bring a dish to a baby shower?

[kate_wdw]

Very common it seems in the US to be asked to bring food to a party.

But asking guests to supply both food and gifts is pretty nervy.

 

[momof1princess]

tacky. both to host your own baby shower, and to ask guests to bring food.

 

[Hannathy]

Asking guests to bring food is one thing if it is a casual get together, like friends cooking out at someones house, or a work shower for a co worker and everyone brings something except for the honoree It is an entirely different thing for an invitation party like a shower.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree. But by reading the dis it seems to be a common thing. I have never heard of asking guests to bring food.

It is one thing if it is mutually agreed upon, as in a "potluck", BBQ, holiday, or family.

But to throw yourself a baby shower and then expect guests to bring food and you a gift, is a nope.

Essentially if you are bringing a gift, you don't bring food (unless it is family).

Got it?

 

[ashley0139]

I hosted a baby shower for my best friend a couple of weeks ago. I am significantly younger than her, and do not have a lot of money (trying to make it in the big city). She wanted me to throw the shower, as she is my best friend. I did as much as I could, but I simply could not afford to feed 30 people. I did ask a couple of people to bring things, and thank goodness, they were more than happy to oblige. I am so glad none of those people had to "wash their hair" that day as I could not have been more grateful that people were willing to bring a fruit bowl, pasta salad, or a vegetable platter. However, I did not write it as a reminder on the invite, but reached out to people individually to see if people were willing/able to bring things. If not, there was no problem. My best friend had an amazing time at her shower, and thankfully the few people who did were not put out that I asked them to bring something.

I don't get being so uptight about all these "rules." Different kinds of showers, different kinds of people.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I hosted a baby shower for my best friend a couple of weeks ago. I am significantly younger than her, and do not have a lot of money (trying to make it in the big city). She wanted me to throw the shower, as she is my best friend. I did as much as I could, but I simply could not afford to feed 30 people. I did ask a couple of people to bring things, and thank goodness, they were more than happy to oblige. I am so glad none of those people had to "wash their hair" that day as I could not have been more grateful that people were willing to bring a fruit bowl, pasta salad, or a vegetable platter. However, I did not write it as a reminder on the invite, but reached out to people individually to see if people were willing/able to bring things. If not, there was no problem. My best friend had an amazing time at her shower, and thankfully the few people who did were not put out that I asked them to bring something.

I don't get being so uptight about all these "rules." Different kinds of showers, different kinds of people.

Your situation is competely different than the OP's. You reached out to a few people for help. Completely acceptable & you needed the help.

In this case the OP's host does not need the help she is just greedy & tacky. You have to learn how to discern the two as you get older and you will.

 

[ols386]

I'm sorry--I thought I misread the original post. The woman is giving herself a baby shower? Can you possibly get any tackier? Oh, yes you can, you can then tell your guests that they have to bring food!

OP, I think I would find somewhere else to be that evening. Or, you could use the old standby excuse for an absence, "I have to wash my hair."

Or, "no I can't come because I'm dieting."

Very common it seems in the US to be asked to bring food to a party.

To a party, yes.

To a shower where you are already bringing a gift, no.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I'm going to a 'potluck' baby shower for a coworker in a few weeks. I never thought anything was weird about it. Granted, it's my...fifth or sixth baby shower in the past year, so at this point I may just be so burnt out nothing can faze me, but it hardly seems like a horrific offense.

^^^This. I've been to many "potluck" wedding receptions over the years. No big deal & the food is always WAY better than a catered affair anyway.


However, it does seem VERY weird that the mom-to-be is throwing herself a shower.

 

[aprilgail2]

So the guest of honor is throwing her own shower and wants her guests to bring the food? I can think of the right word to describe it: tacky! That is one shower I definitely would not be attending.

I agree--that is so totally wrong to do!

That reminds me of a shower I attended recently where we were handed envelopes and a piece of paper as we were leaving. We were asked to address the envelope to ourselves for the thank you note, and we were asked to write on the paper what we brought as a gift and stick it in the envelope as a reminder to the bride. Crazy!
.

I have heard that before on the Dis and I can't believe people would actually do that at a shower- how terribly tacky that is!! Addressing your own envelope is way tacky enough but to have to add paper saying what you bought is over the top! Where people get these ideas and how can thye not see how rude/tacky they are????

