BUSH MAY LACK GENE FOR HUMAN SPEECH
President Has No Comment
A team of genetic scientists stunned the world today by revealing that President George W. Bush may lack the gene necessary for human speech.
The scientists, who had been studying the genetic differences between humans and chimps, made the discovery about the President almost by accident, a spokesman for the group said.
We happened to be looking at the blood work from the Presidents recent physical, said the spokesman, Dr. Alvin Kunen of the University of Minnesota. We found extremely high potassium levels, indicating a banana-rich diet rarely found in humans.
Prompted by the banana clue, scientists probed the Presidents DNA further and found no evidence of the gene that enables humans to speak.
From the White House, the President had no comment.
But even as some in the administration angrily questioned the scientists findings -- arguing that the President often said things -- Dr. Kunen said that many non-human primates were capable of producing basic, speech-like utterances.
In our experiments, we were able to teach a female baboon named Bonny to say such things as tax cut, evildoer, and regime change, Dr. Kunen said. This should not be confused with actual human speech.
In a related finding, the scientists said that former President Bill Clinton possessed an abnormal double-gene for human speech, meaning that it was virtually impossible to get him to shut up.
Mr. Clintons DNA was culled during his second term in office, when the former Presidents genetic material was widely disseminated.
******Borowitz Reports*****
President Has No Comment
A team of genetic scientists stunned the world today by revealing that President George W. Bush may lack the gene necessary for human speech.
The scientists, who had been studying the genetic differences between humans and chimps, made the discovery about the President almost by accident, a spokesman for the group said.
We happened to be looking at the blood work from the Presidents recent physical, said the spokesman, Dr. Alvin Kunen of the University of Minnesota. We found extremely high potassium levels, indicating a banana-rich diet rarely found in humans.
Prompted by the banana clue, scientists probed the Presidents DNA further and found no evidence of the gene that enables humans to speak.
From the White House, the President had no comment.
But even as some in the administration angrily questioned the scientists findings -- arguing that the President often said things -- Dr. Kunen said that many non-human primates were capable of producing basic, speech-like utterances.
In our experiments, we were able to teach a female baboon named Bonny to say such things as tax cut, evildoer, and regime change, Dr. Kunen said. This should not be confused with actual human speech.
In a related finding, the scientists said that former President Bill Clinton possessed an abnormal double-gene for human speech, meaning that it was virtually impossible to get him to shut up.
Mr. Clintons DNA was culled during his second term in office, when the former Presidents genetic material was widely disseminated.
******Borowitz Reports*****
