bring a dish to a baby shower?

[NMAmy]

Ever since I started reading the DIS I'm afraid to invite anyone for dessert for fear they'll be insulted I didn't invite them for a full meal! Although I often have the kids friends stay to dinner, I'm simply not that confident a cook to be throwing dinner parties. That means we simply don't entertain much anymore. Sad.

Luckily, you don't have to invite the members of the DIS (who always manage to find something to get their panties in a wad about) but your friends who hopefully love you and don't spend their free time judging every little thing. In our circle of friends, I tend to have a lot of the parties because I'm centrally located and have room to host. Sometimes I provide all the food and other times we do potluck--sometimes with a theme. Last time was a Pie Potluck--any kind of pie, savory or sweet. I made Frito Pie and several fruit pies. Others brought quiche, shepherd's pie, etc. It was a lot of fun.

Why don't you consider hosting a dessert party, if that's what you want to do? I'm sure if you make it clear in the invitation, then no one will be expecting a big meal.

As to the OP, whatever. If I was friends with the person who sent the invitation, I'd go to support them. If I felt mortally offended by being asked to bring food, I'd skip it.

DIS'ers seem to have a lot of rules when it comes to any kind of wedding or party. If I were truly friends with someone, then I'm much more willing to cut them some slack and not worry that every rule of etiquette was followed. I'd be wondering why a friend of mine had no one to throw her a shower and step up, if possible, to help.

 

[goofinoff]

I'm all for potluck for a regular party or gathering but not for a shower. Like others have said, if you are throwing a shower and can't afford to provide food then don't provide food. Simply provide cake and punch. I don't expect a meal when I get invited to a shower and I certainly don't expect to be asked to bring a dish.

I was in my friends wedding several years ago and all of the bridesmaids gave her a shower. The maid of honor who I don't think had ever ATTENDED a shower let alone give one, wanted to charge everyone $2.00 for the champagne toast! Luckily one of the other bridesmaids had a connection with a wine distributor so that helped us out. Can you imagine?? "Here's to the bride and groom! That will be $2.00 please!"

I guess some people have different ideas of what is "acceptable" and what is not. Throwing yourself a baby shower....not acceptable!

 

[goofinoff]

Luckily, you don't have to invite the members of the DIS (who always manage to find something to get their panties in a wad about).

 

[Gumbo4x4]

a potluck wedding reception???? I can't even imagine! If you don't have enough money to throw yourself a reception you should just quietly get married and go out to dinner with family, not ask others to bring in food for your reception!

Meh, I remember a time when a wedding reception was about celebrating with friends & family, not showing off. Sometimes I think we've forgotten that. FWIW, I haven't been to one of those potluck receptions in years, but I believe it was primarily the family & the little old ladies from the church who provided the meals, as opposed to ALL the guests. I have however been to much more recent funerals where this was also the case.

 

[BlovesC]

While I agree with all of you that throwing your own shower is beyond tacky and should never be done, I can't help but feel sad for this woman who is entering motherhood with no friends or family she is close enough to that they would choose to throw a shower for her.

I feel the same. I have zero family in FL, and only one living female family member 1,000 miles away. If I get pregnant, I'd likely either have to throw my own shower or simply not have one. I'm pretty sure I'd choose the latter (same reason why I didn't have a bachelorette party/bridal shower) because I just don't feel comfortable putting friends through the hassle of throwing a party dedicated to me, although I'm sure they would. It just seems like a very family-centric thing.

I think the whole baby shower thing is ripe with irony. I've been to about 10 showers in the last two years, all for friends/coworkers. Each and every shower I've been to was thrown by the mother-to-be's mom/MIL/sister. I've gone to these showers (several of them were potlucks BTW, and no one freaked out) with gifts in hand and I'm always amazed that these mothers to be, all gainfully employed with working husbands, receive hundreds if not thousands of dollars in baby supplies from their guests, while 'big ticket' items are presented by their family members, family who will also be providing daycare, in most cases, once the child arrives. Somehow it's proper etiquette for these women to be handed everything possible, but it's "tacky" for a woman who has nothing to try and partake in the same type of generosity?

