breaking up a teen internet romance

[hrh_disney_queen]

I have no advice other than to point out that the topless photo she sent to him and the fact that she is 15 can be grounds for either of them to be arrested for child pornography and be labeled a sex offender for the rest of their lives. Maybe not her, but definitely him. I would be concerned about exactly who has seen/has knowlege/copies of this photo as this can become a huge problem if an authority figure sees it.

 

[ilovejack02]

I have no advice other than to point out that the topless photo she sent to him and the fact that she is 15 can be grounds for either of them to be arrested for child pornography and be labeled a sex offender for the rest of their lives. Maybe not her, but definitely him. I would be concerned about exactly who has seen/has knowlege/copies of this photo as this can become a huge problem if an authority figure sees it.

This is very very true, I would be livid about that and most likely would contact the other parents about it also.
I didnt mean to gloss over that in my last response.
With all the texting and the net, it is almost like the kids feel like they are more anonymous and are much much braver then my generation of teens were. It is amazing how much more sexed up kids are these days.
Not that we werent full of raging hormones too, but I didnt know anyone that would have phone sex, but kids these days dont think twice about sexting and some really raunchy stuff.
I knew about things when I was a teen, but we were not nearly as "educated" as these kids are.
I wish these kids would slow down in trying to grow up!

Good luck op, there is lots to think about !

 

[disney1990]

This can be a very scary situation. We recently had 2 teen commit suicide because they were told to stop seeing each other. I recommend that you seek professional help.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33604828/ns/local_news-washington_dc/

 

[DisneyFed]

While the age difference isn't that great...

15 yo sending topless photos to a 17 yo spells trouble for said 17 yo?

When did this become OK for kids to do? I guess I missed that memo.

 

[java]

I have a 15 year old son in a in real life relationship and it's pretty similar. It's the first real "love" situation for both of them. And they are talking almost 24/7. I had to limit that. I am trying to respect their feelings and allow an hour a day of phone time during the week. But I need to deal with weekends now. If I allowed it she would move in. Her family is a mess and I think this is where it gets difficult. She is the depressed one I believe and has latched on and my son is going to "save" her, I am guessing.

Perhaps you could open a conversation and talk about your concerns. The lying being a HUGE one for me. Say that is not the basis for a good relationship. If they have nothing to hide why is she lying.
Give her a little space too though. If you try to eliminate him all together I fear he may become "THE ONE" to her.

 

[golfgal]

This is very very true, I would be livid about that and most likely would contact the other parents about it also.
I didnt mean to gloss over that in my last response.
With all the texting and the net, it is almost like the kids feel like they are more anonymous and are much much braver then my generation of teens were. It is amazing how much more sexed up kids are these days.
Not that we werent full of raging hormones too, but I didnt know anyone that would have phone sex, but kids these days dont think twice about sexting and some really raunchy stuff.
I knew about things when I was a teen, but we were not nearly as "educated" as these kids are.
I wish these kids would slow down in trying to grow up!

Good luck op, there is lots to think about !

Teens are no more sexed up now then when we were growing up. I know of plenty of kids in high school that were having sex, getting pregnant, etc. We didn't have the technology to get into the sexting or phone sex so they just did it in person and given the choice over the phone is a lot safer . There were girls in our school that would flash boys which equates to the texting of topless pictures. I think you were just out of touch with what was going on when you were in high school.

 

[OceanAnnie]

This can be a very scary situation. We recently had 2 teen commit suicide because they were told to stop seeing each other. I recommend that you seek professional help.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33604828/ns/local_news-washington_dc/

There have been cases in the news about forbidden love, where instead of suicide the couple turned on their parents. It can be a very volatile situation, with emotions running high. Not saying it will happen in this case, but it has happened many times.

 

[kellyg403]

While I am also in the camp re: restricting the relationship makes it more appealing to both of them, I just can't get past the lying and sneaking and the topless photo. Yes, today's 15 may be the the old 18 in the sex/love category, as a parent I am just not willing to let my 15 yo think its o.k. to do any of the above. Its just not. Honestly, I would sit her down and explain that seeing said boy would be o.k. during family gatherings, because of the lying and the sneaking etc your dd has to own her part of making this relationship forbidden. At 15 she is old enough to understand that there are consequences for the lying and the photo. The relationship isn't the problem its how they are going about it.

