Blended family issue, advice needed

bbp, my first stemom was like that. My half sister's half sister never got to do anything unless my dad and second stepmom took her. But first stepmom wouldn't let him have them while we were there. We didn't start to get to know one another until a few years ago.
 
He was already living in florida when I met him, hes been in the military ever since his son was little and has been moved all over the country.

"Getting out" is easy to say. Its one of the most stable jobs that he can do and hes paid his dues for a very long time and plans to retire being in the army, so getting out isnt an option for him.

FWIW he was never previously married, he had a one night stand when he was very young and didnt even know that he had a son until DSS was 3 years old (DH was already in the military then and in order to be able to provide for his son he stayed in)

Wow!! Getting out can be done if one wants to...and could've happened when he learned of his son. My kids dad *my ex* was in the Air Guard and got out, and that wouldn't even take him out of our state, he just had had enough and now has an excellent *civillian/GS 11 or 12* job on the air force base here in UT. I can see now that living close isn't something that's important to him, one night stand *how did she remember him, have his information to find him??!! Wow wow wow!
 

All the more reason for him to be there for his son, and really for the woman who spent his entire life doing all the sleepless nights, illness, etc. That is a lot of work for a woman dealing with an accidental pregnancy, as well as a lot of expense.
 
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1. Step mom is in violation of the custody agreement if she is not paying her agreed upon expenses. Call a lawyer.

2. Do not post FB pics of your daughter or your vacations. If you want to share pics, send them through email-less drama.

3. I would not have another child. Your expenses are already spread thin from what I'm reading. Having another mouth to feed, clothe, and educate won't help.

4. My younger brother has an ex that sounds like you DSS' mom. He has given in a thousand times and she still keeps sticking it to him. Moral-stand tough and again, contact an attorney.

Hoping everything turns out great for you all.
 
I will say that, if the kid didn't know his dad at all until he was 3, then that makes the Disney trip without him even more sad-- I mean, not as an attack, but from his POV.

Like, I'm not taking sides, I don't know who's right or who's wrong, but I feel sad for the little boy.
 
Yes I know getting out can be done, DH does not want to get out. Thats what I meant to say. Believe me i'd love for him to have a civillian job, but he doesnt want that :(


As for how *she* found him, she didnt. She wasn't actively looking for him, or ever planning to. He found out he had a son through rumors and a lot of digging on his part to find HER (She had moved out of state)

Bummer to the 1st part and :scared1: to the 2nd - that's too bad. Perhaps she wasn't sure he was the dad, but still she could've informed him that it was a possibility.

In the end I'm sad for the boy.
 
thanks!

yes attorney and court are the next steps. Thats the only way we can get this sorted out
My comment about having another child was a big "IF"....Im not planning on it anytime soon, especially with our situation the way it is. It was more of a high pathetical approach to it


eeek now i really have to leave for work

To #1 ~ um she's the MOM

I believe the word you're looking for is hypothetical :) have a lovely day at work.
 
I'll throw my two cents in here. I'll start by saying that my parents were not divorced, my DH's parents were not divorced, we are not divorced and there are no other children except our own DD. So, that either makes me totally unqualified to comment or totally objective since I don't have any background.

First of all, your main issue seems to be that you are paying for your DSS to come see you when you were supposed to split things 50/50. Apparently, the ex refuses to pay her share as defined in the visitation agreement. I think that fighting this will prove to be a losing battle. You can't force her to pay unless you take her to court and taking her to court will put undue strain on your relationship with her and your DSS all over a couple thousand $$ in the next 4 years. I think the best you could do is see if she will drive to the cheaper airport as a compromise in return for you paying the full RT airfare.

The next issue is paying 50/50 for other things for your DSS. I would continue to do that as she asks. I would also send extra money for clothes. A 14-year old boy no longer wears clothes from Penny's, Sears or The Children's Place and teen wear can be very expensive. if you're worried about her spending the money on herself, send a gift card to his favorite store or send him home with new clothes when he visits.

Lastly, is the vacations. I agree with badblackpug (!). You married a man with a son and he is part of your family. Any big trip in the future should include him. It is immaterial how many trips he takes with his mom. I understand that when he can go is more expensive, but that just means that you need to plan a little better or wait a little longer to save up the extra money you would need to include everyone in the family.
 