Maybe it's just a FL thing, because this didn't happen as much in NJ, but down here, in my experience, women are thrown showers for their first, second, third, whatever child, potlucks are not frowned upon, and NO one has to throw their own shower because everyone has tons of family-slash-babysitters.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Many folks here seem to "travel in a different circle" than I do. What's wrong with having a pot-luck? Maybe you all earn more than we do or something, but I've been to all kinds of pot-luck events. It's always fun to get together with a bunch of folks, let's have some food and make it more fun, why should one person/family do all the work and bear all the expense? I've been invited to "BYOM" cookouts, where you bring your own meat and the host/ess has a grill set up; sometimes the hosting family provides side dishes, sometimes it's "BYOM and a dish to pass." I've been to "we'll provide the main dish, please bring a side or dessert to share" parties, too. I've been to big, outdoor wedding receptions that are more like BBQs with all the guests bringing a dish to share. I've been to pot-luck baby showers, retirement parties, end of year parties. Do you really have a problem with spending another $5 to make a pot of pasta, or $1.50 for a plate of brownies? This is about having fun and sharing friendship, not about "well if you can't afford the food you shouldn't have a party!" Around here when it's a pot-luck, you always know about it up-front. The invitation will say "Pot-luck baby shower for XYZ!" If you have a problem with the pot-luck aspect, DON"T GO. You won't have any fun, and won't be fun to be with, if you are there and all twitchy about having been asked to bring some food.

MY problem with OP's situation is that the hostess is giving a shower for HERSELF! Who does this? Is it a new thing? A shower or party is something you give to someone ELSE as a way to congratulate them, and you ask others if they'd like to come help you congratulate and celebrate your mutual friend. Since when does a self-celebration hold water? "I am so excited about my upcoming lifestyle change that I want you to come honor me over it and bring me gifts to congratulate me and celebrate me?" Seriously, who DOES this? Pretty conceited, IMO. (and the self-addressed thank you envelopes is just plain lazy and insulting... why not just include the thank you card with the gift, pre-stamped, and write it to yourself? "Thanks for coming to my party that I had for me and bringing all the food and bringing me a present and you are so good at it that I'll let you write your own thank-you card, because I guess you really aren't important enough to me for me to take the time, or make the effort, to say thanks on my own?" )

I guess I don't have an issue with a pot-luck because to me it seems to be a sharing thing, not a gimme-gimme thing (which honestly I think a shower borders on being, in the first place, even when someone else holds one in your honor!)

to all of the above. My friends & I had many, many parties when we all got jobs & out on our own, and I can't ever remember a single one that didn't involve everyone bringing at least some kind of food. Still holds true for those all too infrequent gatherings when we still get together - even when the hosts are QUITE well off.

On throwing yourself a party, I left this thread yesterday to go to an event & a friend of mine was there complaining about his sister doing exactly that for her birthday He was also mad that pretty much the entire family (other than this sister) lives in STL and among the immediate family were people turning 30, 40, and 60 this year, but the sister who was turning 50 insisted on having the party in KC

 

[chloelovesdisney]

OP, do you know why not one friend or family member is throwing a shower for her? I feel badly for her if this is her first baby and no one cares enough for her to do this. Although it may be strange and I've never seen it done before, I have a hard time berating her for it. Aren't there three or four women that could get something inexpensive together?

 

[Tiggeroo]

In our family you often bring something to a party. But you offer, aren't asked. And typically the only people who bring something are the very close friends and family. If I held a shower for my dd my mother and aunts might ask, would you like me to bring a salad?
I have never heard of somebody holding their own shower. That, to me is rude. It also says I don't trust anybody else or I don't have a single friend or family member who will host a shower for me. A baby shower is supposed to be a surprise. You can't surprise yourself.

 

[sbell111]

It's hard to be upset by this situation. Lots of parties are thrown as pot lucks, so that's not an issue for me. At all.

I'm also not ready to get upset because this first-time mom is throwing her own baby shower. While its a bummer that none of her friends or family did it for her, it is what it is.

All that being said, I firmly believe that the OP should not go to the shower. She's clearly no friend for this woman and shouldn't pretend that she is.

