Assisted living questions UPDATE

[barkley]

I thought I did answer that, but I may not have. I'm just so burnt out by all this. My DH and I have to declare a "no talking" zone about this at some point every evening because we're just so sick of it all.

Anyway, the only person who ever evaluated her was our family doctor. Now he's fine for monitoring meds for depression and such, but she needs something so much more intense. She refuses because she sees the psychiatric profession as BS. I'm trying to get my sister on board with a geriatric psychiatrist, but she said my mother will NOT go for it at all.

Barkley, maybe you can explain this to me. The nursing home where they want to send my mother is very expensive, but if they can get my mother medical assistance, it'll be very affordable. What is this? Is this the welfare assistance they're talking about? Or Medicaid? Or would that be one and the same? This is what my sister was bringing up today (she's handling all this because she works at the hospital).

I can tell you by the time it's all said and done, I'm going to need some heavy duty counseling. I just want to pack up and drive my car until I run out of gas and stay there.

they are probably talking about medicaid.

medicare and private insurance generaly only pay for medically necessary skilled nursing care-and it's limited for so many days in a given benefit year. medicaid can provide futher coverage. medicaid eligiblity is based on a variety of things-but with the elderly it's primarily income and assetts.

the issue you need to realy investigate is weather a doctor will document that your mother requires skilled nursing services or rehabilitation-those are key factors to get it covered (and weather they relate to a recent hospitalization in some cases). there is generaly no coverage either through private insurance, medicare or medicaid if only custodial services are needed (bathing, walking, transferring from bed to chair). just because the assisted living place has decided that they can't meet her needs does'nt mean that she medicaly requires a skilled nursing facility (the one my mom lives in contracts out their assisted living services to a private company, but if a resident proves to be too much for that company OR causes issues where that provider won't serve them-read hostile or non cooperative behaviour -the facility will no longer permit residence. this is no way creates any kind of in road for that person to move into covered skilled nursing care unless their doctor makes that determination).

best of luck-not an easy road.

 

[Cindy B]

I quoted only this part so as to save some space on the DIS.

Don't you just love when people do this?

My late DMIL had been a heavy smoker for years, had had cancer etc. a couple of times in the past. About a year before she died, she started failing...short of breath all the time, physically becoming more debilitated. I loved my DMIL dearly, so it was hard to watch. All of us...her children and children-in-law, would offer to take her to a doctor...anywhere she wanted to go. If she didn't want to get treated in our hometown for whatever reason, we'd take her out of town. I live within half an hour of Yale, within an hour of all the big hospitals in NYC, within 2 hours of Boston. She clearly had lung cancer. Nope, nope, nope...she refused. She was always "fine". She was a very strong-willed woman....if she didn't want to do something, she wasn't doing it and that was it. She was perfectly competent, she was a nurse, she knew the deal as far as what was happening with her, I am quite sure.

. That first office visit showed a visible (without an x-ray...visible on her chest) breast tumor, a huge lung mass on chest x-ray, a brain tumor on CT scan. She wound up in the hospital to get anti-seizure meds regulated. While she was hospitalized, they also diagnosed anal cancer (very rare)...she had 3 primary cancers...anal, brain, and breast. Her doctor actually wrote journal article about her. She came after being told there was no amount of chemo that could save her and died 3 months later. She & my late DFIL actually died 9 months apart...he in March and she in December.

My DMIL actually loved her family very much, was a very good and devoted mother while they were growing up. She really was a very dear lady. She just decided that she was going to do it on her terms, and I guess we couldn't argue with that...we just had to keep her safe, which we did. We were able to care for her at home...her children felt that they wanted to "give back" to her all she had given to them, and of course, I supported my DH in his endeavor.

But I am quite sure there were people who didn't think we "did enough".

Such a sad story. I just love "well meaning people" Don't you?

