Blended family issue, advice needed

[Arabelle]

Way to go bbp! You make such well thought out posts! Mine are always short and in heiddt of doing 12 different things.

I should have added that I wouldn't take what the biological mom said about the step mom as gospel, either. People tend to only see their side of the story.

The problem is that there is a 50% chance the op will be the divorced one in the future. My second stepmom was livid when she heard what my mom was put through bu number one. She intentionally turned some of the stuff back on her. It was a hoot! Im a sad revengeful sort of way.

Primary should be the kids. What is more important than them?

There is a valid reason less emphasis is put on the custodial family and it came about by logic. If a kid grows 4 sizes in a year (my 14 year old grew 8 inches) the family he is with will clothe him regardless of whether the clothes allowance is gone or not. Same with feeding them. It is so easy to sit back and say I give this and he/she should make it last. It is another to live the life day in and day out.

You will be dealing with this woman forever if you stay married. Graduations, marriage, grand children, deaths all mean respecting what the other did right. Things like your husband stepping up and her being a good mom, which she is if he is a good kid.

Eta: if your income or rank has risen and it hasnt gone up before, I'd keep my mouth shut.

 

[AshleeH]

Stop discussing your finances with these people. Second, DH's family, DH deals with them. Just stop. You can only be the bad guy here. Half is perfectly acceptable. When these people call, tell them it is none of their business and if they are so concerned they can pay the other half. Yeah. I'm not really that nice but my money is mine to do with as I wish.

This. Exactly this.

You said his ex has other kids now - does she deprive them just because your DSS might be visiting you and he's not around to benefit from whatever they might do? Definitely let your DH deal with her, but your daughter should not be punished for having a normal childhood. DSS should not be put in the middle, and hopefully not even know about what is going on, but if he does, make sure he knows he's loved in spite of the friction the money may cause.

And your money is definitely yours to do with as you wish! And if I were in that situation, I would say that paying half is more than enough and I would have no problem taking her back to court if she wasn't holding up her end of the visitation. Especially since she gets a break on it some years with you both going west. In general I'm a very non confrontational person, but when I see others think they are entitled to money they did not work for and did not earn, it gets me very worked up and I would not have any qualms about calling her on it. But again, it needs to be your DH actually calling the shots in this situation.

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[Embel]

I'm sorry if you wrote this and I missed it, but who are the people who are giving you a hard time about things being fair? (Outside of your DSS's Mom or her husband) How do they know what you are doing? Are these relatives of your husband?

I think you should be able to take more generic vacations without your DSS because he is so far away from you. (A beach location, skiing, a lake, etc.) Disney World- well it's just different. It's known far & wide as the most magical place on earth, THE spot for a family vacation. It's hyped beyond any other vacation spot I can think of, and you just happen to be on the DIS boards, where it's biggest fans live.

If, as FL residents, DW was somewhere that you frequented, including when DSS is staying with you, then it would be more understandable. When you talk about it as a big deal, saved for trip, it's just sad to think of the child left out, and how they might feel about it.

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[badblackpug]

Honestly, no judge will remove a child from the custodial parent unless abuse or neglect is proven or if the child is old enough to make the decision that he/she wants to live with the other parent.

As for 1st families, going to court and requesting reduced child support based on reduced income is a possibility given that the reason the income has been reduced is no fault of the parent. In that they were down sized or laid off, or became disabled. Most judges won't reduce child support if the parent chose to reduce their income. Such as taking a lower paying job, or quitting a job. The judges reaction is usually, "you knew you had a child and you knew that your support was X amount of dollars, so you should have kept the job that covered your child support.

As for additional children, it is the same story. The judge will, again, tell you, "You already had a child, you knew you were responsible for X expenses as part of your child support agreement, you shouldn't have had more children if you can't afford that, and the additional children."

I have been there and done all that. We have also been the parents that pays all the bills regardless of the child support agreement (which for reference was that the mother was supposed to pay 50% of educational and medical expenses) and all the transportation. I think it is great that your husband gives her 50% Kids are expensive. I have 4, there are always extras popping up that no-one budgeted for. I wouldn't want my child to do without if I could manage the expense, so I commend you husband for making the extra effort. I always hated the "well you got your support, use that," line. Your husband could use this line, and legally be within his rights to do so, but think, morally, it is wrong, and would, in the long run, create way more resentment than already exists. Which will eventually filter down to his son. Believe me, his mother will say to him, "you can't play baseball because can't afford it because your dad won't help."

