Baby SHower - What to do?

[frndshpcptn]

I say DBF trumps friend in this situation. Obviously you've been together for at least a year and you skipped his birthday last year for this friend. It's DBF's turn this year.

Send your regrets and say you will be at the other shower. A real friend would understand. I also agree that you don't need to go to every shower and event for a friend. It's asking alot both timewise and moneywise.

I did the quick math and travel up for the night for the first shower will cost around $400 RT. Not awful...but I'm trying to conserve dollars right now and I'll be traveling up again once the baby's born...the second shower will cost about $75 RT.

But she's just important to me and I don't want to do the wrong thing here...

 

[anniemae]

I think you are okay skipping the shower for two reasons. One, you have not given a definate RSVP via the invitation. That is what she will base the head count on, not an informal phone conversation. So she will not have paid for your meal yet.

Second, you will attend the second shower.

 

[MagicalMawMaw]

I'd go to the second baby shower.

Once I started dating my now DH of 29 years he came first with me. If I'd missed his party last year there is no way except for an emerg. I'd miss it this year. And as she was the reason you missed last year...as a real friend she'll understand.

 

[spacemountainmom]

I did the quick math and travel up for the night for the first shower will cost around $400 RT. Not awful...but I'm trying to conserve dollars right now and I'll be traveling up again once the baby's born...the second shower will cost about $75 RT.

But she's just important to me and I don't want to do the wrong thing here...

I can't imagine your friend would hold it against you, especially if you attend the second shower. It's not like you're saying, "I'm ditching your shower for this guy I met 3 minutes ago, so sorry!" Tell her the truth that you didn't realize it was the same weekend as DBF's b-day and you really don't feel like you can disappoint him two years in a row and you can't wait to see her at the other shower.

 

[Cooky]

No - the invitations have not gone out yet. She told me the date about two weeks ago verbally and I didn't put two and two together and realize it was he same wekeend until she sent and email to me yesterday with the date and I saw it in writing. Then I realized it was the same weekend as the birthday plans.

OP,

Just be honest and tell your friend that you already have plans for that week-end.

You are under no obligation to go to every baby shower that is being given for her. One is sufficient.

Friendship is a two-way street. If she is truly your friend, your happiness should mean as much to her as yours for her.

It is your decision which event you want to attend. Your friend has the right to be disappointed but she should also be understanding and wish you well.

 

[Michelle67]

Baby showers are very important to a lot of people, but it's also important to balance and nurture your own relationship so that (maybe, assuming you're even interested) one of these days you can be expecting your own little bundle.

I think you're doing just fine to go to the one baby shower that is a reasonable distance for you to travel. You shouldn't feel guilty about not doubling up with her instead of doing the one event with your boyfriend.

 

[Michelle67]

I can't imagine your friend would hold it against you, especially if you attend the second shower. It's not like you're saying, "I'm ditching your shower for this guy I met 3 minutes ago, so sorry!" Tell her the truth that you didn't realize it was the same weekend as DBF's b-day and you really don't feel like you can disappoint him two years in a row and you can't wait to see her at the other shower.

Completely agree with this post.

Three-minutes-ago-man made me laugh. I swear I've known people like that.

 

[Mama Who]

Any friend who gets shirty with you over missing one of two baby showers, 4 hours away, at a cost of $400, held on your boyfriend's birthday which you missed to be with her last year would be a friend I'd reconsider having. I am sure your expectant mother will understand. Really, I had friends miss my shower for much smaller reasons and managed not to harbor any sort of resentment.

 

[spacemountainmom]

Any friend who gets shirty with you over missing one of two baby showers, 4 hours away, at a cost of $400, held on your boyfriend's birthday which you missed to be with her last year would be a friend I'd reconsider having. I am sure your expectant mother will understand. Really, I had friends miss my shower for much smaller reasons and managed not to harbor any sort of resentment.

Well.....you never know! Expectant mothers are a bit hormonal!

 

[Mama Who]

Well.....you never know! Expectant mothers are a bit hormonal!

Okay, excellent point. How about, "I'm sure if she gets shirty at you she'll regret it later when she's no longer demon possessed!"

 

[spacemountainmom]

My husband just referred to the whole experience as "pregnant brain"!

I had a very "hormonal" episode before I knew I was pregnant and my husband kept insisting I must be since I was so insane. The pregnancy went fine, but about a week after dd was born, I felt like I was on the "hormonal rollercoaster from He double hockey sticks" and it lasted a week or so. I think I stayed much more sane when I was pg with ds. Dh will disagree, but I felt more normal that time.

