Attention All Married Ladies out there I NEED your help and thoughts!!!

[Laura]

My husband has friends he does things with--not every week, but most weeks. They're mostly all married as well, some have kids. It doesn't bother me. Often when these guys all hang out, we wives get together too. I also go and do things with my husband alone.

 

[believe]

My DH and I work opposite shifts so we try to schedule some time for each other as well as time with friends, mostly Spring-Fall. DH likes to golf so every other Saturday he has the option of golfing with friends but tries to be home by 1pm so we can still have time. I get the alternating Saturdays to do something I like. It doesn't always work out, but we still feel we honor each other by giving this 'space'.

DH does occasionally go to a friends house to play cards, but this is once in a blue moon and I have no problem with him going. He has the girls during the day, when they aren't in school, then works in the evening...we all need a break.

I always have the option of going with him. He has no problem with this and neither do his friends, although I usually don't go.

 

[mickeyboat]

My DH never does this. It's not that I don't want him to, he just doesn't have that many friends other than our mutual friends, and he doesn't enjoy going out to bars.

He does occasionally go ATV'ing with friends (which usually includes his father ), which I encourage. He comes home in a great mood after he goes.

If my DH was gone all the time like yours, I would be upset.

Denae

 

[pixiemomma]

My husband does not go out without me. He does play poker when one of his friends is up here on assignment in DC (a few times a year) but I am more than welcome to go to that. (I don't because I have no one to talk to over there and don't like poker.) I think he had his fill of going out before we were married. He started living on his own at 16 and we met when he was 24. I'm not really into the girls night out thing either mostly because I do not drink, hate bars and share more interests with our male friends than our female ones. We mostly do things as a couple with other couples.

 

[luckywife]

My DH does this once in a while but not often at all. I don't have a problem with it when he does go out with some friends but if it was an all the time thing I think I would get really old.

I would guess that he maybe gets together with some friends once or twice a year.

 

[AnaheimGirl]

My dh occasionally goes out for poker nights, and golf days, but not very often. He gave up most of that when our first child was born. Most hobbies are done together as a family. On average, I probably go out with my friends more often than he does, but he's at work all day, so he wants to stay home and spend time with the kids. I'm at home with the kids all day, so I love to go out!

It all depends on you and how "alone" you feel. To me, once a week would be a heck of a lot, and we'd be having some serious discussions. But my dh works long hours, and my older dd often has weekend activities, so often we don't get as much family time as we'd like. But that's us, our schedule. YMMV.

 

[SC Minnie]

Personally I would consider the baseball, riding ATV, and things like that to be guys outings therefore trumping the 'night out' with the guys every week too. JMO

DH rarely goes out. When he does I have no problem with it but if it was several nights a week as well as working a lot of hours I would not be too happy. Especially if we had children.

 

[buddy&wooz]

Definitely sounds like the "guys night out" isn't really the problem, it's that plus all the other activities that keep you apart. Maybe you can plan one night a week for date night, and I don't mean you have to actually go out (although if you can it's probably a good idea!) but you both have to commit to that time for each other, even if you just hang out at home together. Even if that means he has to skip a Boys Night Out because the guys went to do something on YOUR date night.

 

[gris gris]

My DH goes out once a week and so do I. It works out great. I look forward to the night he's out so I can do things I like to do without feeling like I'm not being a part of the family. The night I go out gives DH an opportunity to get DD from daycare, take her out to eat and just be a great dad to her. She looks forward to those nights. And I'm sure he likes it when I'm not around for 1 night!

We understand we have different likes (I'm a sports nut, he's not). I'll go to a baseball game without him. He'll go to a fire dept (he's a volunteer) activity without me. We're both okay with that. But we also both look forward to the other 6 nights a week where we're together at home being homebodies.

It sounds like in your family there is just a lot going on. You have a very active DH and I doubt that will ever change, but I'm sure you can figure out a way to balance your needs and his.

