At What Age....

[CamColt]

Would you take your kids to their grandparents wake or memorial service?

 

[catsrule]

Any age.

 

[worm761]

i think it depends on the child. i was 11 yrs old and very innocent the first time i went to one. i was tramatized. still wont go to them. the next one i attend will be my own. if i was willing to go to one though i would take my 6 yr old DS. he is very mature and would handle it well. my mother didnt explain things very well to me.

 

[snoopy]

Hi CamColt,

I just struggled with this recently when my grandmother passed away. She was my kids' great grandmother, but even so, they were very close to her. I worried more about my 7-year old than my 3-year old, because I thought he would understand the finality of death more. In the end, I took them both, and they both did fine.

My 7-year old still asks about Granny from time to time, mostly about her in the coffin, because she looked more like she was sleeping than dead. Sometimes he asks me if she might wake up and be scared. He seems to accept it when I tell him Granny won't wake up, that she is in heaven with the angels. One thing that I think comforted him was he had a letter that he wrote her, and a picture of the two of them together, that we put in her coffin. He liked the idea that Granny had a piece of him with her.

Good luck in whatever you decide. Again, I am so sorry for the loss of your FIL, and I will continue to keep your family in my prayers.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Its really a personal thing from what I gather. We brought our kids to all the grandparents wakes/funerals, no matter what the age was. But that is the norm for our families. To be different would be wierd for us.

 

[Jennyfyar]

I don't know, maybe 10? My DD is six and I wouldn't even consider taking her. I don't think she would fully understand and she would dwell on it all the time.

I was at a visitation at a funeral home several weeks ago for a man (35 ) who was the son-in-law of a co-worker of mine. He was electrocuted. In the line to enter the funeral home, there were several families that had children under five with them. One couple had their two daughters, around 4 and 2. These were not relatives or even extremely close friends of the deceased and his family. I can't imagine the reason for bringing children this young. I imagine it really scared them.

 

[CamColt]

Wow, only a few replies so far and I have to say Im surprised by them. While I want to take DSs and I feel they should be there, I sort of thought we were crazy for thinking of taking a 2.5 & a 5.5 yo. I know my oldest will behave very well, but the youngest can get antsy at times(imagine?). I will have my whole family there to take him out to walk around or whatever if need be, so if he does act up, it wont disrupt anyone. On the emotional end, I dont think the youngest will "get it" and my oldest seems to be ok so far, but again, I dont think he gets the finality(is that a word?) of it. Like he just said "ok" when we told him and then later he was upset because Papa wont have anymore potato chips for him.
I think Ill try it and if it causes a problem, someone on my side of the family can always take them home.

 

[snoopy]

At that age kids are very resiliant.

As far as them getting antsy, that is to be expected. Funeral homes usually have a room in the back with a TV or whatever where the kids can go if they get out of control. I worried that my little one would do something horrendous like knock over the casket or something even worse, but he behaved, amazingly. I think just having the extended family there helped, everyone just sort of helped out with the little kids.

 

[sue Z]

Back when my dad was 6 yrs old he was made to go to his own fathers wake and when someone knealed down by the coffin my ada was standing near it and as this person got up they leaned on the coffin causing it move a bit and scared the begezzers out of my dad.
needless to say I was never forced to go to a funeral, when I was young even though i could have. I was between 13-15 before I went to my 1st wake and I will never forget it> My dad's uncle died and since I wasn't close to him they figured this was the best time as any to get me to go to a wake. I was not forced to go into the room, my parents let me go in on my own and as my dad's aunt was intorducing him to some relatives I caught up with them as there was another door to gointo.

When I was comfotable as gradually would turn my head to look up at the coffin and finally I went up to my fathers other uncles and aunts to pay my respects. After that I went to a few wakes of my relatives.

The biggest and hardest one for me happened 4 yrs aog when my grandmother died! I was only 31, but I went to the wake and thought I would be able to handle it as I deal with it all the time at the Nursing hoem I work at but I didn't I could not face goingup to the coffin and I actually yelled at my mom to let me be and let me do it on my own!

To me there is no real age that you can start at. It all depends on the individual!
I am dreading when the times comes that my grandfather will pass away as I will more then likely be the same as when my grandmother died or worse as I was really closwe to him. Least I don';t have to worry about that any time soon.

 

[bfeller]

When my mom died, my DS was 5 years 3 months and my DD had just turned 2. They were both close to my mom and based on how I was raised(death is a natural part of living) I never questioned whether to take them. What worked for us was my MIL watched my kids and brought them to the wake for about 30-45 minutes. I wanted them to know what was going on but felt that a visitation was too long to expect children of that age to stay. They both attended the funeral and went to the gravesite. We discussed with them(2 year old didn't understand) about what was going on. I picked up two books at a Christian bookstore that were great with explanations.

