Because my 5 yr. old runs, climbs, jumps etc. - why does that make him a "hoodlum"?!?

[JerseyJanice]

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt, Transparant, truly. You have every right to be angry with your folks for calling your child a hoodlum that way.

That said, "wild" behavior is a subjective thing. Maybe climbing trees is fine by you, but it could have been frightening your parents. Maybe they were worried that he'd fall and break an arm or leg. As another poster mentioned, it's entirely possible that they were concerned about damage to their trees.

What's bothering me about the story is that it sounds like your parents were trying to let you know that your son's behavior was upsetting them, and you didn't do anything about it because you're used to him. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt him to not be climbing a tree or fence for a few hours, so I don't get why you didn't try to calm him down before things escalated to name calling.

If I were at somebody's house and they were complaining about my kid's behavior, I'd either redirect him or cut my visit short.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

If I were at somebody's house and they were complaining about my kid's behavior, I'd either redirect him or cut my visit short.

I think that's great advice.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt, Transparant, truly. You have every right to be angry with your folks for calling your child a hoodlum that way.

That said, "wild" behavior is a subjective thing. Maybe climbing trees is fine by you, but it could have been frightening your parents. Maybe they were worried that he'd fall and break an arm or leg. As another poster mentioned, it's entirely possible that they were concerned about damage to their trees.

What's bothering me about the story is that it sounds like your parents were trying to let you know that your son's behavior was upsetting them, and you didn't do anything about it because you're used to him. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt him to not be climbing a tree or fence for a few hours, so I don't get why you didn't try to calm him down before things escalated to name calling.

If I were at somebody's house and they were complaining about my kid's behavior, I'd either redirect him or cut my visit short.

Thanks, you said it well!!!!

 

[Missy1961]

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt, Transparant, truly. You have every right to be angry with your folks for calling your child a hoodlum that way.

That said, "wild" behavior is a subjective thing. Maybe climbing trees is fine by you, but it could have been frightening your parents. Maybe they were worried that he'd fall and break an arm or leg. As another poster mentioned, it's entirely possible that they were concerned about damage to their trees.

What's bothering me about the story is that it sounds like your parents were trying to let you know that your son's behavior was upsetting them, and you didn't do anything about it because you're used to him. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt him to not be climbing a tree or fence for a few hours, so I don't get why you didn't try to calm him down before things escalated to name calling.

If I were at somebody's house and they were complaining about my kid's behavior, I'd either redirect him or cut my visit short.

I agree with this post.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Just so you know...my son has excellent self control. If you think climbing tree's and adventure play is lack of self control...well, I don't even know what to say to that.

I think that this quote is key here....
I never said that climbing tees and aventure play is lack of self control.
I have stated that this is fine and good!!! (See my post #32)

However, there is a time and a place for everything.
To be honest, I would never let my kid run wild and climb on things (trees or otherwise) or be loud, etc.. while at anyone elses home. Not while there were others there who may be easily annoyed, concerned, etc. It is simple RESPECT.

Transparant, I am so sorry. I agree that you have good reason to be upset here. The remarks that you have mentioned are just deplorable!!!! As I said, I would not be able to see my DS subjected to comments like that, and my reaction would be to simply leave.

However, I think that a few of us just hope that you can see BOTH sides of this issue.

Otherwise, this difficult situation will continue.

 

[diznygirl]

I agree that adults have different levels of what kind of children they can tolerate. Too bad that means that they will never get to know the really interesting ones.

Luke sounds like a wonderful boy. I think you are better off with the limited contact with your parents.

 

[luv2nascar]

I kinda have the same issues with my mother. My parents have different standards than we do in our house. My parents haven't had kids in along time and do not take well to kids being kids. My children are on their best behavior in granma's house. Energy is reigned in to try and keep the peace. I don't care about running, climbing at home so much but not at grandma's. Same principle as a nice restaurant etc. Different behaviors for different locations. I think you are doing your kids a disservce if you don't teach them to respect their grandparent and behave a little more calmly in their presense.

 

[Megster]

I've been following the thread all day and I hope that no one takes offense to what about I'm to say.
I was always told that there is three sides to every story - yours, mine and the truth. I have a feeling that if we heard your families side of the story it would sound completely different.
I ABSOLUTELY agree that you have EVERY reason to be upset about the comments made in front of your son. However, if you know that is how they feel either don't go, or make sure your son behaves to THEIR standards or else there will always be problems. In my opinion I would probably not go and in enjoy a nice fun filled easter afternoon!

 

[doxdogy]

Hugs to you and Luke. I can't believe they think he is a hoodlum. I am not lucky enough to have any grandchildren. I can actually say in all honesty, if I had a grandson like Luke chances are I would be outside playing with him.

