Back me up on this...

[Colleen27]

It may be helpful to frame that $5000 not as a dollar amount but as a percentage of your household income. I know my DH can get stuck on dollar amounts because he's not the primary shopper/bill payer and doesn't always have the most up-to-date mental price list, so sometimes he'll balk at a rather insignificant amount of money because it is over some arbitrary line in his mind that designates "a lot of money". I know for him, $5000 would sound like a lot because not too terribly many years ago it was a lot, but if I framed it as reducing our household income by 5% (or in the real-world scenario that led me to realize this reframing works, increasing it by about the same), it was enough of a perspective shift to have a productive conversation about "Is 5% of our our income really worth the additional headaches, time commitment/loss of flexibility, stress?"

 

[kymom99]

you might want to see if you can file paperwork with the car loan and mortgage company to be authorized to speak/act on his behalf. the same goes with utilities-when my mil took ill she couldn't take care of a bunch of stuff but her darn power of attorney wouldn't kick in unless she was deemed 'incapacitated' and doctor's are not fond of taking that step so we got stuck trying to pay utilities (she had gone paperless billing-never gave us her computer password), change stuff with her car insurance...none of whom dh was listed on so it was an awful mess.

I’m not on my husbands car loan. But I make all the payments on his behalf anyway. I created the online account and know the login

 

[barkley]

Some states do have survivorship spots on car titles as well.

a million times yes to doing this!!!! some states call it a 'transfer on death'. this was probably the worst issue we dealt with. mil had passed, with a will, but in california if a will isn't subject to probate you can't transfer a car until 40 days AFTER the date of death AND the car has to be insured at the time of transfer. guess what-dead people can't have car insurance and no one will issue an insurance policy for a car an alive person is not the legal owner of. stuck trying to keep mil's former insurance company from learning of her death and having to pay for storage for 40 days (b/c we couldn't bring it out of state to store at our place b/c after 30 days a car present here has to be licensed in OUR STATE which you have to have ownership of to do). it was awful and a totally unnecessary expense that could have been avoided with a transfer on death on her title.

pension balance

if you have a pension see if whomever administers it requires their own specific power of attorney form for someone to deal with it for you if needed-the public agency my dh retired from requires their own special form and pre-pandemic it was over a 6 month processing time once you submitted it to get formal approval for them to have it on file (lord knows how long now-their website says they are processing record numbers of retirements).


back to our regularly scheduled discussion of backing up the op on her absolutely well thought through and sound decision......................

 

[kymom99]

So

a million times yes to doing this!!!! some states call it a 'transfer on death'. this was probably the worst issue we dealt with. mil had passed, with a will, but in california if a will isn't subject to probate you can't transfer a car until 40 days AFTER the date of death AND the car has to be insured at the time of transfer. guess what-dead people can't have car insurance and no one will issue an insurance policy for a car an alive person is not the legal owner of. stuck trying to keep mil's former insurance company from learning of her death and having to pay for storage for 40 days (b/c we couldn't bring it out of state to store at our place b/c after 30 days a car present here has to be licensed in OUR STATE which you have to have ownership of to do). it was awful and a totally unnecessary expense that could have been avoided with a transfer on death on her title.

if you have a pension see if whomever administers it requires their own specific power of attorney form for someone to deal with it for you if needed-the public agency my dh retired from requires their own special form and pre-pandemic it was over a 6 month processing time once you submitted it to get formal approval for them to have it on file (lord knows how long now-their website says they are processing record numbers of retirements).


back to our regularly scheduled discussion of backing up the op on her absolutely well thought through and sound decision......................

