Baby SHower - What to do?

[Karalea]

Do not let your friend make you feel bad about your decision. I have never heard of inviting the same people to two showers.

In my circle, we may have 2 or sometimes even 3 but different people are usually invited. My sister just had a shower for my cousin's daugher. Her work friends had a separate shower for her and I hear the father's side of the family was throwing a party for her after the baby arrived. I only went to one and was only invited to one. The only one who I know will be at all 3 is the expectant mother and her mother (my cousin).

 

[sparklynails23]

If you are going away the weekend before to celebrate your boyfriend's birthday, I don't think you have to be there for dinner.

Is one shower her family and girlfriends and the other her in-laws? How are the showers divided? Sounds like she's going to be a diva about it, but how sure was she that you were coming before you told her you weren't?

 

[Tink888]

Missed boyfriend's birthday last year to be with me for wedding stuff.

I live 4 hours away.

Attending my 2nd shower.

Coming to spend time with me once the baby is born......

I'd be disappointed that you couldn't attend, can't lie, but I'd totally understand and I'd probably be telling you to have a fantastic weekend with that man of yours.

Especially since it sounds as if you've always been there for her.

 

[malibuconlee]

Didn't read all the replies. It's your best friend. Call and talk to her. No email, no texting, real live phone call. Work it out. I'd rather have my best friend visit after the baby is born than be there for the shower.

My best friend made a trip and helped me go buy all the stuff I still needed for the baby over my birthday weekend. It was great. Saw SATC in the movie, made a Target/baby store run, just visited. Then she came after the baby as well. LOVED IT!

 

[Poohforyou]

Any friend who gets shirty with you over missing one of two baby showers, 4 hours away, at a cost of $400, held on your boyfriend's birthday which you missed to be with her last year would be a friend I'd reconsider having. I am sure your expectant mother will understand. Really, I had friends miss my shower for much smaller reasons and managed not to harbor any sort of resentment.

MTE. Honestly OP I'd save my $$ and maybe plan to go up for a weekend after the baby is born to help your friend. That would mean so much more to me than your coming to a shower.

I think this friend has had enough "all about me" events already to last a life time. If she truely is a friend she'll understand your needing to put other first once in a while.

 

[kt_mom]

I think this is a tricky subject because no one really knows the ins and outs of this friendship.

I don't think anyone should let someone else guilt them into attending something like this. But maybe the friend is really hurt that she's not coming and hasn't responded yet because she doesn't want to let her disappointment show. Or any other number of reasons.

That being said, a first baby shower is a really big deal to some people. Even though there will be a second one, if this is the main one, so to speak, then the friend might be really hurt. I don't think the friend has a right to be mad but I can understand being hurt.

You will be going out of town the weekend before to celebrate DBF's birthday correct? Then having another celebration on his actual birthday that involves going to dinner. Could that dinner possibly be moved to the next night? Then you can celebrate everything and not miss your best friends shower. I would think your DBF might understand and accomodate this request since you are going out of town the weekend before.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I think this is a tricky subject because no one really knows the ins and outs of this friendship.

I don't think anyone should let someone else guilt them into attending something like this. But maybe the friend is really hurt that she's not coming and hasn't responded yet because she doesn't want to let her disappointment show. Or any other number of reasons.

That being said, a first baby shower is a really big deal to some people. Even though there will be a second one, if this is the main one, so to speak, then the friend might be really hurt. I don't think the friend has a right to be mad but I can understand being hurt.

You will be going out of town the weekend before to celebrate DBF's birthday correct? Then having another celebration on his actual birthday that involves going to dinner. Could that dinner possibly be moved to the next night? Then you can celebrate everything and not miss your best friends shower. I would think your DBF might understand and accomodate this request since you are going out of town the weekend before.

The dinner is on Saturday night - and 4 hours away from the baby shower (which is also Saturday). Sunday nights are hard - people don't typically liek to go out to a dinner then - especially our friends with kids who commute to work M-F.

But - that said - I can make sure the dinner is at maybe 8 PM, which would give me enough time to go to the shower a few states away and then get back in time for dinner. That way, I'm there for everyone and no one has hurt feelings.

 

[Pigeon]

If I was sure there would be two showers and I could make the other one, I'd just send regrets.

If there was only going to be the one shower, I'd send a gift, and do the birthday thing.

I don't think showers are a command performance and I wouldn't be hurt in the least if somebody couldn't make it.

 

[kt_mom]

The dinner is on Saturday night - and 4 hours away from the baby shower (which is also Saturday). Sunday nights are hard - people don't typically liek to go out to a dinner then - especially our friends with kids who commute to work M-F.

But - that said - I can make sure the dinner is at maybe 8 PM, which would give me enough time to go to the shower a few states away and then get back in time for dinner. That way, I'm there for everyone and no one has hurt feelings.