It reminds me of my own MIL. She was fiercely independent and didn't tell ANYONE-- any of her five kids or her ex husband that she was sick. She was always fine, and never let anyone do anything for her.

She just put the hospital bills and insurance EOB's in a folder for all of us to find later.

Anyway, she had some DVT and they, according to her, found some lung cancer. She was a smoker for over 50 years, so this isn't suprising in the least. Well, it was so bad that only 13 days after she told everyone of the cancer she passed. 13 days! She went from a mostly lively lady to deceased.

Looking back, I wish my MIL wasn't so independent. She could have
received treatment or something.

 

[MushyMushy]

Looking back, I wish my MIL wasn't so independent. She could have
received treatment or something.

I'm so sorry -- that sounds like my dad and FIL. They'll never fess up to any medical problems until it's a major issue.

My mom's the total opposite. The sky has been falling medically for her my entire life. It's not that she's a hypochondriac or anything, but according to her, she's been near death for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid we had to tiptoe around her because she had us convinced that we would kill her if we caused her stress (high blood pressure). Well, guess what -- kids cause stress and plenty of it!

So far, nobody has outwardly criticized our handling of anything. Most people who know the family know how difficult my mother is. If someone ever does say anything, I'm sure they'll get an earful from my sister or me because we're both pretty tired of it.

On the plus side, my sister and I have never been particularly close, but we're both dealing with this really well as a team. We're on the same page and we're communicating every day. In the past, I was really worried that it would be a problem. She and my mother had always been so much closer than my mother and I, so she handles more of the personal care and motivational type of stuff, as well as medical things. DH and I do more in terms of helping my dad and doing anything around the house that needs to be done, or other stuff like that. I think at first my sister didn't realize how much at my parents' disposal we really were until we started talking every day and now she sees that it balances out. Anyway, I hope things stay this way.

 

[golfgal]

I'm so sorry -- that sounds like my dad and FIL. They'll never fess up to any medical problems until it's a major issue.

My mom's the total opposite. The sky has been falling medically for her my entire life. It's not that she's a hypochondriac or anything, but according to her, she's been near death for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid we had to tiptoe around her because she had us convinced that we would kill her if we caused her stress (high blood pressure). Well, guess what -- kids cause stress and plenty of it!

So far, nobody has outwardly criticized our handling of anything. Most people who know the family know how difficult my mother is. If someone ever does say anything, I'm sure they'll get an earful from my sister or me because we're both pretty tired of it.

On the plus side, my sister and I have never been particularly close, but we're both dealing with this really well as a team. We're on the same page and we're communicating every day. In the past, I was really worried that it would be a problem. She and my mother had always been so much closer than my mother and I, so she handles more of the personal care and motivational type of stuff, as well as medical things. DH and I do more in terms of helping my dad and doing anything around the house that needs to be done, or other stuff like that. I think at first my sister didn't realize how much at my parents' disposal we really were until we started talking every day and now she sees that it balances out. Anyway, I hope things stay this way.

I feel for you, my mom has had 6 months to live for the past 18 years. My older sister went and bought funeral clothes for her kids--about 15 years ago--I wonder if they still fit??

 

[MushyMushy]

Just thought I'd update again since you guys have been so informative and kind.

My sister has been working her butt off to get everything arranged for my mother to go somewhere else, but it's not going to happen overnight. In the meantime, my mother has gone so far downhill. She just wants to sit in her chair doing nothing and they have to force her to do anything. Yesterday when we visited her, she had my DH put her in bed around 6 pm and she was total dead weight for him. What he does is lean in like to give her a bear hug and she puts her arms around his neck. Well, my gawd, she just hung there on him and I thought for sure his neck was going to go! It took everything in him to just get her to the edge of the bed and then I went to get an aide to help him scoot her up to the top of the bed. She wouldn't even move her arms, she just wanted them to even arrange her in a comfortable position.

