Beacuse I don't want kids, that's why! *pardon my rant..*

[Serena]

Funny, I think that talking and listening to people talk about their lives and plans is polite. That is the basis for most relationships. I can't imagine being offended by a basic question like that. Why bother? Don't you talk with the people you know about their lives, plans, dreams?

As far as families taking care of their own as they age, I wonder too, how those without children manage without taking advantage of other people's children. Not a reason to have them, but obviously a blessing in the situation.

People can tell when it is just nosiness or a heart to heart conversation with those that love and care about them. Topics such as children, hopes and dreams are personal. It is not up to casual conversation. If it is brought up, it should be brought up by the person.

If it were brought up by someone we felt comfortable talking about this to, we wouldn't be complaining about it. It's other people that don't realize they shouldn't be asking.

It's the stranger on the street, an uncle that you could count the words spoken between you two on both hands, a parent that won't take no for an answer, a friend that thinks everyone should do and think like her or him.

It's simple really. If the person hasn't already brought it up with you, then don't ask.

 

[Gammaresource]

Asking the wrong thing I can see, but accusing someone as having character flaws, or not being a real woman because they don't want children goes way beyond that, and is undeserving of any grace by those who they purposely offended. Maybe you should be asking the same of them that you are asking of the OP

ITA about dealing with issues, an in your face answer to shut them up would surely deal with their issues

I agree that this goes beyond polite conversation. I think I was addressing someone who said asking was rude.

 

[luvmy3]

I agree that this goes beyond polite conversation. I think I was addressing someone who said asking was rude.

I guess we are talking about 2 different things. I am referring to the OP and what she said in her post about how people treat her after she answers them about her choice not to have children. Sorry if it seemed I was jumping all over you

 

[LoraJ]

Well, what positive comes from being offended? Does it work? Dealing with the issue works. Why care what that random list of people think?

As I said earlier, everyone screws up, asks the wrong thing, brings up an uncomfortable subject sometime. Give others the grace you hope for when you screw up.

I give a nice greaceful answer and they continue to pry. I say I do not want to discuss it anymore and they continue to pry and make judgements. People need to learn to back off.

 

[merryweather20]

Well, what positive comes from being offended? Does it work? Dealing with the issue works. Why care what that random list of people think?

As I said earlier, everyone screws up, asks the wrong thing, brings up an uncomfortable subject sometime. Give others the grace you hope for when you screw up.

I'm very happy that you have been blessed in not having to deal with this. There is no way to keep it at a polite conversation level. If I tell them the reason they squirm and feel uncomfortable, if I don't then I'm being 'witchy'. Neither is a good situation, or as easy as you assume.

Why is the questioner allowed to "screw up", but I'm not allowed a natural human emotion?

I certainly talk to my best friend about such issues, because we're that close but in-laws and people in line at the grocery store should mind their own business.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

Some people are just rude.


People are always wondering why I'm not married and don't have any children at my age.

I simply tell them I haven't found the right man yet.

 

[bicker]

I don't think polite questions are excuses for rude answers. People who give smartmouth answers are usually self centered. It is possible to rise above rudeness, and just answer.

Two things: With regard to the "first" question, I agree with you. If asked politely, and the answer accepted graciously without follow-up (since the answer, in the cases we're talking about, invariably doesn't invite follow-up), then yup, a polite response (along the lines of what I posted earlier, "We haven't decided to have children") is appropriate.

However, note that that is not an answer to the question that was asked. The questioner does not deserve an answer to that question, and so should respectfully accept the answer given and let the issue drop. If the questioner does not, then that should be treated as any aggressive verbal confrontation is treated, regardless of the extent to which the questioner tries to couch their investive interrogation in trappings of concern.

 

[Evil Genius]

When I used to get this question and then the probing as to why no kids, I would start asking that person personal questions. Anything from how much do they make a year to how often do they make love in a week. Works like a charm everytime.

 

[onelilspark]

I couldn't ever imagine asking someone when they're having kids. Even close friends and family I don't ask. I have a cousin who's been married for almost 3 years now and I'm sure she gets it from all sides...not from me! Quite honestly, they'll have a child when they're ready (I know they want to!) or if they change their minds and want to wait, well, frankly that's not my business to butt-in.
A topic like that is not considered polite chit chat in my book...it's like asking someone who's overweight when her baby is due. You never know what landmine you're going to step on. If that couple is having problems conceiving, that might be something s/he doesn't want to talk about, and that's ok.

Ugh...it's like the "are you going to marry him?" question I get. For crying out loud, I'm 24 and we haven't even been dating for a year! Give. It. A. Rest.

What is it with people??