I would imagine, the relationship will fizzle out once there is no cloak and dagger routine. Once they get the chance to meet and spend a few house together, all of it is out in the open, no need for lying etc. It may be the reason it is still going on, the 'forbidden' love part. When you are 15 it feels much more like Romeo and Juliet when your parents are forbidding it. It reinforces the fact that this guy is the only person who really understands her.

I don't know. I wouldn't forbid the relationship but would limit things because of the rest of the story and make the two of them own that part. Then once they can be trusted give them a little more freedom. Chances are, by the time you get to that part she or he may have met someone else. Or someone who is closer so there isn't all the work involved in keeping up a long distance relationship. They are 15 and 17, I don't think they have the stamina to keep up the relationship. But, who knows, they could be right and this is true love for them. So, make sure you make it very clear the lying and the photos are a no go.

Kelly

 

[torinsmom]

You can call your carrier and have the photo messaging and data plan disabled. DS15 does not have that feature because of overuse of data. I have also heard that boys that receive pictures of a nude girl can face charges of some sort. I don't feel he needs that feature. You can have text messaging without the picture messaging.

DS was talking to some girl on Xbox live and texting her as well, with some sexual connotations in the texts. He was texting to two phone numbers. After talking to him and discussing why I thought it was a problem, I also blocked those numbers from outgoing or incoming. He was not "in love" though, so that may not work for OP.

OP--I would call and talk to the parents and see what they think. If he is a good kids with good parents, I would not stop them from talking. Maybe you can arrange a meeting at some point. If both sets of parents are aware of the situation, there may be no harm in letting the relationship go on. Let your dd know that if there is any more acting out, such as running away, lying or nude pictures, you will take measures to end things.

Maybe its me, but I am thinking a long distance relationship might be a good deterrent for a teen not to be "trying things out" locally.

Marsha

 

[fall08CP]

Seven years ago, I was in the same spot as your child. I didn't do topless photos by any means, but I had a secret online relationship, and they were even less accepted then than they are now. My parents initially freaked, but then they called the guy up and realized he was very normal. We met up a few months later and things worked out great.

And guess what? Seven years later, we're still together. In a few months we'll be living in the same state for the first time. Long distance relationships can be very healthy- we are less focused on the physical and have a strong emotional connection.

Obviously, use common sense. I agree with others that forbidding it won't make the guy go away. She will just use more desperate measures (I know I would have). If they meet up and are compatible, great! If they don't work out, then you win. You are online getting advice from strangers, so obviously not all internet people are freaks.

 

[FireDancer]

Wow, this sounds like the plot to a Lifetime movie. Where to even begin. I have never been able to understand how people fall in love with anyone whom they have never met. It just baffles me. I am also astounded when anyone sends naked (or topless) pictures to anyone. Once those are out they are out there forever. I live by the mantra that anything you post online will be out there somewhere forever. Someday down the road an employer or future children might see it. If it is something I wouldn't want either or them to see I don't put it online. It all seems crazy to me.

Has your daughter attempted to apply any logic to this situation? I am not a statistician but I imagine the odds of something like this working out long term are pretty darn low. He will be in college next year if he is a senior. I don't know a single person who stayed in a relationship with a H.S. student after they were in college, especially for two years. The best relationship advice I got when I was your daughter's age is that relationships at that age are fleeting. They come and go and don't put too much emotional time into them. I know exactly one person who married anyone they dated in H.S. and that was years after graduation.

I hope your daughter gets some help because this just sounds like a recipe for disaster. I have no idea how to even advise handling it because I can't imagine the motivation for wanting such a high maintenance, long distance relationship. If I have been in a serious relationship and we get separated maybe you find a way to make it work short term until you can be back together again but to start a relationship like this just doesn't seem like a good idea.

 

[paintnolish]

First of all, let me just say I do not/would not condone the lies, running away, or topless photos. However, between my friends and I, we have done all of those things at some point in the name of "love" (not internet photos but similar). None of us are in jail or dead, but we were somewhat rebellious. I have friends who flashed a guy. I snuck out. I lied to my parents in the name of love a few times. I think the fact that she has to hide the romance or felt like she did is the problem. If he is a normal 17 year old boy who just happens to live in another state, I don't see the problem. Given a little freedom, it (the romance) will most likely run its course. Your daughter's mind does not have the ability to apply logic to the situation in the same capacity that most adults do. It's just not how the adolescent brain works. I think she needs to be allowed some contact with the boy but by your rules and also the rules of his parent. If she is an otherwise responsible, good girl, don't push her away by not allowing this. That is just my opinion, but I am speaking somewhat from my own experiences and those of friends. Good luck to your family!

