Being in a wedding ?'s

[kidzmom3]

Hi Brides, I have a situation that I wanted to ask your opinion on.

My brother in law (husbands brother) proposed to his live in girlfriend (3 years) a great girl that I have come to love a lot. She is great with my kids and I am so happy for them. There is a big difference in our ages (36, 26).

They have asked all of us to be in the wedding (DH=groomsmen DS=groomsmen DD=jr bridesmaid DD=flower girl and Me=bridesmaid) I said yes right away for the kids, and my husband said yes for himself.

I told her that I had some reservations about being in the wedding myself. Not because I don't want to be there for her, but because:
a. the huge expense of all of us being in the wedding
b. my youngest dd has anxiety and may have problems the day of the wedding
c. I am VERY overweight (110 lbs) and everyone else in the wedding will be at least 10 years and 100 lbs lighter than me.
d. it is a fancy wedding and I am concerned about the cost of the shower with 3 of us girls in the wedding party
e. her friends are young and fun, I never party anymore and would feel akward at a bacherlorette party

Would you be offended if someone said no in these circumstances? I love her and don't want to hurt her. She did call me and said that she hoped I knew that she asked out of love and not obligation. I did tell her I loved her and was just concerned.
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[horseshowmom]

Hi Brides, I have a situation that I wanted to ask your opinion on.

My brother in law (husbands brother) proposed to his live in girlfriend (3 years) a great girl that I have come to love a lot. She is great with my kids and I am so happy for them. There is a big difference in our ages (36, 26).

They have asked all of us to be in the wedding (DH=groomsmen DS=groomsmen DD=jr bridesmaid DD=flower girl and Me=bridesmaid) I said yes right away for the kids, and my husband said yes for himself.

I told her that I had some reservations about being in the wedding myself. Not because I don't want to be there for her, but because:
a. the huge expense of all of us being in the wedding
b. my youngest dd has anxiety and may have problems the day of the wedding
c. I am VERY overweight (110 lbs) and everyone else in the wedding will be at least 10 years and 100 lbs lighter than me.
d. it is a fancy wedding and I am concerned about the cost of the shower with 3 of us girls in the wedding party
e. her friends are young and fun, I never party anymore and would feel akward at a bacherlorette party

Would you be offended if someone said no in these circumstances? I love her and don't want to hurt her. She did call me and said that she hoped I knew that she asked out of love and not obligation. I did tell her I loved her and was just concerned.
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Based on how you explained it to her, I certainly wouldn't be offended. In fact, I would understand completely (particularly when you start adding up all of the costs).

If she sounded like she understood, you're probably fine. Besides, you're probably right about having to be on hand to take care of the girls and your husband!

 

[Enchanted Tiki Bird]

I wouldn't worry about it either. While I think it might be fun for you to get all fancied up and be in a wedding party, in the end it's up to you. And if you don't feel comfortable, I can't imagine why she'd have a problem with it.

I asked my best friend to be a groomsman in our wedding and he said no for his own reasons. I wasn't hurt and of course he's still invited to the wedding.

 

[wendy46001]

I can understand being uncomfortable, but have to add another thought...you probably have to buy a dress anyway? so why not one she picks out....I'd let her know your concerns...(all those skinny 20somethings) and that you wouldn’t want the same dress...and if that is ok...why not....You don’t have to go to the bacherlorette party, i'm sure she would understand...(my SIL in wedding party w/kids didnt attend mine, for the same reason)

Also I did put my SIL whole family in the wedding, we knew the great cost for all of them…so we paid for the flower girls dress just to help them out

Talk to the bride…I’m sure she will be loving and understanding either way…

Also have to add...you'd get some wonderful family pics with you all dressed up

 

[Jennifer S]

It would make a great opportunity for a family portrait

I know where you are coming from. My sister who is ten years younger is getting married in July and we are all in it. My other sister is also worried about finances and is 100 pounds overweight. We all talked about it and it's the last wedding in our family and we didn't want to regret not being in it.

