Back me up on this...

[china mom]

curious/confused (as a county retiree whose dh also worked for the county)-why is he so concerned about the health insurance? if he's w/the same county agency he should have the identical healthcare available to your household-and if you were to quit/retire he would enter into a open enrollment eligibility period. is it that he gets a financial kickback by virtue of you carrying the healthcare vs. him? we had this at one point-if one of us showed we had coverage that covered the other we could opt out on coverage in which case the uncovered was kicked back the county's contribution to coverage. if that is the case-your financial advisor needs to be aware of this b/c it could have financial/tax implications down the line when it's no longer a choice on quitting/retiring (and you/the advisor may want to research under whom it would be more beneficial to carry healthcare post retirement-depending on your classifications one of you could have a much lower retiree share of cost/available coverage).

DH works for an entirely different company. The Healthcare offered is more expensive and not as good as the County policy that I am on. When I said "both are county jobs", I was referring to my current position and the new one.

 

[sam_gordon]

curious/confused (as a county retiree whose dh also worked for the county)-why is he so concerned about the health insurance? if he's w/the same county agency he should have the identical healthcare available to your household-and if you were to quit/retire he would enter into a open enrollment eligibility period. is it that he gets a financial kickback by virtue of you carrying the healthcare vs. him? we had this at one point-if one of us showed we had coverage that covered the other we could opt out on coverage in which case the uncovered was kicked back the county's contribution to coverage. if that is the case-your financial advisor needs to be aware of this b/c it could have financial/tax implications down the line when it's no longer a choice on quitting/retiring (and you/the advisor may want to research under whom it would be more beneficial to carry healthcare post retirement-depending on your classifications one of you could have a much lower retiree share of cost/available coverage).

I think "both jobs" refers to the OP's jobs. The one they're leaving and the one they're going to.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Um, yeah, she doesn't need her husband's permission to make a job change. It's her choice to make, not his.

Permission is different than discussing pros and cons and what X means to the relationship (whether it's budget, lifestyle adjustments such as shift or location, etc or other things).

In a healthy enough relationship you really can't confuse this with asking for permission.

 

[barkley]

DH works for an entirely different company. The Healthcare offered is more expensive and not as good as the County policy that I am on. When I said "both are county jobs", I was referring to my current position and the new one.

ok-got it. yup, i had plenty of co-workers who came to work for the county after long careers in other fields strictly to get the healthcare benefits. i've often wondered in the years since i retired if my employer did themselves wrong with a policy change they made after i left. they chose to initiate a policy so that no one, no matter how many years/decades they worked for the county would receive retiree health benefits if their hire fell after a specific date. so many hired in purely to have that benefit in place so i imagine that applicant pool dried up (such great knowledgeable people to work with).

 

[china mom]

ok-got it. yup, i had plenty of co-workers who came to work for the county after long careers in other fields strictly to get the healthcare benefits. i've often wondered in the years since i retired if my employer did themselves wrong with a policy change they made after i left. they chose to initiate a policy so that no one, no matter how many years/decades they worked for the county would receive retiree health benefits if their hire fell after a specific date. so many hired in purely to have that benefit in place so i imagine that applicant pool dried up (such great knowledgeable people to work with).

Sadly, I am only working for current health benefits, not retirement health benefits or a second retirement at all. See, the municipality I retired from had the State pension system and I am collecting my state pension. The county I am with now is also with the state pensions system and there is a rule that you cannot retire from the state system twice.

Our county provides for 50% of health insurance premiums if you retire after 15 years and complete health benefits if you retire after 30. since I am not in the retirement system, I will not get any health benefits after separation no matter how long I stay. It would have been an awesome perk though.

 

[DLgal]

Some people need to see the numbers. Laying out a budget of what you're spending currently and showing 20k+ in excess cash annually might help him get on board with it.


Eh, marriage is a team sport. You don't make major changes to the budget without consulting with the other party. $5000 per year is a decent car payment and I don't know of any healthy relationship where someone would make that purchase without consulting their partner first.

