birthday dinner etiquette question

[Bob NC]

Seems some people fully expect to pay for their own meal when invited to restaurant birthday party and some think it's tacky. Around here it's the norm that each person pays for themselves. An invitation would go out stating the restaurant and time and say something like cake will be provided. everyone expects to pay for their own meal. I have both been to these, and given these, it's the norm. I would be shocked if the host offered to pay for everyone!

People in different economic circumstances also do things differently.

It's very easy for a person to proclaim that they took 90 people to Tavern on the Green and had a Fahhhhbulous time celebrating their spouses birthday while calling anything that anyone else does "tacky."

Many people with different income levels would never in a million years even assume that one of their friends is going to pick up the tab for 6 - 8 - or 10 people getting together at a restaurant to celebrate someone's birthday. They all pay their own way, this is just what's 'done.'

Are these the people that you, (general you), wish to call "tacky?"

I would guess that Emily Post would have a far harsher word than 'tacky' to describe people who would call others derogatory terms in this situation.

Etiquette schmetiquette.

 

[luvmy3]

Well that sounds very official. So, it must be true for everyone, everywhere, under all circumstances.

I guess no other opinions are allowed, then?

In the OP's circumstance it is true. She is specifically inviting people to a birthday dinner for her dh. She isn't discussing meeting up and going out to dinner with a bunch of people. In one case etiquette would say she pays, and in one it would say she doesn't.

 

[sam_gordon]

"I want to have a dinner for my husband's birthday..." isn't a simple get-together to celebrate it.

Why not? I'm not saying it's always a simple get together, but couldn't it be?

At the other locations named in the original post, the OP would reasonably be expected to provide (pay for) the entire dinner. Therefore she as the host would be expected to pay for the entire dinner if she decides to hold it in a restaurant.

And again, what denotes a "party"? Someone upthread said if there's a written invitation, then it's a "party". Does that extend to an email? Text? Is it only not a "party" when it's a verbal invitation? Is it a "party" because you're "celebrating" something?

 

[shoney]

Why not? I'm not saying it's always a simple get together, but couldn't it be?

And again, what denotes a "party"? Someone upthread said if there's a written invitation, then it's a "party". Does that extend to an email? Text? Is it only not a "party" when it's a verbal invitation? Is it a "party" because you're "celebrating" something?

Hmmm...I don't think there is a black and white answer to this. To me, a party is when you are celebrating something.

If one person calls, texts, facebooks, sends and invitation to join them for dinner at XXX restaurant in honor of XYZ, it is a "party". I would stop and get a card and a gift (or gift card usually) and go to dinner. In my circle, this would be paid for by the host.

If someone calls, text, etc... and says let's go to dinner . "Where do you want to go" "Is Friday good or would Saturday be better?" .... More of a mutual decision among friends and/or family, it is not a "party". I wouldn't get a gift and I would expect to split the bill. (no separate checks )

 

[sam_gordon]

Hmmm...I don't think there is a black and white answer to this. To me, a party is when you are celebrating something.

If one person calls, texts, facebooks, sends and invitation to join them for dinner at XXX restaurant in honor of XYZ, it is a "party". I would stop and get a card and a gift (or gift card usually) and go to dinner. In my circle, this would be paid for by the host.

If someone calls, text, etc... and says let's go to dinner . "Where do you want to go" "Is Friday good or would Saturday be better?" .... More of a mutual decision among friends and/or family, it is not a "party". I wouldn't get a gift and I would expect to split the bill. (no separate checks )

OK, let me throw this out...
Person A calls/text/emails Person B...

"DH's birthday is Saturday and we're going to Goobersmoochers. Do you want to come?" Is that a party or not? It can also be an email/text...
"DH's birthday is Saturday and we're going to Goobersmoochers. Come join us if you'd like." Party or not party?

Personally, I would expect to pay for my own meals under the above "invitations". Now, if I got an invitation through the mail "Come celebrate DH's 30th Birthday at Goobersmoochers", I'd assume they were getting some kind of "party room/area" and (at least basic) food & drink were provided.