Thankfully, that is all in the past now!

I just realized that 12 years ago today, I was down to my last two days of ever being pg again!

 

[Oreo Cookie]

OP,

Just be honest and tell your friend that you already have plans for that week-end.

You are under no obligation to go to every baby shower that is being given for her. One is sufficient.

Friendship is a two-way street. If she is truly your friend, your happiness should mean as much to her as yours for her.

It is your decision which event you want to attend. Your friend has the right to be disappointed but she should also be understanding and wish you well.

ITA. Friendship is a two way street and you are planning to attend the second shower. She will probably totally undestand, just be honest.

You will be able to enjoy both events and have a great time!

 

[frndshpcptn]

Thanks everyone - I sent her a note explaining the way you all said - I sent it yesterday and no response. We almost never talk via phone (we both hate talking on the phone) - but speak by email at least several times a day everyday for the past 12 years. I haven't heard back in 24 hours. I just sent another note, but may pick up the phone later if I don't get a response.

I love her dearly and am so excited for her to have this baby - I'd hate for this to ruin everything.

Thabks again for all the feedback and replies...

 

[aprilgail2]

Even if I was going to the second shower happening a few weeks later? Should I feel badly not going to both?

Shoot - maybe I totally messed this up.

No way-you didn't mess up anything. If she is having 2 showers you shouldn't be going to both anyway! And honestly if a shower is 4 hours away there is no way in heck I am going that far just for a shower anyway- friend OR relative! Heck I don't even go that far for a wedding!

 

[SaraJayne]

The second shower is a definite. Just don't know the date of that one yet.

I would pass up the 4+ hour away shower and spend DBF's birthday with him ~ especially since you missed it last year.

And if you are going to the second shower, there is absolutely NO need to send a gift to the first shower.

 

[frndshpcptn]

Still no response from my friend...

I've confirmed this morning that my weekend away will be the weekend before - so perhaps I can smooth thing over and travel to the shower and just head back right after it ends to be here for dinner that Saturday night.

It's about a 4 hour trip - so if I leave by 2PM to head home, it should work. The shower starts at 11 am. I would take public transportation to her town and then rent a car there to get to and from the station.

Thanks again everyone for your input. I hope this all ends up working out.

 

[RachaelA]

Still no response from my friend...

I've confirmed this morning that my weekend away will be the weekend before - so perhaps I can smooth thing over and travel to the shower and just head back right after it ends to be here for dinner that Saturday night.

It's about a 4 hour trip - so if I leave by 2PM to head home, it should work. The shower starts at 11 am. I would take public transportation to her town and then rent a car there to get to and from the station.

Thanks again everyone for your input. I hope this all ends up working out.

Do you not understand though that its not reasonable for her to expect you to attend every single event for her especially if there are two of them? She is being unrealistic and you are giving in to her. she wants you to feel bad and give in. that's exactly what she's trying to get you to do by ignoring you.

You do realize that if you ever get married your husband is going to come first over your supposed best friend? If you don't stop this behavior now, its only going to get worse. Is she going to expect you to come to every single birthday party, soccer game, christmas party, etc?

 

[eeyoremum]

Still no response from my friend...

I've confirmed this morning that my weekend away will be the weekend before - so perhaps I can smooth thing over and travel to the shower and just head back right after it ends to be here for dinner that Saturday night.

It's about a 4 hour trip - so if I leave by 2PM to head home, it should work. The shower starts at 11 am. I would take public transportation to her town and then rent a car there to get to and from the station.

Thanks again everyone for your input. I hope this all ends up working out.

seems like a lot of work for a baby shower. If you friend is offended because you are otherwise engaged that day what type of friend is she really? Would she do the same for you?

Its only a baby shower. Yes babies are important but it not like you are going to be the only one attending or the only one who can't attend. Send a gift of go a different weekend.

 

[figment3258]

Just my two cents but if there are two showers then making one is fine best friends understand that you can't always be there. Some times plans just get crazy and life happens I would not worry about it.

 

[AKL_Megs]

FWIW, I just had my baby shower for my first baby. The FIRST person (aside from the grandmothers, of course) that I consulted about the chosen date was my best friend. It was THAT important to me that she be there, and I wanted to be sure she didn't have any plans that day and would be able to make it.

I had other friends who had graduation parties, weddings, and other plans that day and didn't make it. I didn't care souch because my best friend WAS there.

If your friend didn't make that kind of effort, I wouldn't feel bad for having other things to do in my life.