Because my 5 yr. old runs, climbs, jumps etc. - why does that make him a "hoodlum"?!?

[OceanAnnie]

I'm another one that doesn't like to rock the boat. But those danged boats always seem to get rocked one way or another --- with or without my help!

Funny thing is often times it seems no one minds about my little dingy. LOL.

Those comments your parents made were hurtful to you, your DS, and your family. It just wasn't necessary. Come on, a 5 year old outside enjoying the day is not something that needs a blow by blow critique and put downs. It sounds like there are a lot of issues tied to your parent's behavior that are underlying.

I have to remind myself (when my boat gets rocked) that you can't control other people. What they did was wrong on many levels. I'd talk to DS and the other kids about it. I'd help the kids to see how wrong they were in the things they said. They weren't loving or kind. Let them know it's ok to defend themselves in an appropriate manner. Maybe next time the kids can set the grandparents straight.

Maybe your DS that's 5 might think to say something like, "Gee, you guys make the meanest lady on our block look pretty good!" . LOL. Something like that would have a bigger impact than if you talked to your parents about it, IMO.

I'd be so mad! Then I'd have to insure if it happened again it would either be nipped in the bud or we'd leave on the spot.

I'd have to have a double chocolate milkshake over that one!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Now this will be a weird question...

Do you think she is insulting to try and get you not to come? Make it uncomfortable for your family.

Honestly...if she calls and invites you and you say you have other plans, would she be sad, happy, or not care?

Personally from your description I would maintain contact at a bare minimum.

 

[golfgal]

I see what you're saying. But there is so much more to this than what I can actually type.

My father actually made a comment to me today saying..."I don't know how you do it. All of your kids are so different". Well...thats just it. They are different. My mother kept looking at my 14 yr. old saying..."you never did these things when YOU were five". Well...thats why his name is Steven and Luke's name is Luke. They are different kids.

On the other hand...I find it incredibly irritating when my sister's kids whine and cry all day long. However I would never say anything and I love those kids like crazy...they are just different than mine.

I don't know...maybe I am taking this to personally. I just don't feel as though I need to stop him on a beautiful day from doing things that weren't interfering with anyone. If they weren't so darn controlling - and sat there and talked with me and my sisters & the rest of the family....they wouldn't have gotten so darned stressed out.

I guess the point I"m making is...they want me to raise my kids the way they want them raised....and I won't do that.

Sorry...I'm not going off on you - just more venting I guess. I really do see what you are saying.

I should add the we pretty much NEVER see my mom because of her comments about me, my DH, my kids, mainly things like "well, if it were MY son" or 'why do you wear your hair like that" or "why don't you move here instead of there" -this is the new one wanting us to move to her town which would mean an hour commute for my DH each way vs the 15 minute commute he will have. Every time I talk to her is is a sob story about something or other. Then I get to hear how wonderful my sisters are and how amazing their kids are while she tells me how horrible my kids are (but the funny thing is my older sister's kids are pretty much worthless as are their parents-constantly begging people for money, won't 'let" their kids go to college and my younger sister that can't even put gas in her own car ).

 

[JadenLayne]

I have a friend who gets on to her daughter for everything. Her daugter, Kate, can't run IN THE CHURCH GYM, she can't get hyper, she can't do anything without being gotten on to.

Thats just wrong. Let a child be a child which includes running wild like an Indian, climbing trees and fences and using all that energy.

If he had acted up in church then maybe say something to him but at your parents house after church???? Thats just being a normal kid!!!!

I have one on the way and she will be able to run and jump and climb to her hearts desire and as long as its the appropriate place I could care less what others think.

 

[lyeag]

Take a deep breath and then just realize some people don't enjoy active children or large numbers of children. They probably compliment your sister's kids because they are easier to deal with. They whine or cry, you can give them a cookie to shut them up. Your might be too "wild" for them because they don't enjoy interacting with kids. My aunt is like that. She isn't nervous around kids, but she prefers kids that are quiet and entertain themselves.