Thank you also!
If DSS lived closer and we'd not have the huge expense of paying for all his flights it would be much much more feasible to take vacations with him.
We have mentioned this to ex also but she sticks to her story about not having the money for the plane tickets.

I'm really concerned as to what will happen if we decide to have a second child because then we certainly would not be able to afford covering every plane ticket every time :( does DH just not see SS if his mom won't cooperate?

To #1 ~ um she's the MOM

I believe the word you're looking for is hypothetical :) have a lovely day at work.

Oops, thanks for the correction. As I stated my younger brother and his wife are going through something similar. I guess my brain got muddled.:)
 
You need to go back to court and recalculate your husband's child support obligation. Pay her only what is ordered and use the extra money to pay for additional things when your stepson needs them. Also you could use the extra money to pay for the plane tickets and see your stepson more often.

Also don't feel bad about taking your daughter to Disney World without your stepson. He is old enough to realize the situation. You can't put your life on hold for him. He does things with his mom's family and with his dad's family. You don't need to talk to him about it to make him feel bad, but you don't need to wait for him to be available either. The amount of time he spends with you in the summer will probably decrease as he gets older. Teens seem to fill their lives with friends, sports and jobs. You can spend quality time doing things with him other than Disney World. Truthfully my 13 year old thinks Disney is for little kids and has no desire to go.
 
OTOH, all of my teen boys enjoy disney. You don't know what he enjoys. The fact that he will be more involved with his own life is all the more reason to make the connections now. He is the victim here. Not you, your child, your husband or his mom.

It is nice that his dad did right by him. Regardless of accidental or not, she had to do it all without his help. You have the benefit of him. Either you don't think he is of any help or it was a loss to both the girl and child. If the child is a a decent person, then she deserves a pat on the back and a huge amount of respect, frankly.
 
Thanks...yes thats what we usually do when she calls for money for DSSs baseball equipment or things like that we always offer to split it 50/50
But its also calls like "he needs new clothes", which DH always caves to, IMO clothes and thelike should be part of the child support she gets.

We are seriously considering taking it all back to court once DH gets home from deployment.
The only thing we are weary about that our lawyer caution is about is, if she can prove that she cannot afford to pay for half his tickets we might be ordered to pay for all of them plus then some. It doesnt sound like she cant afford it but I dont know how much proof the court actually needs furnished.

Last time when the last order was established all she filled out was a work sheet of expenses plus her additional expenses (having more than 2 additional children is considered hardship in their state therefor subject to increasing my DHs child support even though he has nothing to do with her other children). Nothing on this worksheet was ever followed up on, such as the riding lessons for DSS (that do not exist) or the car payment (her car is paid off)

Yeah he needs new clothes randomly isn't your problem, that's what child support is for.

As for the court thing - you need a better/more aggressive atty. If she's liable to do that, fill out the sheet with stuff you know to be untrue, then your atty should be filing counter motions, objecting, requiring her to prove it because you know it to not be true.

You tell them in advance she's done this before and you want them to do whatever is done in your state to force a forensic accounting - where a third party will look into both sets of financial claims or where both parties will have to prove their financial claims to the court.

Yes, you may, if she can prove she can't afford it, be forced to pay for the whole ticket (though it sounds unlikely she could). However, if that's the case, you can get other things added in - like that she must drive him to the larger airport, that a date must be agreed to X weeks in advance and there will be a penalty for changing it, etc.

It's like any contractual agreement, can be simple, can be complex, totally depends on how it's written and what the parties want in it.

I'd start preparing for this now. Write down every instance of extra money you send her or have sent her - like note the check number, date, reason, etc. She may claim this is proof that she needs more support; make her prove it based on her income. That she wastes money isn't the court's problem either, if she makes enough, she should have it.

Write down every instance of her refusing to pay for half the ticket, this is a violation of the agreement in place. Write down when you've paid for her (you never know, court could grant that $ back to you), etc.

Then get an experienced lawyer who will fight this out. It may cost a bit more for the lawyer at the time but will save you in the long run, especially if you're due the reduction in general support you suspect you are.
 

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