...but I do think the trip is over and beyond that. I think when you make plans to do big family things you need to include the whole family and your husband's son is a part of the family. You really need to stop thinking of "mine" and "yours," and counting what he gets, or where he goes with his mother, and comparing it to what your daughter gets. It may seem "fair" or "unfair" in your eyes, but you are not seeing it as a child, and you are not able to be objective because your instinct is to protect your own child. ...but having helped raise the child that was left out, believe me it is hurtful to the child to know that mom/dad does these things with the "new kid" but doesn't with him/her. I understand that you do things with him when you see him, but a WDW trip is a big thing. It is not a day trip to the zoo or circus. Again, try to put yourself in the same situation, if the situation was reversed, how would you feel if your husband took your son on a WDW trip and didn't even try to include your daughter (who was old enough to know what she missed) and then say "Well, if I didn't have to pay for your plane ticket, you might have been able to go." or "we can't afford to take you." I would think that this would make a child feel like a burden.

Bolding my own. This is just general info I threw out there for the people who are suggesting getting the child support order changed. It wasn't meant for your personal situation. ...and it actually works in your favor also, because she can't request you pay more based on the fact she has 3 more kids.

I have been through this. Bio mom who wanted more support because she quit her job, then wanted to pay less support (after we got custody) because she had another child. She didn't want to supply 1/2 of the transportation because she didn't have a car (she was told to get on the bus or train) In all honesty, sometimes you just have to suck it up and pay just to keep the peace.

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[Embel]

ETA: We are hoping to frequent DW a lot more, finances permitting, so DSS will come along some of the times also, but DD might end up being able to go more often, due to our location, our lack of time with DSS and the fact that off season is much more affordable and we dont have DSS during that time

I think that's perfectly reasonable, when it happens. Not everyone will agree, but I think it is.

For now, I don't think too many people will say that it is fine to take one child to Disney World and not the other, and the people who will say it probably aren't here on the Disney boards.

It sounds like you have just cause for frustration with finances between you and your DSS's mom. I'm sorry for that, and I hope it gets worked out for you.

I understand that your DSS gets to take vacations that your DD does not, and that it isn't fair. I'm sorry for that, too.

It's a tough situation, and there isn't any way to make it fair for everybody.

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[mickeyluvr004]

Ok now I am not a step parent but my cousin is in this situation also, he lives in florida (isnt that where u live?) and his daughter lives in a different state far away from florida, he also has 2 other children from another woman and they also live in florida now he is a disney fan and goes all the time with and without his other daughter she is now 13... She doesnt seem to have an issue that her father goes with his new wife and the other 2 kids.. now when she does visit he does take her to disney alone with just him. (as u can see he buys annual passes or whatever they are called)
In my opinion is as long as you can try to take him even once a year to disney then if you have the passes go more frequently and dont worry about the fact that hes not with you all the time. its not your or your daughters fault. sounds to me that you try very hard to give him everything he needs and more. I really think that if the ex is that way and you know it then id have her send you his school schedule and arrange to buy him round trip tickets early so that it can be cheaper for you and if you just can t do it then id suggest takin her back to court because she is half responsible and if she cant do it maybe the child would be better off living with dad instead since dad can provide better than mom wants to.. just sayin... good luck

 

[cheermom1]

Thanks for your input!
I have NO problem at all with DSS getting to take vacations with his grandparents or mom I just feel like same rules for everyone, ya know, so if DD ends up vacationing with us during the time we don't have DSS it should be ok too.

But you are 100% correct I picked the wrong crowd to throw a "im not taking one child to disney but taking the other" into

You are absolutely right that you should have the same rules and that your dd should be able to go on vacations with you too. Plus the amount of time that you spend with ss really isn't that much. So do they really expect for you to make your dd put her life on hold all year long just so that ss can experience the same things that your dd does even though they do not expect for ss to put his life on hold? Why only your dd and not ss?

Life will go on weather ss is with you or not you can only do your best to include him WHEN he is with you and that is all anyone can expect.

 

[jillyb]

You are absolutely right that you should have the same rules and that your dd should be able to go on vacations with you too. Plus the amount of time that you spend with ss really isn't that much. So do they really expect for you to make your dd put her life on hold all year long just so that ss can experience the same things that your dd does even though they do not expect for ss to put his life on hold? Why only your dd and not ss?