^^^This. I've been to many "potluck" wedding receptions over the years. No big deal & the food is always WAY better than a catered affair anyway.
.

a potluck wedding reception???? I can't even imagine! If you don't have enough money to throw yourself a reception you should just quietly get married and go out to dinner with family, not ask others to bring in food for your reception!

 

[luvmy3]

Asking guests to bring food is one thing if it is a casual get together, like friends cooking out at someones house, or a work shower for a co worker and everyone brings something except for the honoree It is an entirely different thing for an invitation party like a shower.

Exactly.

This definitely goes down as the tackiest thing I've heard. I kind of wish I was friends with this woman on FB just to read the responses

 

[leebee]

Many folks here seem to "travel in a different circle" than I do. What's wrong with having a pot-luck? Maybe you all earn more than we do or something, but I've been to all kinds of pot-luck events. It's always fun to get together with a bunch of folks, let's have some food and make it more fun, why should one person/family do all the work and bear all the expense? I've been invited to "BYOM" cookouts, where you bring your own meat and the host/ess has a grill set up; sometimes the hosting family provides side dishes, sometimes it's "BYOM and a dish to pass." I've been to "we'll provide the main dish, please bring a side or dessert to share" parties, too. I've been to big, outdoor wedding receptions that are more like BBQs with all the guests bringing a dish to share. I've been to pot-luck baby showers, retirement parties, end of year parties. Do you really have a problem with spending another $5 to make a pot of pasta, or $1.50 for a plate of brownies? This is about having fun and sharing friendship, not about "well if you can't afford the food you shouldn't have a party!" Around here when it's a pot-luck, you always know about it up-front. The invitation will say "Pot-luck baby shower for XYZ!" If you have a problem with the pot-luck aspect, DON"T GO. You won't have any fun, and won't be fun to be with, if you are there and all twitchy about having been asked to bring some food.

MY problem with OP's situation is that the hostess is giving a shower for HERSELF! Who does this? Is it a new thing? A shower or party is something you give to someone ELSE as a way to congratulate them, and you ask others if they'd like to come help you congratulate and celebrate your mutual friend. Since when does a self-celebration hold water? "I am so excited about my upcoming lifestyle change that I want you to come honor me over it and bring me gifts to congratulate me and celebrate me?" Seriously, who DOES this? Pretty conceited, IMO. (and the self-addressed thank you envelopes is just plain lazy and insulting... why not just include the thank you card with the gift, pre-stamped, and write it to yourself? "Thanks for coming to my party that I had for me and bringing all the food and bringing me a present and you are so good at it that I'll let you write your own thank-you card, because I guess you really aren't important enough to me for me to take the time, or make the effort, to say thanks on my own?" )

I guess I don't have an issue with a pot-luck because to me it seems to be a sharing thing, not a gimme-gimme thing (which honestly I think a shower borders on being, in the first place, even when someone else holds one in your honor!)

 

[Katy Belle]

Do people not have showers with just cake and punch any more? None of the showers thrown for me, or by me, have included a meal! Come at 2, leave at 4, cake, punch, maybe veggies and dip. Easy, affordable, you celebrate the guest of honor and its all lovely!

I have never heard of anyone throwing a shower for them selves! Tacky!

 

[Jeafl]

I hosted a baby shower for my best friend a couple of weeks ago. I am significantly younger than her, and do not have a lot of money (trying to make it in the big city). She wanted me to throw the shower, as she is my best friend. I did as much as I could, but I simply could not afford to feed 30 people. I did ask a couple of people to bring things, and thank goodness, they were more than happy to oblige. I am so glad none of those people had to "wash their hair" that day as I could not have been more grateful that people were willing to bring a fruit bowl, pasta salad, or a vegetable platter. However, I did not write it as a reminder on the invite, but reached out to people individually to see if people were willing/able to bring things. If not, there was no problem. My best friend had an amazing time at her shower, and thankfully the few people who did were not put out that I asked them to bring something.

I don't get being so uptight about all these "rules." Different kinds of showers, different kinds of people.

Your situation is completely different because you are not hosting the shower for yourself, what you did was fine (in my opinion anyway!)