One more thing - your quote here

Between owning 2 small businesses, going to the gym, playing baseball, riding his motorcycle, riding his ATV, and his guys night outs it is sometimes hard to see just exactly where I fit in.....

Would he be willing to inlcude you in one of these activities? Then it's something you can do together. My DH was a Nascar fan when I met him - I hated the sport. But I soon realized if I wasn't flexible about it, I'd lose him on Sundays. So I started watching, learned the rules, traveled to races with him, and now am just as much of a fan as he is.

 

[Castlebound]

With all of his other activities and a "guys' night out" once a week where is his family time? My DH leaves the house in the morning while the kids are just starting to wake up and he doesn't get home until about two hour before their bedtime. When you add baths and dinner there isn't a lot of family time in the evenings. There is no family time on evenings where the kids have practice or one or both of us have school related committee meetings. The weekends are our family time and we try to plan family activities for at least one day out of the weekend. DH will go to a baseball or football game a few times a year with friends or his boss. He likes to golf but the two of us usually go together or he takes our 8 year old DS. I go once a year on a weekend girls shopping trip. We are not real big on either of us going out drinking with friends. If we go out for drinks it is usually as a couple unless it is for something like a batchelor party. That is just the way we like doing things. If you are unhappy with how often he is gone then the two of you need to talk. My SIL has a similar problem but only complains to me not my BIL. He goes on business trips at least once a month for a week or more at a time. He goes out in the evening and has drinks and sometimes goes clubbing while he is gone. When he comes home he wants to go out with his friends and ride motorcycles and will spend most of the weekend out. My SIL has spent how ever long he was gone as a single parent with two kids under 4, and it doesn't really change when he gets home. I told her the same thing I'm telling you. Talk to him and tell him how you feel and give up some of the parenting to him. Too many woman feel like they have to do it all.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

DH goes out with his friends once in a while. Most of the time it's not a guys night out, but rather going to a ball game, golfing, or some outing like that. I don't mind at all. I go out with the girls shopping or meeting friends over at Disney. He doesn't mind that either. However, we do spend most of our time together (outside of work, heck even sometimes at work, we work at the same place and sometimes meet for lunch or he visits me in my office).

 

[chasbos]

I voted that he does not go out on Guys nights out - but I think I have a different definition of a guys night out!

My husband plays ball hockey, broomball, hockey and golfs - but so do I. So when we go to sporting events seperate, I do not count them as boys or girls nights out - they are games.

I always think of a guys or a girls night out as going to a bar or something like that - and neither one of us does nor would we. That is somewhere where we would go together.

 

[TammyAlphabet]

Seems like the real issue is that he is not making you feel important in his life. I know that feeling. Let him know how you feel and maybe together you can come up with a way to work around this.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Last week Dh worked the whole weekend, worked late every night this week, and then tonight when he gets home at 8:30 he springs it on me that he is going out with friends....

So, after barely seeing each other for a week, he gets home, that late at night, with no other advance notice, and tells you that he is going out with friends?????

If I am reading this correctly,
the issue isn't an occasional 'guys' time out.
The issue seems to be that you are being ignored and disrespected?

 

[Stitchfans]

we do everything as a family. the only thing I do without DH is shop with my DDs alone and once in a great while I will go out to lunch with a girlfriend. But no he spends most of his time with us or at work.

 

[disneymom3]

Well, while I would not have a problem with the guy's nights out, I would have a major problem with not knowing ahead of time. That is just rude and selfish. I would actually love for DH to go out with friend's more often than he does. About once a month he usually goes out to lunch with a group of friend's. Generally I don't know about that unless he happens to mention it, but he's at work anyway so I don't care. Any evening or weekend stuff that either of us does we clear with each other. His is more of a checking with me while mine is more of a telling him I have something planned because I am the "keeper of the calendar" I go out about twice a month with friends, but one of those is a planning meeting for our homeschool co-op so it doesn't totally count.