Life will go on weather ss is with you or not you can only do your best to include him WHEN he is with you and that is all anyone can expect.

My sentiments exactly!

OP: just curious...what's the age difference between you DSS and DD?

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[cheermom1]

My DSS is 13 and my DD just turned 1
So two completely different realms when it comes to figuring out what to do as a family. IMO with an age difference like this neither one of them will ALWAYS be able to join the other for a trip or an outing

I would do a compromise. I would suggest that IF ss wants to go to DW then he can wait til you guys have the money and time to take him and at his age he will understand. Just sit him down and explain to him that with his schedule and as little as you see him that if he wants to go to DW then he can wait til you get the money. AND the only reason that dd is going right now is b/c she is free due to her age and that you guys live close to the world.

Chances are he understands more then you think and may not even worry about dd going to dw without him especially if he knows that you are working on getting the money up for him.

I remember that I was almost 15 when my sister was born and honestly I didn't care if/when my mom took her other places without us. We (my brothers and I) had our OWN life we thought was more important.

My point is that at his age he may not have even given it a second thought.

All you can do is save and take him when you get that together but in the mean time I see nothing wrong with talking your dd as she lives with you and life doesn't stop just b/c someone is not there. As I said your ss does get to do things that your dd doesn't and the same rules should apply.

Everyone has choices and ss mom has a choice to take him to disney world/land which he has been too without your dd. Good luck

 

[hereyago]

First of all OP: thanks to your DH as well as you for the service that he does.

Second: let me address the extended family members that want to get into the mix and call you. Boundaries are a wonderful thing to establish,no matter who they are. The next time they call and want to discuss it, just tell them it has nothing to do with them and you are hanging up.

Third: No, you don't have to stop doing things for your DD to " even it out" or whatever. Don't let people make feel like that.

Fourth: Your DH still pays for CS when the DSS is there?yea, i would be revisiting that area.

Sounds like your DH has tried to help and accomodate the ex and she has run wild with it. He needs to tell her that from this point on they (including her) will be sticking to the agreement about her paying half for the plane trip-not your problem she had more kids.

When she calls about DSS needing something, do ya'll trust that the said amount is not the whole amount?

Good luck. The ex and extended family need to have boundaries set for them.

I also agree with Cheermom1 about discussing this with your DSS-well the trip aspect

 

[Reddy]

hmmm sounds like SS wanted to go skiing & not to DW - why is everyone thinking he wanted to go to DW?? from what OP said about the phone call they made before going & telling him (He commented on wanting to see pics of DD on rides then talked about skiing)

OP
good luck with all of this

 

[North of Mouse]

They follow first family first because you shouldn't have more if you can't support the first.

And choosing a Disney trip over paying to have your son would make a man pretty darn shallow.

It is so sad that so many people care so little about the feelings of a kid.

From seeing some of your "far out" posts and attacking the poor OP after all she is doing within her power you must be one bitter person or going through a very horrible experience of your own and taking it out on her

 

[squirrel]

Isn't there a legal way of taking the plane ticket (her half) out of the child suport?

I know it's not convient and will cost money, but wouldn't it be cheaper in the long run to go to court and get the custody order straightened out better?

I don't understand why your husband only gets 2 weeks in the summer when your DSS gets 2 months off. Shouldn't he get a month with you and his father?

 

[lovemygoofy]

OP, I just wanted to mention that as an army wife, you are entitled to some good child services while your husband is deployed. You can be getting 16 hours a month of free childcare and then 2.50/hour after if she is enrolled full time.

Are you near a military installation? Make sure you are getting the full deployment benefits. You can save lots of money while he is deployed to help pay for a entire FAMILY trip when your husband is home and your step son comes to visit.

I undestand wanting to take your daughter every where but wouldn't it be nice to do something as an entire family with your step son just to show him that he is part of your family and not just a two week a year extension. I think it would be a nice gesture to plan something for him when he is there to show you made an effort. It certainly isn't easy for a child that is being sent across the country a couple times a year and no doubt hears about the money problems whether it's intended or not.

Your challenge is a challenge all families face whether together or not. Families have to save to take their school age kids on vacation during peak time. They manage to do this with saving and time and you can do the same. There are some great military discounts to be found that help ease the cost.

I'm impressed that both you and your husband are involved in your step son's life. It isn't easy when across the country and some can't be involved when they are in the next county. I hope your deployment is over quickly and safely and you have great communication.