For the dresses we all are picking our own style but we will all have the same color. My sister is picking first so she will feel comfortable.

I think you start saving for it and say yes. You'll never regret saying yes. It will be so much fun.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I think that you should talk to her about it. Don't say no just yet. My best friend is gettign married in May. She has already asked 15 of her and her boyfriend's family and friends. Since I am her best friend I talked to her ahead of time. She knows that I love her dearly, but right now, financially we just can't do it. The dresses, shoes, hair, nails, shower, gifts, bachelorette party, etc. The list goes on and on and I just can't do it and she understood that. I want to be part of her day, but i want it to be something special. How special can it be to be one of 15 bridesmaids. I will instead be doiing a reading at the ceremony. Although i don't like public speaking I feel that this is more of an honor for me.
I am 34 and she is younger and so are her friends. They are all single with no children. I have been married for 13 years and way out of the party scene. I don't even want to imagine what the bachelorette party wil be like and actually i will be in WDW when that takes place. Thank goodness.
I definately think that you should talk to her first. I think your reasoning is definatley a viable one. I would hope that she would see it your way too. What if she offers to pay for your dress, etc? Would you change your mind? Just a little thought to think about in case she does. I hope that she takes it well.

 

[horseshowmom]

For the dresses we all are picking our own style but we will all have the same color.

I read somewhere else about someone doing this, and I really liked the idea. So many times I've been to weddings that the bride had picked out dresses that really didn't flatter the bridesmaids.

Not to hijack the thread, but have you had any trouble matching the color of the different styles?

 

[Chattyaholic]

I hope you don't end up regretting your decision if you choose not to participate in the wedding, especially since the rest of your family will be participating.

If I were you, I would talk to her and let her know of your concerns but I don't think I would say no.

As far as weighing more than the other girls, so what. People who like you and/or love you don't care about that, and those that do care aren't worth your concern.

As far as the bachelorette party goes, I would go. I'm not much of a party person either but my DD got married in 2000 and she WANTED me and her future mother-in-law to go along. We started out at Bennigan's for dinner and ended up at a couple different bars for drinks and dancing. I'm not much of a dancer (love slow dancing with my DH, but not so much fast dancing) but I had a ball getting out there with my DD and her friends. It's one of my best memories of her bachelorette party! I didn't drink anything alcoholic since I was a "designated driver" but I had fun anyway, even just watching the girls having fun. If I were you, I'd go and enjoy the party!

Like someone else said, with you and your whole family all dressed up to be in the wedding it would be a great opportunity for family pictures!

I hope you don't make a quick decision about saying no to being in the wedding. Think about it a lot first. Have you talked to your DH about it?

 

[Jennifer S]

I read somewhere else about someone doing this, and I really liked the idea. So many times I've been to weddings that the bride had picked out dresses that really didn't flatter the bridesmaids.

Not to hijack the thread, but have you had any trouble matching the color of the different styles?

We are actually going next saturday to pick them. They are all going to be the same designer (dresses by Jordan). So the colors are exactly the same. We just have to pick the style you want

 

[Muffin]

I read somewhere else about someone doing this, and I really liked the idea. So many times I've been to weddings that the bride had picked out dresses that really didn't flatter the bridesmaids.

Not to hijack the thread, but have you had any trouble matching the color of the different styles?

My cousin's wife did this. We all got together and picked out a fabric (dupioni silk). She had already decided on the color (green). Then we had our dresses made by whoever we chose.

It worked well and looked very nice.

 

[Enchanted Tiki Bird]

My cousin's wife did this. We all got together and picked out a fabric (dupioni silk). She had already decided on the color (green). Then we had our dresses made by whoever we chose.

It worked well and looked very nice.

This is exactly what I'm doing. I just have my maid of honor and one other bridesmaid so I think it will work out well. To the OP, maybe you could ask your future SIL to do this as well.

