BUSH PRAISES MINERS, RESCUERS FOR TAKING PEOPLES MINDS OFF STOCK MARKET
Kept Wall Street Mess On Back Burner For 72 Hours, President Says
As the nine miners trapped underground in western Pennsylvania emerged to the cheers of a grateful nation, President Bush praised the miners and their rescuers for keeping the publics mind off the plummeting stock market for 72 hours.
Thanks to you, Americans were distracted from the disaster on Wall Street for the better part of three days, President Bush said today. For that, you have my heartfelt thanks.
President Bush added that as the tense rescue drama unfolded, the American people were distracted from the accounting scandals at Enron and Tyco, not to mention the controversy swirling around my insider investment in the Harken Energy Corp.
Oops, the President added.
Across the country, ordinary citizens joined in praising the media attention given the rescue drama, with many saying they were grateful that it briefly bumped conservative author Ann Coulter off the cable news networks.
At the White House, aides to the President privately hoped that there would be other distracting dramas in the weeks ahead, such as swimmers being rescued from the jaws of sharks, hang-gliders being rescued from power lines, or even frightened cats being rescued from really tall trees.
But an ominous sign for the President could be found in the first words of one of the rescued miners: Im happy to be alive and reunited with my family, but Im concerned about how my 401(k) plan was doing while I was down there.
**** BOROWITZ IN THE NEW YORKER ****
Read Andy Borowitz on this summers dirtiest bestseller, The Sexual Life of Catherine M., in this weeks New Yorker magazine, on newsstands Monday. And read an exclusive interview with Andy at www.newyorker.com.
Kept Wall Street Mess On Back Burner For 72 Hours, President Says
As the nine miners trapped underground in western Pennsylvania emerged to the cheers of a grateful nation, President Bush praised the miners and their rescuers for keeping the publics mind off the plummeting stock market for 72 hours.
Thanks to you, Americans were distracted from the disaster on Wall Street for the better part of three days, President Bush said today. For that, you have my heartfelt thanks.
President Bush added that as the tense rescue drama unfolded, the American people were distracted from the accounting scandals at Enron and Tyco, not to mention the controversy swirling around my insider investment in the Harken Energy Corp.
Oops, the President added.
Across the country, ordinary citizens joined in praising the media attention given the rescue drama, with many saying they were grateful that it briefly bumped conservative author Ann Coulter off the cable news networks.
At the White House, aides to the President privately hoped that there would be other distracting dramas in the weeks ahead, such as swimmers being rescued from the jaws of sharks, hang-gliders being rescued from power lines, or even frightened cats being rescued from really tall trees.
But an ominous sign for the President could be found in the first words of one of the rescued miners: Im happy to be alive and reunited with my family, but Im concerned about how my 401(k) plan was doing while I was down there.
**** BOROWITZ IN THE NEW YORKER ****
Read Andy Borowitz on this summers dirtiest bestseller, The Sexual Life of Catherine M., in this weeks New Yorker magazine, on newsstands Monday. And read an exclusive interview with Andy at www.newyorker.com.