Disclaimer: If we had a situation like OP, I would have been pushing her to change the job regardless of pay difference. We thankfully have that privilege financially though so it's easy to say 5k isn't worth it.

She didn't make a $5000 purchase. She took a pay cut because she was miserable and wanted a new job without all the same stressors. And they were not on a shoestring budget anyway. Her job is 100% voluntary employment. It's not that serious.

 

[DLgal]

Just depends on the dynamics of their marriage. But certainly in my marriage neither my wife or I make any decision involving more than about $100 without running by the other.

And that works for you. It would never work for us. We have mutual trust when it comes to finances and are comfortable enough to not need that level of scrutiny in our spending. Neither of us is going to singlehandedly put us in the poor house without the other being aware of it.

 

[tvguy]

And that works for you. It would never work for us. We have mutual trust when it comes to finances and are comfortable enough to not need that level of scrutiny in our spending. Neither of us is going to singlehandedly put us in the poor house without the other being aware of it.

I don't consider it scrutiny. It's communication.

 

[DLgal]

I don't consider it scrutiny. It's communication.

Okay. That seems like potentially a LOT of communication over something so specific. $100? Do you discuss every grocery shopping trip? Every clothing purchase? Every time you buy a gift? What is the outcome of the discussion? What if your wife doesn't agree with what you want to buy? Do you not buy it? What if you really want something and you can afford it? Do you and your wife have no autonomy in these matters? Do you have to agree on EVERY +$100 purchase? That, to me, seems like a bizarre level of control.

 

[Starport Seven-Five]

She didn't make a $5000 purchase. She took a pay cut because she was miserable and wanted a new job without all the same stressors. And they were not on a shoestring budget anyway. Her job is 100% voluntary employment. It's not that serious.

The impact to the household budget is the same as a large purchase. A reduction on income would just be reducing the money coming in vs having additional money going out.

I 100% think the job change was the right move. I was only saying that it would have been discussed in our household because it has a notable impact on the monthly budget. It's also a big life decision in general and I couldn't imagine making that call without talking it through with my spouse.

 

[DLgal]

The impact to the household budget is the same as a large purchase. A reduction on income would just be reducing the money coming in vs having additional money going out.

I 100% think the job change was the right move. I was only saying that it would have been discussed in our household because it has a notable impact on the monthly budget. It's also a big life decision in general and I couldn't imagine making that call without talking it through with my spouse.

Well, they did discuss it.

There is a difference between discussing things like this and one spouse getting angry or otherwise reacting with hostility when the topic is the other's physical and emotional well being.

At the end of the day, the money isn't what matters here.

 

[tvguy]

Okay. That seems like potentially a LOT of communication over something so specific. $100? Do you discuss every grocery shopping trip? Every clothing purchase? Every time you buy a gift? What is the outcome of the discussion? What if your wife doesn't agree with what you want to buy? Do you not buy it? What if you really want something and you can afford it? Do you and your wife have no autonomy in these matters? Do you have to agree on EVERY +$100 purchase? That, to me, seems like a bizarre level of control.

You make it seem like it takes effort. It doesn't . We are together 24/7 now that we are retired. So we are both at the grocery store and see what goes in the cart. We go with each other to do clothes shopping and value each other's opinions on how something looks. We've been married 40 years, we were pretty much of the same school of thought then, and WAY more so after 40 years. We don't make many purchases over $100 and I can't remember a disagreement over whether we should buy something or not. We decided it was time to remove our wood burning fireplace insert and put in a "fake" $2,700 electric fireplace insert. We talked about it, We shopped. We found a unit that we liked, we bought it. No need for autonomy there. My wife wants to buy our Granddaughters a playset for their new home. We talked about it, and we agreed on a price range, but their parents want to get their backyard landscaping done first, so that is on hold.
How did we end up like this?
For me, because it was because it is what my parents did.
For my wife, because it WASN'T what her parents did, and why they ended up divorced.
It's not bizarre, it's what people who are sharing a life do.