Luke sounds like a very normal healthy boy. Boys are supposed to climb trees, get dirty, play ball, catch bugs and be loud outside on a nice day. (some girls too) I would much rather have my son be like Luke than be inside watching tv "nicely" in his good clothes.

If he behaved at church and dinner, that is really all that should be expected from a boy his age.

Hugs to you Heather. Sometimes as much as we may love our families, we have to realize they are not the best influences to have around. Give Luke an extra hug from me.

 

[RitaZ.]

The thing that upsets me the most is....I'm so proud of my parents. I couldn't be more proud of my father and all that he has accomplished...he of all people should except Luke for all that he is. He's a very ambicious child who sets VERY high goals for himself...even at the young age of 5! I just wish they were as proud of me/Luke as I have been of them. I just can't figure that one out

I know you said that there is no point in talking to your parents about this. However, I would bring it up and would tell them exactly the words I've quoted above, your own words.

Yes, children must be taught to behave in social situations, but it's a work in progress. Some kids are more energetic than others, there is nothing wrong with that. There are many people out there that still believe that children should be seen and not heard. I don't like people like that. I find them uptight and unpleasant, I don't like to be around them. Calling your DS a hoodlum was totally unacceptable. Why is it ok for them to call him such a degrading name? Respect goes both ways.

It's no wonder that so many families don't get along. Many adult children find that the only way to have peace in their lives is to cut off or greatly reduce contact with their parents. It's a real shame and happens all too often, IMO.

If I was in your position, I couldn't and wouldn't let this one roll off my back. Good luck!

 

[TinkInPink]

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[Hannathy]

I don't know how old your parents are but I noticed that with my parents as they got older what they tolerated easily from my sisters son (10 yrs older) when he was little drove them nuts with mine. I learned to tolerate this and my kids did to. Was your son wild all day? Even at my age that gets old real quick. there is a big difference in a child actively playing and one acting crazy and out of control. Are they particular about their trees ? I know I have some plants my kids better not climb. For the sake of family peace could your son not have toned it down after a while. I don't believe he needed to sit quietly but if they were getting that upset I think you should have reined in him a bit. When we visit my BandSIL's house my kids know they don't have kids and have a very low tolerance for loud and active so they need to act accordingly. They shouldn't have said those things to his face But did you try to calm him down at all when they were getting that upset. Sometimes we have to give a lot more than we take from families.

 

[4nana]

((big hugs)) Heather,

I am so sorry your family get together ended less than pleasant. Family get togethers should be about making special memories to carry in our hearts forever.

IMO your parents were rude and inconsiderate to make embarrassing remarks to their grandson Luke and I can't blame you/him for being hurt. If there was a problem they should have spoken to you first rather than humiliate him. I would be totally insulted if my parents made rude comments to my child and would let them know exactally how I feel. We go out of way and work hard to protect our babies and sorry but there is no room for insults of this nature... no matter how much we love our parents.

Having 11 grandchildren, ages 1-18yo, (8 are grandsons ;-) and one on the way, I can vouch each one is very different and I have seen my fair share of action at holidays and family get togethers. I love each and every one of our grands and go out of my way to treat them fairly w/o comparing. Get togethers like today, with all the excitement of the little ones enjoying themselves, I feel it is only natural for children to blow off some steam and adults let a little over activeness slide....specially if outside with no harm is being done. Your parents obviously do not feel this way and sadly that will remain a problem for you and yours unless you can find a way to meet them half way. Best wishes on coming to some type of agreement.

BTW - Pls give your little soldier some XO's for me. Luke would get along great with my almost 5yo GSon Joshua. He is in his 3rd season of soccer and the fastest thing on 2 feet...LOL! We also have 4 acres of trees!! We have an open door policy and you are welcome anytime!!

 

[Aidensmom]

Definitely sounds like medication is needed.

Have Mom and Dad try prozac.

Not what you were thinking was it....

He sounds like a very normal little boy. At our family gathering today, my very energetic 4 year old son and 3 year old nephew were there. We spent most of the day outside, and the adults took turns flying kites, playing baseball, and just generally running around with them. Little boys that age have a lot of energy and there is NOTHING wrong with that.