Sounds like some states are way more strict about such things. The kid next door to us is driving a car with temporary plates that expired in February. And he leaves it parked in the street.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

a million times yes to doing this!!!! some states call it a 'transfer on death'. this was probably the worst issue we dealt with. mil had passed, with a will, but in california if a will isn't subject to probate you can't transfer a car until 40 days AFTER the date of death AND the car has to be insured at the time of transfer. guess what-dead people can't have car insurance and no one will issue an insurance policy for a car an alive person is not the legal owner of. stuck trying to keep mil's former insurance company from learning of her death and having to pay for storage for 40 days (b/c we couldn't bring it out of state to store at our place b/c after 30 days a car present here has to be licensed in OUR STATE which you have to have ownership of to do). it was awful and a totally unnecessary expense that could have been avoided with a transfer on death on her title.

if you have a pension see if whomever administers it requires their own specific power of attorney form for someone to deal with it for you if needed-the public agency my dh retired from requires their own special form and pre-pandemic it was over a 6 month processing time once you submitted it to get formal approval for them to have it on file (lord knows how long now-their website says they are processing record numbers of retirements).


back to our regularly scheduled discussion of backing up the op on her absolutely well thought through and sound decision......................

This was a problem for us, too. DS was supposed to get my mother’s car but we didn’t know ahead of time we should transfer the title to him I had so much on my plate then (and even the attorney and financial person we worked with didn’t mention it when we discussed the car). He’d been driving it for a while after she stopped driving. Then one day after she passed I was talking to the (different) estate attorney about it and he said stop driving it right now; that if there was an accident, her insurance company might not pay. So DS had to buy another car, and her car had to later be sold. I wish we knew, it would’ve been much cheaper and simpler for him to to keep that car.

 

[Minnesota!]

My husband had been in a toxic job for a long time - he worked there for 18 years, total, and it was toxic for 12+ of those years. Like, I considered a separation more than once because of how it changed him and his refusal to see it. It got worse the last 2 years and, this summer, a job opened where I work, that I knew he would be qualified for, but...significant pay cut.

I do the finances, so I KNEW we would be ok...just having to pinch some pennies (gone are the bi-monthly casino trips, for now), but he was SO stressed about it when he got the offer. He was able to negotiate a little more each year, but he still took a pretty drastic pay cut (way more than $5000). He is 9 weeks into his new role and he has not been this happy in years. He looks forward to work, he is a joy to be around again, and we are making the financial thing work. I miss the casino, but it is a short term miss for long-term happiness

Do it, and you will see that his happiness will come with your happiness. Fear sometimes comes out wrong...no matter how weird the fear might be, or how much someone tries to assuage it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Sounds like some states are way more strict about such things. The kid next door to us is driving a car with temporary plates that expired in February. And he leaves it parked in the street.

That's more about enforcement of the plates usually a a police matter on that although def. different states have different amount of days you have to get plates.

I can tell you that the other side of the state line where I live there's less police enforcement on the tags compared to my area but you'll still see stuff. Just yesterday saw a temp tag (which it's 60 days in my state, used to be 30 days years back) and the tag was about 2 weeks past the 60 days.

We know someone in FL who drove with expired tags for much longer than the kid next door to you until eventually getting into issues (the car was still registered just in another state).

But what the PP is talking about is car registration which is also connected (depending on the state) to insurance. For example in my state the insurance companies (the standard and reputable ones) transmit electronically to the state my insurance information. If that doesn't happen then I either have to go to the DMV to provide my insurance information to renew my car registration OR I can mail in my insurance information. With regards to death and policies that also depends on insurance companies and their procedures. For instance if in the case a spouse passes away there were situations in which we would not change anything mid-term but have it set to be on renewal due to increase on the policy often. Now if you were the only person insured on the policy the policy would not cancel (unless due to non-payment of premium) until the executor of the estate stuff came into play because the company required insured signatures to cancel policies (which on someone who has passed away does not happen). This is also the case when an insured has passed away due to an auto accident or home accident.

So it's sorta a few different topics being spoken about from the PP: DMV/car registration, insurance stuff, enforcement of tags (in your case).

 

[DLgal]

You do have to watch that stuff in case someone tries to steal your cc number.

This is true. I manage all our finances and have text alerts set up for any credit card charges where the physical card wasn't present. I simply ask my husband "was this you?" and he confirms it was (or it wasn'tas has happened a few times). But we don't discuss anything BEFORE he makes the purchases. He can buy whatever he wants. As can I.

 

[DLgal]

Interesting. I just didn't get added to his mortgage and car loan. Other than that I'm on everything. Same bank accounts and he's authorized user on my card. We share insurance if I'm missing something and making a mistake please let me know. I def don't want what you said to happen.