She called us today around 3 pm for my DH to put her in bed again -- well I came to find out that it was all her doing because she doesn't trust the people there to help her (these aides are different from the weekend ones who DID call us). The aide came in and wanted to check her adult diaper before she put her to bed and my mother was refusing like a 3-year old. We actually got into an argument with her because she wasn't going to allow the aide to help my dh get her into bed. I got angry and said, "Well, DH doesn't need to be doing this all on his own! You need to cooperate and help. If he hurts his back, then what are you going to do?" The aide said she's just been so difficult and uncooperative. The aide went to get another worker and they refused to let DH help at all -- they told my mother that she needed to let them do their jobs.

My mother started saying something critical of my sister and I nipped that in the bud right off.

Oh, and one of the workers at the AL (wonderful, wonderful woman) was saying that she thinks my mom would be eligible for hospice because they have services where they'll come in with a lift and adult diapers and do things like that. She said if my mother is eligible, then she wouldn't have to leave. She tried to get my mother to sign the paperwork, but she turned it down. I said, hey, she's beyond having a choice at this point, so I'M calling hospice and I'll get everything in motion. When I told my sister about mother turning it down, she was flabbergasted and totally agreed that we're not giving her a choice.

Anyway, sorry for being so long winded and rambling. I should probably put this in a blog, but you just don't get advice and feedback from a blog!

 

[ZipaDeeDooDah]

Thank you for the update!

She called us today around 3 pm for my DH to put her in bed again -- well I came to find out that it was all her doing because she doesn't trust the people there to help her (these aides are different from the weekend ones who DID call us). The aide came in and wanted to check her adult diaper before she put her to bed and my mother was refusing like a 3-year old. We actually got into an argument with her because she wasn't going to allow the aide to help my dh get her into bed. I got angry and said, "Well, DH doesn't need to be doing this all on his own! You need to cooperate and help. If he hurts his back, then what are you going to do?" The aide said she's just been so difficult and uncooperative. The aide went to get another worker and they refused to let DH help at all -- they told my mother that she needed to let them do their jobs.

My mother started saying something critical of my sister and I nipped that in the bud right off.

After reading your past posts, you and your husband, and the workers, handled the situation absolutely perfectly.

Oh, and one of the workers at the AL (wonderful, wonderful woman) was saying that she thinks my mom would be eligible for hospice because they have services where they'll come in with a lift and adult diapers and do things like that. She said if my mother is eligible, then she wouldn't have to leave. She tried to get my mother to sign the paperwork, but she turned it down. I said, hey, she's beyond having a choice at this point, so I'M calling hospice and I'll get everything in motion. When I told my sister about mother turning it down, she was flabbergasted and totally agreed that we're not giving her a choice.

I also admire how you and your sister are working completely as a team on this.

It would be great if you could blog your experience, people could really learn from your mom's situation and how your family is trying to deal with it with compassion and understanding. Unfortunately you are right, it is really hard to get feedback from a blog.

 

[mamacatnv]

MushyMushy - I know how difficult this is. Have you and your sister considered not rushing to her aide every time she or the facility calls? The possibility of your DH getting hurt is a real one. I know this sounds harsh but I'm going to say it anyway. Why, are you jumping through so many hoops to attempt to please someone who is obviously behaving like a spoiled brat?

I seriously would consider becomming unavailable for a few days. Take Dad and turn off the phone.

Hang in there, hopefully this attempt at getting hospice in will work out.

 

[Cindy B]

Just thought I'd update again since you guys have been so informative and kind.

.

She called us today around 3 pm for my DH to put her in bed again -- well I came to find out that it was all her doing because she doesn't trust the people there to help her (these aides are different from the weekend ones who DID call us). The aide came in and wanted to check her adult diaper before she put her to bed and my mother was refusing like a 3-year old. We actually got into an argument with her because she wasn't going to allow the aide to help my dh get her into bed. I got angry and said, "Well, DH doesn't need to be doing this all on his own! You need to cooperate and help. If he hurts his back, then what are you going to do?" The aide said she's just been so difficult and uncooperative. The aide went to get another worker and they refused to let DH help at all -- they told my mother that she needed to let them do their jobs.
My mother started saying something critical of my sister and I nipped that in the bud right off.