Only you know the ins and outs of your friendship and of your relationship with the DBF. And I guess it depends on what you really want to do, not what you feel obligated to do. If you feel obligated to be at your friends shower then I wouldn't go just for that reason. Its a celebration and personally I wouldn't want someone there that was only there becasue they felt they had to be. (not saying you feel this way because I don't know how you feel) On the same token, I would feel the same way if I was your DBF and you felt obligated to be at his birthday dinner.

So really it depends on what you really want to do. I would only do this trip with the intention of getting back in time for dinner if you really really want to be at the shower. Not becasue you feel you should be there. Chances are you will be tired and dreading the long trip home that you are having to rush to get to this dinner on time. Not only will you end up possibly tired/cranky/unhappy but it will be obvious to other people at the shower and I would imagine to your friend as well.

 

[LynnTH]

Maybe it's just me - but I would not travel 4 hours to attend a shower. I certainly would never expect anyone to do that for me either. That's a lot of time and expense for a few hours spent while you play games, eat lunch and the guest of honor opens some gifts. Just seems silly to me to expect that.

 

[sparklynails23]

Are you hoping that he will propose?

 

[RunningGirl]

I think it's unreasonable of her to expect you to spend $400 to go to a baby shower when you'll be attending another one. Really, I can't even imagine being invited to two showers for the same person!

DBF's boyfriend definitely trumps this. If the shower were closer I'd say do both, but I say skip the first shower and make a big deal about the second one.

 

[krcit]

I think that going to the second shower is fine. I really wouldn't want anyone jumping through hoops to get to my shower when they would be coming to a second one and visiting when the baby is born. Honestly, if your friend is going to be pissy about this then I think she needs to grow up a little. You sound like a sweet, caring friend but don't be guilted into spending a fortune and running around like a lunatic to appease your friend.

 

[Bob NC]

If it's your BF's 4th birthday, I say you should go to that.

 

[VAfamily1998]

It's not like this guy is just some new fling ... you've been with him for at least a year, if not more. I think a long-term boyfriend beats friend's baby ... especially a friend you don't see that often due to distance.

In my group of friends its spouse first. .

See, in my view, the fact that this is a DBF of more than one year, and not a DF (F for fiance) or DH (for husband) is significant. For me, if I'd been dating someone that long and he hadn't proposed yet, I'd take it as a sign that he wasn't serious about me...and if he wasn't serious about me, there is no way I'd miss a best friend's event in favor of his...

 

[Mama Who]

See, in my view, the fact that this is a DBF of more than one year, and not a DF (F for fiance) or DH (for husband) is significant. For me, if I'd been dating someone that long and he hadn't proposed yet, I'd take it as a sign that he wasn't serious about me...and if he wasn't serious about me, there is no way I'd miss a best friend's event in favor of his...

Seriously? I guess DH was just messing around the 4 1/2 years before he proposed. That we married 2 months after I finished college and he was 23 at the time must not have been factors...

Not everyone is in such a big rush to the altar.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

This is your best friend and this is her first baby. It is a huge deal. Birthday's can be celebrated anytime.Why can't you go away another weekend? (my daughter has a February birthday, but we celebrate it during the summer when she can have a pool party) It's not like he is 4, he will get over it. If your boyfriend truly loves you then he will understand.

Relationships come and go, best friends are there for the good times and the bad. This is your best friends greatest time of her life. How can you even think twice about it.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I connected with my BFF and just wanted to give an update. She is totally not mad and is very happy that I will be attending the second shower. Whew.

I should have known she would be understanding. She is an amazing friend and we have been best friends for so long... The thought of upsetting her just really freaked me out.

That said - she is completely supportive of this relationship I am in (I had been really hurt before in a previous relationship) and happy that things are goings well for me.

I should never have even thought she would think otherwise - I just got nervous b/c this is a big life change and i want our relationship to evolve as our lives do.

Thanks everyone for weighing in!

 

[RunningGirl]

I connected with my BFF and just wanted to give an update. She is totally not mad and is very happy that I will be attending the second shower. Whew.

I should have known she would be understanding. She is an amazing friend and we have been best friends for so long... The thought of upsetting her just really freaked me out.

That said - she is completely supportive of this relationship I am in (I had been really hurt before in a previous relationship) and happy that things are goings well for me.

I should never have even thought she would think otherwise - I just got nervous b/c this is a big life change and i want our relationship to evolve as our lives do.

Thanks everyone for weighing in!

That's a great friend! I'm glad you're both happy with the decision. Enjoy DBF's birthday and the shower!

 

[Oreo Cookie]

I connected with my BFF and just wanted to give an update. She is totally not mad and is very happy that I will be attending the second shower. Whew.

I should have known she would be understanding. She is an amazing friend and we have been best friends for so long... The thought of upsetting her just really freaked me out.

That said - she is completely supportive of this relationship I am in (I had been really hurt before in a previous relationship) and happy that things are goings well for me.

I should never have even thought she would think otherwise - I just got nervous b/c this is a big life change and i want our relationship to evolve as our lives do.

Thanks everyone for weighing in!

That's great news! I'm glad it all worked out.