Once a week does seem like a lot, but I would have much more of a problem with how it is done than how often. Do you have kids? Do they have a hard time with their Daddy being gone so much?

 

[California Girl]

be carefull paying too much attention to advice here. i was in a similar situation and it cost me my marriage.
he seems like a very motivated guy who wants to provide for your family.
you said you were mildly miffed.
i would suggest you are not being ignored or disrespected as someone posted. perhaps he feel very secure in your relationship. my husband did and had no idea how i was feeling. he thought he was being a good husband, what was one night out. he wasn't doing anything improper. so i was the one who started looking elsewhere. if its attention you want, someone will always be there to give it to you.
i realize now how great he was. marriage it sacred. men have feelings, needs and desires too.
talk to him about how you feel. don't poll 60,000 of your closest friends.
i have followed so many of these threads and before long you will be told to dump his rear end because he a male pig.

 

[Puffy2]

All I've got to say is that if you don't have children, don't get pregnant until he decides that he is a stay- at- home- most- of -the- time -family- man- kind -of -guy. Just don't. Because it won't get any better and if you think that you feel left out and alone now, try adding a infant to that mix while he goes about his business. Personally, based on how much you indicate that he is "busy with work, hobbies, friends" instead of you - it sounds like he just hasn't grown up yet. Some men never do. Some men were never meant to be married to begin with.

 

[Castlebound]

be carefull paying too much attention to advice here. i was in a similar situation and it cost me my marriage.
he seems like a very motivated guy who wants to provide for your family.
you said you were mildly miffed.
i would suggest you are not being ignored or disrespected as someone posted. perhaps he feel very secure in your relationship. my husband did and had no idea how i was feeling. he thought he was being a good husband, what was one night out. he wasn't doing anything improper. so i was the one who started looking elsewhere. if its attention you want, someone will always be there to give it to you.
i realize now how great he was. marriage it sacred. men have feelings, needs and desires too.
talk to him about how you feel. don't poll 60,000 of your closest friends.
i have followed so many of these threads and before long you will be told to dump his rear end because he a male pig.

I agree that people can go overboard on their advise. I posted al ong post on how often my DH goes out and how it works for our family. I also posted about how the boys' time was not working for my SIL & BIL. In the end my advise is talk to him. If he doesn't know that there is a problem, then you are not giving him a chance to work with you on that problem. My SIL never says anything to my BIL but used to complain to me a ton. I finally got to the point where I would ask her if she talked to him about it. If she said no then I would tell her that she could talk to me about it all she wanted AFTER she talked to him. I was trying to be mean but talking to me wasn't going to fix her problem.

 

[budbeerlady]

We are both your age and Dh spends a lot of time doing his manly things and then Friday night is his boys night out. (Basically playing cards or drinking in someones garage as they arent organized enought to actually go anywhere!) Saturday night is my night out, that way someone is home with DD. But I have gotten lax about calling friends and making plans, it never seems to work out with our kids and schedules.

So every so often he thinks he should have a guys night out on Sat also, and I get mad once in a while and retailiate very maturely by not doing his laundry or pretty much anything defined as house work. Is it stupid? Oh Yeah, do I feel better? For the week untill I have to catch it all up the next week. It is a pain when all Dh's friends are single and have nothing better to do with life than hang out and drink beer and work on their toys. I dont mind them hanging around but wish they had some nice girlfriends I could talk to.

Things could easier be solved by talking and saying "We need Monday and Thursday night to be our night for making a dinner and hanging out at home. And then stick to it." Dh makes a point to be home by 6 that night and we cook dinner together. Sunday is our day together as a family, after church we take DD to the beach or for a bike ride. Generally the day is spend being lazy and then going to bed on time. So make yourselves days that are just for you, and stick with them! If the guys show up at our house Sunday morning I ask them nicely if they are going to church with us, they usually leave shortly after that.