Oh, and one of the workers at the AL (wonderful, wonderful woman) was saying that she thinks my mom would be eligible for hospice because they have services where they'll come in with a lift and adult diapers and do things like that. She said if my mother is eligible, then she wouldn't have to leave. She tried to get my mother to sign the paperwork, but she turned it down. I said, hey, she's beyond having a choice at this point, so I'M calling hospice and I'll get everything in motion. When I told my sister about mother turning it down, she was flabbergasted and totally agreed that we're not giving her a choice.

Anyway, sorry for being so long winded and rambling. I should probably put this in a blog, but you just don't get advice and feedback from a blog!

I've bolded something very important. The AL staff needs to do thier jobs. As hard as it sounds, the staff need to do thier services so you as family can tend to emotional needs. Some AL workers can and (will) do the bare minimum because family is there. You really should not go every time they call unless it is a medical emergency not being difficult--which is actually quite normal.


It is a good employee that does what is needed. FIL was in two AL facilities. One was nice and one was awful.

Later he went to the hospital and then an in patient hospice (at the hospital) where he passed. The AL facility would transfer him to the hospital if they could not meet his needs-- however it was stuff like fevers, infections, irregular breathing, etc...

Prior to AL, he was at home with a contracted home health aide that came 9-5 when all my DH's siblings and DH went to work.

The home health aide was wonderful and did not put up with crap. If my FIL was being a pest, she would chide him gently and he would quit the nonsense.

DH did weekend duty most of the times when the HHA (home health aide) went home. He would get in things with his dad about showering, changing pants, clothes, etc. My FIL would want to be independent and DH would need to help him. He had to be firm and in some case be very direct with him just so he could get in the shower, get dressed, etc.

 

[Disney Doll]

Frankly, I agree with what other posters have said.

Don't run there every time she calls.

DO NOT let your DH hurt himself.

Let the staff deal mwith it however they will deal with it. If it means they call EMS & transfer her back to the hospital, then so be it.

Get the psychiatric evaluation.

Her behavior is manipulative...sounds like it has been all her life. Limit-setting is the way to handle manipulative behavior. Personal story...DH has a crazy, manipulative sister. My late DMIL had a strong personality and took little "guff" from anyone, except this sister. Come to find out that sister had threatened suicide a number of times, DMIL was afraid to upset her and push her over the edge. So DMIL danced like a puppet on a string, and made everyone else in the family do the same so as to "not upset" crazy sister. Well, DFIL died, crazy sister's behavior was ABHORRENT. Then DMIL died 9 months later. Now life is good, because we don't have to coddle sister anymore.