 

[Scurvy]

Personally, I don't think you should answer them. Or rather, I don't think you should give them your actual answer. With people you are not close to, I would just say "That's a very personal question", and then change the subject to something else. For those who you are closer to, maybe something like "Oh, I don't know. . . we're enjoying having time for just the two of us for right now." If they keep on asking after that, just change the subject every time. It is rude for them to continue asking such a personal question after it's clear that you don't want to discuss it. You are under no obligation to answer, so if you don't want to have to deal with all the questions and comments that follow when you say you don't want kids then just don't give them that answer.

 

[SundancePass]

Good for you for knowing that you do not want children! It's a tough decision and I applaud you for knowing what works for you.

It's a question because other people cannot believe that someone might NOT want children! Our whole society seems to revolve around kids. Yes, I have two of my own, one married for 4 years and another living with a SO for 8.
I never ask either when they will have kids. It's none of my business as their mother. We were married 8 years before I became pregnant and granted, that was in the late 70's but still!

If questioning continues...just ask how many times a week does he/she make love with a smile on your face. THat ought to do it.

Good luck!

 

[MsLeFever]

Here's a good comeback...

"Try to make a baby, try to make a baby - it is ALL we do!"

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

People can tell when it is just nosiness or a heart to heart conversation with those that love and care about them. Topics such as children, hopes and dreams are personal. It is not up to casual conversation. If it is brought up, it should be brought up by the person.

If it were brought up by someone we felt comfortable talking about this to, we wouldn't be complaining about it. It's other people that don't realize they shouldn't be asking.

It's the stranger on the street, an uncle that you could count the words spoken between you two on both hands, a parent that won't take no for an answer, a friend that thinks everyone should do and think like her or him.

It's simple really. If the person hasn't already brought it up with you, then don't ask.

When I used to get this question and then the probing as to why no kids, I would start asking that person personal questions. Anything from how much do they make a year to how often do they make love in a week. Works like a charm everytime.

Good one!

 

[2girlsmom]

Once, on an especially bad day, I came up with a great answer to that one. When a rather rude, touchy-feely woman at the mall asked me if they all had the same father, I actually said "I don't know, but I'm hoping we'll get on Maury soon to find out" (she'd already made a rude comment about teen parents and how I was too young to have "all those kids", and I kind of lost my temper just a little ). I wouldn't say something like that to a thoughless-but-well-meaning question, but that chick just rubbed me the wrong way, trying to touch DD(then 3mo) in her carrier and making so many assumptions about my family.

My mother had a woman like that while shopping with all 3 of us back in 1977, because none of us look alike (there is also a 4+ year age gap between my sister and my brother, sis and I are 18 months apart). She said "nope, one's the milk man's, one is the mail man's, and one is my husband's." The woman found her answer even more offensive than the fact that my mother had 3 children who didn't look the same, and stormed off. My sister and I have spent our lives joking about which of us was the mail man's and which was the milkman's child. LOL In adulthood, I get the same thing, though, cause my eldest is very dark haired and my youngest very fair. Umm, hello, I am blond, my husband is very dark brown haired. We both are "heinz 57" mix of nationalities, why would our children look the same?

I agree, OP, people are very rude, and having children is NOT something someone should do if they don't WANT to or are not ready to. I applaud you for knowing yourself and your feelings! If you really wanted to get them, you could always tell them that you DO have children, you just keep them locked in the closet...

 

[Planogirl]

Why are people so nosy? I don't understand it at all.

 

[disbridemimi]

Ember I am in the same boat, we are SO SICK OF THAT QUESTION and especially all of the follow up. People never take your answer as an "oh, ok" its always followed by a barrage of all the reasons why we are weird for not wanting kids. We are not even married yet! Which has led to a whole string of other rude questions about why its taking so long to have a wedding. lol.

 

[SydneyFalco]

Today the dreaded question came up: "When are you going to have kids?"

I've been married two years and this question pops up more and more often. It's rarely, "Are you going to have children?" Only "when." However, this is only a small thing and nothing to get upset over.

Then comes my answer, "I don't think we're going to."

This leads immediately to questions ranging freely from my reasons for not wanting them to my possible character flaws. These can include anything from how I must not be a "real" woman to how I'm selfish and self centered. Everyone from family, to co-workers, to near strangers feel free to comment.

GRRR!

I can forgive the question. It's really just making conversation. But the personal opinions on my life choices I can do without, thank you very much! No one wants to know why someone does want kids. No one questions their motivations or if they'll even be decent parents... And, for goodness sake, there are many other ways to positively contribute to the planet other then simply populating it!



Okay, I'm done now. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest without having to resort violence of some kind...

This sounds pesky. Chin up.

The wife and I got married four years ago with the understanding that I didn't want children. We expected to hear a lot of what you describe, but we were mostly spared. To be sure, my mother and her mother are visibly perplexed with our decision, but they've got grandkids from other sources so they don't harp on it.

