Blended family issue, advice needed

[Arabelle]

yeah, god forbid you support the child that has half your husband's dna.

 

[herdtoDisney]

yeah, god forbid you support the child that has half your husband's dna.

According to the OP, her dh IS following the child support order, AND giving extra-it's the ex who is not buying the plane ticket per the order.

So you have your soapbox mixed up

 

[disneychic2]

Paying for half of a plane ticket is picky? How so?

In our case, taking one more is a major expense. We pay full adult price for everything for SS. The only times we could take him to Disney would be peak season with everything being crazy inflated on top of it.

It's a bit harsh to say my DH is forgetting about his son considering we've been paying for nearly all travel and all extras for the past 4 years. And DH is paying double the child support according to the worksheet but has never once even considered having it lowered. She still gets child support for the two months every summer that he spends with us.
And a lot of that comes out of my paycheck since DH already gets a huge chunk taking out for child support.

So I'm expected to work my butt off but not spend any of it on doing things with my DD because DSS cant participate in all of it?
Some people seem to forget that his still has a mother who is responsible for his upkeep just as much as my DH.

So while DSS is on vacation with his grandparents or mother we are not supposed to take DD on trips (be it disney or whereever) because he can't go? So my DD will be sitting it out every time while DSS is taking multiple vacations a year?
I'm sorry, like i said i do what I can for my SS but I will not deprive my daughter because we cannot always afford to take DSS

You asked for advise and are getting blasted by a few who probably never walked in your shoes. You don't have to justify yourself to them. Ignore them and just realize that there is no precise answer here.

I agree with the pp who said the child support should be all the mom gets. Nickel and diming your DH is working, so she'll keep doing it. She'll also keep shirking her responsibility for 1/2 the airfare as long as DH provides full fare amount. It's a tribute to him as a father that he continues to do this so as to see his son, but when you have a household budget that is tight, it may be that the visits will have to be fewer since he has to pay the entire amount.

Also, don't worry about taking your DD wherever you want. I'm sure you make your time with DSS special while he's there. He goes places your DD doesn't go and DD goes places he doesn't go. That's the fact of a split family. Also, don't get into any discussions with anyone about what you should or shouldn't do. It's non of their business. Period. I think it takes a lot of nerve for a family member (ex even) to call and butt into things.

It sounds to me like you and DH are doing the very best you can, and that you both love this young man like crazy. Keep up the good work and I truly hope things get better. And thanks to your DH for serving all of us overseas and to you for carrying on without him. Good luck!

Oh! And for what it's worth, DH and I each had two children from previous marriages: he 2 boys, me 2 girls. We had custody of all of them, so I know a few things about ex spouses and the headaches.

 

[Chelley00]

I have four kids, two from my first marriage so not quite the same thing bit We deal with some of the same things.

We've taken trips without my oldest two. They get to travel with their dad, and I don't think it's fair that the other kids don't get to go anywhere while the other ones get to go places. We hear so many people tell us how horrible we are for going places without the older 2, how we are "leaving them out" etc.

In the end, the kids all take about the same amount of trips. We do go places all 6 of us, but I don't feel bad for taking the 2 little ones places.

 

[stairstepmom]

I haven't read all the responses, just wanted to say I'm sorry for the stress! I was the DSD but my father never kept up with his child support agreement until the courts caught up with him and started taking it from his paychecks. He sent my mom $150 a month per the agreement. My mom never pursued more or asked for much else, so he got lucky I guess.

The whole system is unfair in so many ways, but there's little you can do. It doesn't matter how many kids your DH has with you, the courts strongly favor the mother and follow the "first families first" rule - meaning, his second family has to lose out. If she wanted to the ex could probably get the court to change the agreement to force your DH to pay for ALL travel costs. It really is ridiculous. A friend of mine works her butt off to make ends meet in order to foot her DH's child support bill, and the ex is NEVER satisfied!

I feel for ya!