 

[design_mom]

And again, what denotes a "party"? Someone upthread said if there's a written invitation, then it's a "party". Does that extend to an email? Text? Is it only not a "party" when it's a verbal invitation? Is it a "party" because you're "celebrating" something?

I already responded to this thread that I have been to both kinds and don't mind paying for myself as long as I know the expectations in advance.

To me, if the host is "throwing a party" (whether the invitations are issued verbally, via text/email, or with formal printed invitations) then the host is assuming the cost of the party unless otherwise explicitly specified. "I'm having a birthday dinner for Bill. Hope you can make it..." or "Join us at XYZ restaurant on Friday to celebrate Bill's birthday" sounds like a hosted party to me.

I have *no problem* getting together to celebrate someone's birthday and paying for myself. But that invitation would be more like "I'm taking Bill out for dinner for his birthday on Friday. If you're interested in joining us we'd love for you to come. If there are enough people interested in coming, I'll see if the restaurant will let us use the party room." In these pay-for-yourself situations, I would expect to be able to order off the menu (non-catered)...and pay for what I ordered and *maybe* a portion of the birthday person's dinner.

"DH's birthday is Saturday and we're going to Goobersmoochers. Do you want to come?"

Grey area/poorly worded invitation. I'd be wondering if I was expected to pay or if it was hosted. I would probably come prepared to pay for my own.

"DH's birthday is Saturday and we're going to Goobersmoochers. Come join us if you'd like."

Would expect to pay myself.

Now, if I got an invitation through the mail "Come celebrate DH's 30th Birthday at Goobersmoochers", I'd assume they were getting some kind of "party room/area" and (at least basic) food & drink were provided.

I'd assume this one was hosted, even with a less formal (text/email/verbal) invitation.

 

[luvmy3]

OK, let me throw this out...
Person A calls/text/emails Person B...

"DH's birthday is Saturday and we're going to Goobersmoochers. Do you want to come?" Is that a party or not? It can also be an email/text...
"DH's birthday is Saturday and we're going to Goobersmoochers. Come join us if you'd like." Party or not party?

Personally, I would expect to pay for my own meals under the above "invitations". Now, if I got an invitation through the mail "Come celebrate DH's 30th Birthday at Goobersmoochers", I'd assume they were getting some kind of "party room/area" and (at least basic) food & drink were provided.

I wouldn't consider that an invite to a party since you are asking them if they want to come. An invite would be you telling them you want them there. (Does that make sense?).

 

[shoney]

OK, let me throw this out...
Person A calls/text/emails Person B...

"DH's birthday is Saturday and we're going to Goobersmoochers. Do you want to come?" Is that a party or not? It can also be an email/text...
"DH's birthday is Saturday and we're going to Goobersmoochers. Come join us if you'd like." Party or not party?

Personally, I would expect to pay for my own meals under the above "invitations". Now, if I got an invitation through the mail "Come celebrate DH's 30th Birthday at Goobersmoochers", I'd assume they were getting some kind of "party room/area" and (at least basic) food & drink were provided.

Once I hear "b-day", I know I will be stopping for a present. So, yes, it is a party.

I've never gotten invites like the second example!

I guess I would have cash just in case. You never know!!!

I have gotten invites for "meeting for b-day drinks". In this case, people just usually take turns paying for the rounds.

 

[jrmasm]

Once I hear "b-day", I know I will be stopping for a present. So, yes, it is a party.

I've never gotten invites like the second example!

I guess I would have cash just in case. You never know!!!

I have gotten invites for "meeting for b-day drinks". In this case, people just usually take turns paying for the rounds.

In my world, if it is a gift giving occasion, the host/party thrower should cover the bill.

 

[dogluva]

Yeah, to me this is kind of what the OP was describing. She is not actually the host of a birthday party, just having friends meet at a restaurant for a birthday dinner.

But still, this is a great opportunity for Dissers to call the OP TACKY.

Name calling is all the rage in the Dis, and if you have to make assumptions and embelish the OP's post in order to name call, why not?

I think if you mark a phone call then they can decide to come or not and if they do, they pay there own way. However, if you are sending out invitations, then the people who come should not have to pay. Then it is a party and it is being hosted. I would be mad if I accepted an invite and then at the end of the party was told to fork over some money.