 

[nerdylightbulb]

I'm a 15 year old girl and let me say that I would never do anything like that. But the point is that a lot of people my age do. I definitely think that if your daughter is gonna go meet him (which I think you should let her do. She may not like him as much after a real conversation with him), you should be present.

 

[landshark]

I've had both good and bad experiences with online relationships. In terms of good experiences, I'm currently living with someone I met online a couple of years ago and, at the time, lived hours away from me. It's something I don't regret in the least.

While I also don't condone how she's gone about this, is it possible she's doing such things because she thinks you'd freak out over it? If you haven't, maybe you need to sit down and have a serious discussion with her about the risks of online dating and that you're there for her if she wants to talk about all of this. Don't condemn the whole thing, help her be responsible about it if this is what she wants.

Try to talk to his parents and see how they feel about this. Like others have said, if he checks out, what's the harm? Don't worry about denying her experiences close to home just because someone else said they regretted it. These days it's incredibly more common for people to look for love online regardless of age. Things may fizzle out in due time or this might be a positive lasting relationship--don't deny her this learning experience.

If he will be in the same state over Thanksgiving, maybe it'd be the perfect opportunity to let them meet and get things dealt with now. Since it's so close, I would see how that goes and then see how your daughter behaves. If she's still dramatic about it all, maybe then it would be good for her to talk to a therapist.

 

[krcit]

Wow, this sounds like the plot to a Lifetime movie. Where to even begin. I have never been able to understand how people fall in love with anyone whom they have never met. It just baffles me. I am also astounded when anyone sends naked (or topless) pictures to anyone. Once those are out they are out there forever. I live by the mantra that anything you post online will be out there somewhere forever. Someday down the road an employer or future children might see it. If it is something I wouldn't want either or them to see I don't put it online. It all seems crazy to me.

Has your daughter attempted to apply any logic to this situation? I am not a statistician but I imagine the odds of something like this working out long term are pretty darn low. He will be in college next year if he is a senior. I don't know a single person who stayed in a relationship with a H.S. student after they were in college, especially for two years. The best relationship advice I got when I was your daughter's age is that relationships at that age are fleeting. They come and go and don't put too much emotional time into them. I know exactly one person who married anyone they dated in H.S. and that was years after graduation.

I hope your daughter gets some help because this just sounds like a recipe for disaster. I have no idea how to even advise handling it because I can't imagine the motivation for wanting such a high maintenance, long distance relationship. If I have been in a serious relationship and we get separated maybe you find a way to make it work short term until you can be back together again but to start a relationship like this just doesn't seem like a good idea.

Most 15 year old girls who are 'in love' are not thinking logically, that's the whole problem. As a 40 year old rational adult, I get it but I remember being 15 and having my whole world revolve around a boy. I get what you are saying and I understand it esp. the topless pics part but a teenage girl isn't thinking past this romance.

OP, as a mom of a teenage girl, I wish yu luck in this difficult situation.

 

[FireDancer]

Most 15 year old girls who are 'in love' are not thinking logically, that's the whole problem. As a 40 year old rational adult, I get it but I remember being 15 and having my whole world revolve around a boy. I get what you are saying and I understand it esp. the topless pics part but a teenage girl isn't thinking past this romance.

I get the whole teen in love thing but I do remember being a 15 year old boy but I never took any relationship back then all that seriously. I guess I always looked at it as I don't need someone else to validate myself. Too often kids that age feel as though they do, which is sad. I guess it is what it is, but it seems a bit extreme to me.

 

[OK!]

While the age difference isn't that great...

15 yo sending topless photos to a 17 yo spells trouble for said 17 yo?

When did this become OK for kids to do? I guess I missed that memo.

Same here.

 

[ProgressCity]

(Haven't read through the whole thread yet, but wanted to chime in.)