 

[Arabelle]

They follow first family first because you shouldn't have more if you can't support the first.

And choosing a Disney trip over paying to have your son would make a man pretty darn shallow.

It is so sad that so many people care so little about the feelings of a kid.

 

[jillyb]

You asked for advise and are getting blasted by a few who probably never walked in your shoes. You don't have to justify yourself to them. Ignore them and just realize that there is no precise answer here.

I agree with the pp who said the child support should be all the mom gets. Nickel and diming your DH is working, so she'll keep doing it. She'll also keep shirking her responsibility for 1/2 the airfare as long as DH provides full fare amount. It's a tribute to him as a father that he continues to do this so as to see his son, but when you have a household budget that is tight, it may be that the visits will have to be fewer since he has to pay the entire amount.

Also, don't worry about taking your DD wherever you want. I'm sure you make your time with DSS special while he's there. He goes places your DD doesn't go and DD goes places he doesn't go. That's the fact of a split family. Also, don't get into any discussions with anyone about what you should or shouldn't do. It's non of their business. Period. I think it takes a lot of nerve for a family member (ex even) to call and butt into things.

It sounds to me like you and DH are doing the very best you can, and that you both love this young man like crazy. Keep up the good work and I truly hope things get better. And thanks to your DH for serving all of us overseas and to you for carrying on without him. Good luck!

Oh! And for what it's worth, DH and I each had two children from previous marriages: he 2 boys, me 2 girls. We had custody of all of them, so I know a few things about ex spouses and the headaches.

Bravo! Well said!

 

[usarmywife84]

xxxx

 

[jillyb]

I haven't read all the responses, just wanted to say I'm sorry for the stress! I was the DSD but my father never kept up with his child support agreement until the courts caught up with him and started taking it from his paychecks. He sent my mom $150 a month per the agreement. My mom never pursued more or asked for much else, so he got lucky I guess.

The whole system is unfair in so many ways, but there's little you can do. It doesn't matter how many kids your DH has with you, the courts strongly favor the mother and follow the "first families first" rule - meaning, his second family has to lose out. If she wanted to the ex could probably get the court to change the agreement to force your DH to pay for ALL travel costs. It really is ridiculous. A friend of mine works her butt off to make ends meet in order to foot her DH's child support bill, and the ex is NEVER satisfied!

I feel for ya!

So true! And yet the Mother can have as many more children as she wants with no problem so the Father who is paying child support for his child with the Ex is also paying for the other kids as well. No doubt that's what's happening in the OP's situation.

 

[robinb]

They follow first family first because you shouldn't have more if you can't support the first.

And choosing a Disney trip over paying to have your son would make a man pretty darn shallow.

It is so sad that so many people care so little about the feelings of a kid.

I don't know which thread you're reading, but the OP's family did not pick Disney over seeing the DSS. I think the OP just wants the mom/ex to contribute what the custody/visitation agreement spells out. You can't fault her for that. I don't see any indication she wants her DH to shirk his responsibilities.

 

[mrs06chris]

They follow first family first because you shouldn't have more if you can't support the first.

And choosing a Disney trip over paying to have your son would make a man pretty darn shallow.

It is so sad that so many people care so little about the feelings of a kid.

Then maybe the DSS mother should not have had 3 more children.

 

[Arabelle]

So true! And yet the Mother can have as many more children as she wants with no problem so the Father who is paying child support for his child with the Ex is also paying for the other kids as well. No doubt that's what's happening in the OP's situation.

Lol, no doubt! We know so much about her. The stepmom is always the best judge of character.

 

[mrs06chris]

OP, it sounds like you and your DH are doing all you can plus more. Have you asked your DSS if he even wants to go to Disney World. Some teenage boys may (not mine ) not want to go.

My DH has been in the Air Force for over 22 years so we understand that it's not that easy to "just get out".

Don't listen to the people that obviously have some step issues of their own going on. And if you and your DH want another baby, go for it!