 

[dogluva]

It might be tacky, it might not.

That's the thing, it might be tacky to some and others wouldn't care. I wouldn't want to take the chance that others might be offended.

 

[dogluva]

The OP talked about hosting a birthday party for her husband at various places. To me, that is not the same thing as calling up a few friends and asking them if they want to join you for dinner and celebrate a birthday.

I think the OP would only be tacky if she didn't make the invitation clear that the guests would have to pay their own way. Although if I hosted a party, I would pay. One of my kids was invited to a birthday party at a skating rink once. I was shocked that when we got there we were expected to pay our own way.

This happened to my son once. If you can't afford to host a party, don't have one.

 

[MrsDuck]

I personally would not invite someone to a birthday party, restaurant or not, and expect them to pay for their food.

This happened to us once last year and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

We were invited to a birthday party for a friend and the invite said nothing about paying for our own food. We got to the party and it was in a private room. We were told once we arrived to order all of our food and drinks from the servers in the room because the host had to get us to hit a certain dollar amount to get the use of the room for free. Oooookay. What made me most peeved was that when it was time for dinner, we were given special menus with 4-5 options on them...all very expensive. We were told we had to order off THAT menu. We had been to this restaurant before and we typically order much lower cost entrees (like a burger). We left the party feeling not very happy about how it was handled, especially since we were not told we'd be limited to a certain menu and have to pay for food much more expensive than what we typically order.

If I was in your position, I'd do one of the following:

1) Just invite the #of people who can comfortably fit in your apt and throw your own party.

2) Invite the people to an inexpensive restaurant (maybe a pizza place) where you can afford to pay for everyone's food.

3) Have a small BBQ at a local park.

4) Tell the 10 people that you are taking your DH out for his birthday and XYZ restaurant and that you'd love for them to join you, but make it clear that everyone pays their own way.

Hope your DH has a great birthday!!!

This.. I'd find an alternative so the issue doesn't even come up. Love the park idea!

 

[nchulka]

This happened to my son once. If you can't afford to host a party, don't have one.

That's awfully harsh! I wanted to have celebration for my mom with all of her friends for her 60th birthday. She has been going through a rough time and I knew it would really cheer her up to see all of her friends from throughout her life come together to celebrate her. I invited friends from high school, old jobs, old neighborhoods, etc. People from all time periods of her life. She was so happy that night!! We had it at a restaurant and there were close to 30 people there. I was able to pay for my mom's dinner and mine, there is NO WAY I could ever pay for 30 people to eat at a restaurant!!! I worded to invitation to say cake was included and everyone understood that they were paying for their own meal. They didn't care, they were there to celebrate their old friend! I bought a cake, the guest ordered off the regular menu whatever they wanted. I did specify on the invitation that there were to be no gifts, the party and seeing all of her old friends was her gift. A few brought a gift anyway, most brought a card (no money). It was a wonderful night and great to see my mom so happy. I don't think that I should have skipped celebrating her 60th birthday in this way simply because I don't have the means to pay 1,000 dollars or more covering everyone's meal. Again as I have already said though in my circles these are common parties and it is expected to pay for your own meal.

ETA: This is only true of adult parties at restaurants. If I were to invite kids to a bowling party or skating party or such I would be paying for all the kids to participate and provide cake and drinks and pizza if it was during a meal time.

 

[Disney Doll]

If I invited people to my DH's birthday dinner, regardless of where it was being held I'd expect to pay for It.

 

[NoSoup4U]

If you want people to pay for their own meal at a restaurant, you need to indicate that beforehand. Perhaps it would be a nice gesture if you told them you'd provide the appetizers and dessert (the bday cake). That way if they only want to come for a drink, and not dinner, they can. And it wouldnt be so costly.

I like the park/BBQ idea. Maybe after the park/party you can all head out to a bar for more drinks!