And off came the gloves. She started her crap with regard to the estate. My DH was executor. She'd call and badger us every day about stuff...sometimes 2 & 3 times a day. He was still treating her with kid gloves (old habits are hard to break), he's not sleeping, getting angry and frustrated. I had been telling him about limit-setting and how to do it (lots of experience from taking care of drug addicts for a lot of years). One day he gets off the phone with her and starts complaining that his chest feels tight. I looked at him and said "That's it. Your crazy sister is not going to kill my 43 year old husband. You have 2 days to decide how to reign her in, or I will. And when I am done, you won't have to worry about her calling here ever again. She will communicate with us through the probate attorney and once that is done, there will be no communication at all". I seldom make ultimatum-type statements like that, so DH knew I was serious. So a couple of days later, she calls wanting to come out to look through Mommy's stuff and wants the estate to pay for it. DH says "Let me think about it" and asks me what to do. I told him to tell her that since the estate belongs to all 4 children, that she should call and ask her other 2 sisters if they would be willing to let some of their money go to pay for her trip. Majority would rule. I knew full well that DH's other 2 sisters would tell her to go take a hike. I told DH that she would try to manipulate him into asking the other 2 sisters, so he looks like the bad guy and takes all the heat, and it was time for her to take some heat, and I told him to tell her "No, this is your request, so you need to ask". Well, he called back, they had the conversation, which went pretty much as I expected it would, she never came because she never had the nerve to ask her other 2 sisters to allow the estate to pay for it. Apparently it wasn't as "important" as she initially thought it was to get to CT to "look at Mommy's stuff". A few more incidents happened, which culminated in me saying to her "If this happens again I will write you off as if you never existed". She said "You don't have the nerve to do that" and I replied "Watch me". I knew that she didn't have the guts to test me, because her weak spot is that she needs her family...despite how she behaves, losing touch with her fmaily would kill her. And truthfully, it took us a couple of years, but she truly gives DH & I no crap. he barely speaks to her. I will communicate with her at the bare minimum required to maintain a civil relationship, because I think my late DMIL would want it, although I would not be beyond cutting her off if she acts up one more time, and she knows it. But, at least with us, she behaves. And yes, there are those who may think we are awful for this, but this sister has been crazy all her life, done horrible things to her siblings all their life. She is truly without conscience. She does what she needs to do to achieve her aim, and she doesn't care who gets hurt in the process. I have often said a psychiatrist could make her his life work and never finish! But, the bottom line is that she knows she will not negatively impact me or my family. I will disown her if that happens, and at this point, DH would too.

Meanwhile, do you and your DSis have someone to talk to to relieve the stress of this situation?

 

[golfgal]

MushyMushy - I know how difficult this is. Have you and your sister considered not rushing to her aide every time she or the facility calls? The possibility of your DH getting hurt is a real one. I know this sounds harsh but I'm going to say it anyway. Why, are you jumping through so many hoops to attempt to please someone who is obviously behaving like a spoiled brat?

I seriously would consider becomming unavailable for a few days. Take Dad and turn off the phone.

Hang in there, hopefully this attempt at getting hospice in will work out.

I have to agree with this, as long as you let the behavior continue, it will. I don't know if they can legally do this but if she refuses to stand up and move from a chair to a bed, leave her in the chair. She is acting like a 2 year old, treat her like one. Same thing when our kids didn't want to do something, fine, don't do it but you also won't be doing anything else until you do--like eating a meal, picking up toys, etc.

 

[MushyMushy]

Regarding not rushing to her side, DH and I discussed a little tough love and we decided to let voice mail pick up when we see that number, and then we'll call back to talk to an employee to see what's up. There are some legitimate things we still need to run around for (running out of meds, toiletries, etc) because she's so new there she doesn't have everything she needs.

DisneyDoll -- you're totally my hero! You've got to wonder how crazy the sister really is if she can behave herself around you now, but still manipulative with other people. Crazy like a fox maybe?

Cindy, we're beyond thinking about the home health care, but was it outrageously expensive? I think if my mother put forth some effort and did some rehab, she could get home! But she just wants to have her cake and eat it too -- she wants to be home, but not do the work to get there. In my entire life, she has never finished or did any work when she had rehab, so I have no hope in that department.

As for someone to talk to, I don't know about my sister. She's SUCH a stoic, and I've never known her to show any feelings. I know she has a pretty good support system in my BIL and her in-laws (she's got the most WONDERFUL in-laws).

I decided these past few days that I'm going to find a counselor. DH has been my backbone, but I'm going through so much aside from this and it's completely overwhelming me. My life has turned completely inside out. I'm over 40, just starting my career and all the bumps and bruises that go along with it, two kids going through some major milestone changes, and I'm not handling any of it well.

I'm getting ready to call hospice, so wish me luck!

 

[Disney Doll]

Mushy.

You are doing the best you can under some very difficult circumstances and I admire you!!!!

 

[agnes!]