If you really want her to even have a chance of ending the "relationship" you have got to stop caring. By you not being ok with this and punishing her you are pushing her towards him. Now he is the only one who understands her and she can complain to him about how "mean" her mom is. She's thinking you don't understand her and this guy does and he "loves" her, unlike mom who just doesn't get her and tries to stifle her and could never understand this level of love. (In case you're not picking it up, I don't believe that, but she does.) When you get upset at her for having this relationship it upsets her, and guess what, the only person in her life right now that she feels she can talk to is this boy. The relationship would probably not be such a big deal to her if it wasn't such a big deal to you.

I'm speaking from experience here, right after I graduated high school I started dating a guy that was supposed to be just a fun summer relationship before heading up to college, nothing more. Well, my mom had a major issue with it. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was 18, living on my own, and the relationship was very chaste, so no reason for mom to even be concerned except she hadn't hand picked this guy (throughout high school I was never allowed to date anyone who asked me, my mom would only let me go out with guys she set me up with, yes she is a little psycho ). She was getting so upset and it just drove me to this guy more. I liked him and he was going through her wrath about our relationship with me and therefore was the only one who could really understand what was going on. We got really close and it's because my mom pushed us there, kind of acting like a catalyst for our relationship. So, instead of going out once a week like we had planned before college, I was now talking to him everyday and he ended up going to college with me and now, several years later, we are happily married.

I'm not saying the 2 situations are the same, I understand your concern over the daughter's lying and her age, but I just thought this might be good food for thought. I don't know if your daughter really is in love or not, but remember that to her it is very real. More than likely the feelings will fade if you just let them burn out. Would it be possible for them to meet and let them go out together? Remember, a big reason why this relationship is working is because it is long distance. Right now they are perfect to each other because they don't have to be around one another. It's easy to love someone when you don't have to be around them when they're cranky or being disgusting. They're idealizing one another because they are not in a situation to discover the other one's faults.

If you decide to just be ok with the relationship and let her know that, there would be no reason for her to be deceitful (not condoning her behavior here). Look on the bright side, you don't have to worry about them being sexually active . Seriously though, realize that your daughter's at an age where she probably feels that no one understands her. If I were you I would encourage her to have more normal high school experiences and then be ok with her coming home and chatting about them to this guy. But as long as she is viewing you as the "wicked witch" she is just going to burrow deeper into this relationship and it will be that much harder to get her out. Maybe have a conference call or meet with him and his parents and say that you're ok with the relationship as long as it doesn't distract from schoolwork and local friends. Test it out and go from there.

Just my advice from the outside looking in. Of course, the whole topless picture thing throws a whole other wrench in things and I don't know what to tell you, it is completely befuddling to me and seems to be getting more common, probably the result of exposure to things like celebrity sex tapes and whatnot. I understand your frustration and concern, but remember in 3 years she'll be an adult and if she doesn't feel like she can be open with you now imagine how much worse it will be when she's no longer at home. You have a fine line to walk between making sure your daughter is safe and behaving appropriately and not pushing her away and into worse things. I wish you the best

 

[NotUrsula]

Well, don't stop caring. Stop obsessing on forcing the relationship to end, which is a different thing entirely.

I would be inclined to actually facilitate the relationship to become real-world, on the theory that familiarity breeds contempt. Either one of them is much more likely to naturally break it off if they no longer see themselves as the stars of a TV movie. The risk and drama are probably driving this thing -- eliminate them, and then it's just another HS dating situation.

That said, I think that the best way to take this out in the open and keep it on the up and up is to contact the boy's parents and arrange to let them meet under the eyes of family. They will probably be somewhat mortified, which would be all to the good.

The one issue that I see with working this out is that photo. If his parents know about it, you probably don't have a snowball's chance in a hot place of getting them to agree to a meeting. Possession of that photo is enough to put their son on a sex offender registry for the rest of his life, so if they know about it, they probably consider your daughter to be the worst kind of bad news, and there is probably nothing that you could say that could make them consider her otherwise.

 

[Stucas]

I would like to add something from the other point of view. When I was 17 (3 weeks shy of 18, while I don't think its the same as 15 I can't say my mom would see it that way) I "met" a guy online who was 24. He did live local and we met in person once or twice before my mom ever knew. When she found out she was a little upset because I didn't tell her and because of the age difference. She asked to meet him and once she did she was fine with him, she loves him too. Its now over 6 years later and we're married and I couldn't be happier. I really can't say what my life would be like if my mom had told me i couldn't see him. It would have ruined our relationship and I'm sure I would have just snuck around behind her back to see him.