 

[Beth76]

I think it's a good idea for you to be available to look after the kids. I think it would be hard to do all the bridesmaids responsibilities and make sure the kids are doing thiers.

 

[lulugirl]

I would graciously decline if you really don't want to do it.
I detest being part of a wedding party. When I got married I didn't even have a wedding party, just my sister as the matron of honor and I told her "wear whatever you want".
It was stress free.

 

[froglady]

I read somewhere else about someone doing this, and I really liked the idea. So many times I've been to weddings that the bride had picked out dresses that really didn't flatter the bridesmaids.

Not to hijack the thread, but have you had any trouble matching the color of the different styles?

Most bridal shops have two piece gowns now, where the bridesmaids all wear a simple a-line or straight skirt with varying tops. That way, one can wear strapless, or halter, or tank, depending upon your physique.

It's much easier than trying to find one gown that will flatter eveyone. You end up with one that really doesn't flatter anyone.

 

[golfgal]

My SIL did the same material/different dress and it was lovely. She had a range of sizes from 6-26 so they were able to get a dress they liked and felt comfortable wearing.

If you really don't want to be in the wedding, offer your assistance as a personal attendant or to do a reading, etc. That way you are involved but still available for the kids since those of us with kids know you just never know how they are going to act that day .

 

[Linzybrooke]

Maybe you could offer to be an attendent in another way? That way you will still be involved and there for her but not have to be a Bridesmaid. Perhaps be the welcome party as people arrive or be in charge of the kids in the wedding party.

 

[SoonerKate]

What about being part of the house party instead of a bridesmaid?

 

[rascalmom]

I can understand your not wanting to do it because of costs and needing to assist your children. (one thought on that - I think it is still traditional for the bride/bride's family to pay for the flower girl's dress)

Members of the wedding party aren't obligated or expected to give a gift for every shower & event. The point of inviting them is because that is who the bride/groom are supposed to be closest to & they are wanted at the gathering - not to see how much "loot" you can get out of them. Surrounding the couple with love and support - and sharing their memories of this special time - that is what it is all about!

I'm in your shoes weight-wise. Please don't let that stop you from being in the wedding party if you would otherwise want to be. You and this girl are becoming a part of the same family - and weight/looks/age should not matter. If it bothered her, she wouldn't have asked you. Heavier girls can look lovely too - it sounds like you are lovely on the inside & that always shows through! Of course, I can totally relate & would probably be trying to diet like mad before the big day...

You don't have to go to the bachellorette party - but you could offer to be the designated driver if you don't feel like keeping up with the younger ladies.

I didn't ask my sister-in-law to be a part of my wedding party and I've come to regret it. The friends from those years have come & gone, but she is still part of my family. We still aren't close & I think part of it goes back to that. When my kids look at my wedding album, I wish they saw their aunt included in the wedding party pictures.

 

[aprilgail2]

Members of the wedding party aren't obligated or expected to give a gift for every shower & event. The point of inviting them is because that is who the bride/groom are supposed to be closest to & they are wanted at the gathering - not to see how much "loot" you can get out of them.

You don't have to go to the bachellorette party - but you could offer to be the designated driver if you don't feel like keeping up with the younger ladies.

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Well here you are not only expect to give a gift at the shower if you are in the wedding party, you and the rest of the bridesmaids split the cost of it at whatever restaurant/party room you hold the shower at so you are talking hundreds right there. The last dress I bought to be in the wedding was 300+ so that is a big hit too, add the shoes, accessories etc and it comes to a lot of money. The bridal party also splits the cost of the bachellorette party which usualy invlolves hiring a limo so no one has to drive...then the wedding gift...it is a BIG chunk of money and I don't feel bad at all about turning down an offer to be in one if I feel I don't have the funds to do it.

 

[Enchanted Tiki Bird]

What about being part of the house party instead of a bridesmaid?

What is the "house party"? I've never heard of this.