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[mrs06chris]

Lol, no doubt! We know so much about her. The stepmom is always the best judge of character.

No, it seems as though you are the best judge!

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[princesspwrhr]

I've read through the whole thing, and I whole heartedly agree that you need to go back to court. However, rather than adjust the child support, would it be possible for your DH to gain full custody of his son? It seems like he stepped up when he found out about him, has done what has been required and more of him as far as court orders are required, loves his son, and that his mom really can't afford 4 kids. (or really can't afford a teenage boy) If it were possible for your and your dh to gain custody, could you then afford the round trip plane tickets for him to go visit him mom for 5 weeks in the summer and the round trip fare for the every other year holidays? With DSS living with you guys, you assume all costs, cut out this 50/50 crap that she obviously isn't able to afford (or doesn't want too). This boy is obviously loved by both of his natural parents, and his step mom, and let's just assume his step dad too. Is this something the courts would even consider? Just a thought.

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[badblackpug]

We would absolutely love that!
Without the child support and the 50/50 crap we might be able to afford the tickets for him to go see his mom...it would all have to be worked out on paper but it sounds feasible to me.
We have talked about it a few times but the state that they live in (I dont want to disclose too much) is very much a "mothers right" state, so I would be very surprised if they would let us (or better, DH) get custody of him.

We have talked to our attorney about it briefly in the past but she said unless the mother is horribly neglectful or abusive or has some sort of drug problem, the chances are slim to none.

And yes, his stepfather is a very nice man, who cares for him a whole lot and DSS has nothing but good things to say about him

Honestly, no judge will remove a child from the custodial parent unless abuse or neglect is proven or if the child is old enough to make the decision that he/she wants to live with the other parent.

As for 1st families, going to court and requesting reduced child support based on reduced income is a possibility given that the reason the income has been reduced is no fault of the parent. In that they were down sized or laid off, or became disabled. Most judges won't reduce child support if the parent chose to reduce their income. Such as taking a lower paying job, or quitting a job. The judges reaction is usually, "you knew you had a child and you knew that your support was X amount of dollars, so you should have kept the job that covered your child support.

As for additional children, it is the same story. The judge will, again, tell you, "You already had a child, you knew you were responsible for X expenses as part of your child support agreement, you shouldn't have had more children if you can't afford that, and the additional children."

I have been there and done all that. We have also been the parents that pays all the bills regardless of the child support agreement (which for reference was that the mother was supposed to pay 50% of educational and medical expenses) and all the transportation. I think it is great that your husband gives her 50% Kids are expensive. I have 4, there are always extras popping up that no-one budgeted for. I wouldn't want my child to do without if I could manage the expense, so I commend you husband for making the extra effort. I always hated the "well you got your support, use that," line. Your husband could use this line, and legally be within his rights to do so, but think, morally, it is wrong, and would, in the long run, create way more resentment than already exists. Which will eventually filter down to his son. Believe me, his mother will say to him, "you can't play baseball because can't afford it because your dad won't help."

...but I do think the trip is over and beyond that. I think when you make plans to do big family things you need to include the whole family and your husband's son is a part of the family. You really need to stop thinking of "mine" and "yours," and counting what he gets, or where he goes with his mother, and comparing it to what your daughter gets. It may seem "fair" or "unfair" in your eyes, but you are not seeing it as a child, and you are not able to be objective because your instinct is to protect your own child. ...but having helped raise the child that was left out, believe me it is hurtful to the child to know that mom/dad does these things with the "new kid" but doesn't with him/her. I understand that you do things with him when you see him, but a WDW trip is a big thing. It is not a day trip to the zoo or circus. Again, try to put yourself in the same situation, if the situation was reversed, how would you feel if your husband took your son on a WDW trip and didn't even try to include your daughter (who was old enough to know what she missed) and then say "Well, if I didn't have to pay for your plane ticket, you might have been able to go." or "we can't afford to take you." I would think that this would make a child feel like a burden.