 

[dogluva]

That's awfully harsh! I wanted to have celebration for my mom with all of her friends for her 60th birthday. She has been going through a rough time and I knew it would really cheer her up to see all of her friends from throughout her life come together to celebrate her. I invited friends from high school, old jobs, old neighborhoods, etc. People from all time periods of her life. She was so happy that night!! We had it at a restaurant and there were close to 30 people there. I was able to pay for my mom's dinner and mine, there is NO WAY I could ever pay for 30 people to eat at a restaurant!!! I worded to invitation to say cake was included and everyone understood that they were paying for their own meal. They didn't care, they were there to celebrate their old friend! I bought a cake, the guest ordered off the regular menu whatever they wanted. I did specify on the invitation that there were to be no gifts, the party and seeing all of her old friends was her gift. A few brought a gift anyway, most brought a card (no money). It was a wonderful night and great to see my mom so happy. I don't think that I should have skipped celebrating her 60th birthday in this way simply because I don't have the means to pay 1,000 dollars or more covering everyone's meal. Again as I have already said though in my circles these are common parties and it is expected to pay for your own meal.

ETA: This is only true of adult parties at restaurants. If I were to invite kids to a bowling party or skating party or such I would be paying for all the kids to participate and provide cake and drinks and pizza if it was during a meal time.

I meant a child's party not what you described. It was "harsh" of you to assume I meant an adult.

 

[happyleesh]

OP here. Cupcakes after church it is. I *never* expected this thread to blow up like this. For the record, it was to be a casual, no gifts, come if you can kind of thing with out group who regularly goes out and pays their own way, but it is his birthday ("party?") so that's why I was asking. I'm sorry if I came off as tacky, poor, uneducated, or whatever else my question was considered. Obviously there is no standard here and apparently what some people consider totally normal would greatly offend others. I'll go "plan the party I can afford" and thanks everyone, for your advice!

 

[luvmy3]

That's awfully harsh! I wanted to have celebration for my mom with all of her friends for her 60th birthday.
I don't think that I should have skipped celebrating her 60th birthday in this way simply because I don't have the means to pay 1,000 dollars or more covering everyone's meal. Again as I have already said though in my circles these are common parties and it is expected to pay for your own meal.

I disagree, you wanted a celebration for your mom that you couldn't afford. Yes people still came, but that doesn't change the fact that you planned an "event" that you wanted to plan, without the budget for it.
Pointing that out isn't harsh, it is what you did

 

[MIGrandma]

That's awfully harsh! I wanted to have celebration for my mom with all of her friends for her 60th birthday. She has been going through a rough time and I knew it would really cheer her up to see all of her friends from throughout her life come together to celebrate her. I invited friends from high school, old jobs, old neighborhoods, etc. People from all time periods of her life. She was so happy that night!! We had it at a restaurant and there were close to 30 people there. I was able to pay for my mom's dinner and mine, there is NO WAY I could ever pay for 30 people to eat at a restaurant!!! I worded to invitation to say cake was included and everyone understood that they were paying for their own meal. They didn't care, they were there to celebrate their old friend! I bought a cake, the guest ordered off the regular menu whatever they wanted. I did specify on the invitation that there were to be no gifts, the party and seeing all of her old friends was her gift. A few brought a gift anyway, most brought a card (no money). It was a wonderful night and great to see my mom so happy. I don't think that I should have skipped celebrating her 60th birthday in this way simply because I don't have the means to pay 1,000 dollars or more covering everyone's meal. Again as I have already said though in my circles these are common parties and it is expected to pay for your own meal.

ETA: This is only true of adult parties at restaurants. If I were to invite kids to a bowling party or skating party or such I would be paying for all the kids to participate and provide cake and drinks and pizza if it was during a meal time.

Totally agree with you nchulka. Many years ago my Mom wanted to have a retirement party for my Dad. Their house was too small to have it, so she chose a restaurant that had a private room. She provided the cake, and everyone else paid for their own meals. There was no way she could afford to pay for everyone. Everyone she invited came, because they wanted to share in his special day, because they were friends and relatives and they cared about him. If they didn't want to pay for their meals they wouldn't have come, simple as that.

For those of you that think it's "tacky" to host a party like the OP wants to have, and the guests are expected to pay for their own meal and you don't approve then simply don't go to the party. It's not wrong for someone to host this type of party.