I WOULD have let my parents know exactly how I felt, even if it has done nothing before. And if they didn't want me at their family gatherings because my normal child was too energetic for them, it would be their loss IMO.

I completely understand what you are talking about. My child CAN be still and quiet when appropriate (such as in church) but when outside, why should he not be allowed to act like a little boy?

 

[momof2inPA]

My six year old was up in a tree at Grandma's this weekend. That's just what boys are like.

My sisters and I all make some jokes to my one sis about her little boy, because he is very stubborn and a handful, sometimes, but we love him. At our next get together, I'll be careful to only compliment him. I wouldn't want to hurt my sis's feelings the way your parents have hurt yours. Maybe your parents are just being thoughtless, not intentionally hurtful, or maybe they were giving the other kids more attention, because they think Luke gets so much praise for his accomplishments. For example, if the other nephew couldn't climb the tree or run as fast as Luke, they may have felt sorry for him and tried to compensate.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I see both sides of this whole thing.

First, no matter WHAT your son was doing, those remarks to your son were entirely unacceptable and inappropriate!!!

Second, yes, it is entirely normal and wonderful for boys to be energetic and to run and play!!! However, I think it has to be 'respected' that the children are NOT at their own home, or at a park, etc.. They are at somebody elses home. Even at grandma-grandpa's, that respect has to apply.

Hey, I really love kids! So, please do not misread my comments here. But, I have a sister, with three kids, and the oldest one was completely wild!! (the others would completely follow along.) Even though it was wild in a 'good' way, like the OP's son, that excess wildness and energy was very very hard to deal with when the kids did not seem to realize that they were at somebody elses home, and that they should put the brakes on a little bit.

To the OP: You are right, it probably does no good to raise a big deal and to say anything. You have learned this through experience. As one poster said, you cannot control other people, only your reaction. I can tell you with all certainty, that if somebody was subjecting my little son to that kind of verbal abuse, I would simply get up, and leave. Yes, that simple, I would just simply get up and leave.

I would be kind enough to tell them that if they have a problem with my little five year old son, that they must always address it with ME. Just so they understand perfectly that they have a right to their feelings, but that they do not have a right to say those kinds of things to a child. And, then I would just simply leave.

 

[roseprincess]

to you, Heather.
I'm not sure what to tell you in this situation. I have problems with my own parents about my twins, tho my twins are special needs. My mom can be very controlling, she always was for many yrs, even when I was a child.
My parents don't understand my kids' quirks, etc. I get rude comments at times from my parents(in front of my kids) about why my ds acts this way or why dd does something. My kids act respectfully at my parents home when they are there. Sometimes our parents in general don't want to understand our kids energy, quirks, etc. It could be they don't want to take the energy and time to understand their own grandchildren or are embarrassed of their behavior. My mom doesn't like "mess" at her house. She has plastic coverings on her living room couch, living room chairs, and even her kitchen chairs! I'm not kidding! My mom gets ridiculous about her furniture, she was always like this . My kids don't make a mess at her house, either. They never did. Also, my mom gives me her "discipline" advice for me, that I should take my shoe off and go after them with my shoe and hit them with my shoe when they misbehave at my home. Yes, this is the disipline advice I get from my mom . The thing is, I NEVER asked for her discipline advice, she just likes to meddle in this type of thing, at least on the phone. My mom is very Italian and maybe this is how she was disciplined when she was a kid? .
Also, I, dh, and dkids are not allowed to "just come over" to my parents home. We have to be "invited" to their home, always was this way.

I do hope things can work out for your parents and family.


Rosemarie

 

[shortbun]

I am not trying to say that your son's behavior is wrong, I have two VERY active boys myself, what I was trying to say, poorly obviously, is that your family doesn't like how he is behaving, right or wrong, and if that is causing you not to be invited to family gatherings maybe it would be best if he could tone it down some while he is there. If you don't care about going to the family gatherings, then let him do as he pleases but if you want to go you may need to speak with him about not climbing the fence and trees for a few hours. His behavior is obviously ok for you but not everyone has the same tolerance level and therefore maybe he needs to tone it down for a couple hours IF you want to still go to the gatherings.