Get a durable power of attorney for all matters that will only take effect in the event of incapacitation. Any estate lawyer can draw one up for a nominal fee. It's worth having.

 

[SC Minnie]

a million times yes to doing this!!!! some states call it a 'transfer on death'. this was probably the worst issue we dealt with. mil had passed, with a will, but in california if a will isn't subject to probate you can't transfer a car until 40 days AFTER the date of death AND the car has to be insured at the time of transfer. guess what-dead people can't have car insurance and no one will issue an insurance policy for a car an alive person is not the legal owner of. stuck trying to keep mil's former insurance company from learning of her death and having to pay for storage for 40 days (b/c we couldn't bring it out of state to store at our place b/c after 30 days a car present here has to be licensed in OUR STATE which you have to have ownership of to do). it was awful and a totally unnecessary expense that could have been avoided with a transfer on death on her title.

if you have a pension see if whomever administers it requires their own specific power of attorney form for someone to deal with it for you if needed-the public agency my dh retired from requires their own special form and pre-pandemic it was over a 6 month processing time once you submitted it to get formal approval for them to have it on file (lord knows how long now-their website says they are processing record numbers of retirements).


back to our regularly scheduled discussion of backing up the op on her absolutely well thought through and sound decision......................

My father passed away last year and I was his executor. All I had to do was take the Personal Representative papers from the county Probate Court to do everything I needed to do to transfer his vehicles into my name. I paid the taxes on them the same day and got them covered under our insurance. The hardest part was the time at the DMV getting a a duplicate title (couldn't find the originals).

 

[Lilsia]

Because some people just like to know ahead of time.
I didn’t read anything more into that statement.

I don’t think it has anything to do with the length of their marriage.
It sounds like he didn’t care what she bought. He just wanted to know upfront about the new charges.

I understand where the person was coming from saying that they don't like surprise charges. That is why my husband and I ended up with the plan that we have, with the house account, and then each of us having a separate account. For the person doing the bills, all of a sudden having money gone can throw things off, especially if don't have much extra income. It was just too stressful to have to "monitor" the other adults' expenses. I think that some people feel like there is something "wrong" with their marriage if they have separate accounts. But it truly makes things so much easier.

 

[Lilsia]

Interesting. I just didn't get added to his mortgage and car loan. Other than that I'm on everything. Same bank accounts and he's authorized user on my card. We share insurance if I'm missing something and making a mistake please let me know. I def don't want what you said to happen.

For the house, it really does depend on the State. Some will automatically see it as marital property and some won't. The simplest thing would be for your husband to just add your name to the deed. The loans don't matter at all. My husband makes the majority income and he is the only name on our mortgage, but our actual house is in both of our names.

 

[DLgal]

I understand where the person was coming from saying that they don't like surprise charges. That is why my husband and I ended up with the plan that we have, with the house account, and then each of us having a separate account. For the person doing the bills, all of a sudden having money gone can throw things off, especially if don't have much extra income. It was just too stressful to have to "monitor" the other adults' expenses. I think that some people feel like there is something "wrong" with their marriage if they have separate accounts. But it truly makes things so much easier.

Just out of curiosity, do you make the exact same income? If not, how do you determine how much each person contributes to the "household account?" Does one person have way more discretionary income? I feel like that could lead to resentment.

We have always gone with the "what's mine is yours" philosophy to marriage finances. After all, marriage is a union. I haven't worked outside the home in 18 years, but I manage the finances and my husband is happy to be the financial provider and let me run the house, more or less. It's all "our" income.

 

[tvguy]

My husband and I figured out pretty early in our marriage that it was better to have different accounts. We have the household one, that all of the bills and general stuff is paid out of. I take care of that. And then we each have our own accounts and credit cards to manage as we see fit. It just works so much better because then we don't have the whole "I spent $12 on a shirt" situation. We each manage our discretionary income. Not that we are trying to hide anything, we still can see each other's accounts, it is just so much easier when our personal purchases don't co-mingle with the household account.