Mushy -

I hope things get better for the entire family. I've gone through something similar...it's not easy.

About her going home...I'm sure the following will sound quite harsh, but if I were in your shoes I would not allow her to do it (if that's even possible). From the sound of things, sooner or later she will fire any aides/careworkers (or be so unpleasant that they up and quit). Your father will lose whatever quality of life *he* now has (with her being in AL/hospice/nursing home). He'll be her slave all over again.

agnes!

 

[Cindy B]

Regarding not rushing to her side, DH and I discussed a little tough love and we decided to let voice mail pick up when we see that number, and then we'll call back to talk to an employee to see what's up. There are some legitimate things we still need to run around for (running out of meds, toiletries, etc) because she's so new there she doesn't have everything she needs.


Cindy, we're beyond thinking about the home health care, but was it outrageously expensive? I think if my mother put forth some effort and did some rehab, she could get home! But she just wants to have her cake and eat it too -- she wants to be home, but not do the work to get there. In my entire life, she has never finished or did any work when she had rehab, so I have no hope in that department.

I decided these past few days that I'm going to find a counselor. DH has been my backbone, but I'm going through so much aside from this and it's completely overwhelming me. My life has turned completely inside out. I'm over 40, just starting my career and all the bumps and bruises that go along with it, two kids going through some major milestone changes, and I'm not handling any of it well.

I'm getting ready to call hospice, so wish me luck!

As for the HHA cost, I know at first the social worker at the hospital stated his insurance (don't know what kind) covered 3 days a week. My FIL retired well off at a good time, so he paid for the extra two days out of pocket.

FIL did contract her out from an agency so I'm not sure what type of contract he signed for.

He only had the HHA for 9 months or so. (Maybe 8 months?). There were a few days that she was off and she was off near Christmas.

In order to eliminate 7 days a week care, all of my DH's siblings would do HHA duties over the weekends and the occasional day she couldn't make it. Towards the end the HHA would go to the hospice and the hospital instead of the home care. As family, we found that the hospital staff were very cautious when the HHA was there. They did not scrimp corners or try to pass off or ignore needs because she was there in the hospital room.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

Mushy,

First, let me say you're doing great! Hang in there as a team with your sister.

As far as concerns about your parents finances while every state has their own Medicaid program (and it's not Medicare...they are 2 different beasts), there are some fundamentals that remain consistent throughout EVERY state. For example, your father cannot be compelled to sell his home to pay for your mothers care.

Generally speaking, the State (and they administer the Medicaid program) will do a "division of assets," with 50% going to mom and the remainder going to dad. The house is EXEMPT from this division of assets as is a primary mode of transportation (2nd homes, however, are not exempt from the division of assets as a general rule). They will then require that your mom's assets be spent down to a specific level (usually somewhere between $999 and $2,000 depending on what state your mom lives in) and then she will become eligible for Medicaid.

Most people get Medicaid and Medicare confused.Medicaid (again administered by your state) is the insurance that pays for custodial care. Medicare (administered by the federal government) only pays for rehab and "skilled nursing" care for a limited period of time (I think it's somewhere around 30 to 60...maybe 90 days). If you care to share the State your mom lives in, I could find out a bit more about the Medicaid regulations for you.

I agree you should consult with a geriatric attorney. Your mother may be a "lost cause," but your dad needs to have a plan. I would encourage you to include your sister in that plan so she's aware of everything and you two don't fight later. Your local Area Agency on Aging should be able to provide you with some good references (and they are a wonderful resource for dealing with aging issues).

I hope this helps. I've been through it with my grandparents and will someday have to deal with it with my parents. Fortunately my parents are not difficult in the same way your mother is. My deceased MIL, however, was another story so I really feel for you! My deceased MIL -- well, let's just say MIL also means Monster In Law and I think that pretty well covers it. She was horribly manipulative and, fortunately for me, my DH would have NONE of it!