 

[Jeafl]

Many folks here seem to "travel in a different circle" than I do. What's wrong with having a pot-luck? Maybe you all earn more than we do or something, but I've been to all kinds of pot-luck events. It's always fun to get together with a bunch of folks, let's have some food and make it more fun, why should one person/family do all the work and bear all the expense? I've been invited to "BYOM" cookouts, where you bring your own meat and the host/ess has a grill set up; sometimes the hosting family provides side dishes, sometimes it's "BYOM and a dish to pass." I've been to "we'll provide the main dish, please bring a side or dessert to share" parties, too. I've been to big, outdoor wedding receptions that are more like BBQs with all the guests bringing a dish to share. I've been to pot-luck baby showers, retirement parties, end of year parties. Do you really have a problem with spending another $5 to make a pot of pasta, or $1.50 for a plate of brownies? This is about having fun and sharing friendship, not about "well if you can't afford the food you shouldn't have a party!" Around here when it's a pot-luck, you always know about it up-front. The invitation will say "Pot-luck baby shower for XYZ!" If you have a problem with the pot-luck aspect, DON"T GO. You won't have any fun, and won't be fun to be with, if you are there and all twitchy about having been asked to bring some food.

MY problem with OP's situation is that the hostess is giving a shower for HERSELF! Who does this? Is it a new thing? A shower or party is something you give to someone ELSE as a way to congratulate them, and you ask others if they'd like to come help you congratulate and celebrate your mutual friend. Since when does a self-celebration hold water? "I am so excited about my upcoming lifestyle change that I want you to come honor me over it and bring me gifts to congratulate me and celebrate me?" Seriously, who DOES this? Pretty conceited, IMO. (and the self-addressed thank you envelopes is just plain lazy and insulting... why not just include the thank you card with the gift, pre-stamped, and write it to yourself? "Thanks for coming to my party that I had for me and bringing all the food and bringing me a present and you are so good at it that I'll let you write your own thank-you card, because I guess you really aren't important enough to me for me to take the time, or make the effort, to say thanks on my own?" )

I guess I don't have an issue with a pot-luck because to me it seems to be a sharing thing, not a gimme-gimme thing (which honestly I think a shower borders on being, in the first place, even when someone else holds one in your honor!)

I have no problem with potlucks as a rule. I just don't think someone should throw a shower for herself, and then ask people to bring the food too. If it was just a get together that is completely different, it wouldn't be a big deal to ask people o chip in.

 

[Stitchfans]

So the guest of honor is throwing her own shower and wants her guests to bring the food? I can think of the right word to describe it: tacky! That is one shower I definitely would not be attending.

I agree. She wants her friends to supply the food and plus bring something for her unborn child? Really tacky! Throwing your own shower is very tacky. The whole thing screams tacky. Nope that is one shower I would not be attending.

 

[sasywtch]

I agree with the post below. I don't listen to the etiquette books because if you look at the ancestors, birth of babies, weddings or any emergencies (deaths, barn burning down etc), the towns people got together and chipped in, brought food etc. It wasn't until Miss Manners showed up and decided this shouldn't be done. I would weigh my decision on how close I was to the person. If it was a close relative or very close friend, I would have zero problem with it. If it was a 4th cousin removed that I hadn't seen for 20 years but I was invited for a present, I probably wouldn't go. I can tell when I'm just invited for a present or if I'm invited for both a present and my company. (let's face it, showers are for presents).

Many folks here seem to "travel in a different circle" than I do. What's wrong with having a pot-luck? Maybe you all earn more than we do or something, but I've been to all kinds of pot-luck events. It's always fun to get together with a bunch of folks, let's have some food and make it more fun, why should one person/family do all the work and bear all the expense? I've been invited to "BYOM" cookouts, where you bring your own meat and the host/ess has a grill set up; sometimes the hosting family provides side dishes, sometimes it's "BYOM and a dish to pass." I've been to "we'll provide the main dish, please bring a side or dessert to share" parties, too. I've been to big, outdoor wedding receptions that are more like BBQs with all the guests bringing a dish to share. I've been to pot-luck baby showers, retirement parties, end of year parties. Do you really have a problem with spending another $5 to make a pot of pasta, or $1.50 for a plate of brownies? This is about having fun and sharing friendship, not about "well if you can't afford the food you shouldn't have a party!" Around here when it's a pot-luck, you always know about it up-front. The invitation will say "Pot-luck baby shower for XYZ!" If you have a problem with the pot-luck aspect, DON"T GO. You won't have any fun, and won't be fun to be with, if you are there and all twitchy about having been asked to bring some food.