Sorry, but I think YOU are wrong. It's the grown ups who are smart and have experience that need to adapt. If children can not be themselves around family, when exactly is that going to happen? Grown ups who think THEY should be the center of attention and all behavior should be the way THEY want it to be have not been very observant in life. Children should be allowed to be children after church, outside on Easter. It IS a very fun holiday for them!

OP-I suggest you have family gatherings at your house. Then your kids can behave the way they choose and within your boundaries. Also, OLD and INTOLERANT folks can come and go as they please. It's what we do. Our very active, smart and sensitive child was being treated badly so we stopped going to family holidays elsewhere and started having them at our house. Remarks stopped, eventually everyone ended up at our house and holidays became a little more casual. I really think my mother was stressed at having holiday meals and celebrations at her age; she seems much calmer.
Personally, I love children who go until they drop into bed at night! Their joy of life is amazing and beautiful to watch. Lucky you!!

 

[smilie]

It sounds to me you just have a typical 5 year old boy. That's what we were doing when we were 5. I'm sure my Dh was doing a lot worse at that age! He's got the scars to prove it too. You have to let kids be kids. At that age they don't need to sit around in their Easter clothes all day, they should be playing. How often do they get together? Why not spend the time together playing and having a good time. As long as they're not destructive, what's wrong with it?

 

[Missamoncus]

Your son sounds like a very well behaved child- he was calm and respectful at church and at the table, he ( and your other kids ) asked to change out of thier Easter clothes so they could GO OUTSIDE and run and play. He sounds like a dream kid to me! If your folks have a rough time dealing with him, then that is thier problem! It doesn't sound like he was doing anything inappropriate and if a family gathering means that a 5 year old needs to
stay dressed-up and quiet all day long, then I would just start new traditions
and holiday events with my immediate family and friends that everyone , including the children could enjoy!

Melissa

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, but I think YOU are wrong. It's the grown ups who are smart and have experience that need to adapt. If children can not be themselves around family, when exactly is that going to happen?

I have to very respectfully disagree with this statement. To say that adults, in their own home, should have to adapt to children, expecially children who have so much energy, and a lack of self-control, is just plain wrong.

You are also making a lot of assumptions about the adults being 'self-centered'. It is just as equally self-centered to assume that it is okay for junior to run wild, make a lot of noise, climb all over everything, etc.. etc.. at somebody elses home. Family or not. There were a lot of other people there to be considered. And, you cannot assume that all of them are comfortable with 'wild thing' running around. Even if it is a 'good' wild.

Now, I never said to make him stay in his church clothes and sit in a corner. but, by the OP's own comments, her child is a very active adventurous one who runs and climbs with wild abandon.

And, let me repeat. No matter WHAT the child was doing, those comments were way out of line, completely unacceptable!

 

[Wishing on a star]

if a family gathering means that a 5 year old needs to
stay dressed-up and quiet all day long, then I would just start new traditions
and holiday events with my immediate family and friends that everyone , including the children could enjoy!

Melissa

ITA!!!!

 

[transparant]

To say that adults, in their own home, should have to adapt to children, expecially children who have so much energy, and a lack of self-control, is just plain wrong.

Just so you know...my son has excellent self control. If you think climbing tree's and adventure play is lack of self control...well, I don't even know what to say to that.

 

[cepmom]

I didn't read any of the other replies, but just wanted to say I know how you feel. My mother and her husband never really have anything positive to say with regards for my kids. I know they do love them, they are just so darn negative and it makes us uncomfortable to be there.

One day I stopped over with the kids to give my stepfather a b'day card and the first thing they say to DD16 is "you are so pale...why don't you go tanning or something?" Then they they go on to talk about my DD8 and how "she is chunky" right in front of her!!!

We skipped going over there yesterday and I know my Mom is angry about it, but I just had no desire to go over there and have them and my grandmother make me feel bad that my kids are acting like kids or have to hear critical, rude remarks. The worst thing is that my kids sense the way they feel and seem to act worse than usual around them