I know "tough love" with your mom can be hard...but it sounds like its the only option you have. I wish you the very best!

 

[ZipaDeeDooDah]

Meanwhile, do you and your DSis have someone to talk to to relieve the stress of this situation?

That is a great suggestion, it would be great if you and your sister could talk about this situation together with someone. I realize that it might not be possible. In any event, I am glad that you have gone ahead and searched out a counselor for yourself, you will not regret it.

 

[DISUNC]

As someone who takes care of their own aging parents (they live with me), and have the same issues home...
I have nothing but lotsa for you.

I would be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo at the Facility your Mom is in! Its a all such a raquet!


ps Xanax comes in very handy at times! Just sayin!

 

[MushyMushy]

DISUNC, you must be a saint. It's extremely hard providing live-in care to an elder who is sweet and compliant let alone when they're difficult or belligerent. My paternal grandmother was the sweetest woman you'd ever want to meet, but it was so hard on the family caring for her -- and she didn't even require THAT much care!

My husband deserves a gold medal. We had to stop there after he got off work so I could take her a bag of toiletries (my father accidentally took them all home). She wanted to be put to bed and it wasn't even 5:30 yet, and she got belligerent with us and the staff and ended up urinating on my poor DH. You know, it would somehow be different if she weren't doing this on purpose by refusing to go to the bathroom. By gawd, she wants a bed pan and the world can go to hell until she gets her way. Sorry, I'm just fed up.

I ended up telling the staff that we wouldn't be available this weekend except for emergencies.

Oh, and Pixie, we're in Pennsylvania. Thanks for the explanation.

I think I'll take that Xanax now. I'm out of my favorite bottle of wine.

 

[Cindy B]

My paternal grandmother was the sweetest woman you'd ever want to meet, but it was so hard on the family caring for her -- and she didn't even require THAT much care!

My husband deserves a gold medal. We had to stop there after he got off work so I could take her a bag of toiletries (my father accidentally took them all home). She wanted to be put to bed and it wasn't even 5:30 yet, and she got belligerent with us and the staff and ended up urinating on my poor DH. You know, it would somehow be different if she weren't doing this on purpose by refusing to go to the bathroom. By gawd, she wants a bed pan and the world can go to hell until she gets her way. Sorry, I'm just fed up.

I ended up telling the staff that we wouldn't be available this weekend except for emergencies.

QUOTE]


Relatives do get difficult when families get involved in care. I can tell you stories that would make your hair curl about my FIL and my DH when he did weekend home care duty. Let's put it this way, angry is an understatement.

I'm sorry about the incident with your DH. Are you sure that she did it on purpose? It sounds like it. I would not do a bedpan for her because she can control it..

It sounds like a control issue. She wants things her way and to others, (your family and the AS staff) know that she can do more.

If it helps you any, my FIL would do control issues with toiletry issues. As hard as it is to say, if she wants to do this, (lose control on purpose) she needs to be in adult incontinence underwear. Maybe that type of change will be enough for her to get herself in a better state if you know what I mean. That was a tough day for my FIL when he went from that to this new type of "underwear". After that point, some of his nastiness went away but a different type of atitude came in.


You did the right thing by telling the staff that you won't come unless in an emergency.

 

[DISUNC]

DISUNC, you must be a saint.

Well thats a First!!!!!!

Mom is very combatant. The problem is with alszheimers, she is combatant about a issue...then 2 minutes later starts up the same issue again. (and again and again)
Dad just has to be watched verrrrrrry carefully!

There really is nothing that can be done. After a series of HomeCare attendants, I finally found one who is at least nice & understanding, a bit ditzy sometimes, makes more work for me than she should...BUT nice (that counts for 90%). She tries, But if Mama dont wanna do something, MAMA AINT GONNA DO IT!!!!!

However if I found a Assited living place, and they called me all the time...I would be double, triple ! That is just not right.
But as I said on the bad days, Xanax is a miracle drug!