My sisters, who both have kids, are likewise perplexed, but that's about the worst of it. (I suspect one sister is actually a little offended, or at least suspicious of us, but she doesn't speak out.) Every year or so at a family get together someone might ask, with a furrowed brow, "So why don't you wanna have kids?" Hardly withering.

Never got any flak from strangers. When I told a coworker or two, in the flow of a normal conversation, I never got any follow up questions. Maybe it's a "too nice Canadian" thing.

Whenever I hear of such behaviour, I always think of the Internet, actually. I think of the defensiveness that comes pouring out on message boards (like this one, like any other) from people who are very heavily invested, identity-wise, in one thing or another. A political position, a favourite fad, even a beloved series of films, for crying out loud. When the TOO invested hear someone say something harmless like, "it's just not for me", or "it's not necessarily true for everyone...", what they're really hearing is a criticism of THEM.

I remember when I was twenty years younger, feeling the same way about certain movies, certain music, and other super-trivial things that I thought "identified" me. So when it comes to a potential life-definer of greater social magnitude, like family or parenthood, I can understand and be patient. The need to have everyone accept your thoughts and feelings about everything eventually bleeds out of most person as they grow.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

This reminds me of something one of my co-workers said the other day: "No" is a sentence - you don't have to give an explanation. Love it!

Someone asks if you're planning on having kids or more kids? The answer can be a simple "no" and walk away.

OP - I'm glad you're feeling better about this today.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Today the dreaded question came up: "When are you going to have kids?"

I've been married two years and this question pops up more and more often. It's rarely, "Are you going to have children?" Only "when." However, this is only a small thing and nothing to get upset over.

Then comes my answer, "I don't think we're going to."

This leads immediately to questions ranging freely from my reasons for not wanting them to my possible character flaws. These can include anything from how I must not be a "real" woman to how I'm selfish and self centered. Everyone from family, to co-workers, to near strangers feel free to comment.

GRRR!

I can forgive the question. It's really just making conversation. But the personal opinions on my life choices I can do without, thank you very much! No one wants to know why someone does want kids. No one questions their motivations or if they'll even be decent parents... And, for goodness sake, there are many other ways to positively contribute to the planet other then simply populating it!



Okay, I'm done now. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest without having to resort violence of some kind...

People can be so rude sometimes.
I will admit that in my family and small circle of friends we might ask each other if they are planning on having kids but that is the extent of it. I have had friends who have chosen not to have any kids and I have told them that I applaud them on doing what is best for them and not what they think they should do. I think personally if you don't want kids then you shouldn't have any. It is not a requirement. Of course on the other end is the people who constantly ask us if we are done having kids. Now I don't really mind answering this question at all, but I cannot stand the comments when we tell them that yes, we would like more children. I have gotten the "You don't want to do that" and the "It is too expensive to raise all of those children. You simply cannot afford it these days" uh, you no idea what we can and can't afford but thanks! Then there is the "You are crazy!"
You get the picture. I know they really don't mean any harm but sometimes it is annoying because it is in front of our children. I just tell the naysayers that I love every second of my life and wouldn't have it any other way. I love being with my kids and we have so much fun. That usually makes them see things a bit differently.
Sometimes people who make different choices than you don't mean to be rude but they don't understand why you have made your choices. While it is none of their business I don't think that most people mean it in a rude way. I think they are genuinely curious. If say, my best friend or sister didn't want kids I would asked them why. Mainly because I would be curious. I would never judge them though if that was their choice. Everyone has to live the life that is best for them.
At any rate, I commend you for knowing what you want and not just doing what people expect you to do.

 

[koima]

The way I see it, the only way to escape any comment at all is to have 2 children, a boy and a girl exactly 2 years apart, preferably not too long after the wedding.

If you wait, you get "When are you having kids?"

Once you have a child you get "When are you having another one?"

If you DO have another one, and it is the same sex as the first one you get "Are you going to try for a _____?"

If you have one of each, and are pregnant with a third, you get "Was it an accident? You already have one of each"

You can't win, so don't even try. It is a fact of nature that people feel free to comment on other people's reproductive choices.

I can't tell you how many people assumed my youngest daughter was an accident because we already had one of each! People even asked me if she was an accident in FRONT OF HER!

This is so true! We have two kids, one of each, and I can't believe how many people have commented that we must be "done" and how relieved DH must be that we got our boy first. Ugh.

Having kids is a big job, one with an abundance of bodily fluids and little sleep, and certainly not one to undertake if you aren't sure you're up for it. I don't fault anyone for choosing to pass on this particular life experience! In fact, there are parents that I think would have been better off if they'd skipped procreating...