For us, having money in three places instead of one would be more of a hassle than it's worth. All goes in and out of one pot.

 

[tvguy]

I use our SWA CC a lot to earn points although I have my own CC as well. A $12 shirt isn't a surprise purchase and it would boil down to micromanaging and controlling if he told me to message him "went to Khol's bought some clothes" "ordered this on Amazon" "got these leggings at Costco". Like I said I was with you to a point. We don't need  that level of oversight on each other and majority of adults would chafe at what you describe for very understandable reasons.

I don't see this as being at the level high enough to be called oversight. We earned the money. We spend the money. And we talk about it.

 

[Lilsia]

Just out of curiosity, do you make the exact same income? If not, how do you determine how much each person contributes to the "household account?" Does one person have way more discretionary income? I feel like that could lead to resentment.

We have always gone with the "what's mine is yours" philosophy to marriage finances. After all, marriage is a union. I haven't worked outside the home in 18 years, but I manage the finances and my husband is happy to be the financial provider and let me run the house, more or less. It's all "our" income.

No, not even close. My husband puts in 99% of the household income what we need to keep things running and then keeps some spending money. I work part time, which I have done since we had kid so that they did not go to daycare, and I will buy groceries sometimes and the rest is my discretionary income. And it is not really a mentality of "yours and mine". It is more that mixing discretionary income in with the household money got too complicated. I did the bills and so I knew what how much we needed to pay the bills, but hubby didn't, so if he went and spent my electric bill money, that was an issue. Of course, this was in our early days but we figured out that keeping the household money completely separate was so much better. As far as who has "more" discretionary income, it is about the same with me probably coming out ahead depending on how many hours that I work. But my husband is really a simple man and doesn't spend much.

 

[Lilsia]

For us, having money in three places instead of one would be more of a hassle than it's worth. All goes in and out of one pot.

Until your ONE account gets hacked. I don't think that anyone recommends only having one account. And in essence, we do only have the one main account for our household. Then we each have our own account that has our discretionary income. Maybe it is because I am a woman and my mom always said to make sure that you have a bit of your own money just in case. But it works better for us to not have everyone dipping into the household pot, which makes things more complicated. But maybe you have a lot more money than we do to where you don't have to watch it as closely.

 

[barkley]

Just out of curiosity, do you make the exact same income? If not, how do you determine how much each person contributes to the "household account?" Does one person have way more discretionary income? I feel like that could lead to resentment.

i've always wondered how that works as well. i've also wondered if couples who do this only have individual credit cards-probably b/c i know of a couple who has this each has their own income/ bank account arrangement and i heard it got kind of dicey when one got very focused on becoming debt free and in the process found out that a few credit cards that were in both their names but exclusively used by the other spouse were maxed out in the mid 5 figures. apparently that spouse had not only been living beyond their individual means but the entire household's means for years-but b/c the cards were originally issued under both names it meant both of them were on the financial hook for it.

 

[DLgal]

No, not even close. My husband puts in 99% of the household income what we need to keep things running and then keeps some spending money. I work part time, which I have done since we had kid so that they did not go to daycare, and I will buy groceries sometimes and the rest is my discretionary income. And it is not really a mentality of "yours and mine". It is more that mixing discretionary income in with the household money got too complicated. I did the bills and so I knew what how much we needed to pay the bills, but hubby didn't, so if he went and spent my electric bill money, that was an issue. Of course, this was in our early days but we figured out that keeping the household money completely separate was so much better. As far as who has "more" discretionary income, it is about the same with me probably coming out ahead depending on how many hours that I work. But my husband is really a simple man and doesn't spend much.

Ok, so really your spouse is supporting the household and your income is mostly fun money.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I understand where the person was coming from saying that they don't like surprise charges. That is why my husband and I ended up with the plan that we have, with the house account, and then each of us having a separate account. For the person doing the bills, all of a sudden having money gone can throw things off, especially if don't have much extra income. It was just too stressful to have to "monitor" the other adults' expenses. I think that some people feel like there is something "wrong" with their marriage if they have separate accounts. But it truly makes things so much easier.

Plus, you can buy Christmas and birthday presents without giving away the surprise!