I am glad that we handled it this way, because within the next 15 months our family also had to bury my father(grandpa) and my brother(uncle, godfather). My children are now 17 and 14 and do not have any problems with dealing with death.

I am sure that you know your children and yourself the best. The decision should be based on your children's and your personality.

 

[Luv2Dream]

When my Aunt died, it was a private wake/funeral and the grandchildren were allowed to remain in a separate room and if they chose to enter the room with the coffin they could do so when they wished. Some chose never to go, some of the others crept in eventually although I'm not sure how many actually made it up to the coffin. I thought it was a great way to handle the situation. It was also nice for the children because it wasn't a big public wake with lots of people they already didn't know. In this instance, it worked out perfectly.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>My children were 5 & 6 when my mom passed away, and it was natural for them to go to the wake and funeral. It never occurred to us not to include them when we said goodbye to my mom.

I was 8 myself the first time I remember going to a funeral, and I think I went to three that year.

Each family & child is different, though, and decisions should be based on personal experiences and beliefs, IMHO.

 

[Pin Wizard]

I remember years ago when my mom's cousin lost her husband her daughter was only 5. She had talked to her daughter's teacher about Andrea going to the funeral, etc. Her teacher thought Andrea could handle it, and she was fine. And when my dad died, my nephew was only 5. He did fine also for his grandpa's funeral. He had a couple comments and questions, but he did okay.

 

[KimRaye]

Originally posted by CamColt
Would you take your kids to their grandparents wake or memorial service?

Anytime, any age. Hopefully not soon, though.

Both my kids have already been to wakes. DS is 14 and, DD is 4. I don't think DS has ever actually gone up to the casket but, he's been there as a family member/neighbor paying respects to the family. The kids all find the 'snack room', etc. and, seemed fine with the whole thing. DD wasn't too upset when my Aunt died recently but, she was upset that her/My cousin had lost her Mom.

I was about 11 when I attended a wake & service for a classmates Mom. It's the 1st I remember. At 12, my Grandpa died and, my bro (10yo at the time) & I were there all the time. Even my baby bro, 8 DAYS old when Grandpa died, was there briefly! The hardest part for me at Grandpa's wake, was hearing my Dad crying in the hall about losing his FIL. Then, later, him comforting my Uncle (about 19-20yo at the time). That really saddened me but, that's life and, family Love.

My DS was about 2-1/2 mos when he attended a wake for my Grandma, briefly. And, he went to a wake even before that for my then-boss' Grandpa.

So, based on my experience, Any Age, Any Time. But hopefully, not soon!

Sorry for your loss.

 

[tiggerlover]

My DH was tramatized well into adulthood by being taken to his grandfather's funeral when he was about 8 years old. It wasn't until DH was nearly 30 that he went to another funeral and then he had a really hard time. If there is an open casket, I think I would have to think twice because seeing his grandpa in the casket is what put him over the edge.

When I was 6 and 7 I remember going to my grandparents funerals and although I wasn't traumatized I was very bored. I remember my parents sending me away with my older brother (who was 24 at the time) at the gravesite. I remember feeling very confused also.

I think if one does decide to bring their children to a funeral that you should talk to the children ahead of time so that they know what they are to expect and ask them if they would like to go or not. My DH is adamant that our son will not be put through what he was put through for his grandfathers funeral, but I feel if he was prepared a head of time (possibly) this could have been avoided.

 

[imgoingtodisney]

DS was 2 when he went to my father's wake & funeral (open casket). DS was 4 when he went to FILs wake & funeral. He handled them much better than I did. I tried to keep myself together for his sake but sometimes it was difficult. He was also at my father's open gravesite. Dad is buried near a pond so we talked about "grandpa's ducks". I recently took him back there (Salem) at Dad's 8yr anniv and DS said he didnt realize Grandpa was a WWII vet.

If we had someone to take care of him, Im not sure what I would have done.

 

[dianeschlicht]

At any age. I would, however, not insist that they approach the coffin or view the body if they didn't want to.

 

[Spinning]

I think it depends on the child and the relationship they had with the person who died. If it wasn't some one very special I wouldn't bring them but if it was a special person then I probably would.
Our DD went to my Husbands Aunt's funeral when she was 4. It was a very small strickly family, so about 15 people. It actually went well I didn't make her go up but explained what was going on answered questions etc... but then they did something I hadn't seen before and I wasn't ready for they closed the casket while everyone was there. All the funeral's I went to it stayed open until the end and then they tell you to say final good byes then just the most immedaitely family is there.
Wish I had known because that freak DD out she couldn't understand why they closed Aunt T in a box and started to cry
So I took her out and talked to her for a long time and everything was fine.
It is a hard decission but really only one you can make.

 

[browneyes]

Any age. If they want to go. My mom made me go to my grandfather's wake/funeral when I was 8 yo. Devastated me (I was really close to him). I asked her not to make me go, but there wasn't anyone to take care of me, so I had to go.