MY problem with OP's situation is that the hostess is giving a shower for HERSELF! Who does this? Is it a new thing? A shower or party is something you give to someone ELSE as a way to congratulate them, and you ask others if they'd like to come help you congratulate and celebrate your mutual friend. Since when does a self-celebration hold water? "I am so excited about my upcoming lifestyle change that I want you to come honor me over it and bring me gifts to congratulate me and celebrate me?" Seriously, who DOES this? Pretty conceited, IMO. (and the self-addressed thank you envelopes is just plain lazy and insulting... why not just include the thank you card with the gift, pre-stamped, and write it to yourself? "Thanks for coming to my party that I had for me and bringing all the food and bringing me a present and you are so good at it that I'll let you write your own thank-you card, because I guess you really aren't important enough to me for me to take the time, or make the effort, to say thanks on my own?" )

I guess I don't have an issue with a pot-luck because to me it seems to be a sharing thing, not a gimme-gimme thing (which honestly I think a shower borders on being, in the first place, even when someone else holds one in your honor!)

 

[disykat]

Like some others, I'm all for pot-lucks. Like others, I'm opposed to someone throwing themselves a "shower" which is specifically designed to be about receiving gifts.

Mostly, like Katy Bell, I say cut the cake, pour the punch - every party doesn't have to be a full meal. I grew up going to parties that only had dessert. My mother used to invite neighbors or friends over for dessert regularly, or a group of ladies in the afternoon for coffee and cake. She even had the little plates designed for dessert and a tea cup.

It took me awhile to catch on. I went to several parties, after eating at my meal at home first, and wondered why they had all that food. I still think that if there's going to be a meal, especially if it's not a typical meal time, I'd assume they'd mention it on the invitation.

Ever since I started reading the DIS I'm afraid to invite anyone for dessert for fear they'll be insulted I didn't invite them for a full meal! Although I often have the kids friends stay to dinner, I'm simply not that confident a cook to be throwing dinner parties. That means we simply don't entertain much anymore. Sad.

I saw some of those dessert and cup plates recently at a garage sale and was tempted, but realized I'd never be able to use them because they simply wouldn't fit the buffet you're expected to serve at every gathering.

 

[ToTLaugher]

While I agree with all of you that throwing your own shower is beyond tacky and should never be done, I can't help but feel sad for this woman who is entering motherhood with no friends or family she is close enough to that they would choose to throw a shower for her. (I am in NO way implying the OP should be doing this!) The mother-to-be must be feeling pretty lonely. It makes me wonder who she will turn to when she experiences all the questions and insecurities of life with a new born. Especially now that she has probably irritated most women she knows.

Of course I feel no sympathy if this is not her first child. No one needs a second shower!

 

[mfd25wife]

I recently received an invitation to a baby shower/birthday party from a young mother to be, who is 23 or 24. I had several problems with it. First, this is her 2nd child, which even that would be ok except her 1st child and her husband's child from a previous marriage is being raised by her parents. They have at least temporary guardianship if not permanent. She lost them last year. Sooo, she's having a girl this time and thought she needed a shower for girl things. Her mother didn't give her the shower. She sent me a group invite in FB. It was worded as come to my house and celebrate my birthday and shower for baby x. She even put in there, "I know people want to give me a birthday present, but you can use the money for the baby present." Yes, it was worded exactly like that. Oh, and the party was at 12:00 noon in the middle of the week. There was no way I was taking vacation time to go to that thing. wow.

Concerning the "self addressed thank you cards", I found that tacky and lazy. I've only been faced with it at two showers. One really thought it was a cute idea she had seen somewhere. The other should really know better. Really nice house, chocolate fountain, enough appetizers to count as a regular party, but mom nor grandmother wanted to write out thank you cards.

 

[aprilgail2]

It took me awhile to catch on. I went to several parties, after eating at my meal at home first, and wondered why they had all that food. I still think that if there's going to be a meal, especially if it's not a typical meal time, I'd assume they'd mention it on the invitation..

LOL--I feel the exact opposite--if there is going to be no meal they should state that. Almost every function here no matter what the time serves a meal. A kids birthday party at 10am even has a meal!