enrichment I had in elementary school. I still had amazing teachers, such as my eighth grade language arts teacher who allowed me to read my own books instead of the class books I had literally read in the second grade. It wasn't enough, and I ended up skipping the 10-12th grades and started college when I was 15 through the Program for the Exceptionally Gifted (PEG) at Mary Baldwin College.

While we lived in a separate dorm, we had the same academic requirements as the traditional college students, and the majority of my friends were traditional students, not the PEGs who were my same age.

I do not regret that my parents didn't skip me, but I do wonder what would have happened. Would I have felt the need to skip high school? I am technically a drop out- no GED or diploma but I do have a B.A. and soon an MAE. Would I have stood out less, been less of a target for bullies if I were with my intellectual peers? I have no doubt I would have made friends even though it may have been awkward at first.

Please, do not discount the idea just because of social factors. Speaking from experience, the social factors will fall into place easier than you may realize. After a month or so, most kids won't even remember or care that your daughter is younger unless she constantly reminds them. If it had not been for teachers who went above and beyond, I would have been lost to the boredom. Not every school has that luxury, it sounds like yours may not be able to accommodate her the way mine did for me. Please consider doing what is academically appropriate for your daughter. On her current path, it will only get worse as she gets older and continues to outpace her peers.

 

[txSleepingBeauty]

another perspective from someone who's been there, done that. I didn't skip a grade, just started early. and your Cat is only a month younger than I was in 2nd grade. It was the best thing my parents could ever have done. I would have been bored spitless if I had been in the grade other kids my age were in. I never felt awkward, in fact I LOVED being the youngest person in my class.

it's important to keep kids interested in school, especially at this age, it sets the foundation for the rest of their school lives. if she's bored now and dreading school because of that boredom- well that could be a hard habit to break later on.

have you asked Cat what she thinks?

btw, I read your trip report, you have had a tough summer, and certainly are entitled to feeling stressed out and overwhelmed.

 

[Syrreal]

This is my 1st post on this thead, but I have been reading it for a few days...

I know that you are worried about your dd being the youngest in the class if you decide it is in her best interest to move up a grade. I was the youngest in my class (though in my case it was that I started K a year early) and I can understand your concern. However, it never seemed like a big deal to me, it was just a fact that everyone was older. In HS I was the very last of my friends to be able to get a DL. It was ok since my other friends could pick me up anyway.

In my case, they wanted to skip me from K to 2nd grade. The age diff then was going to be 2 years between me and the next youngest kid, as I was still 5 at the time. My parents decided not to skip me, but that was because there is a huge social diff between age 5 and age 7. The difference may not be anywhere near as drastic between 6 and 7. (My DS is only 1.5 so the only experience I have with social maturity at that age is my own, so please take what I say just at face value.)

IIRC, you said that at her dance studio, the students are combined in an age range, so she is used to older children and interacting with them. Maybe she would be fine in the next grade up. Also, with it still being early in the school year, it may be easier for her to make friends.

Is there a way that maybe you can try out the next grade's class? Maybe she can spend 1/2 days there or a trial week or something. Maybe you and she can spend part of a day observing the class first, that way she won't feel like she is being thrown into something, and you can see if she gets excited about the work those kids are doing.

 

[creativeamanda]

Maybe, you and the school can reach a compromise? Rather than moving her up an entire grade, just move her up for language arts and math instruction for now. Or investigate local private schools that may have the curriculum Cat needs--perhaps one of them has a scholarship program?