 

[transparant]

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt, Transparant, truly. You have every right to be angry with your folks for calling your child a hoodlum that way.

That said, "wild" behavior is a subjective thing. Maybe climbing trees is fine by you, but it could have been frightening your parents. Maybe they were worried that he'd fall and break an arm or leg. As another poster mentioned, it's entirely possible that they were concerned about damage to their trees.

What's bothering me about the story is that it sounds like your parents were trying to let you know that your son's behavior was upsetting them, and you didn't do anything about it because you're used to him. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt him to not be climbing a tree or fence for a few hours, so I don't get why you didn't try to calm him down before things escalated to name calling.

If I were at somebody's house and they were complaining about my kid's behavior, I'd either redirect him or cut my visit short.

Ok...first of all - they weren't frightened by him climbing the trees. For petes sake...my own father was the one who taught him how to climb those trees!

Second of all... of all - my parents are so materialistic that if I *redirected him* I'd be up the kids butt the entire visit. The kids aren't even allowed to sit on their furniture - they have to sit on the floor!

I know you don't get why I didn't try to calm him down - In my perspective, he wasn't out of control. Trust me though - had I known that mature adults would have resorted to name calling of thier own grandson...I would have cut my visit short...but I didn't see that one coming. I just found out today from my 10 yr. old daughter that when we were there yesterday - she was listening to her new Carrie Underwood CD with her earphones on....my father asked her a question and she didn't hear him. He than asked her if she had ADD!!!! He started calling her ADDY (for ADD) the rest of the day. She just told me this this morning and she was upset about it.

Look....I'm not saying this kid is perfect. He's not. But he's a good kid. He was a good kid yesterday. As a matter of fact...my both of my sisters called me today and wanted to know how *I* kept myself under control when they called him those names. Both of them said that they agreed - he wasn't misbehaving in any way shape or form.

I can also assure you that I am not one of those parents that don't disipline their child when it's neccessary - believe me I do! All it takes is "the look" and my kids are right back in line.

That said - I know in my heart that my son did nothing wrong, my husband knows he did nothing wrong, my sister's know he did nothing wrong. I really just posted this thread last night fresh when I got home from thier house. I really just needed to vent. I know when you post on a cummunity thread like this that I'm open to all sorts of advice whether wanted or not - but I really don't want to be critiqued on my so called lack of parenting or my son's behavior. I've raised 6 incredible, extremely well behaved kids, smart kids.

My parents (mostly my mother) are very judgemental. Like I've said before...my sisters kids are like mutes when they are at my parents house. In fact...my 4 year old nephew is actually scared of them, and my 7 year old niece calls their house a *museum* because nobody can touch ANYTHING. I know that is because my sisters are still so scared that they will judge them as a parent...that they scare their kids into being on their very best behavior when they are there. Thats just plain ridiculous in my opinion....but I guess other's disagree with me and thats fine. I actually feel bad for them...they aren't old - they are 56 & 55 yrs. old. They are missing out on some really fun stuff if you ask me.

 

[chobie]

Your son sounds like a normal kid to me. My parents are also very judgmental and also have delusions about what kind of parents they were. It's irritating, its hurtful and there is nothing you can do about it. You should not have to keep your kid from doing normal, healthy activity (and physical activity is healthy) to appease your parents. I know exactly how this feels, but as long as you know you are raising your kids right then just realize this is their problem and they are never going to change.

 

[pajamommy]

Your parents sound a lot like mine! I have definitely been there, really I can relate so well to this. Yesterday, I spent a couple of hours at my sister's house with the family, and then I went home in the late afternoon and had our own Easter dinner, egg hunt, etc. with my 2 kids and my DBF and his son. This seemed to be a good balance, the family and grandparents got to enjoy the kids for a good amount of time, but not long enough that it would start to wear on them or the kids.

 

[Wishing on a star]

That is right. They are never going to change. In fact, with age, my assumption would be that they would become worse.

If they are being this way, and it is detrimental to your child(ren) then your only answer is to just leave, or not plan on being there at all. And, I would do this in a heartbeat. My child is more important than the grandparents feelings. End of subject to me.


Transparant, nobody here is realy flaming or judging you. I think that every single one of us see your parents in the wrong here. Unfortunataly, this seems to be be your situation. Like the one poster said, there are three viewpoints to every story, and when you post comments like these below... It is bound to raise a few questions and a few eyebrows about how you see these issues.

Make a long story short...my son Luke is very energetic. I can promise you if you have a fence- he will climb it. If you have tree's - he will climb them. He's VERY adventuresome and will play with every ounce of energy and muscle that he has.

Well....just because he was doing all of this...

Just to be perfectly honest and objective here, many people would not be comfortable with this kind thing at their home. Your fence might be for climbing, but do not assume that mine is.