 

[DLgal]

You make it seem like it takes effort. It doesn't . We are together 24/7 now that we are retired. So we are both at the grocery store and see what goes in the cart. We go with each other to do clothes shopping and value each other's opinions on how something looks. We've been married 40 years, we were pretty much of the same school of thought then, and WAY more so after 40 years. We don't make many purchases over $100 and I can't remember a disagreement over whether we should buy something or not. We decided it was time to remove our wood burning fireplace insert and put in a "fake" $2,700 electric fireplace insert. We talked about it, We shopped. We found a unit that we liked, we bought it. No need for autonomy there. My wife wants to buy our Granddaughters a playset for their new home. We talked about it, and we agreed on a price range, but their parents want to get their backyard landscaping done first, so that is on hold.
How did we end up like this?
For me, because it was because it is what my parents did.
For my wife, because it WASN'T what her parents did, and why they ended up divorced.
It's not bizarre, it's what people who are sharing a life do.

The $2700 fireplace insert is definitely a discussion topic. Not in the same ballpark as a $100 purchase. Obviously you would discuss a major change to the home decor/features.

 

[tvguy]

The $2700 fireplace insert is definitely a discussion topic. Not in the same ballpark as a $100 purchase. Obviously you would discuss a major change to the home decor/features.

We tend to be careful shoppers also. My wife found the blouses she likes on sale online for $12 each with free shipping. She let me know she wanted to order them, and I didn't need to "approve" the purchase, but I was in the loop so that when that hit the credit card I knew what it was for.

 

[kymom99]

We tend to be careful shoppers also. My wife found the blouses she likes on sale online for $12 each with free shipping. She let me know she wanted to order them, and I didn't need to "approve" the purchase, but I was in the loop so that when that hit the credit card I knew what it was for.

You do have to watch that stuff in case someone tries to steal your cc number.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

We tend to be careful shoppers also. My wife found the blouses she likes on sale online for $12 each with free shipping. She let me know she wanted to order them, and I didn't need to "approve" the purchase, but I was in the loop so that when that hit the credit card I knew what it was for.

Now that I find a bit much. It's $12, that would drive me up the wall if my husband told me every time he purchased something so tiny and he would look at me like I was nuts if I did the same to him.

I've been with you on "every couple is different" and stuff up until a point though. Personally I find the above crossing over into the autonomy issue the PP brought up although admittedly I thought the same when the grocery talk came up because sure we've grocery shopped together but I can 100% tell you we've shopped on our own many times in the 15 years we've been together.

And this is different than talking to a vulnerable person who is susceptible to scams or risky shopping of which I did not get the impression your wife was either of those.

 

[Lilsia]

Some things are worth more than 5 Grand. I had to leave my old job, even if that meant us tightening our belt. It was either quite or do something like drive off into a ditch because it was so bad. My old boss was exactly like Amber Heard. The same personality that made everyone's life miserable. Nobody should have to put up with that.

 

[tvguy]

Now that I find a bit much. It's $12, that would drive me up the wall if my husband told me every time he purchased something so tiny and he would look at me like I was nuts if I did the same to him.

I've been with you on "every couple is different" and stuff up until a point though. Personally I find the above crossing over into the autonomy issue the PP brought up although admittedly I thought the same when the grocery talk came up because sure we've grocery shopped together but I can 100% tell you we've shopped on our own many times in the 15 years we've been together.

And this is different than talking to a vulnerable person who is susceptible to scams or risky shopping of which I did not get the impression your wife was either of those.

She is just telling me about the purchase before it hits the credit card really. Surprise charges drive ME nuts, not being told to expect them.

 

[Southernmiss]

How difficult is it to say 'Hey, there's a $30 Amazon charge here. Is that yours?'

'Yea, it is. I bought some shirts.'

'Ok. Great!'

End of story.

Especially since you're retired and always together.

Dh and I check with each other on big items. But not every grocery trip clothing purchase, or household repair need.

In fact, we each keep pocket $ so that we have freedom to buy an item now and then without checking in or getting permission.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Every couple and household is different about how they handle these things.

Some of us even have separate accounts. (Yours, mine and ours.)

Together over 40 yrs and it works for us. We don’t check in about most purchases.