 

[LuvLDM]

I agree hosting your own baby shower is beyond tacky, does she not know any better?

I love to cook/bake so I never mind if I'm asked to bring food to a party.

 

[disykat]

. Somehow it's proper etiquette for these women to be handed everything possible, but it's "tacky" for a woman who has nothing to try and partake in the same type of generosity?
:

Yes, it's proper for these women, even if they "have it all" to accept gifts. That still doesn't make it proper for someone who doesn't have it all to "partake in generosity" by begging for gifts by throwing themselves their own bring a gift party.

Surely you see the difference between choosing to shower someone with gifts and someone saying "come shower me with gifts!"

 

[Rayvnn]

It is tacky, but it depends on what is going on. Is she far from family? Is she having financial woes?

Leslie

 

[Bob NC]

It is tacky, but it depends on what is going on. Is she far from family? Is she having financial woes?

Leslie

If it depends on what is going on, why is it tacky?

 

[NMAmy]

A baby shower is supposed to be a surprise. You can't surprise yourself.

I think we had this thread a few weeks ago. The DIS is the only place I've ever heard of a surprise shower. I've never attended one and I've been to tons over the years.

 

[Rayvnn]

If it depends on what is going on, why is it tacky?

Emily Post says it is tacky. http://www.emilypost.com/social-lif...462-welcoming-the-new-baby-with-a-baby-shower

I personally think it depends on the whole picture. I should have worded myself differently. I had a 23 month old napping on me at the time.

Leslie

 

[BlovesC]

Surely you see the difference between choosing to shower someone with gifts and someone saying "come shower me with gifts!"

No, I don't, because I've never been to a baby shower where the entire purpose of it was not to simply get gifts. Even 'surprise' baby showers, which seem to be a rarity now, come complete with invitations detailing 5 or 6 different registries that the parents-to-be have completed. Who completes a registry for any reason other than telling people "this is what I want you to buy me"?

If this woman HAD someone in her life willing to throw the shower, they probably would be and this thread wouldn't exist. I just don't understand how it's universally accepted that this woman is simply 'tacky' rather than 'isolated'.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm going to a 'potluck' baby shower for a coworker in a few weeks. I never thought anything was weird about it. Granted, it's my...fifth or sixth baby shower in the past year, so at this point I may just be so burnt out nothing can faze me, but it hardly seems like a horrific offense.

You know, if a group of co-workers gets together to do a baby shower for another co-worker, I don't have a problem with "potluck". We've done that afew times where I work, ie "Can we use your hous efor the shower and everyone wil bring something?". Makes it easier on the "hostes" (ie-homeowner) since the shower is really from all the work friends.

But throwing a shower for yourself and asking people to bring a dish?????

This says to me "Look, I want you to bring me a present and I don't want to spend much money on getting you to bring me a present so I can maximize my gain, so in addition to bringing me a present would also bring food to feed yourself?".

Why not just say "I'm having a baby so send me money". That would save the MTB the trouble of having to buy paper goods for this so-called shower and it woud save all the invitees the trouble of shopping for a gift AND preparing their own food to eat at the shower.

OP, I'm with you. I'd have "another commitment", as in "Oh I'm so sorry that I won't be able to attend but I have another commitment".

I might send a gift....I might not. It would depend on how much angst not sending a gift would cause amongst family &/or friends.

 

[aprilgail2]

A baby shower is supposed to be a surprise. You can't surprise yourself.

Not according to the Dis- in some places the people who the shower is for actually give the list of people to invite, pick the date and the venue! I have never been to one that was not a surprise though!

 

[Swan4Me]

I'm sorry--I thought I misread the original post. The woman is giving herself a baby shower? Can you possibly get any tackier? Oh, yes you can, you can then tell your guests that they have to bring food!

OP, I think I would find somewhere else to be that evening. Or, you could use the old standby excuse for an absence, "I have to wash my hair."

Agreed- a friend or relative should host...tacky!

 

[disykat]

The difference between letting someone throw you a shower vs. throwing one for yourself is the difference between agreeing to graciously accept gifts vs. begging for (or demanding?) them.