I am sorry that your parents seem to be this way.
My FIL was a bit like this. The first time he made derogatory comments and put my little son on the spot, my reaction was to leave as soon as possible, and then to tell my DH at the first possible moment, that I would NOT be returning and subjecting my son, or myself, to that kind of behavior. (he had treated me this way for years... my son, NO WAY)

If you want to try to have a semblance of a relationship with your parents, then that will be your right and your perogative. But, I would think long and hard before I would have anyone calling my child names and talking about jail-cells.

 

[JerseyJanice]

Transparant, I apologize if it sounded like I was criticized your parenting skills. I was just trying to see things from their perspective and maybe play devil's advocate.

I've read your posts for a long time and think you sound like a wonderfully loving mother.

Wishing is right--you can't change your folks. They are who they are, and if you want to have a relationship with them, you'll have to work it around whatever it is that's stopping them from being doting grandparents.

Maybe next time you see them, have it be at your house? They wouldn't have the tension of worrying about their fine home and possessions. Or if that's not convenient or feasible for whatever reason, maybe you could meet at a restaurant? Just a couple of thoughts.

You seem as though you turned out well, so they had to have had some tolerance for kids at one time in their lives.

 

[Snow Brite]

What a bummer. I have four kids with ADD/ADHD and I deal with this kind of thing all the time (not that your son does, but it is similar issues). I always say to myself at moments like this...that we will have the last laugh. Won't it be funny when your parents come to Luke's graduation from West Point, or Law School, or Medical School or Art School, or whatever amazing life he chooses, to turn to them and remind them of calling him a hoodlum when he was 5? Imagine how good THAT is going to feel!

I haven't read all the other posts and I know you didn't ask for advice, but I would encourage you to either cut your visits to your parents short and bookend those visits with trips to the park or have these types of family gatherings in your own home where you are in control and they can leave when they get cranky. Don't let the door hit you in butt on the way out...

 

[goofy's friends]

They are missing out on some really fun stuff if you ask me.

This needs to be the key to your reaction to them. You can't control what someone else does, like someone says, but you can control your boundaries and they seriously crossed them with their mean-spirited comments. So, what is the natural consequence for that? You can't trust them to love and respect your family unconditionally, so until you can trust that, you have to have a healthy separation with limited visits. I would tell them this and expect an apology to my children and really limit the length of visits until you are sure that your family isn't going to get hurt. They were VERY out of line and if you don't call them on it , it will just happen again and again--maybe even worse, because they know you aren't going to do anything about it.
Just my opinion---I am currently having to set boundaries in my family as well.

 

[crazee4mickey]

So sorry they said things like that to your little boy, if they have an issue they should have talked to you about it.
That said, I do agree with some who are saying about people's level of tolerance....I know that even with my own parents (whom I have a fantastic relationship with) when our 4 kids plus their cousin get going(and I mean just running around, the occasional shriek or just being slightly loud) it can be a little overbearing...especially when they are used to a perfectly quiet house most of the time!
Things they used to tolerate 10 years ago are not tolerated as much today.....it also depends on the day and the mood as well.......but I still don't think your parents needed to say anything to your little Luke!

 

[jimmalru80]

Luke sounds like an "All American, 100% boy". Nothing out of the ordinary. God Bless.

 

[transparant]

Thanks everyone For your kind words, your compassion, your advice, and for even playing devils advocate. My DH and I discussed this earlier this evening, and we think we're going to just spend some holidays or gatherings with his side of the family for a little while.

He's one of 8 and there are 23 grandchildren on his side. His mother is no longer living...but my father in law still loves to have each and every single one of us over. He love's the commotion and even joins in every so often. The kids are always more relaxed when we are there also.

Once a little time has passed and this blows over - we'll try again. I always have a HUGE Father's day party at my house and that will go on as planned - with both sides of the family there. That actually helps...my parents get to see my father in law and how laid back he is. I think it rubs off for a little while...than they are back to their old selves again.

But like I said...Thank you to ALL of you Oh and one more thing...I had a 2 hour dentist appt. today and Luke sat with the receptionists the whole time I was back there and he was good as gold! He even walked through the place with them and pointed out the spots on the carpet/floor that needed repair (Dh is in the floor installation business) and told them to call his dad . Not a day goes by that this little boy doesn't bring a smile to my face - I love every minute of him!

 

[disneymom3]

I have to say I am SO sick of society in general trying to make our little boys sit quietly and "behave" That is NOT what they are made for. Poor little Luke. I have to say I don't think I could have kept my mouth shut with anyone calling my child names. And if it were my parents they would not be seeing me or my child until they apologized for doing so. That is just so wrong. Even if they do think he is a brat (which it does not sound like he is) they have no right to make derogatory comments about him, especially ones that he can hear.

I am sorry you went through this and had such a tough holiday.